Blue Saturday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKBAJYceQ54

Ill.

I'm supposed to go and get my blood drawn (for god knows what nefarious ends) but I figure they probably don't want my virusy blood in the place. My fault for going to the doctor. Every time I go to that bloody doctor's office, I get sick. :(

i had some thinks about game-playing but they've gone this morning. something to do with toys/games and play as a doll's house everything-in-its-right-place exercise as opposed to point-scoring in its oneupmanship sense and some weak jokes about playing with yrself as opposed to beating off other people

i often think similar things to what you said about playing/making art, except i'm stuck on the playing side of it when i'd like to do some making too. but playing can be a bit like making sand mandalas i think

have you heard of Mihály Csíkszentmihályi and his writings about "Flow"? - [pause for a second while Beyonce sings "Blow" in my head] - this stuff has probably been perverted to evil managementspeak ends already but it is quite zen-y and interesting to me even as it states something apparently obvious (which is also a zen-y thing to do i guess)

Yes, I have read Flow (and should probably dig it out and read it again) and understand about flow states and their appeal.

I dunno, I've been thinking about games vs play, as well. And I think I'm lying if I say that points don't appeal to me. Because I certainly do check AO3 almost every day to see what the read count of each story is, and how many kudoses they have got, which is a very gameified activity, really. AO3 readers don't leave comments as much as other sites, but it sure is nice to get dished out some big fat kudoses, and what is a "kudos" except a point scoring system.

I suppose what I don't like about sports/games/etc is that the rules are so arbitrary and made up by someone else. It's not as if I don't understand the appeal of constraints (that sand mandala thing, the pleasure, I think, comes from following the rules/constraints and the orderlyness of it). The thing is, I actually think that's why I *prefer* writing fan fiction to writing real fiction, specifically *because* of the constraints. That your rules are reality, and ~this is what happened~ and you have to either fit your story completely within that framework - or justify why you haven't (and some fanbases will really call you out if you get things wrong) Which I guess is "everything in its right place" kind of rules.

It's funny, though, because "making" always has its own rules, no matter what it is that you are making. There really is no such thing as free-form making, no matter what ~experimental artists~ try to tell you. And working out what the rules of your genre is half the full of operating in it.

Oh god that was the doctor on the phone wanting to know why I hadn't had my blood tests, leave me alone you vampires. And no, I don't know what I weigh, and I don't care what I weight and that's very deliberate, leave me alone.

God I hate having my blood taken. No one can ever EVER find a vein on the first go.

I feel like I should start to tell phlebotomoists: that tasty vein all the way over on the left, don't go for that one. There is no blood in it. Every single one always goes for that vein and then says to me, mystified "I don't understand why I can't get blood from this vein." You know what, it's not a real vein. I only grew it to psych you out. Please try another. Ouch.

lol aww

I have no post I just wanted to say "Blue Mar 10"

(yes, I get quite the pummeling whenever I go for a blood test too. "hmm, well, I guess we'll try the other arm again" oh yeah great.)

i am getting quite a knack for telling other people how to help themselfs

whilst casually contemplating oblivion

Well yknow youve got that helpful outside perspective there, imo

Do I feel blue bcz someone wants some impossible work done, and I have to tell them no, contravening a belief that it is not nice to tell people no and people won't like me?

Or do I feel blue bcz my boss talked over me repeatedly when I tried to explain why the work was impossible (despite agreeing), then when I finally finished my sentence went all "well it's no good talking to me, hurry up and x", thus triggering my narcissistic "how dare someone not find my thoughts worthwhile!" reflex, and then some sad "it is vulgar to have this centre-of-the-universe reflex" thoughts?

Also I am a twat because I said something I wouldn't have said if I knew my boss was in the room. Quite a few somethings actually. Nothing outright personal but I listed a billion things I was behind on and complained about moving goalposts with a petulant tone. I am dumm.

In my universe, it's not nice to ask for impossible things. Saying no to impossible things is therefore not 'not-nice', it is nice, because nots, like negatives, cancel each other out.

I have spent the morning cleaning the flat to prepare for the upstairs neighbours' mice-man visit tomorrow. Because I couldn't find New Order's Substance (my default house-cleaning music) I ended up sticking the Joy Division on instead. I got So! Much! Cleaning! Done! Until I decided that JD was such good house-cleaning music I should listen to Closer. Oh boy was that a bad idea. That is not house-cleaning musics.

