Blue Saturday

i don't think i have much of a support network around me but it's mostly of my own choosing, and most of my friends drink and i don't want them to take responsibility for deciding what i do or don't do.

nostalgia is a hell of a drug, but tbf mine usually gets tempered with the same things you've said - what an idiot i was

I should stop listening to old records, maybe.

working out what to live for is the killer, of course, once you've asked yourself that question.

my preliminary guesses are: some kind of creative activity; the possibility (however faint) of some future loving connection with somebody; continuing my vision quest for the hell of it; fear of the alternative

i think BB there is a time to swim guiltlessly in nostalgia and a time to GET OUT OF THE POOL AND DRY YOUR HAIR and only ourselves can be the real judge of that

not making assumptions about people's hairedness, let's just say "dry whatever bits need drying"

I found my "reason to live for" when I was 15 and locked up in the loony hutch. Some local theatre class at a community college decided it would be an awesome idea to put on their dress rehearsal of a musical at our loony bin ("let's do the show right here!") It was Fame. I was a 15 year old in a Sid Vicious shirt. I *HATED* it. But I looked at those fuckers on that stage singing that stupid "I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly... HIGH!" bullshit, and I thought "if they can get to do this, with that crap, there is a place for me to do my crap." My parents had to get a special dispensation from my shrink to bring in a guitar, just in case I hung myself with the strings or something, but when they put a guitar in my hands, I came *alive* again, and I found a reason to go on living.

Without that, I got nothing.

^^^this of course, is a lie, and one of the biggest thoughtworms I have spent LOLtherapy deconstructing.

Future loving connection: LOL this is a joke to me. I've never found it in the past, why would I find it in the future? Who wants a crazy mixed up boy-girl whose idea of foreplay is wearing waistcoats and watching videos of Image Bands? Well, some people, in the past, but either I had the wrong genitals or they did. This is a pipe dream. I need bouze to overcome the revulsion of mine own body enough to have sex, and bouze is a no go. So not gonna happen.

Fear of the alternative: DING DING DING DING DING DING correct answer buzzer.

I don't know if this is swim guiltlessly in nostalgia time or if it's GET OUT OF THE POOL AND DRY YOUR HAIR time. (That is a great metaphor, BTW.) I think it is "see some people in the real world" time but my few friends are busy, busy, busy and I am so terrible at contacting people and saying "I know I suck and am hard fucking work but can I have an hour or two of your time?"

There was a ~Makerhood~ thing in Streatham last night, and I should really have gone, and talked to people about opportunities and how to print tea towels and fridge magnets, but I didn't find out about it until this morning when it was all over.

Anyway, I fucking hate the ~MAKER~ cult and all its artisanal bullshit, I mean, fuck capital A Art too but fuck ~MAKERS~ even more ugh ugh ugh and the talk was on "how to keep your creativity flowing" which is such bull bull bull crap. I do not need talks on how to ~keep your creativity flowing~ I need talks on how to get your ~creativity~ to STFU and go the fuck to sleep because it is 2am and I need to do stuff tomorrow. When's *that* talk on, huh. Blech.

i guess all that stuff is just other people's way of dealing with the pointlessness, to a large extent. it's still bollocks, obv.

True. On both points.

Today's salient lyric is "timeless like a broken watch" but I don't need to deconstruct that like "weightless semiotics"; I just know.

<mumbling>This is apropos, I just realized last night that since quitting drinking, I've been going back and listening to old high school favorites nightly. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to recapture some electric feeling that is shared by booze and melodic/anthemic rock.
One big realization I have come to is that my alcohol intake was a surrogate for meaningful activity/interaction.. or more precisely the cravings for booze were just masking/distorting my cravings for satisfaction/peace/happiness.. So yeah, the power of the social aspect of AA/etc is something I didn't fully comprehend until recently.. it's as if there's a lot of material/baggage that the booze suppressed for years and you need some kind of social lattice to grab on to so the torrent of thoughts/emotions don't overwhelm..
Good thoughts, both yall.

and to you too. sometimes i get impatient that all that stuff that booze was a surrogate for hasn't come flooding in. but it takes plenty of time to rewire your brain when you've spent so long scrambling it. any social networks that help you unscramble are well worth exploring ime.

On iPhone so quick but <3 & good feels to you both. I hear ya.

But hear this: that which is difficult
preserves democracy; you pay respect
to the intelligence of the citizen.
Basics are not condescension. Some
tyrants are great patrons. Let us observe
this and pass on. Certain directives
parody at your own risk.

