Blue Saturday

"I feel it foaming in... I feel it foaming in... Soap In! Dirt out! Soap in! Dirt ooouuuuuuut!!!"

(sorry)

Apropos of nothing: I just had the sudden realisation (which I wish I had had many years earlier, but there you go) that when someone tells me that *I* am "feeling" (or, rather, expressing) some emotions in my words that I am neither feeling, nor indeed expressing, what they are actually telling me is that *they* are feeling that emotion.

http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/34255006.jpg

blue, blue, electric blue, that's the colour of my room

Blue, blue, electric blue, that's the colour of my rocks, where I will... go and punch rocks until I learn to stop shooting my fucking mouth off at trolls again.

I got trolled. Again. Do not allow yourself to get trolled. Repeat to fade. I need some pictures of hott post-punk guitarists right about now. :(

I am well aware that I have a massive fucking key sticking out of my back, saying "Wind here" which is inescapable and unavoidable, and I can actually physically feel it when someone is winding it, enough to know I'm being wound.

But I guess, sometimes it's not actually a case of someone winding that key, it's more like it's a case of I'm already wound up and need some kind of data-core-dump release of saying the shit on my mind, and it's not actually *that* specific case of that idiot troll winding, but more that the spring needs to get unwound and I'm going to unwind it on them.

Oops, I did it again. I need to go and deal with the mice-man now.

"I have used several tools to think about and identify my career and personal goals. I find it difficult to think about what I want or what I need to do to achieve this. I feel as though I am stuck permanently in an irksome present, with no future to aspire to and all possible dreams of fulfilment rendered impossible through lack of income, lack of opportunity, lack of willpower. I would talk about aboulia but this would perhaps be melodramatic – another character trait which offers no help in obtaining more remunerative employment in the future.

Not that I consider myself directly motivated by financial gain. It’s just that I have basic needs that require money. I need somewhere to live, I need to be able to eat, I need to be able to pay for utilities and water. That probably covers the sum of my absolute needs. I would class payment of maintenance for my children as an absolute need but accept that in the strictest sense it isn’t necessary for my continued existence. However, since my fundamental rationale for existing is to support my children into adulthood we should consider maintenance as a more or less absolute need."

seem to have wandered off-track. still cannot identify personal or career goals.

Is there a natural linear progression from the point you are now to a specific future role or do you have the freedom (in theory) to take it in different directions?

there's no role in my organization that wd interest me, i'm 45 and i've got virtually zero marketable skills to speak of.

this is probably not my best day for self-analysis.

actually the reality is i have a few "goals" that are so unlikely to be achieved that they might as well come under the category of daydreams

i shd probably focus all my energies on making life changes to get me where i want to go but a) what little energies i have are just about hanging on to the job i'm in and b) there's not meant to be any escape from this, silly

there's a bunch of physical/mental stuff happening at the moment that i'm trying to put right - can't sleep, can't eat, can't do much - maybe when i do that clarity will descend

books and sunshine and peace is all i want. surrounded by a mass acceptance that these are unreasonable demands.

i seem to be working in this environment with an underlying tone of "fuck weakness" which is totally not what this job shd be but also totally not okay for me. embrace weakness. let's all be feeble together and let the strong go off and butt each other to death.

this is our society now more than ever, be useful or get out

lol disjointed Friday meltdowns

Setting goals and working toward them is part of leading a normal life.

srsly i don't think i know anybody

<3 NV

Jobs are disgraceful, goals are disgraceful, unreasonable demands are the only reasonable option left. <3 u

thanks :)

just got that fuzzy head, don't know what it is. do other people regularly have whole days where they can't think straight to the extent of not being able to do work tasks properly? i'm trying to straighten my sleep out and hope that makes it go away but it's horrible tbh, i can't explain to not fuzzy-headed people that being crap isn't a lifestyle choice.

stupid rhetorical question. i know people get this thing. what is it and how do you make it go away?

Fuzzy head with intervals of sharp self loathing and blowing streaks of uselessness is my number one side effect of sleeplessness. It gets really rough for me during the seasonal change times of the year, like in 40 years my brain hasn't figured out that days get shorter and then they get longer again. :-/

i seem to be working in this environment with an underlying tone of "fuck weakness" which is totally not what this job shd be but also totally not okay for me.

Time will tell but my current employer seems to hire for, and respect, emotional labor, and their motto for how employees should feel is "safe, warm, and secure." And this doesn't seem to be just talk? It should be a condition of most/all workplaces, to respect the humanity of humans, but it feels revolutionary.

do other people regularly have whole days where they can't think straight to the extent of not being able to do work tasks properly?

With me this is usually down to some kind of depressive episode, I've had quite a lot of days like this over the last couple of months. Should mention that was largely down to my own failures as a human being so it was a deserved depression if there is such a thing.

we're not always fair judges of ourselves when we're depressed tho

at least i'm catching this early and taking steps, i dunno what else one cd do

I got signed off work for a week and went to stay with friends for a couple of days, and the doc temporarily upped my prozac although I didn't really maintain that as long as they wanted me to because I don't feel very good on anything over the minimum dose, but that helped a lot. I'm not saying that would help everyone of course and not everyone has access to friends who are able to put you up at short notice like that. In my case it just happens one of my best friends is currently off work with M.E. so they were around and could've used some company anyway.