I hope you feel less blue.

TBH lately I don't feel so much blue as that I have a few recurring personal failures I should be blue about and I can't quite motivate myself to feel bad about them, never mind fix them. But this was a convenient thread for one of the short bolts of blue.

I never really liked JD's Substance until the day I put it on while house-cleaning. It must be good cleaning music, I guess.

Good luck with the mice-man!

"I feel it foaming in... I feel it foaming in... Soap In! Dirt out! Soap in! Dirt ooouuuuuuut!!!"

(sorry)

Apropos of nothing: I just had the sudden realisation (which I wish I had had many years earlier, but there you go) that when someone tells me that *I* am "feeling" (or, rather, expressing) some emotions in my words that I am neither feeling, nor indeed expressing, what they are actually telling me is that *they* are feeling that emotion.

http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/34255006.jpg

blue, blue, electric blue, that's the colour of my room

Blue, blue, electric blue, that's the colour of my rocks, where I will... go and punch rocks until I learn to stop shooting my fucking mouth off at trolls again.

I got trolled. Again. Do not allow yourself to get trolled. Repeat to fade. I need some pictures of hott post-punk guitarists right about now. :(

I am well aware that I have a massive fucking key sticking out of my back, saying "Wind here" which is inescapable and unavoidable, and I can actually physically feel it when someone is winding it, enough to know I'm being wound.

But I guess, sometimes it's not actually a case of someone winding that key, it's more like it's a case of I'm already wound up and need some kind of data-core-dump release of saying the shit on my mind, and it's not actually *that* specific case of that idiot troll winding, but more that the spring needs to get unwound and I'm going to unwind it on them.

Oops, I did it again. I need to go and deal with the mice-man now.

"I have used several tools to think about and identify my career and personal goals. I find it difficult to think about what I want or what I need to do to achieve this. I feel as though I am stuck permanently in an irksome present, with no future to aspire to and all possible dreams of fulfilment rendered impossible through lack of income, lack of opportunity, lack of willpower. I would talk about aboulia but this would perhaps be melodramatic – another character trait which offers no help in obtaining more remunerative employment in the future.

Not that I consider myself directly motivated by financial gain. It’s just that I have basic needs that require money. I need somewhere to live, I need to be able to eat, I need to be able to pay for utilities and water. That probably covers the sum of my absolute needs. I would class payment of maintenance for my children as an absolute need but accept that in the strictest sense it isn’t necessary for my continued existence. However, since my fundamental rationale for existing is to support my children into adulthood we should consider maintenance as a more or less absolute need."

seem to have wandered off-track. still cannot identify personal or career goals.

Is there a natural linear progression from the point you are now to a specific future role or do you have the freedom (in theory) to take it in different directions?

there's no role in my organization that wd interest me, i'm 45 and i've got virtually zero marketable skills to speak of.

this is probably not my best day for self-analysis.

actually the reality is i have a few "goals" that are so unlikely to be achieved that they might as well come under the category of daydreams

i shd probably focus all my energies on making life changes to get me where i want to go but a) what little energies i have are just about hanging on to the job i'm in and b) there's not meant to be any escape from this, silly

there's a bunch of physical/mental stuff happening at the moment that i'm trying to put right - can't sleep, can't eat, can't do much - maybe when i do that clarity will descend

books and sunshine and peace is all i want. surrounded by a mass acceptance that these are unreasonable demands.

i seem to be working in this environment with an underlying tone of "fuck weakness" which is totally not what this job shd be but also totally not okay for me. embrace weakness. let's all be feeble together and let the strong go off and butt each other to death.

this is our society now more than ever, be useful or get out

lol disjointed Friday meltdowns

Setting goals and working toward them is part of leading a normal life.

srsly i don't think i know anybody

<3 NV

Jobs are disgraceful, goals are disgraceful, unreasonable demands are the only reasonable option left. <3 u

thanks :)

just got that fuzzy head, don't know what it is. do other people regularly have whole days where they can't think straight to the extent of not being able to do work tasks properly? i'm trying to straighten my sleep out and hope that makes it go away but it's horrible tbh, i can't explain to not fuzzy-headed people that being crap isn't a lifestyle choice.

stupid rhetorical question. i know people get this thing. what is it and how do you make it go away?