Y O Y can't I explain in adequate terms why I find the whole ~makerhood~ thing so revolting to my LOLtherapist?

COMMODIFY YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF. With this $50 t-shirt from B----- M-------.

I don't think that melodic high school rock anthems have any inherent connection to booze but I do know that music you listened to a *lot* while boozing takes on the emotional charge of booze and can remind you of those highs. Music is the only emotional experience that has ever been real to me.

B----- M-------

Boston Market?

~Soft Grunge~ fashion house that lifted one of my designs and whacked it on a t-shirt retailing for $50 a couple of years ago? Guess that's passed out of ILX vernacular now. :-/

I was kidding. I remember the incident, even though I honestly don't know the name of the offending company.

I don't actually think it was a faux "home cooking" suburban restaurant chain.

Oh, OK - sorry! I'm just being ditzy and stupid tonight!

(I don't even know what Boston Market is; I assumed it was something to do with Faneuil Hall?)

http://blacksportsonline.com/home/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Boston-Market.jpg

Just when I'm thinking that LOLtherapy has stopped working and isn't doing any good, I find myself able to step back and say "I do not have to fight this fight" and RMDE and not jump in. And it feels like a weird exercise of masculinity to be aware that I could win that fight, but still choose not get in the fight.

There's a part of me that wants to protest it's not ~FAIR!!!~ and other people don't have to hold their tongues. But I guess I never really know how much other people do?

Feeling really rather manic is still feeling good at the moment, even though it is like walking around with all emotions set on FULL. Music has such an amazing emotional resonance when I'm like this, it feels like every song is aimed directly at me. Morrison's, bizarrely, was playing I Feel Love when I walked in, and floating round the vegetable aisles feeling ecstatic. Then they played some fantastic 80s ska (they really are ramping up the nostalgia) - one of you would probably know what it was, early 80s, 2-Tone, boy-girl vocals... But it was just like: This! Is the Greatest! Thing! and now I want to bounce around the flat to ska all afternoon just feeding off the energy because fast music is like rocket fuel for me right now. But Spotify no work on my decrepit laptop.

i spent the morning with my eyes shut being guided around outside in the sunshine and it was pretty nice tbh

The fuck did ye find some sunshine

England is stealing all the sunshine away from teh Celts again. Deal with it. :-P

it's a pretty nice day here - getting cloudier, but nice dramatic clouds and blustery not freezing wind and lots of intermittent sunshine

I got hailed on this morning yis shites

Why does it always hail on you. Is it because you lied when you were 17?

Hail hail the celts are here, surely

If you're Irish come into the parlour (because it's hailing outside)

Yeah well it serves you right for blowing "Gaels" (best misspelling ever) at Cornwall and Wales last week.

Blue-ears batteredday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZy7Nw5IDoQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qFXdgqCcq8

although the practice of Empire is continually bathed in blood, the concept of Empire is always dedicated to peace - a perpetual and universal peace outside of history.

in the dead heart of the pax Romana, 2014 AD

thank fukk there's no pills x x

I can lend you a Boring Machine if you'd like.

k that was not a great place :/

3:41 am seldom is, baeb

they're only red from all the things i could've done instead

I fear the Boring Machine is turning me into a giant ball of sexual frustration.

i am kinda equal parts sexual frustration and loss of all sense of myself as a sexual being most days

can deal with it when i'm not makeing bad booze decisions tho, and the weather is lovely today

is a Boring Machine like Professor Challenger's Pain Machine?

No, it just bores. It's making a sinkhole in my street, right outside my bedroom window. So watch it bore, all day long. They whack it with great rhythmic metal clanging and it goes all Neubauten. Then they pull it out and rub it all over with slurry or something. It's pretty... mesmerising. And not really boring at all.

no that sounds good. it could be a Pain Machine tho if it bores down deep enough. assuming the Earth is a big old sea urchin.

Now I am thinking of Duran Duran's machine from Barbarella and I need to go and listen to some Interpol or something.

lol like there isn't an hour of the day where that last bit doesn't hold true

The Battle of the Tamar.
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I haven't listened to Interpol in three whole days! It was driving me literally, like, Barneywaves crazy. I needed to prove I could quit any time, and so I did. I'm in control of this crush, OK. I'm on top of it.

(OK, I caved, I slipped in a naughty little Our Love To Admire just now. If I know it's so bad for me, why does it feel so good to do it? Can one get addicted to the feeling of naughtiness and doing something one knows one shouldn't?)