TORTURER: I don't get it, we've been waterboarding him for an hour, and he still hasn't given us anything.
ASSISTANT: Want to give it some more time?
TORTURER: [ ''lights'' ''cigarette''] Yeah, but just one more time to the buoys and back.
ASSISTANT revs throttle.
VICTIM: Hey! Let's go by that cove again! Saw some chicks in bikinis!
― pplains, Sunday, 1 June 2014 00:05 (twelve years ago)
I am enjoying this
― Doritos Loco Parentis (Hurting 2), Sunday, 1 June 2014 16:59 (twelve years ago)
Yeah that's a good un
― now I'm the grandfather (dog latin), Sunday, 1 June 2014 17:10 (twelve years ago)
Knock KnockWho's there?SubaruSubaru who?Oh no, why are you crying?
― how's life, Saturday, 12 July 2014 12:03 (eleven years ago)
a fun twist on a classic!
― chikungunya manatee (Sufjan Grafton), Saturday, 12 July 2014 16:23 (eleven years ago)
you guys know the main ingredient in fish cakes? all porpoise flour.
― moonstone (soda), Sunday, 27 July 2014 19:16 (eleven years ago)
A porpoise is a goddam mammal
― 龜, Sunday, 27 July 2014 19:40 (eleven years ago)
you are one pedantic amphibian, friendo
― wins, Monday, 28 July 2014 14:27 (eleven years ago)
The flour is not made of porpoises, but for porpoises u peasant.
― moonstone (soda), Monday, 28 July 2014 18:46 (eleven years ago)
more like jomade hokes
― switching letters guy, Monday, 28 July 2014 19:23 (eleven years ago)
DMC: was at that stats seminar today. trinity prof and Oxford equivalent all day back and forth with "hilarious" "bantz" in re lm functions etcJMC: they were co-medians
― Serious Men raised by the Issues Movement (darraghmac), Friday, 1 August 2014 01:15 (eleven years ago)
Yves Klein walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey Yves, why so blue?"
― DERE is no DERE DERE (Stevie D(eux)), Monday, 4 August 2014 17:55 (eleven years ago)
Mark Rothko walks into a color bar
― mattresslessness, Monday, 4 August 2014 18:10 (eleven years ago)
heheyyyyyy
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Monday, 4 August 2014 18:29 (eleven years ago)
Q: What is an art dealer's favorite place to go to the beach?A: Gagosian City, NJ!
― Gay Fire Beautiful Dong (Stevie D(eux)), Tuesday, 2 September 2014 16:26 (eleven years ago)
What did Samuel Adams's penis say to Samuel Adams's scrotum?
"Tote Sam A's balls!" (That is a thing that dicks say)
― Onan Pullett (wins), Tuesday, 30 September 2014 09:45 (eleven years ago)
stand by jmcs pun a few weeks back
― zero content albums (darraghmac), Tuesday, 30 September 2014 09:47 (eleven years ago)
There's this weird new pornographic doll for sale that masturbates whenever you put sunglasses on it. The best part is that it comes in a lot of different shades.
― my jaw left (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 30 September 2014 19:22 (eleven years ago)
That makes it sound like it is using the sunglasses to achieve or obtain the results of orgasm. OTOH if this phenotypically diverse fuck doll reverses the results of the Clark doll test, well – that's wonderful.
― King Clone (Crabbits), Wednesday, 1 October 2014 00:14 (eleven years ago)
Did you hear about the hobo stew that makes you see God?
I tell ya, you would find it in tins.
― pplains, Wednesday, 1 October 2014 00:26 (eleven years ago)
Did you know people who use the metric system can challenge their vertigo by exploring different levels of hyperspace?
That system is in tens.
― pplains, Wednesday, 1 October 2014 00:28 (eleven years ago)
Did you hear about the nervous Native American whose name was "Twin Teepees"?
Get that shit out of there, you racist.
― pplains, Wednesday, 1 October 2014 00:32 (eleven years ago)
"Wow, Tim. You're on a roll today."
"I know, right? Maybe because I AM ON FIRE."
― pplains, Wednesday, 1 October 2014 03:33 (eleven years ago)
That last one was this close to being tweeted.
Something where the last two lines are
"Oh, you barristers""'barrassed her? I thought she rather enjoyed it!"
― my jaw left (Hurting 2), Friday, 24 October 2014 19:06 (eleven years ago)
Q: What did the gamergater say when he finally slept with a woman for the first time?A: "The rabbithole goes even deeper than I imagined"
sorry, very truly sorry, flagging my own post
― my jaw left (Hurting 2), Monday, 27 October 2014 16:33 (eleven years ago)
The Homemade Jokes thread is frequently disappointing, I must say.
