Blue Saturday

OK, yeah, I guess I've had between 2 and 5 for the past week or two so I've still got one hell of a sleep debt to pay off. I'm due to enter ~depressive phase~ later this week so perhaps I'll sleep for 3 or 4 days straight when I hit it, that'd be nice.

"Helping" - what does it even mean when your job is helping people? Because of the corrosive effect of Paid Labour, and yet "helping people" is supposed to be an inherently emotionally rewarding thing to do, what does it do when even your desire to "help people" gets ground down by being associated with all the negativity of... (I don't even have a word for what it is so I'll just say ugliness of the capitalist model, though the moment you say "capitalist" it brings in a raft of associations I don't even intend. Just the way that "making something your dayjob" makes it somehow inherently shitty and unenjoyable.)

I still haven't updated my CV. I still haven't even contacted any headhunters. It is not like I have anything else pressing and urgent to do. I am mucking about on ILX and obsessively doing the dishes and writing fan fiction. The only reason I can come up with for why I haven't started "Looking For A Job" is: "Because I Don't Have To."

Like, what is so fucking inherently ~amazing~ about jobs that I am supposed to get up and go look for one?

I have been having this argument with therapists since I was 16 years old (the first time I ever saw a therapist break their Therapy Face, when I was talking about the pressure I was under from my family about education and work and the inherent importance thereof and me just grinding my heels in and saying "nope, nope, nope" and my Mum holding forth for hours about the inherent Value and Nobility of labour and all this Protestant Work Ethic fucking bullshit, and I just ended up mumbling into my jumper "I don't want a fucking ~job~ I just need some fucking money" and my shrink burst out laughing and she laughed and laughed and laughed, which was very unprofessional, but it was also one of those moments where you see through all your own bullshit completely and totally in sheer stark relief. And then she said something like "Congratulations, Branwell, now you understand what it is to be a grown up".

And this is a lesson I've never forgotten, but still somehow never learned.

Anything that really has any kind of inherent enjoyment value, no one will pay you to do. Anything that you are paid to do, the mechanism of that exchange, and being *forced* to do, will strip the enjoyment from the activity.

The irony of all this being, that my Mum, when she was putting me in a pressure cooker to walk straight from a hospital ward into either university or a full time job, with no convalescence period at all, was deeply unhappy with her role as a stay at home mother. Now she works to support herself - and even working her dream job - all she does is complain about how annoying and frustrating it is, doing her dream job. I was right and she was wrong, all along.

Feeling very "shut up you blethering old woman, no one cares" today, TBH.

(This is of course, the point at which the obligatory zingers will step in to say that this is exactly right, and as it should be.)

i feel "sleep debt" unpayoffable

Sleep mortgage, more like.

i feel sleep cannot be metaphoticised into credit/debt financial model

Yes it can, we have completely amortised your physiology.

(not really, I just wanted to say that.)

zzzz

credit/debt may be a horrible metaphor, but from my understanding of current science and my personal experience sleep deficit is a thing and it doesn't go away of its own accord

BB you're saying clearly what i was sidling around, the horrible reality of paid employment in the society we live in. i end up self-identifying as lazy altho there's a million things i wd like to do because none of those things seem convertible into roof, food, the usual. amd many people have internalized that this grimness is the Order of Things, if not the Natural Order of Things, and they seem able to live with that, and good on them, but when they're used as a stick to beat those of us who really can't handle that reality, well bollocks to that.

tho the thing about "helping people" for me is not that i find that aspect of my job horrible, more that in providing a service i'm often not really or necessarily giving people something that they need, or want, or is of much use to them, so much as i'm policing and misleading and helping them to fit in to something that mayn't be of any value to them at all

[on top of craving time, and booze, which is time borrowed at payday loan interest]

I felt so sick, for two days, after a glass and a half of whisky mac, that I am not going down the "bouze" route again in a hurry. Bouze, I love you, why are you so bad to me?

Really feeling your previous two posts, and yes, understand that better - you are trying to sell something to others that you see the futility and uselessness of. Pretending "this grimness is the Order of Things" is really hitting me hard (kinda wanna do a comic on that now, but probably shan't.)

Right now I can feel my mood falling, and I accept that it's just like barometric pressure, to be accepted and dealt with. I am well enough to go to work, and Get Shit Done, and just burrow through whatever pile of databullshit they throw at me. But I am not well enough to go through the hellish, invasive, demeaning, mendacious, *supplicant* process of looking for a job. And this is why I'm not updating my CV or contacting headhunters. Because I cannot pretend it's not bullshit right now. If that makes me lazy, I'm lazy.

