Blue Saturday

actually if had a passivity/aggression axis and an intro/extroversion axis that wd do the job nicely whilst allowing for homicidal impulses too

bad weekend, bad dreams, bad mood

had unfortunate dreams last night but i don't think they account for the fug in my head today

have been/am trying hard to be mindful, but it's always poised on a knife-edge for me - non-mindful options are so much nicer, in many superficial ways

No bad dreams here, because I haven't really slept in several days. I'm not mindful so much as hyper-aware. I am relating everything to Interpol. I am Interpol, you are Interpol, we are all Interpol, everything is Interpol, my heartrate adjusts itself automatically to the tempo of every song. I no longer have thoughts that aren't Interpol related. I am beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea for my mental health. Except I don't feel unhappy or depressed at all, in point of fact, I feel great? I'm not worried about what I'm feeling right now, but what I'll feel like in 2 days when the experiment is over?

tbh lack of sleep doesn't do wonders for my stability no matter how giddy the highs feel but we're all adults here

...because insomnia is just another ~lifestyle choice~?

I know I'm not sleeping because I haven't been exercising properly. I haven't been exercising properly because I somehow fucked my foot up so bad I was walking with a cane for two weeks. Swings and roundabouts.

sorry i shouldn't've meant you were choosing not to sleep. i guess when i've had bad sleep patterns it's felt like a deliberate avoidance - cos of fear of death, usually - on my part. forgot there were other versions. also i think apnoea distort my bedtime/quality sleep time ratio.

my heartrate adjusts itself automatically to the tempo of every song

anti-aerobics

Sorry, NV, didn't intend it if that came off as fractious (any more than my normal spikiness, in this state of mind) - I knew you weren't being callous. I could *choose* to end the 22Listens experiment at any time but OCD thoughtworms would just choose something else to attach to if it weren't Interpol, and Interpol is pretty harmless in the grand scheme of things. (If at any point I start talking about how Bernard Sumner controls my thoughts, again, tell me to go to the ER, though, OK?)

I would really prefer to be sleeping properly. Last night I tried to knock myself out with a massive lashing of codeine cough syrup, but can't rely on that for obv reasons - and it didn't even work.

Anyway, bad sleep, bad dreams, yeah, I hear all this.

sleep, brain...it's all v. chicken and egg. if i didn't have to do work in prescribed hours i reckon my pattern wd settle of its own accord. and like i said i rarely experience that "jesus my head will NOT go to sleep" but i think that's often cos of being in deficit.

even sad dreams i could accommodate into a "able to wander around all day being wistful and mulling it over" lifestyle. the problem comes back down to the reality of being this efficient machine for 7.5 hours a day.

So if I actually managed to get, like, 7 whole hours of uninterrupted sleep last night, why do I feel so burnt today?

7 hours is about yr daily requirement, if you've had lots of less than 7s in the days before that then you're still way overdrawn at the Bank of Morpheus as i understand it. plus the sleep you have had probably neutralizes that dreamy high of long-term wakefulness

meanwhile i've been sleeping and behaving and i'm still totally unable to get my head in the game

i wanna spend the day reading New Left peeps and not whatever it is i'm supposed to do here when i'm not actually helping people

oh man and i can't even begin to untangle "helping"

it's pretty weird actually, don't seem to be able to convincingly explain to boss that my head is swooshing about like one of those blue tide box toy things

OK, yeah, I guess I've had between 2 and 5 for the past week or two so I've still got one hell of a sleep debt to pay off. I'm due to enter ~depressive phase~ later this week so perhaps I'll sleep for 3 or 4 days straight when I hit it, that'd be nice.

"Helping" - what does it even mean when your job is helping people? Because of the corrosive effect of Paid Labour, and yet "helping people" is supposed to be an inherently emotionally rewarding thing to do, what does it do when even your desire to "help people" gets ground down by being associated with all the negativity of... (I don't even have a word for what it is so I'll just say ugliness of the capitalist model, though the moment you say "capitalist" it brings in a raft of associations I don't even intend. Just the way that "making something your dayjob" makes it somehow inherently shitty and unenjoyable.)

I still haven't updated my CV. I still haven't even contacted any headhunters. It is not like I have anything else pressing and urgent to do. I am mucking about on ILX and obsessively doing the dishes and writing fan fiction. The only reason I can come up with for why I haven't started "Looking For A Job" is: "Because I Don't Have To."

Like, what is so fucking inherently ~amazing~ about jobs that I am supposed to get up and go look for one?

I have been having this argument with therapists since I was 16 years old (the first time I ever saw a therapist break their Therapy Face, when I was talking about the pressure I was under from my family about education and work and the inherent importance thereof and me just grinding my heels in and saying "nope, nope, nope" and my Mum holding forth for hours about the inherent Value and Nobility of labour and all this Protestant Work Ethic fucking bullshit, and I just ended up mumbling into my jumper "I don't want a fucking ~job~ I just need some fucking money" and my shrink burst out laughing and she laughed and laughed and laughed, which was very unprofessional, but it was also one of those moments where you see through all your own bullshit completely and totally in sheer stark relief. And then she said something like "Congratulations, Branwell, now you understand what it is to be a grown up".