― Shepard Toney Album (dog latin), Monday, 27 October 2014 16:51 (eleven years ago)
Homemade Jokes thread is a 'best effort' service. take it or leave it, my friend.
― $0.00 Butter sauce only. No marinara. (Sufjan Grafton), Monday, 27 October 2014 17:15 (eleven years ago)
The Sweet-Tooth Outlaws of comedy, if you will.
― my jaw left (Hurting 2), Monday, 27 October 2014 17:20 (eleven years ago)
"Knock knock.""Who's there?""Interrupting Lou Reed.""Interrupting Lou Reed wh-""SWEETLY."
― Stupor Fly, Monday, 27 October 2014 20:21 (eleven years ago)
I like that one
― my jaw left (Hurting 2), Monday, 27 October 2014 20:22 (eleven years ago)
yeah, that's a solid homemade joke
― everybody loves lana del raymond (s.clover), Monday, 3 November 2014 00:58 (eleven years ago)
Okay how did I miss this at the start of the thread, I just almost died choking laughing
If you play pinball in an arcade for a given length of time, a small child will stand to the left of you and breathe on your flipper playing hand...
― Drop soap, not bombs (Ste), Monday, 3 November 2014 01:35 (eleven years ago)
Have you heard about the French Wu-Tang member Jacques the Baker? He came to bring the pain.
― my jaw left (Hurting 2), Monday, 3 November 2014 19:17 (eleven years ago)
Did you hear about the metal/dubstep remix record of Mamas and Papas songs? It's called Cass Iron Skrillex
― my jaw left (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 4 November 2014 20:39 (eleven years ago)
i have a lengthy joke about tom hanks going to heaven if anyone wants to hear it in person.
― Steve 'n' Seagulls and Flock of Van Dammes (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 4 November 2014 20:41 (eleven years ago)
"Think you can find your way around?"
"Sure! I've got my Cloud Atlas."
― pplains, Tuesday, 4 November 2014 21:16 (eleven years ago)
"no no you misunderstand. 'tom hanks' is the name of god's cerberus"
― $0.00 Butter sauce only. No marinara. (Sufjan Grafton), Tuesday, 4 November 2014 21:22 (eleven years ago)
You heard about the Ariana Grande album? It comes with guacamole and sour cream.
― everybody loves lana del raymond (s.clover), Thursday, 6 November 2014 06:08 (eleven years ago)
http://news.distractify.com/megan-mccormick/25-jokes-thought-up-by-kids-that-are-so-terrible-they-039-re-hilarious/?v=1
― StanM, Monday, 24 November 2014 05:01 (eleven years ago)
"I'm taking my girlfriend to Maine this weekend.""To Bangor?""No, we don't believe in sex before marriage."
― yusef latifah (unregistered), Saturday, 3 January 2015 15:58 (eleven years ago)
"I'm taking my girlfriend to Maine this weekend.""To bang 'er?""No, Ogunquit."
― yusef latifah (unregistered), Saturday, 3 January 2015 15:59 (eleven years ago)
Tipper: I'm taking my husband to Maine this weekend.Hillary: To Bangor?Tipper: *nods and winks*
― yusef latifah (unregistered), Saturday, 3 January 2015 16:08 (eleven years ago)
that's the one
― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Wednesday, 7 January 2015 21:32 (eleven years ago)
What was Billy Joel's excuse when he stunk up a Hobbit Hole?He didn't fart the shire.
― how's life, Wednesday, 7 January 2015 21:43 (eleven years ago)
Sunny was in no mood to hear my Chan Marshall jokes when we passed this place on New Year's Eve:
http://i.imgur.com/k6I5yZe.png
I later said to her, "Well, I don't blame yooouuuu."
― pplains, Friday, 9 January 2015 04:55 (eleven years ago)
just str8 up busting crayolas at your childrenmust be the colorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs and the kids
― brosario nawson (m bison), Friday, 9 January 2015 05:10 (eleven years ago)
cross-bar style
― don't ask me why i posted this (electricsound), Friday, 9 January 2015 05:33 (eleven years ago)
What did Ira say to Charlie when they broke up the band? "You've Lost That Louvin Feelin'"
― Vic Perry, Saturday, 10 January 2015 22:52 (eleven years ago)
ok lol
― please login or register if you are (unregistered), Saturday, 10 January 2015 22:56 (eleven years ago)