My thoughtworms are a broken record. Their stories are boring and stuff...

ha. there's the rub - it's bad enough you have to work, but for fuckers to insist you look like you want to and you'r really into it...that's monumental sadism

(9) While commencing any work recite; 'Al-Awwalu' many times.

(10) To gain knowledge and to know secrets of nature recite: 'Al-Aleemu' (=The All-Knowing.) 6 times after every Waajib Namaaz.

(11) To develop a forceful personality recite: 'Al-Muta'aali' (The Most Exalted) and 'Al-Adhweemu' (The Great One) Many Times.

(12) For fearlessness and boldness recite regularly a great deal: 'Al-Hafidhoo'. (The Preserver)

(13) To accomplish successfully any of your undertakings, write 'Al-Haqqu' (The Right One) on a square paper, put it in your hands, raise the hands towards the open sky and beseech your need from Allaah.

(14) To pass by unnoticed recite 'Al-Khaaliqu' (The Creator) many times.

(15) To safeguard one self from hypocrisy recite Surah-e-Munafiqoon.

(16) For sending a gift to a diseased: Surah-e- Mulk.

(17) For heart diseases, for confrontation, and for wiping out the evil of Monday recite: Surah-e-Dahr.

•Openness means the tendency to be informed, creative, insightful, curious and having a variety of experience.
•Conscientiousness means the tendency to show self-discipline, act dutifully, and aim for achievement. It means planned rather than spontaneous behavior.
•Extraversion means to have energy, positive emotions, and the tendency to be sociable.
•Agreeableness means the tendency to be compassionate, trusting and cooperative rather than suspicious and antagonistic towards others.
•Neuroticism means a tendency to experience unpleasant emotions easily, such as anger, anxiety, depression, or vulnerability.

Now I have entered into the habitation which is hidden, and I hold converse with Set. My protector advanced to me, covered was his face.... on the hidden things. He entered into the house of Osiris, he saw the hidden things which were therein. The Tchatchau Chiefs of the Pylons were in the form of Spirits. The god Anpu spake unto those about him with the words of a man who cometh from Ta-mera, saying, "He knoweth our roads and our towns. I am reconciled unto him. When I smell his odour it is even as the odour of one of you." And I say unto him: I the Osiris Ani, whose word is truth, in peace, whose word is truth, have come. I have drawn nigh to behold the Great Gods. I would live upon the propitiatory offerings [made] to their Doubles. I would live on the borders [of the territory of] the Soul, the Lord of Tetu. He shall make me to come forth in the form of a Benu bird, and to hold converse [with him.] I have been in the stream [to purify myself]. I have made offerings of incense. I betook myself to the Acacia Tree of the [divine] Children. I lived in Abu in the House of the goddess Satet. I made to sink in the water the boat of the enemies. I sailed over the lake [in the temple] in the Neshmet Boat. I have looked upon the Sahu of Kamur. I have been in Tetu. I have held my peace.

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

... inspire action.

Try to paint a vision of the future that inspires your people to do whatever it takes to get there. The best leaders also clear away the organizational roadblocks that constrain employees’ natural creativity and initiative, unleashing a tremendous amount of energy in the process.

... be optimistic.

We all want to work with and for people who lift us up into the clouds instead of dragging us down into the mud. Make sure to seek out the positives in your people, helping them overcome their own feelings of self-doubt and spreading optimism throughout your organization.

... have integrity.

Research shows that the top thing that employees want from their leaders is integrity. Be honest, fair, candid and forthright, and treat everyone in the same way that you yourself would want to be treated.

... support and facilitate your team.

For people to do their very best work, they need an organizational environment that supports them by making it safe to take risks, to tell the truth, and to speak up ... without being punished for doing so. Support your employees by creating this kind of environment, and it will facilitate their progress toward attaining your organization’s goals.

... have confidence.

Highly effective leaders know deep down inside that they and their team can accomplish anything they set their minds to. Failure is not an option. Tentative leaders make for tentative employees. If you’re confident, your people will be too.

... communicate.

In any organization, knowledge is power, and great leaders ensure that every employee, from the very top to the very bottom of the org chart, is provided with complete and up-to-date information about the organization’s goals, performance, successes and failures. To achieve this level of connection, you should also provide ample channels for two-way communication between employees and managers, actively soliciting their ideas for improvement and rewarding employees for submitting them.

... be decisive.