And this is a lesson I've never forgotten, but still somehow never learned.

Anything that really has any kind of inherent enjoyment value, no one will pay you to do. Anything that you are paid to do, the mechanism of that exchange, and being *forced* to do, will strip the enjoyment from the activity.

The irony of all this being, that my Mum, when she was putting me in a pressure cooker to walk straight from a hospital ward into either university or a full time job, with no convalescence period at all, was deeply unhappy with her role as a stay at home mother. Now she works to support herself - and even working her dream job - all she does is complain about how annoying and frustrating it is, doing her dream job. I was right and she was wrong, all along.

Feeling very "shut up you blethering old woman, no one cares" today, TBH.

(This is of course, the point at which the obligatory zingers will step in to say that this is exactly right, and as it should be.)

i feel "sleep debt" unpayoffable

Sleep mortgage, more like.

i feel sleep cannot be metaphoticised into credit/debt financial model

Yes it can, we have completely amortised your physiology.

(not really, I just wanted to say that.)

zzzz

credit/debt may be a horrible metaphor, but from my understanding of current science and my personal experience sleep deficit is a thing and it doesn't go away of its own accord

BB you're saying clearly what i was sidling around, the horrible reality of paid employment in the society we live in. i end up self-identifying as lazy altho there's a million things i wd like to do because none of those things seem convertible into roof, food, the usual. amd many people have internalized that this grimness is the Order of Things, if not the Natural Order of Things, and they seem able to live with that, and good on them, but when they're used as a stick to beat those of us who really can't handle that reality, well bollocks to that.

tho the thing about "helping people" for me is not that i find that aspect of my job horrible, more that in providing a service i'm often not really or necessarily giving people something that they need, or want, or is of much use to them, so much as i'm policing and misleading and helping them to fit in to something that mayn't be of any value to them at all

[on top of craving time, and booze, which is time borrowed at payday loan interest]

I felt so sick, for two days, after a glass and a half of whisky mac, that I am not going down the "bouze" route again in a hurry. Bouze, I love you, why are you so bad to me?

Really feeling your previous two posts, and yes, understand that better - you are trying to sell something to others that you see the futility and uselessness of. Pretending "this grimness is the Order of Things" is really hitting me hard (kinda wanna do a comic on that now, but probably shan't.)

Right now I can feel my mood falling, and I accept that it's just like barometric pressure, to be accepted and dealt with. I am well enough to go to work, and Get Shit Done, and just burrow through whatever pile of databullshit they throw at me. But I am not well enough to go through the hellish, invasive, demeaning, mendacious, *supplicant* process of looking for a job. And this is why I'm not updating my CV or contacting headhunters. Because I cannot pretend it's not bullshit right now. If that makes me lazy, I'm lazy.

My thoughtworms are a broken record. Their stories are boring and stuff...

ha. there's the rub - it's bad enough you have to work, but for fuckers to insist you look like you want to and you'r really into it...that's monumental sadism

(9) While commencing any work recite; 'Al-Awwalu' many times.

(10) To gain knowledge and to know secrets of nature recite: 'Al-Aleemu' (=The All-Knowing.) 6 times after every Waajib Namaaz.

(11) To develop a forceful personality recite: 'Al-Muta'aali' (The Most Exalted) and 'Al-Adhweemu' (The Great One) Many Times.

(12) For fearlessness and boldness recite regularly a great deal: 'Al-Hafidhoo'. (The Preserver)

(13) To accomplish successfully any of your undertakings, write 'Al-Haqqu' (The Right One) on a square paper, put it in your hands, raise the hands towards the open sky and beseech your need from Allaah.

(14) To pass by unnoticed recite 'Al-Khaaliqu' (The Creator) many times.

(15) To safeguard one self from hypocrisy recite Surah-e-Munafiqoon.

(16) For sending a gift to a diseased: Surah-e- Mulk.

(17) For heart diseases, for confrontation, and for wiping out the evil of Monday recite: Surah-e-Dahr.

•Openness means the tendency to be informed, creative, insightful, curious and having a variety of experience.
•Conscientiousness means the tendency to show self-discipline, act dutifully, and aim for achievement. It means planned rather than spontaneous behavior.
•Extraversion means to have energy, positive emotions, and the tendency to be sociable.
•Agreeableness means the tendency to be compassionate, trusting and cooperative rather than suspicious and antagonistic towards others.
•Neuroticism means a tendency to experience unpleasant emotions easily, such as anger, anxiety, depression, or vulnerability.

