Craigslist hilarity

Awwwww.

Frankenpick
Date: 2007-10-19, 9:08AM CDT

Latest offering smuggled from the former Soviet Union, this pick utilizes old Russian nuclear laser technology. Strap on the convenient Velcro micro-unit, plug into any 1200 Watt power supply, and aim the solar panels directly at the sun and dial in the guitar style of your choice.
From Chet Atkins to Duane Allman, guitar herodom is literally at your fingertips. The micro sensors process the bass and drum beats and submit a series of small electrical shocks directly into your nervous system causing you to involuntarily crank out searing leads.
A word of caution: actual electrical discharges my vary, and side affects could include erratic blues face, trembling of the hips commonly known as Presley syndrome, drooling and involuntary anal discharge. In extreme cases, you may be mistaken for a drummer.
Local sales only. Cash only. Contact your health care professional if erection last more than 6 hours. No scammers please.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/453488653.jpg

* Location: South Austin
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 453488653

flagged for my for sale ad
Date: 2005-10-20, 11:13PM PDT

I originally posted this in the "for sale" section of this website, but it was flagged and removed within 25 minutes. If you know anyone that can help me, please read on:

Years ago, just before i transferred from Chemeketa to the U of O, i was in a pretty sad state--sexwise, that is. My problem was that i wasn't pulling enough trim to keep my sexual desires satiated. I was basically a walking boner machine, cranking out a product that nobody wanted. Getting laid in high school was no problem: Back in the 90s girls would lift skirt as naturally as they would sneeze or yawn. But when college and hence my 20s came around, something happened. I can't put my finger in it, but i think it had something to do with the fact that women over 20 aren't impressed with things like how quickly you can shotgun a can of Milwaukee's Best Ice.
So my first term at U of O was pretty much vadgeless, no matter what i tried. Dyed my hair blonde, bought a new Merkur with the two spoilers, threw away all of my old Hypercolor T-shirts, even started ordering Cointreau Sidecars at the bar just to seem impressively pedantic. Nothing worked, and I was just about ready to resign myself to life without poon.
But then one day a miracle happened. I was walking back to my quad on 18th and Kincaid when i found something in the holly bushes out in front of the Lorax. It was easily recognizable by the shape of the hardcase poking out from the foliage. I opened up the case and saw that it was an accoustic guitar. A beautiful guitar that said "Regent by Kramer" on the little stem thingie. I placed the guitar back into the soft fluffy red fur that lined the hardcase and lugged it home. I placed a lost and found ad in the Emerald and called it a night. I didn't think it at the time, but that was pretty much the last night i would sleep without two soft milky-white breasts to bury my chin between.
The following day I decided to take the guitar with me to my CompLit 318 class because it was one of those once-a-week 6-hour classes that was more like an independent study type of thing. Just before reaching the corner of 17th and University, a girl named Alayne Mundtz walked up to me. Her first words were, "Are you in a band?" I was so surprised that such a beautiful although shortish Jewish girl would walk up to a stranger on the street that i lied, "Yes. Yes i am." By 9:30 that night, I was nose deep in Alayne. She broke up with me about three weeks later (when she finally realized that i didn't actually know how to play guiter), but that was okay because i was getting pretty sick of her anyway. Two nights later, i brought the guitar to Max's on 13th. That's where Jennifer D'Amico bought me four pints of Jubelale before taking me home. She thought she was an "artist" and had all of these paintings of butterflies all over her bedroom. I didn't care, though, because she was a box-shaver and that was the first time I'd ever gone down on a hoo-ha sans hair. She kicked me out of her apartment about a month later when she found out i wasn't in a band, but--again--i was fine with that because i think i was allergic to her fabric softener.
That was pretty much how the rest of my college career went. I got a BA in English Lit because i was happy to coast by on a 2.49 GPA, and about 30 notches on my headboard because of the guitar.
I moved to Portland after graduation, and the guitar-luck, of course, came with me. I've sprayed in all sorts of Portland girls thanks to this guitar: Indies, goths, trustafarians, hipsters, even a lesbian once from that time i lugged it up to the Egyptian Club on Division. This instrument has been vital in both my sexual development and approximately seven abortions. I won't even tell you about the time when i brought the guitar to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats. All I can say is that Planned Parenthoods are a ripe garden of fertile baby caves. Best. Blowjob. Ever.
You may be wondering why i'm willing to part with this guitar, this chick magnet, this slit supplier. Fair question. I present my answer to you in two parts: Firstly, i think it's morally apprehensible to walk around town with a guitar case if the only reason you're doing it is to moisten panties, especially if you've never even bothered to learn how to play. Secondly, and more importantly, I've finally met a girl without the help of the guitar. On one of the rare occassions that i forgot to bring out the chick magnet, i met a saucy little redhead at Paradox, and the carpets match the drapes if you know what i mean. We're engaged to be married.
I can pretty much guarantee that you'll be swimming in muffpuddles by the end of the week if you buy this guitar, but i really don't want to tell the fiancee about this so please don't hesitate to take it off my hands.
The price is firm.
PostingID: 105596028

This instrument has been vital in both my sexual development and approximately seven abortions. I won't even tell you about the time when i brought the guitar to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats. All I can say is that Planned Parenthoods are a ripe garden of fertile baby caves. Best. Blowjob. Ever

oh my. wonder how this would go over at slam poetry/open mic nite.

having heard something very similar two nights ago i can tell you: carwash clapped off the stage

also

* Location: South Austin

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats.