Fuzzy head with intervals of sharp self loathing and blowing streaks of uselessness is my number one side effect of sleeplessness. It gets really rough for me during the seasonal change times of the year, like in 40 years my brain hasn't figured out that days get shorter and then they get longer again. :-/

i seem to be working in this environment with an underlying tone of "fuck weakness" which is totally not what this job shd be but also totally not okay for me.

Time will tell but my current employer seems to hire for, and respect, emotional labor, and their motto for how employees should feel is "safe, warm, and secure." And this doesn't seem to be just talk? It should be a condition of most/all workplaces, to respect the humanity of humans, but it feels revolutionary.

do other people regularly have whole days where they can't think straight to the extent of not being able to do work tasks properly?

With me this is usually down to some kind of depressive episode, I've had quite a lot of days like this over the last couple of months. Should mention that was largely down to my own failures as a human being so it was a deserved depression if there is such a thing.

we're not always fair judges of ourselves when we're depressed tho

at least i'm catching this early and taking steps, i dunno what else one cd do

I got signed off work for a week and went to stay with friends for a couple of days, and the doc temporarily upped my prozac although I didn't really maintain that as long as they wanted me to because I don't feel very good on anything over the minimum dose, but that helped a lot. I'm not saying that would help everyone of course and not everyone has access to friends who are able to put you up at short notice like that. In my case it just happens one of my best friends is currently off work with M.E. so they were around and could've used some company anyway.

Re judging selves, yes totally agree normally but in this case I did actually act objectively badly. One could argue that was down to my depressed state of mind at the time but in this particular case that's a cop out, not that it always is in such situations.

no i know what you mean, i feel like sometimes i walk a fine line between excusing my own worst instincts and beating myself up for the comfort of confirming them

nv i found sleep issues to be another effect of the drifting rather than anything else, am sleeping much better since starting study.

no idea how i kicked out of drifting and into decision mode ito actually getting to the stage of now being a student tho

dmac otm tackling the sleep problem can be be the key to solving a lot of daytime issues

easier said than done of course <3

It might just be the insomnia talking, but I am really not feeling it at the moment.

But I don't know what else to do instead.

:(

brains shd have evolved some kind of downtime override that doesn't involve Drambuie

There are days that ILX is a really fun place to hang out and chat with my mates while ignoring idiocy. And then there are days when the overwhelming negativity and relentless low-level hatred is just a sucking chest wound in my already depleted emotional reservoir. Admittedly, the difference is me, and how much breathing room I have. Not getting enough sleep, not getting enough external social contact, not getting enough basic Maslovian needs met... I am feeling really shitty about my job search. And feeling shitty about it leads to searching less, which means fewer and worse bites from headhunters which means feeling even shittier about it. I don't think *this* helps. Right now I'm not even sure what does (answer: drawing boys) but good god, some reliable way of getting 8 hours instead of 4, that would help.

i got nothin' that i cd turn into a twinkly Facebook motivational jpeg but you've got all my sympathy BB

https://31.media.tumblr.com/025f7f8da6b7e19c23e4f8f77f222b16/tumblr_inline_n2rlweCEi11qklnhw.jpg

"Here's mud in yr eye fingers in your bang, kid"

meanwhile somebody scanned the Book of Kells

http://digitalcollections.tcd.ie/home/index.php?DRIS_ID=MS58_003v

which is a bugger cos it's kinda hard to look at discreetly whilst at work

books and sunshine and peace is all i want. surrounded by a mass acceptance that these are unreasonable demands.

― pings can only get wetter (Noodle Vague), Friday, 14 March 2014 10:20 (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

seems perfectly reasonable on a day like this. make some excuse at work, grab your book and take the bus out of the city.

Oh yeah that Kells online thing is amazing and good trippy fun. But not exactly work appropriate, unless your job is actually, Medieval Monk.

Why can't my job be Medieval Monk. I'd be perfectly suited for it. Sing hymns, draw strange beasts, read books, flagellate self. Why is this no longer a career option.

But now looking at the picture of Kessler with a glass of whiskey has awakened whisky rage in me and I waaaaaaant whisky.

I have sunshine and peace and instead of reading books, I'm fretting online. I am a fucking idiot.

I need to ask cause its been bugging me, who does that guy look like? I think I'm thinking of an actor.

Road trip guy, maybe