Re judging selves, yes totally agree normally but in this case I did actually act objectively badly. One could argue that was down to my depressed state of mind at the time but in this particular case that's a cop out, not that it always is in such situations.

no i know what you mean, i feel like sometimes i walk a fine line between excusing my own worst instincts and beating myself up for the comfort of confirming them

nv i found sleep issues to be another effect of the drifting rather than anything else, am sleeping much better since starting study.

no idea how i kicked out of drifting and into decision mode ito actually getting to the stage of now being a student tho

dmac otm tackling the sleep problem can be be the key to solving a lot of daytime issues

easier said than done of course <3

It might just be the insomnia talking, but I am really not feeling it at the moment.

But I don't know what else to do instead.

:(

brains shd have evolved some kind of downtime override that doesn't involve Drambuie

There are days that ILX is a really fun place to hang out and chat with my mates while ignoring idiocy. And then there are days when the overwhelming negativity and relentless low-level hatred is just a sucking chest wound in my already depleted emotional reservoir. Admittedly, the difference is me, and how much breathing room I have. Not getting enough sleep, not getting enough external social contact, not getting enough basic Maslovian needs met... I am feeling really shitty about my job search. And feeling shitty about it leads to searching less, which means fewer and worse bites from headhunters which means feeling even shittier about it. I don't think *this* helps. Right now I'm not even sure what does (answer: drawing boys) but good god, some reliable way of getting 8 hours instead of 4, that would help.

i got nothin' that i cd turn into a twinkly Facebook motivational jpeg but you've got all my sympathy BB

https://31.media.tumblr.com/025f7f8da6b7e19c23e4f8f77f222b16/tumblr_inline_n2rlweCEi11qklnhw.jpg

"Here's mud in yr eye fingers in your bang, kid"

meanwhile somebody scanned the Book of Kells

http://digitalcollections.tcd.ie/home/index.php?DRIS_ID=MS58_003v

which is a bugger cos it's kinda hard to look at discreetly whilst at work

books and sunshine and peace is all i want. surrounded by a mass acceptance that these are unreasonable demands.

― pings can only get wetter (Noodle Vague), Friday, 14 March 2014 10:20 (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

seems perfectly reasonable on a day like this. make some excuse at work, grab your book and take the bus out of the city.

Oh yeah that Kells online thing is amazing and good trippy fun. But not exactly work appropriate, unless your job is actually, Medieval Monk.

Why can't my job be Medieval Monk. I'd be perfectly suited for it. Sing hymns, draw strange beasts, read books, flagellate self. Why is this no longer a career option.

But now looking at the picture of Kessler with a glass of whiskey has awakened whisky rage in me and I waaaaaaant whisky.

I have sunshine and peace and instead of reading books, I'm fretting online. I am a fucking idiot.

I need to ask cause its been bugging me, who does that guy look like? I think I'm thinking of an actor.

Road trip guy, maybe

I looked at it in work! But I work (v. tangentially) on some less glamorous l*br*ry d*g*t*sation projects so I was all set to say "just checking out the competition, yo" if anyone asked. Which they did not. Which is good because that might be the most work-related thing I've spent more than five minutes on all morning. Oh dear.

Had a quite productive Tuesday, although it was a day of new tasks constantly rolling in and being dealt with, not actually getting any longer-term tasks done. All downhill from there...

it is a beautiful day in Hull. just spent an hour of it discussing how to manage other people's naughty behaviour. god the ironing.

Stoner dude from clueless! Right? Kinda.

I have never seen Clueless or Road Trip so I am useless at this game but I don't think anyone would appreciate it if I just posted loads of pictures of dude so you could guess who he looks like some more.

Also, headhunters, christ it's terrible when they don't call but it's even more terrible when they do and I am tired of talking to headhunters.

this thread has had lots of tawdrier things than pictures of dudes you want to commune with in a fingerbanging scenario tbh

His GUITAR TONE. I want to commune in a fingerbanging session with his ~guitar tone~.

OK, it would help if he made this face while doing it, but sure.

https://31.media.tumblr.com/1742fe0f5dee956c768ee77ca9d792d6/tumblr_n2rrlekWTg1r6cs0zo4_r1_1280.png

I have been for a walk in the sunshine and it is glorious. I have communed with some blossom and inspected my orchards. Now I have a painting to finish.

I have never seen Clueless

m8

just spent an hour of it discussing how to manage other people's naughty behaviour. god the ironing.

Just spent 45 minutes in a meeting where the manager talked about why it's other people's fault that work isn't getting done. Oh the ironing manager's transparently obvious skiving.

OH GOD I NEED TO GO AND DEAL WITH THE COUNCIL TAX PEOPLE.

SPARE ME. JUST FUCKING SPARE ME FROM LAMBETH COUNCIL.

I have managed to sort through a year's worth of unfiled billed and bank statements and found the supporting evidence that it is how I said it was, and they fucked up. (I wish I had kept copies of the letters I sent, but stupidly, I did not.)

But I am trying to gather together the nerve and the confidence to actually walk down to the nearest council office (probably to be told that they cannot handle it, and I have to go to Brixton) and attempt to sort it all out. ARGH.

too late now but keep copies of everything in future, yeah, they are evil for "losing" paperwork

It's entirely possible I have a scan somewhere, but my computer files are even worse than my physical ones. For a pack rat who keeps *everything* I sure am shit at finding things again.