This is approximately 15 blocks/ 0.75 miles SE of where I'm currently sitting. And to think, the most exciting thing I've ever seen there is that they have a library.

Oh and douchebag pro-lifers will occasionally protest the place and get laughed at.

A large picture but safe for work ("Sarah Michelle Gellar and I").

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/ats/1111457569.html

selling ford truck - $1200 (girard)
Reply to: sale-9ujvk-1163953✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-10, 3:37PM EDT

$1200 obo this has been a good truck for me but i have to sell it because i cant ever get to it with all of the bees around it they have been in and around it for almost 2 months now and i havent been able to get near 5 feet or else i get stung and im sick of it i still have welts from months ago stingings and i cant even get to work because i cant get to my truck so i have to sell it test drives at ur own risk i cant go with you too many bees

* Location: girard
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://images.craigslist.org/3k93o63pdZZZZZZZZZ95a9d51ae134b8c1fcb.jpg

holy shit. i need that as a link so i can send it to coworkers!

http://snarkerati.com/movie-news/files/2008/08/candyman.jpg

here's the link http://youngstown.craigslist.org/cto/1163953978.html

i cant go with you too many bees

btw I just saw Candyman. wtf was the deal with that movie?

Oh, it's just ONE OF THE BEST HORROR MOVIES EVER MADE

i don't know but this reminded me of tommy boy like where they're driving drunk and they get pulled over so they run out of the car going BEES! RUN! YOUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST THEM!

http://www.indiancomedian.com/EddieIzzard.jpg

it's coveredinBEEEEEEES!!!!!!

Knew someone who was genuinely too shit scared to say "Candyman" in a mirror five times

along with being great sociopolitical commentary at the same time, imho

oh beehive...
http://www.anglotopia.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/austin-powers-shagadelic.jpg

It made absolutely no sense to me & was not scary but OTOH I was sick & running a temp of ~102º F at the time.

"Movie reviews by a lady who is stupid and running a fever."

LOL classic self-deprecation there. that would be a good thread. you should do it.

anyway: Candyman the character is the classic 'Other,' the object of Helen's (Virginia Madsen) sexual fantasies...his monster senses her weaknesses, then assumes/consumes Helen to the point that she becomes Candyman. Her salvation comes only when she essentially dies in order to rid Candyman from her psyche; additionally, her 'sacrifice' is representative of an attempt to heal the schisms of racism and racial herding-- the baby that she saves is a 'new son.'

Finally, the film deals with issues of miscengenation as well as race/class tourism's destructive effects on communities.

I believe the last part-- the first part is more the political gobbledygook explanation of a slasher film.

KILLING ME WON'T GET YOUR GODDAMNED TRUCK SOLD!!

http://media.photobucket.com/image/Wicker%20Man%20Bees/GroinGremlin/beesnickcage.jpg

Sounds like a typical bee movie plot to me...

dude

am i that bad

honestly, if i am, i promise to shut my fucking trap forever

no you are not that bad

thank u

Knew someone who was genuinely too shit scared to say "Candyman" in a mirror five times

― snoball, Monday, May 11, 2009 6:41 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol

I interpreted for Bernard Rose (Candyman director) on the set of a later and much, much crapper movie, Anna Karenina. He was entertaining and clever if occasionally a demanding bastard. He used to flap his arms and cackle.

rip

http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2009/05/craigslist-gives-in-will-shut-down-erotic-services-section.ars

Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

Lil Wayne wanted (DC-MD-VA)
Date: 2009-06-12, 12:27PM EDT

My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.

Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

someone who genuinely likes to make children cry.

that is so sad ;_; both of them!
why does craigslist want to trick little kids & destroy their dreams?

would do the first....and possibly the second.

Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it.

yes, that must be it.

"Here is the kicker..."