One of the most basic duties of any leader is to make decisions. Highly effective leaders aren’t afraid to be decisive and to make tough calls quickly when circumstances require it. Once you have all the information you need to make an informed decision, then don’t hesitate--make it. And once you make a decision, then stick with it unless there is a particularly compelling reason for you to change it.

No matter what type of organization or industry you're in, it's possible to become a more effective leader, inspiring your people to give their very best every day of the week. Make a point of practicing these 7 leadership traits, and you will be a highly effective leader too.

I really want you to do an art project of some kind now, showing counterpoint between these ~management speak~ pseudo-psych bollix and obscure and forgotten Mesopotamian gods or something.

this is my art project :D

yay tho i walk in the valley of the shadow of management theory

EXCELLENT. I love it.

NV, I saw a dead ringer for you yesterday by the lifts holding a coffee and I was sad that it couldn't possibly be you and therefore I could not strike up a conversation with you about the ridiculous 'with [university department] I can...' that currently defaces the lifts.

:)

strange the demotivational power of motivational signage

me irl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85jg7E5l73E

i went to a parents' morning today, with all the usual awkwardnesses and sadnesses that entails now, and then i made some sad sack quip about myself and then kicked myself afterwards because STOP DOING THAT even tho Nom was doing it too, and then i got the bus to work thinking about how lonely and blue and unloveable i feel, but i read a book and it wore off a little and i was just left with that comfortable, low level blue that almost feels like peace and acceptance

then i passed the chinese takeaway called Wins on Spring Bank and i thought "too long on ilx" and chuckled a bit and hey ho, life always goes on, goddammit

what a coincidence, I passed a Chinese takeaway called Hungry4Ass the other day

lol

but im p sure that was an assian place, not just chinese

it wore off a little and i was just left with that comfortable, low level blue that almost feels like peace and acceptance

This has been ebbing and flowing, ebbing and flowing over the last two weeks for me.

I have a mental picture of the staff of Wins with their long flowing locks

suddenly finding myself reading the egyptian book of the dead is why I <3 nv & this thread

this seems like the right place to announce that i am at work thinking about lunch at 9.35am

feel like there is a lot packed into that

In questionably early otoh

Alors! Noodelle!

While listening to that Shamen comp I just bought (don't judge! I know it's terrible! I love it anyway!) I had the sudden thought about the missing link between Management Psychology Speak and ancient magic, and it popped up in the form of: that terrible Terence McKenna speech about immanentising the eschaton. And you will either be really offended by this link or laugh as much as I did but I could not help but think, yeah.

I have the sudden urge to spend the rest of the weekend watching Brigitte Bardot flicks.

Oh. I am being stalked by the word "semiotics" today. OK. Now I get it.

nothing but love for the Shamen, should never be a source of shame! i know more of McKenna as a sample source than i've ever read by him but i'm all for acid casualties trying to construct grand theories, at least until they turn all business on us

Prefer Alan Watts as a grand theorist; he seems to be getting sampled a lot recently as well. HIs voice is so reasonable - no matter what he's actually saying - and I really like his sense of humour and didn't take himself too seriously (e.g he also published a book of nonsense verse), which is always a risk for a guru figure.

pre-acid:

http://www.laurenceplatt.com/wernererhard/alan1.jpg

post-acid:

http://www.prem-rawat-bio.org/gurus/img/drugs/awatts.jpg

(alcohol's in that acid punch as well though)

the Shamen <3

Saturday is a little less blue now I've written an email which should never be sent. Ugh. I would just like one area of my life not to feel like a disaster, is that too much to ask? OK, what I would like is for all areas of my life not to feel like disasters without me having to put any effort in, and that is too much to ask, I know, so why can't I put the effort in?

Yeah, OK, I totally love the Shamen, and I love them *because*, not despite of, the combination of complete silliness (with the winking trickster awareness of "we are being silly now") and faux-visionary bullshit that they might actually *mean*. (It doesn't matter if an artist "means it" or not, it matters if it's a good or fun or compelling or enjoyable illusion, really, right?) But it's hard not to listen to a lot of that stuff now without an awareness that no matter how well intentioned their "it doesn't matter if you're black, white, purple" stuff was, it's still kinda uncomfortable to listen to now.

The Terence McKenna thing is like... (sorry, I'm completely manic at the moment, so I'm having trouble following mine own trains of thought right now, weightless, semiotics...)

