Homemade Jokes

"In my country, KGB follows you on twitter"

"In my country, Kardashians watch you!"

Nope, I'm going to hand it back over now.

In america, kardashian writes in 140 characters a line.
In my country, 140 characters wait in line for toilet paper.

In my big country, you stay with dreams like a lover's voice fires the mountainside.

comedy sketch idea #238479: torturer trying to use an e-cigarette

Like on his victim?

yes.

a torturer trying to smoke an e-cigarette on his break but failing because he's old school as established by his old school torturing techniques

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Torturer Henchman: Eh, sorry boss, but ah, we're within 100 feet of the entrance to a public school. According to local ordinance no. 524--
Boss: SHADDUP, YOU IDIOT!

~* Inside the Writer's Room *~

of a cancelled show

Did you hear about the locavore duo whose fried chicken restaurant ousted KFC? It was called Terroir Couple Kill Colonel.

TORTURER: So you won't talk, huh?

VICTIM: OW! What was that? Your ink pen?

TORTURER: [ Thumbs thru Handbook ] No, I'm, um, putting my cigarette out on you wait.

VICTIM: Haha, what? You're supposed to use a cigarette not an e-cigarette. Can't wait to see what kind of battery jumper cables you've got back there.

ASSISTANT holds up white ipod cord plugged into wall with a shrug. TORTURER does "cut throat" motion at him. ASSISTANT holds up Harry Potter scarf?

"You idiot, I said get sodium AMYTAL, not sodium CHLORIDE!"

TORTURER: I don't get it, we've been waterboarding him for an hour, and he still hasn't given us anything.

ASSISTANT: Want to give it some more time?

TORTURER: [ ''lights'' ''cigarette''] Yeah, but just one more time to the buoys and back.

ASSISTANT revs throttle.

VICTIM: Hey! Let's go by that cove again! Saw some chicks in bikinis!

I am enjoying this

Yeah that's a good un

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Subaru
Subaru who?
Oh no, why are you crying?

a fun twist on a classic!

you guys know the main ingredient in fish cakes? all porpoise flour.

A porpoise is a goddam mammal

you are one pedantic amphibian, friendo

The flour is not made of porpoises, but for porpoises u peasant.

more like jomade hokes

DMC: was at that stats seminar today. trinity prof and Oxford equivalent all day back and forth with "hilarious" "bantz" in re lm functions etc
JMC: they were co-medians

Yves Klein walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey Yves, why so blue?"

Mark Rothko walks into a color bar

heheyyyyyy

Q: What is an art dealer's favorite place to go to the beach?
A: Gagosian City, NJ!

What did Samuel Adams's penis say to Samuel Adams's scrotum?

"Tote Sam A's balls!" (That is a thing that dicks say)

stand by jmcs pun a few weeks back

There's this weird new pornographic doll for sale that masturbates whenever you put sunglasses on it. The best part is that it comes in a lot of different shades.

That makes it sound like it is using the sunglasses to achieve or obtain the results of orgasm. OTOH if this phenotypically diverse fuck doll reverses the results of the Clark doll test, well – that's wonderful.

Did you hear about the hobo stew that makes you see God?

I tell ya, you would find it in tins.

Did you know people who use the metric system can challenge their vertigo by exploring different levels of hyperspace?

That system is in tens.

Did you hear about the nervous Native American whose name was "Twin Teepees"?

Get that shit out of there, you racist.

"Wow, Tim. You're on a roll today."

"I know, right? Maybe because I AM ON FIRE."

That last one was this close to being tweeted.

Something where the last two lines are

"Oh, you barristers"
"'barrassed her? I thought she rather enjoyed it!"

Q: What did the gamergater say when he finally slept with a woman for the first time?
A: "The rabbithole goes even deeper than I imagined"

sorry, very truly sorry, flagging my own post

The Homemade Jokes thread is frequently disappointing, I must say.

Homemade Jokes thread is a 'best effort' service. take it or leave it, my friend.

The Sweet-Tooth Outlaws of comedy, if you will.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting Lou Reed."
"Interrupting Lou Reed wh-"
"SWEETLY."

I like that one

yeah, that's a solid homemade joke

Okay how did I miss this at the start of the thread, I just almost died choking laughing

If you play pinball in an arcade for a given length of time, a small child will stand to the left of you and breathe on your flipper playing hand...

Have you heard about the French Wu-Tang member Jacques the Baker? He came to bring the pain.

Did you hear about the metal/dubstep remix record of Mamas and Papas songs? It's called Cass Iron Skrillex

i have a lengthy joke about tom hanks going to heaven if anyone wants to hear it in person.