suicide

'clearly need help' = would benefit from talking to someone. it came out wrong :)

ha, yeah, I know what you mean.

I've always been an insomniac, so this time of night when everyone is asleep is especially bad. I like coming on ILX to talk about music at times like this. I think it helps a little.

Would it be worth ringing someone like Samaritans or Befrienders, so you can talk it through a person without the worry that their emotional resources are already taxed?

talk it through *with a person, obv

you're using all your energy 'staying strong' and just that alone can seriously, seriously deplete your own resources for self-preservation. you're carrying around all kinds of stuff with you that you don't. need. to. carry. talking to a person about how crazy all this feels is akin to taking off a few pounds or 10 of baggage. hi and welcome to emotional hoarding, let us help you put all this stuff away :)

I did that a couple of years ago when my problems first started. It wasn't very cathartic, even though the people were very nice, plus I don't want to wake people up in the house.

xxpost.

aha, thanks. i like that analogy. keep picking the stuff up somewhere.

it's bad when i'm even wishing i'd rather be bieber than myself.

That's it, we're staging an intervention :)

Seriously though, dude, you can make light of it and talk through it. That's more than half the battle, I reckon.

ha, thanks, I might just do that.

the problem, and the big one aside from general chronic pain, is this weird psoriasis-like condition in my mouth, which spreads during stress, but then stays there regardless of subsequent relaxation, even for long periods of time. doctors haven't been able to place what it is, but it dries my mouth out and leaves it very sore. recently, it's been snaking its way down into my throat and that is seriously setting off my panic alarms, even as I need to rein it in to keep it from doing that. makes it hard to talk or eat without coughing, getting gummed up, the works.

this is why i am a very un-fucking-happy camper.

we belieb in u

it sounds stupid, but it hurts a lot, but people are like "oh, you're not gonna die from it!" fucking wish i would sometimes. a lot of the time actually.

Xpost: lol

I too have chronic constant pain, but I've honestly just learned to deal with it and pretend it isn't there and convince myself it's just a thing I have to deal with now like greying hair and increasing short-sightedness, except for when my leg seizes up completely and I can't actually walk any more (this happened to me this afternoon, my leg buckled out from under me when I was standing still, and I fell sideways and nearly started a domino-style comedy collapse of an entire row of people). Um, I don't really have a point other than that I, er, feel your pain.

quite literally it would seem!

yeah, the pain is not really an issue with me, I've learned to tough that out. It's the other thing which is the problem, but I hope that this next doctor visit will convince him to give me something that'll ease it.

My big problem really is that I see catastrophe around every corner. Most other people seem so chilled out, including my dad, but I am a big sad bag of neuroses and fear.

When I called my dad to tell him I'd been hospitalized, he said "that's another thing you must've got from your mother. I've never been depressed a day in my life." I had to lol

I think realising that other people are also big sad bags of neuroses and fear is kind of reassuring. Some of the smartest and cleverest and funniest and loveliest and downright great people I know are a total fucking mental mess. And they're still the smartest and cleverest and funniest and loveliest people I know. Somehow we all keep hanging in there. The fact you're on here, and not away plotting your own downfall is great. Keep doing that.

Isn't it mildly reassuring when the anticipated catastrophe fails to materialise? Take each one of those non-catastrophes as a win, makes the net loss of an actual catastrophe/mild blip a lot smaller in the grand scheme of stuff. Like, I go "nice coffee, didn't burn the toast, found an episode of Frasier on Comedy Central that I'm not completely word perfect on yet, I'm not a Man Utd fan" and then the odd "waah I am a giant fucking housebound loser" is like "well yeah, but, you can make nice coffees and watch telly all day and you can read the irritating co-workers thread and thank the deity of your choosing that you don't have to deal with THAT shit every day, and at least you don't support Man Utd", and then you regain a bit of perspective and you carry on until it happens again.

xpost, yeah, and don't speak to people who tell you shit like that. It's taken me AGES to convince my mum that my mental health issues are not her fault, like I feel bad enough in myself and now I have to feel like I've made you feel inadequate as a parent

(note: I'm kind of shit at following this advice, but I do try)

i hope you told him his genes were weak tea xp

u can be bieber. print off a bieber mask and record a track while wearing it

@ AM, I find it difficult for "you're so funny and insightful and self-aware and kind and conscientious!" to register, it's like my brain runs away from validation, or is allergic to it? Whereas every neg thing anybody's ever said at me clings like wet semen. It does always help me to be reminded though that this is your brain that is sick, not you, study your brain patterns but regard the resultant feelings as transient, changeable.

lol mookie, alisa otm

alternatively, yeah, bask in the reflected mindwreckage of your fellow ilxors >:D

oh now there's an image

krulls, i do too, people always say that to me and i reply, "well so what? it's not even true. even if so, fat lot of good it's done me." I used to have everything negative cling to me, but (un)fortunately, that's been replaced with near psychotic obsession with my various health issues.

lol at imago.

clings like wet semen

This simile can't go uncommented on. And yet, I have nothing to say.

I am appalling at taking compliments. Thankfully, I rarely receive them.

alisa, you make good, very eloquent points. unfortunately, in me, you have come across someone whose sole catastrophe keeps happening to him, and there seems to be nothing anyone can do. as far as i know at least.

what catastrophe is that?

