shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

when city officials make public statements about the size of your penis to the local paper, it's probably time to move

I assumed it was a Portland thing, like turning a blind eye toward Nike or not being able to pump your own gas.

Pope Francis gets old school on the Devil

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/a-modern-pope-gets-old-school-on-the-devil/2014/05/10/f56a9354-1b93-4662-abbb-d877e49f15ea_story.html

http://corp.7-eleven.com/Newsroom/2014NewsReleases/7ElevenRollsOutMustacheStraws/tabid/595/Default.aspx

Boston Bomber’s Other Plan Was Opening Kazakhstan’s First Starbucks

Man Suing Stripper for $3k Because He Thought She Really Liked Him

http://blacksportsonline.com/home/2014/05/man-suing-stripper-for-3k-because-he-thought-she-really-liked-him/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-think-that-stripper-really-liked-me,10883/

Boston Bomber’s Other Plan Was Opening Kazakhstan’s First Starbucks

― panic disorder pixie (Sanpaku), Friday, May 16, 2014 10:36 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is the most exemplary example of what i was looking for when i started this thread.

lol

The stripper’s stage name is Nomi

ok really though?

Brad Pitt Tosses A Beer To Matthew McConaughey Upon Realizing They Are Neighbors

we love to hate thos e fuckers

Tom DeLay: ‘Americans Forget the Constitution Was Written by God’

In case you're curious, Brad and Matt drink Hopitoulas IPA. Not great, not bad.

Time magazine is really aiming for the Onion demographic.

Drunk Fish Totally Impress Sober Fish, Study Finds

thread has really gotten back on track in a big way

Scientists accidentally create a Johnny Cash fan.

http://www.businessinsider.com/huge-social-media-manager-does-all-day-2014-5

ha, right down to the picture

Thus far, the post has yet to be retweeted, but it has generated two favorites.

Pennsylvania Girl Elbowed Boy In Testicles For Laughing After She Farted During Sex On School Bus: State Police

and that first sentence, too!

It wasn't even... a fart...

so did all of those things happen in sequence, on the school bus, or

International Business Times

Slightly guilty lols for posting this one, but http://bobbraunsledger.com/guest-top-newark-student-says-time-to-speak-is-now/

http://bobbraunsledger.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/BLOGJORDANTHOMAS-231x300.jpg GUEST: Top Newark student says time to speak is now

Today’s guest blog was written by Jordan Thomas, a senior at Newark’s University High School where he is valedictorian and earned a 4.5 GPA. He was admitted to Princeton, Harvard, Yale, and Rutgers and will attend Princeton in the fall. He plans to go to law school and become a Constitutional lawyer. He was the student member of the Newark School Advisory Board for this school year. He delivered these remarks at Tuesday night’s board meeting.

“Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.”

This passage, derived from our nation’s founding text, the Declaration of Independence, details an individual’s natural propensity to tolerate, or, in some cases, suffer, rather than to excite disruption, engage in public denunciation, or demand absolute reformation in times of hardship and deficient leadership. Candidly, I admit that I have been one so guilty of remaining reserved and civil in both action and speech through the duration of the struggle that has occurred in the Newark Public Schools system these months past, blinded by a false sense of hope, a chimerical sense of promise, and a foolish belief that my words and admonitions would be heeded if conducted in a manner that coupled professionalism with discretion.

Unfortunately, an unspeakable decision that has been unveiled last week has revealed that approach to be ineffective, and, as stated by our founding fathers, there comes a time in which one must no longer hold his tongue or contain his extreme dissatisfaction.

wow, the Smoking Gun headline on that one story is "Bus Sex Teen Busted After Queef Beef"

Welcome to 'boring' Belgium where even the pigeons are on cocaine

Billy Crystal swept the Audie Awards, otherwise known as the "Oscars of the audiobook industry."

Secret Service urgently seeks sarcasm-detecting software

http://s.mlkshk.com/r/ZAOP

this could go in a few threads (facebook for one) but here seems fine:
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/118013/satire-news-websites-are-cashing-gullible-outraged-readers

http://seattle.cbslocal.com/2014/06/09/doctor-accused-of-sexting-during-surgery/

I give you all a fucking PRIME candidate here:

http://www.philly.com/philly/living/20140611_More_young_men_friends_embracing__and_it_s_in_no_way_gay_.html

omg this sentence so good: "Pasko, it turns out, has wrapped his arms around a long-term trend: In a broad range of social settings, more men are embracing, well, embracing."

faux social science and puns: i "hold" both "dear to my heart" (hugging)

I don't get how that article can be read as "Onion style"? It depicts a genuine phenomenon (physical closeness becoming more popular among male friends and acquaintances) deeply rooted in social changes (the loosening of male gender norms, decrease homophobia), which is explained in the article. I don't see how it's supposed to be funny or something?

McCormack said several types of gateway hugs are facilitating the shift.

didn't we lol at an article in the NYT or something a while back, that was essentially the same as this one

this feels like a clickhole listicle

http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/13/us/irpt-flag-day/index.html?c=us

lol

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/in-the-loop/wp/2014/06/14/ambassador-donates-historic-e-reader-to-swiss-museum/?tid=recommended_strip_2

The Lack of Major Wars May Be Hurting Economic Growth (NYT)

tyler cowen but curious to read that since the argument apparently isn't 'cuz keynes'

Match.com Will Use Facial Recognition to Find People Like Your Ex

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/06/18/its-come-to-this-fox-news-brings-on-nfls-terry-bradshaw-for-benghazi-analysis/

Florida doomsday prepper plans bloody last stand until cops lure him in with burgers

Leading scientist ejected by audience after 'trying to crowd surf' at classical music concert

SAN FRANCISCO - A handsome mug shot of a Northern California man arrested on felony weapons charges has gone viral on social media, attracting more than 33,000 "likes" and drawing comments praising his high cheek bones, chiseled face and striking blue eyes.

https://ca.news.yahoo.com/mug-shot-california-suspect-gets-30-000-facebook-034346359.html