Blue Saturday

http://www.china-history.net/images/song_painting2.jpg

only a northern song

http://www.npm.gov.tw/exh99/southernsong/images/img_04_7.jpg

Will H. Hays is burning in hell

sometimes a fragment of childhood snags in your memory and crystallizes a whole sense of the past around it, the strangest of spaces. why is it so profoundly sad, this usually mundane bit of suburban summertime that grips my chest as it fills my head, pain of something lost. lost from inside me or lost from the world? or both?

and if it's all within what could possibly be the use of the wiring that regrets the loss of time passed?

man

it's fascinating, as you get older, those layers of nostalgia playing over each other. loss of childhood, then the slow erosion of yr children's childhood...it's one of those bitternesses that becomes an adult taste, like (wins?) described elsewhere. they play off each other - the space before i was born, the space i grew up in, the space i could still have future plans in. and the ready availability of old stuff on the web plays its part too, smooshing everything up, expanding nostalgia on a global scale

going without food as long as poss today so i can try and work out what the experience of hunger is like - been lazy lately and kind of sick of crap lazy food, kinda alienated from the experience of food

i dunno, just stuff...okay my stomach is growling but it's hard to pin down where the sensation of hunger sits: your head or your guts? certainly there's a bit of me that wants to go grab food but i can't think of anything easily accessible that wd feel pleasurable to eat and i feel like this brain hunger isn't imperative, yet...i feel like i'll end up eating out of some unconscious relaxation of the will rather than cos my body drives me to it. soon as i get out of work i'll get food of some sort but i can't place it as desire just yet

realize this is an experience only open to people with easy access to easy calories. such vague.

bit of sunshine def reduces the need to engage with physicality. think Camus said some stuff about the disconnected dreaminess of North African climate. some stuff other than the disconnected dreaminess of shooting a stranger, obv.

lol stuffing hungry face right now

so much everything, but so little

could construct a list of all the things i can't be bothered to do but i can't be bothered.

tired of the sound of my own thoughts again maybe, or grinding my teeth on judging other people's judging

a thin quivering line between enlightenment and oblivion

it is like a piece
of hair flying in the vastness of space

.. then the slow erosion of yr children's childhood...
― Tributes as popular Lichfield cat dies (Noodle Vague), Friday, 16 May 2014 09:04 (5 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalin

Feeling this. Our kids are similar age, I think. So many hopes for their future tempered by the realisation that that is their future and from here on in I play an ever-diminishing role.

i got a horrible fear last night, classic 1 in the morning horrors, i wanted all the time back, i knew it was all gone, i knew in some way those children are gone

of course their replacements are great but

i don't know whether the pictures haunt me more than console me, they feel so distant at that time of night

i miss them so much and i wonder if i don't feel that even when i have them close

crying in the office nagl

there's a guy who sits opposite from me who seems to be suffering from catastrophic depression. my manager has been trying to get him retired for months. jokes are made behind his back. he's my dark other. every day i feel like i want to say something to him but i got nothing and his dislocation is granite and inviolable

Had a bad time at the weekend, thought I'd lost my work keys, went mental for a bit, then went into work and found them still in my locker where I'd left them a few days ago. Was relieved but just felt like a ridiculous human being who should be able to function properly but apparently not. At least no one will ever know..,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZNWnnkOduw

contemplating a Pepe Kalle thread

hi noodle :)

hi E :)

there's a guy who sits opposite from me who seems to be suffering from catastrophic depression. my manager has been trying to get him retired for months. jokes are made behind his back. he's my dark other. every day i feel like i want to say something to him but i got nothing and his dislocation is granite and inviolable

im p sure we have a guy like this. all his staff have been taken away. he shambles, lost, dresses well but unkemptly, i'd imagine clothes bought for him by someone else that he doesn't know how to keep, hair growing longer and he unshaven, i've shared an admittedly large room with him for three months and have yet to see him speak to or another soul speak to him. i don't think my attempting it would be welcome. he looks permanently dully horrified, like he's seen destruction and it's hit his brain but not his face yet. but granite and inviolable, yeah.

feel like when they joke about him around me there's a vibe of "but you're not like that any more!" and i don't totally welcome it

but that's probly my own solipsism and really some people just don't give a fuck

nobody jokes about this guy.

is that solipsism

they are separate btw

"they"?

those two lines

it was not a gnomic utterance

ach i get ya. probly not quite solipsism but close enough - forgetting there are all these other agendas in the world that aren't mine

course there are still probly jobs were a person can sit around going steadily catatonic for many years

and the pension after it, god bless us all

i don't know about youse guys but i expect pensionable age to keep running on ahead of me until the floods come up tbh

at the top of the road outside work this morning i saw a lorry that said AAH Pharmaceuticals.

felt it.

sometimes there's nothing anywhere around you not even in the furthest distance

http://lh5.ggpht.com/-zyLM-FyzrzA/UnaRLF9aPaI/AAAAAAAFhTc/3A-R6exMx7U/s800/87665_30494_1263990045431_1400130397_30625191_5134781_n.jpg

feel that i'd have some pretty aesthetically solid bergman-esque ennui going on today if it wasn't being rendered absurd by a persistent 'livin' on a prayer' earworm.

hooking up to my football-based morphine drip

o god

o?

good vibes to you NV

thanks )

tiny boat middle ocean no compass etc

with intermittent bursts of impotent grrrr

ah, yann martel

i saw a license plate today that said 12NV and i thought, we could gladly do with 11 more of him.

that is true

was going to change the lyrics of 12XU to be more Noodley, but, no Custos

(OK, often Custos, can't be bothered rn, also could only think of "saw you on a screen, funny and mean" which may not sound like the compliment I'd mean it as)

quite happy to be funny and mean

11 more a passing spacecadets would also be good if we're putting in orders.

approved

advance refusal in anticipation of any other acquisition dockets for further duplication of recent posters ITT reason: likelihood of hardcase surplus, scone deficit.

I'm in report mode btw

i just remembered i also saw or maybe it was a dream a license plate that said .05DM and i thought, hopefully not the report mode half.

its the max fraction of me active during reporting duty tbh

have you been to keogh's recently, i want to know so i can torment myself with heavenly scone visions.

seems unfair ITT and @nz to note that I start each working day with a scone of almost-keogh quality with ms mac thanks to new commuting arrangements