Blue Saturday

.. then the slow erosion of yr children's childhood...
― Tributes as popular Lichfield cat dies (Noodle Vague), Friday, 16 May 2014 09:04 (5 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalin

Feeling this. Our kids are similar age, I think. So many hopes for their future tempered by the realisation that that is their future and from here on in I play an ever-diminishing role.

i got a horrible fear last night, classic 1 in the morning horrors, i wanted all the time back, i knew it was all gone, i knew in some way those children are gone

of course their replacements are great but

i don't know whether the pictures haunt me more than console me, they feel so distant at that time of night

i miss them so much and i wonder if i don't feel that even when i have them close

crying in the office nagl

there's a guy who sits opposite from me who seems to be suffering from catastrophic depression. my manager has been trying to get him retired for months. jokes are made behind his back. he's my dark other. every day i feel like i want to say something to him but i got nothing and his dislocation is granite and inviolable

Had a bad time at the weekend, thought I'd lost my work keys, went mental for a bit, then went into work and found them still in my locker where I'd left them a few days ago. Was relieved but just felt like a ridiculous human being who should be able to function properly but apparently not. At least no one will ever know..,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZNWnnkOduw

contemplating a Pepe Kalle thread

hi noodle :)

hi E :)

there's a guy who sits opposite from me who seems to be suffering from catastrophic depression. my manager has been trying to get him retired for months. jokes are made behind his back. he's my dark other. every day i feel like i want to say something to him but i got nothing and his dislocation is granite and inviolable

im p sure we have a guy like this. all his staff have been taken away. he shambles, lost, dresses well but unkemptly, i'd imagine clothes bought for him by someone else that he doesn't know how to keep, hair growing longer and he unshaven, i've shared an admittedly large room with him for three months and have yet to see him speak to or another soul speak to him. i don't think my attempting it would be welcome. he looks permanently dully horrified, like he's seen destruction and it's hit his brain but not his face yet. but granite and inviolable, yeah.

feel like when they joke about him around me there's a vibe of "but you're not like that any more!" and i don't totally welcome it

but that's probly my own solipsism and really some people just don't give a fuck

nobody jokes about this guy.

is that solipsism

they are separate btw

"they"?

those two lines

it was not a gnomic utterance

ach i get ya. probly not quite solipsism but close enough - forgetting there are all these other agendas in the world that aren't mine

course there are still probly jobs were a person can sit around going steadily catatonic for many years

and the pension after it, god bless us all

i don't know about youse guys but i expect pensionable age to keep running on ahead of me until the floods come up tbh

at the top of the road outside work this morning i saw a lorry that said AAH Pharmaceuticals.

felt it.

sometimes there's nothing anywhere around you not even in the furthest distance

http://lh5.ggpht.com/-zyLM-FyzrzA/UnaRLF9aPaI/AAAAAAAFhTc/3A-R6exMx7U/s800/87665_30494_1263990045431_1400130397_30625191_5134781_n.jpg

feel that i'd have some pretty aesthetically solid bergman-esque ennui going on today if it wasn't being rendered absurd by a persistent 'livin' on a prayer' earworm.

hooking up to my football-based morphine drip

o god

o?

good vibes to you NV

thanks )

tiny boat middle ocean no compass etc

with intermittent bursts of impotent grrrr

ah, yann martel

i saw a license plate today that said 12NV and i thought, we could gladly do with 11 more of him.

that is true

was going to change the lyrics of 12XU to be more Noodley, but, no Custos

(OK, often Custos, can't be bothered rn, also could only think of "saw you on a screen, funny and mean" which may not sound like the compliment I'd mean it as)

quite happy to be funny and mean

11 more a passing spacecadets would also be good if we're putting in orders.

approved

advance refusal in anticipation of any other acquisition dockets for further duplication of recent posters ITT reason: likelihood of hardcase surplus, scone deficit.

I'm in report mode btw

i just remembered i also saw or maybe it was a dream a license plate that said .05DM and i thought, hopefully not the report mode half.

its the max fraction of me active during reporting duty tbh

have you been to keogh's recently, i want to know so i can torment myself with heavenly scone visions.

seems unfair ITT and @nz to note that I start each working day with a scone of almost-keogh quality with ms mac thanks to new commuting arrangements

but the last time I was down home I brought to her place a brown bag of keoghs finest as a peace offering to her father for existing and he muttered afterwards that they were alright which is by all known accounts the highest praise to have been pried outtve him since they stopped making the old jetta

gonna misplace 1 day today for the hell of it

sup

feels like a boozy sentimental wastrel kind of a day and why not?

I drank a little last night, which I shouldn't have, but my housemates had an actual Party while I was out seeing terrible films and having a couple of pints; the kitchen and garden have been completely trashed by R's media company mates, the kitchen table is out in the rain, upstairs toilet seat broken off, &c. Even though I have nothing to do with any of this it's contributed to a sense of unreality which along with my slight hangover/illness is making me feel as though I'm in the middle of a real Bank Holiday session (as I almost certainly would be this time last year and the year before) and I could quite happily put my sunglasses on and wander from pub to pub playing be a caméra-stylo in cambridge. Or hop on a train; a rainy carnival sounds like an excellent idea.

I'm not going to do either of these things though, I'm gonna go see the new Dardennes movie and then go to the pub with my friends and not drink.

all the best dude, not being able to drink truly sucks when you love it but you seem to be handling things pretty well? i'm 1 Elliot Smith album and a couple of glasses of Cab Sauv in and i'm gonna go for a crawl manqué shortly when i can stop singing "if i didn't know the difference living alone wd probly be ok" to mysen and it will be kinda fun, friends to touch wobbly base with, mybe have a moody movie session tomorrow when my head hurts and i'm hyperventilating

everything in the world is...sort of...okay really...when you find yr zone

<3

Spent most of the morning wandering between book shops in Bloomsbury and Charing Cross Road in the driving rain listening to Cradle Of Filth on my headphones. That combination of camp and maudlin strikes me as more helpful today than str8 maudlin. Will spend the rest of the day with a duvet, polar-bear print onesie, calvados and a variety of books about people going to live on remote Scottish islands or traversing the fens. Not feeling overtly gloomy, as such, but could do with a break from the world and its events.

oh yer on BH yis fucks I forgot

Last one until Christmas. At least ye get October.

tru

Will spend the rest of the day with a duvet, polar-bear print onesie, calvados and a variety of books about people going to live on remote Scottish islands or traversing the fens. Not feeling overtly gloomy, as such, but could do with a break from the world and its events.

^ gonna take life tips from SV.

have a good day Daphnis.