"the problem, and the big one aside from general chronic pain, is this weird psoriasis-like condition in my mouth, which spreads during stress, but then stays there regardless of subsequent relaxation, even for long periods of time. doctors haven't been able to place what it is, but it dries my mouth out and leaves it very sore. recently, it's been snaking its way down into my throat and that is seriously setting off my panic alarms, even as I need to rein it in to keep it from doing that. makes it hard to talk or eat without coughing, getting gummed up, the works."

if it was just a come-and-go-with-stress deal, then i'd be cool with it, but it sticks around, makes it hard to sleep, breathe, eat without coughing or getting gummed up with mucus. super weird and docs don't know what it is.

sounds wimpy, i know, but it hurts and bums me out and i whine about it a lot.

AM: I have a different but similar chronic affliction. My doctor told me this is directly linked to facial trauma, the nervous system is closely linked with the brain stem, and that it is not unusual for people going through face and head stuff-- cold sores, rosasia, even black eyes-- to experience The Worst Thoughts And Feelings on the road to their recovery

Also my therapist told me that when you're depressed, it's good to surprise your brain with unusual patterns of activity such as the creation of new and evocative similes

that's really kinda crazy/interesting -- the connection between face/head stuff & depression

Not so good for the rest of us, tbh :-(

AM, that must be so frustrating. I have no diagnosis for my leg issues, I've been xrayed and pulled and poked and prodded every which way until Christmas, and still no idea. I've decided it's fibromyalgia, but my doctor doesn't believe in its existence. He does prescribe me lots and lots of lovely drugs though, but it's super-frustrating to not be able to do stuff I used to be able to do like go dancing or stand up at a gig or swim or play badminton or sleep through the night without being woken up feeling like the circulation in your leg is made entire of a flow of lava and razorblades, all of which I did regularly and none of which i can do at all now.

The first bit was an xpost to flamboyant goon tie

hey Arctic I wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts and I really wanted to reply to your chronic pain thread but ended up not having much to add. my friend that I mentioned came over for dinner a week or so ago. she was in a car crash 15 years ago when she was 22 and has lived with constant undiagnosable pain ever since. like you, she pretty much seems to just tough it out. she has a medical weed card - don't know if that would help you. I thought she had a website but she was just selling t-shirts through a vendor to raise money.

I do have some possible ideas about the psoriasis - one thing that can really aggravate these things is mono and diglycerides, found in many dairy products. check out yr ingredient lists. this is how my brother-in-law finally got his eczema under control. another idea is oil supplements... hemp oil can be really good for these kinds of things and has helped me in the past. hope this helps.

Thanks sleeve. I don't think the MMJ card idea would work, as a) I don't live in the United States and b) that drug makes me extremely anxious, which would exacerbate my psoriatic condition (it seems to spread solely through bouts of panic/stress).

I'll look into that kind of thing, if I can motivate myself. I've been pretty down on the idea of treatments because I've been let down that many times; you just start to wonder what the point of it all is, because you're a bad, unlucky person. That's something I need to overcome somehow, but I'm deeply afraid.

best wishes Arctic, you're in my thoughts too - good vibes to you and I hope you can find a way past this pain, physical and mental

also I can't find the posts now but your GP does not sound super-helpful regarding your chronic pain, is there a way you can see another one? even just a different one at the same practice might have a different approach and then it doesn't have to be a big deal

thanks spacecadet, that's much appreciated. I'm off to see a different doctor in the same surgery on Friday, so hopefully that will yield answers. More than anything atm though, I want to resolve this mouth and throat problem which is causing me more misery (feels like the skin is peeling off at the bottom, makes it very hard to sleep).

Reading online stuff about people who have that same issue for years and nothing works is doing. my. head. in. I know it doesn't necessarily mean that I'll have it forever, but I'm not feeling v. positive about medicine or my luck thanks to the past couple of years.

thanks everyone for your best wishes, they mean a lot.

I have tried to start meditating again in a bid to reduce the overwhelming shit tearing through my mind, so we'll see where that takes me.

Hi there, AM. Although I have nothing to offer re: therapy advice, might I suggest taking zinc and magnesium supplements for your skin and mouth problems? Have found this to be very helpful for my own stress zits and mouth ulcers (as is any food with omega-3, so if you got your hands on some smoked mackerel or salmon, that could also help).

Thanks suzy, I'll try that, it can only help.

so fuckin annoying that it is impossible to get nembutal anywhere. why can people not be allowed to die in peace?

because one of the main drives of humanity is to keep everyone else suffering

some days my dog and my family are the only thing that keep me going

now that i've typed it out though i imagine a lot of people would say the same

NGGGGGGGG WHY AM I STILL FUCKING ALIVE?

hey, idk who you are but if you want to talk to someone and don't have anyone -- something that would happen to me when i was depressed -- feel free to PM me. i'm just chilling tonight.

lemme know if you do that on this thread though bc i usually don't check that email address. best of luck to you. if you think what you're dealing with is more serious than just needing to vent please contact a professional.

and if you hate me PM another friend or ilxor. one on one ilxors are a caring bunch.

life can be some bullshit sometimes, that's for sure

one on one ilxors are a caring bunch.

this is totally true ime

"User does not exist in the database" ?

: (

if any of you on here are close with and have a phone number or contact info about Emily please get in touch with her, her recent Facebook posts are very worrying and I am hoping that someone can reach out and shed light

Emily if you are reading this please stay with us and don't harm yourself further