I think where I was going with that was just listening to those wonderful samples on that track, and I'm pretty sure that's him on a Chapterhouse track from a similar era (I have a lot of trouble telling apart Terence McKenna, Timothy Leary, Alan Watts, Robert Anton Wilson when they're sampled on records). And the story that he is spinning is *wonderful*, it's really entertaining, about how "history is just shockwaves of the eschaton, being emitted from an entity in hyperspace, which shamen have access to the true forms of..." You know, what a fun yarn. Like, he's building on some very interesting mysticism and spinning it out into pure bullshit. And that's fun, but it's also, you know, intellectually garbage.

But thinking about the similar relationship between people like CG Jung... OK, Jung was a real ~mystic~, a visionary, someone who sifted through all the crazy shifting chaos of human thinking and culture and tried (with more or less success) to pull out some patterns. Then you get these other mystics who sift through the crazy shifting chaos of human psychology and pull out *good yarns*. (And in the "good yarns" there are some real lessons, like e.g. the idea of "reality tunnels".) This is all good!

But then when it comes to, like, Management Theory and applying these principles that come out of visionary mysticism (which is where "self actualisation" comes from) to Working In The Corporate Structure. That's not spinning fun yarns, that's pure garbage. But the reason they read so similarly is because they come from the same source. It's just absurd when one is pointed at "be a better human and live a more whole life within a functioning community" and the other is "make loads of money and drive your competitors into the ground using ~human psychology~" because the latter is so completely pointed in the opposite direction from the former, but painted up as if using the same language and symbols, and...

Nope, sorry, my cognitive function has gone again, and I'm a step off barneywaves. I am struggling to express something and lacking the words right now. Sorry!

"Got any salmon?" "SORTED!"

I wish I could turn my thoughts off. I have too many of them. I wish I could hire out my spare thoughts, like computer servers hire out their spare processing capacity when not in use. Like, lend all these thoughts to Spacecadet, because they are really good at *effort* but they are just taking up room in my head, with nothing to act on.

i always mean to read more Watts, he seems closer to genuinely trying to find a way of being, informed by the historical practices around Zen, rather than just "OOOOH MANNNN THIS IS STRONG SHIT" vibe you get off some of his fellow travellers

the connections between Jungian psychology and management theory are all over the place, and you're right Branwell, it's about near-identical techniques being used for good vs evil, but one thing i've felt over the last few weeks of reading/browsing is that whereas Jungians (including Jung) have always been aware that they are story-telling, reanimating myths and constructing metaphors to create perspectives on the cosmos, management speak generally tries to disguise itself as science, with an according shift in language - this is how the world works, and you can use these secrets to manipulate it

it's the age old story of people who treat the Holy Grail as a spiritual journey vs people who think it's a lump of magic gold, basically

and hi spacecadet i reckon having completed one unpleasant task ought to be an excuse to indulge yrself for the rest of the month day anyway

Yes, yes, this is exactly it, and this is the same thing that I was getting out of that big book of Alchemy that I read last year.

The idea of the Holy Grail as a spiritual journey, a quest in which the journey (and the things on which you learn while on it) is the destination, and the Grail is knowledge of yourself and your connection to the world around you.

Versus the idea of a lump of magic gold to be attained by applying the right methods - with the corresponding bizarre belief that a lump of gold will somehow make you happy?

Neither ~mystic spirituality~ nor ~science~ are bad things in and of themselves and both have their places, but ~mystic spirituality~ dressed up as ~science~ is the absolute worst and most dangerous thing in the entire world. That is where the evil lies. (Is this the meaning of "weightless semiotics"?)

i can't answer that last bit, i feel like weightless semiotics wd be the kind of hall of mirrors of signification that we were talking about re: Baudrillard and images on the Image Band thread. whereas weighted semiotics wd imply a hierarchical dualism where the signs point at real things which are by their nature more important than the signs.

whereas really, things are also signs and the hall of mirrors isn't an illusion as such, because the mirrors are real and the reflections are real and your reflections on the reflections are real and it wd be presumptuous to assign a preference for one over the other because they all exist in some perceptual sense, and are part of the field of your experience

reduce everything to PROCESS RULES PRODUCT DROOLS tbh

mysticism always seems best at trickster/disruptive to me, or aware of its own contingency or limits - i feel like it's prone to being (o god deep breath for this one) instrumentalised (by management, marketing etc) because of its loose connection to general conditions of community life now, or praxis, or similar + maybe its ethical ends are less implicit, or more disconnectable than we'd hope.

that disconnectability is probably an important distinction between mysticism and religion tho - the former isn't telling you how you ought to live, it's offering (possibly fictitious) maps of (possibly fictitious) places to visit

it feels more of a leap to transform "thou shalt not steal" into business speak than it does to use the Tao te ching