Now I have entered into the habitation which is hidden, and I hold converse with Set. My protector advanced to me, covered was his face.... on the hidden things. He entered into the house of Osiris, he saw the hidden things which were therein. The Tchatchau Chiefs of the Pylons were in the form of Spirits. The god Anpu spake unto those about him with the words of a man who cometh from Ta-mera, saying, "He knoweth our roads and our towns. I am reconciled unto him. When I smell his odour it is even as the odour of one of you." And I say unto him: I the Osiris Ani, whose word is truth, in peace, whose word is truth, have come. I have drawn nigh to behold the Great Gods. I would live upon the propitiatory offerings [made] to their Doubles. I would live on the borders [of the territory of] the Soul, the Lord of Tetu. He shall make me to come forth in the form of a Benu bird, and to hold converse [with him.] I have been in the stream [to purify myself]. I have made offerings of incense. I betook myself to the Acacia Tree of the [divine] Children. I lived in Abu in the House of the goddess Satet. I made to sink in the water the boat of the enemies. I sailed over the lake [in the temple] in the Neshmet Boat. I have looked upon the Sahu of Kamur. I have been in Tetu. I have held my peace.

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

... inspire action.

Try to paint a vision of the future that inspires your people to do whatever it takes to get there. The best leaders also clear away the organizational roadblocks that constrain employees’ natural creativity and initiative, unleashing a tremendous amount of energy in the process.

... be optimistic.

We all want to work with and for people who lift us up into the clouds instead of dragging us down into the mud. Make sure to seek out the positives in your people, helping them overcome their own feelings of self-doubt and spreading optimism throughout your organization.

... have integrity.

Research shows that the top thing that employees want from their leaders is integrity. Be honest, fair, candid and forthright, and treat everyone in the same way that you yourself would want to be treated.

... support and facilitate your team.

For people to do their very best work, they need an organizational environment that supports them by making it safe to take risks, to tell the truth, and to speak up ... without being punished for doing so. Support your employees by creating this kind of environment, and it will facilitate their progress toward attaining your organization’s goals.

... have confidence.

Highly effective leaders know deep down inside that they and their team can accomplish anything they set their minds to. Failure is not an option. Tentative leaders make for tentative employees. If you’re confident, your people will be too.

... communicate.

In any organization, knowledge is power, and great leaders ensure that every employee, from the very top to the very bottom of the org chart, is provided with complete and up-to-date information about the organization’s goals, performance, successes and failures. To achieve this level of connection, you should also provide ample channels for two-way communication between employees and managers, actively soliciting their ideas for improvement and rewarding employees for submitting them.

... be decisive.

One of the most basic duties of any leader is to make decisions. Highly effective leaders aren’t afraid to be decisive and to make tough calls quickly when circumstances require it. Once you have all the information you need to make an informed decision, then don’t hesitate--make it. And once you make a decision, then stick with it unless there is a particularly compelling reason for you to change it.

No matter what type of organization or industry you're in, it's possible to become a more effective leader, inspiring your people to give their very best every day of the week. Make a point of practicing these 7 leadership traits, and you will be a highly effective leader too.

I really want you to do an art project of some kind now, showing counterpoint between these ~management speak~ pseudo-psych bollix and obscure and forgotten Mesopotamian gods or something.

this is my art project :D

yay tho i walk in the valley of the shadow of management theory

EXCELLENT. I love it.

NV, I saw a dead ringer for you yesterday by the lifts holding a coffee and I was sad that it couldn't possibly be you and therefore I could not strike up a conversation with you about the ridiculous 'with [university department] I can...' that currently defaces the lifts.

:)

strange the demotivational power of motivational signage

me irl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85jg7E5l73E

i went to a parents' morning today, with all the usual awkwardnesses and sadnesses that entails now, and then i made some sad sack quip about myself and then kicked myself afterwards because STOP DOING THAT even tho Nom was doing it too, and then i got the bus to work thinking about how lonely and blue and unloveable i feel, but i read a book and it wore off a little and i was just left with that comfortable, low level blue that almost feels like peace and acceptance

then i passed the chinese takeaway called Wins on Spring Bank and i thought "too long on ilx" and chuckled a bit and hey ho, life always goes on, goddammit

what a coincidence, I passed a Chinese takeaway called Hungry4Ass the other day

lol

but im p sure that was an assian place, not just chinese

it wore off a little and i was just left with that comfortable, low level blue that almost feels like peace and acceptance

This has been ebbing and flowing, ebbing and flowing over the last two weeks for me.

I have a mental picture of the staff of Wins with their long flowing locks

suddenly finding myself reading the egyptian book of the dead is why I <3 nv & this thread

this seems like the right place to announce that i am at work thinking about lunch at 9.35am

feel like there is a lot packed into that

In questionably early otoh

Alors! Noodelle!

While listening to that Shamen comp I just bought (don't judge! I know it's terrible! I love it anyway!) I had the sudden thought about the missing link between Management Psychology Speak and ancient magic, and it popped up in the form of: that terrible Terence McKenna speech about immanentising the eschaton. And you will either be really offended by this link or laugh as much as I did but I could not help but think, yeah.

I have the sudden urge to spend the rest of the weekend watching Brigitte Bardot flicks.