Dog one is a dream job. Unless the dog vomits in my car or something.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

lmao

http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/com/1233300670.html

TO "PHISH" PEOPLE AT ALPINE VALLEY THIS WEEKENED (EAST TROY)
Reply to: comm-mkrbh-1233300✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-06-22, 1:31AM CDT

I HAVE LIVED OFF OF COUNTY HWY D NEAR ALPINE VALLEY FOR THE PAST 24 YEARS AND OFTEN FEEL THE RESIDUAL NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF THE CONCERTS. NEVER HAVE I HAD AN INCIDENT SUCH AS THE ONE THAT OCCURRED ON SATURDY NIGHT (JUN. 20) FOLLOWING A "PHISH" MUSICAL. OUR DOG WOKE US AT 1:30 AM MAKING A RUCKUS. WE HAVE A SMALL WARMING HOUSE NEAR THE EDGE OF THE HIGHWAY THAT I BUILT FOR OUR DAUGHTERS (NOW GROWN) TO WAIT FOR THE SCHOOLBUSES IN. THE LIGHT IN IT WAS ON AND SOMEONE WAS INSIDE. I PUT ON CLOTHES AND APPROACHED AND FOUND HIM DEFECATING ON THE FLOOR. HAD HAIR LOOKED LIKE A DOORMAT. EYES WERE BUGGY LIKE I REMEMBER ON MEN IN VIETNAM. I HAD A SHOTGUN AND TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO CLEAN UP THE DEFECATE. BUT I AM OLD (71 NOW) AND MADE A MISTAKE, RETURNING TO THE HOUSE TO GET A HOSE AND BUCKET. HE RAN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE INTERSTATE AND I DIDNOT FOLLOW.

MY MESSAGE IS THIS: GET YOUR PEOPLE IN ORDER "PHISH". AND NEVER COME TO ALPINE VALLEY AGAIN. SHAME ON YOU. I AM POSTING ON CRAIGLIST BECAUSE I HAVE USED IT TO SELL TRUCK PARTS AND LAWN FURNTITURE AND DOUBT AN EDITOR'S LETTER IN THE JOURNAL/SENTINEL WILL REACH "PHISH" PEOPLE, WHO MY NEIGHBOR SAYS ARE MOSTLY FROM ILLINOIS OR EASTCOAST. I AM ALSO LOOKING FOR AN APOLOGY FROM THE MAN WHO COMMITTED THIS ACT. HE LEFT BEHIND A WHITE HAT WITH AN ALIEN ON IT. ALSO A GLASS THING. I AM GOING TO THROW THEM AWAY.

* Location: EAST TROY
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

lol "A GLASS THING"

Crack pipe, obviously. You know those "PHISH" people.

So it's not your business to flag the RE; poster ? PEOPLE! don't you remember your bully days from grade school ? You allow it ,it festers! Then the bully gets more powerful and finally no one wants to come to school ! Columbine was the culmantion of what happens when you don't keep the bully at check ! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS FLAG HIM ! but instead you sit back and allow it because you don't agree with my way of dealing with this deviate ! Worse you buy into the "where there is smoke ther is fire " addage Believe what you want ! I am selling ,not retailing ! You don't like the price ? the Eastern Europeans know what to do ! OFFER ME LESS Many people leave with that item at that price ! But to bitch about it openly ! SERIOUSLY ! Go back to your mother maybe she cares ! Don't cry about the price ! ALSO! What the Chinese make is done wih the blessing of the US GOV unless it sports the USA manufacturers name ! Jay Turser is not Gibson you fool ! And to call Jay Turser Shit ! You have a bigot and an idiot roled into the same panty waisted coward ! Lose your job because the chinese do it better ! Sucks to be you ! Go back to school and man up ! Or is crying going to get you another low skill job as you come to work after lunch hammered on legal drugs ! Then the troll says "nice to be here without Bob " all I did was change the text ! I never left !

hammered on legal drugs ... sucks to be you?

Ew.

http://fayar.craigslist.org/mis/1232076168.html

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/19/116450033_4266fb5229_o.jpg

Marvelous DJ needs you!!!! (Los Angeles)
Reply to: job-uw6bt-1269270✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-07-14, 7:48AM PDT

Who wants to work parties with me next March and April and this summer maybe too????

one "Marvelous DJ" needs to hire dancers and employees for Bar and Bat-mitzvah parties ASAP!!!!!!!!

No experience necessary. I'm starting a new company. I have worked for the biggest entertainer in the business for over 10 years as his assistant.

I'm so good at what I have done in the past with my old company that I will start my own shit and make bank!!!!
My boss say I can't not do this, but I dont care.

Share the wealth. Jewish people have lots of money to spend on these parties.

I need dancers & people who know what do at events like if you have bartendering, or DJing, and party hyping experience or whatever.

I don't have a website cuz I dont need one, I'm that good.

so you'll have to call me for an audtion or unless you have videos of yourself dancing. Send sexy pictures only via email. Videos are a plus.

I am willing to pay more than any other DJ company out there cuz these fools dont know there are doing!!!

I dont have an office yet but hopefully I will someday and soon as I start booking more parties. : )

So email me and I will hit you back on my cell!

Also if there is anyone that needs a good party, please please please call me. I'm just getting started on my own, but I have tons of experience and can do a great job. I will only charge $50 per hour for now to make some quick money so I can get things rolling.

bartendering.