shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

International Business Times

Slightly guilty lols for posting this one, but http://bobbraunsledger.com/guest-top-newark-student-says-time-to-speak-is-now/

http://bobbraunsledger.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/BLOGJORDANTHOMAS-231x300.jpg GUEST: Top Newark student says time to speak is now

Today’s guest blog was written by Jordan Thomas, a senior at Newark’s University High School where he is valedictorian and earned a 4.5 GPA. He was admitted to Princeton, Harvard, Yale, and Rutgers and will attend Princeton in the fall. He plans to go to law school and become a Constitutional lawyer. He was the student member of the Newark School Advisory Board for this school year. He delivered these remarks at Tuesday night’s board meeting.

“Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.”

This passage, derived from our nation’s founding text, the Declaration of Independence, details an individual’s natural propensity to tolerate, or, in some cases, suffer, rather than to excite disruption, engage in public denunciation, or demand absolute reformation in times of hardship and deficient leadership. Candidly, I admit that I have been one so guilty of remaining reserved and civil in both action and speech through the duration of the struggle that has occurred in the Newark Public Schools system these months past, blinded by a false sense of hope, a chimerical sense of promise, and a foolish belief that my words and admonitions would be heeded if conducted in a manner that coupled professionalism with discretion.

Unfortunately, an unspeakable decision that has been unveiled last week has revealed that approach to be ineffective, and, as stated by our founding fathers, there comes a time in which one must no longer hold his tongue or contain his extreme dissatisfaction.

wow, the Smoking Gun headline on that one story is "Bus Sex Teen Busted After Queef Beef"

Welcome to 'boring' Belgium where even the pigeons are on cocaine

Billy Crystal swept the Audie Awards, otherwise known as the "Oscars of the audiobook industry."

Secret Service urgently seeks sarcasm-detecting software

http://s.mlkshk.com/r/ZAOP

this could go in a few threads (facebook for one) but here seems fine:
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/118013/satire-news-websites-are-cashing-gullible-outraged-readers

http://seattle.cbslocal.com/2014/06/09/doctor-accused-of-sexting-during-surgery/

I give you all a fucking PRIME candidate here:

http://www.philly.com/philly/living/20140611_More_young_men_friends_embracing__and_it_s_in_no_way_gay_.html

omg this sentence so good: "Pasko, it turns out, has wrapped his arms around a long-term trend: In a broad range of social settings, more men are embracing, well, embracing."

faux social science and puns: i "hold" both "dear to my heart" (hugging)

I don't get how that article can be read as "Onion style"? It depicts a genuine phenomenon (physical closeness becoming more popular among male friends and acquaintances) deeply rooted in social changes (the loosening of male gender norms, decrease homophobia), which is explained in the article. I don't see how it's supposed to be funny or something?

McCormack said several types of gateway hugs are facilitating the shift.

didn't we lol at an article in the NYT or something a while back, that was essentially the same as this one

this feels like a clickhole listicle

http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/13/us/irpt-flag-day/index.html?c=us

lol

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/in-the-loop/wp/2014/06/14/ambassador-donates-historic-e-reader-to-swiss-museum/?tid=recommended_strip_2

The Lack of Major Wars May Be Hurting Economic Growth (NYT)

tyler cowen but curious to read that since the argument apparently isn't 'cuz keynes'

Match.com Will Use Facial Recognition to Find People Like Your Ex

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/06/18/its-come-to-this-fox-news-brings-on-nfls-terry-bradshaw-for-benghazi-analysis/

Florida doomsday prepper plans bloody last stand until cops lure him in with burgers

Leading scientist ejected by audience after 'trying to crowd surf' at classical music concert

SAN FRANCISCO - A handsome mug shot of a Northern California man arrested on felony weapons charges has gone viral on social media, attracting more than 33,000 "likes" and drawing comments praising his high cheek bones, chiseled face and striking blue eyes.

https://ca.news.yahoo.com/mug-shot-california-suspect-gets-30-000-facebook-034346359.html

Casual Sex Is Actually Excellent for You, If You Love Casual Sex

getting pretty close to a tipping point where the onion influences media more than it mocks it

Author Jeanette Winterson eats rabbit that ate her parsley, feeds entrails to cat

http://dangerousminds.net/comments/young_man_gets_stuck_in_giant_vagina_22_firefighters_come_to_his_rescue

ppl are just posting 'news of the weird' links now

― balls, Thursday, April 24, 2014 10:20 PM (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I don't recommend clicking through and increasing her "readership", but:

Coulter: Any growing interest in soccer a sign of nation's moral decay

GOP Hopeful: My Public Masturbation Fetish and Felonies Were Bad Ideas

"The three values that make up my stool of conservatism are faith, family and freedom," he says. "And I believe that many of the citizens of Saginaw share those same values."

Guy's a scat fetishist too

http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/benjamin-franklin-goes-to-transformers-a-thought-experiment/

Claire L. Evans (@TheUniverse) is the Futures editor of Motherboard and one-half of the conceptual pop group YACHT.

I really don't see that appearing as an Onion headline

ppl are just posting 'news of the weird' links now

― balls, Thursday, April 24, 2014 10:20 PM (2 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

― Kiss Screaming Seagull Her Seagull Her (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, June 24, 2014 6:58 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Suddenly I'm picturing a middle-aged lady telling an anecdote to her friend: "Oh my gawd, I mean it was like something out of an ONION ARTICLE, can you believe it?"

https://medium.com/@manicho/how-a-password-changed-my-life-7af5d5f28038

... no

was looking for that thread about the guy who tried to teach the homeless man to code, couldn't find it, this seemed like as good a bet as any

http://metro.co.uk/2014/07/02/brazil-fan-farts-on-neymars-girlfriend-bruna-marquezine-she-doesnt-like-it-4784122/

Every Metro headline could be an Onion headline, except the Onion ones aren't actually this fucking stupid:

One-armed cyclist fined for riding with only one hand

Rare condition leaves singer smelling of rotting fish

My own tears could kill me: Meet the woman allergic to WATER

Cheeky Domino's staff spotted buying 59p wedges from Aldi

Wow! Van Persie has got outrageous beach tennis skills

Is this 100mph jacuzzi the coolest thing in the world?

The 13 things that will definitely happen on a dog walk

Has Bigfoot’s real identity been revealed?

None of those sound like Onion headlines at all.

Jesus have you guys ever actually read the fucking Onion?

^^^

this isnt shit that looks like daily currant headlines

People Prefer Electric Shocks to Being Alone With Their Thoughts

http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/west-view-news-headline-james-lincoln-collier-headline-n-word

http://a5.img.talkingpointsmemo.com/image/upload/w_652/tqhdxqrxabvxt93flulv.jpg

i think the onion would phrase the point-counterpoint better (like, say WHICH headline offends the counterpointer), but the fact that this is even a point-counterpoint is just...

wow