Blue Saturday

i want to say so many things but they all sound corny

but I don't think that you would be you if you were already over it and moved on. y'know. you can only do as much as you will allow yourself to, and I think it's slow going because you need it that way, maybe you're not ready to let go completely yet. it's not wrong to feel that way. it fucks things up royally sure, but as long as you keep trying, even when you slip, eventually you'll find some peace.

<3

I want to too! Mostly though I would like to give Jim a very big hug.

Read earlier and didnt think anything to say would help, but yknow. luck.

if i'd've cared half this much towards the end then maybe the end would never have happened.

terrible & destructive thought & i urge you slay it with the knowledge that you cared as much as you did for good reasons

otm

Sr vague do you like it when ppl tell you keep your pecker up

Cause I do, it is my favourite iteration of such advice. Pecker. Excellent.

Has your pecker ever been photographed?

^^^originator of 'because of the wang'

wait wait

keep your pecker up is a saying?

lol

my dad calls people peckerheads

Dander, always dander.

Chin was ok til mine disappeared and i started to avoid refs as a general rule

No it's a crap thing to say unless you say pecker because who doesn't like pecker

the letting go i'm not so good at yet. 2 fucking years, that's not good, i shd've made a start by now.

If important thoughts/growth/being time/things have happened for you over those 2 years, then that was a necessary use of the time.

here's to a less blue new year

the ex wanted to "talk" last night and i encouraged him because he seemed wistful and i suppose i was vainly (in all senses) fishing for compliments or apologies, except it turned into a long list of the mistakes i made and the signs i missed. or ~ cbt mode on ~ maybe that is just my interpretation.

now he is out all day for his new lady's birthday and i am left here being uselessly regretful on a grey rainy day when all the shops are shut and there's nowhere to go and why do i do this

just venting, sorry to do it here

don't be daft, here is the place

New Year's Day is like an extra Sunday slapped down in the middle of the week

gonna adopt a Muppet-based counselling system for 2014

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yaP_kc3y9w

Jesus christ what an ass

Death on the Nile (1978) has made me more sure than ever that the world is a dangerous place populated by lunatic stereotypes. But i am admittedly delicate frame of mind jist nae

Jesus christ tho what an ass

Now for a nightmare world of church, fascist and societal oppression, set to music. Ach my head.

xxp right, and whereas most Sundays you only need to ruminate on one past week and dread one future week at a time, for this bonus Sunday you get to do it for entire years or lifetimes at a time

to state the obvious, fuck that noise

un-xxp Muppets otm, good luck darragh

xp

wasnae sure if that was about The Sound of Music or Ireland for a second there

ah sweet, the Herzog verzh of Bad Lieutenant's on tonight

Well i think my background in one feeds my trepidation twards t'other

APS in all seriousness all the best but cbt bedamned that is intolerable behaviour imo and i dont care what else

xp watched that three times this year with unsuspecting compadres, reaction mixed but who cares rite

tbh in case i sounded saintly and put-upon i was trying a little to get the knife in back, but obv it didn't really work because who's the one who made the decision and who's the one who has other options now? right right

haven't seen BL, not sure i'm in quite the place today buuut

today seems apt, i am gonna nurture my inner Bad Lieutenant in 2014

also hell, it's not like fault mostly ever lies just one way, but rubbish behaviour is still rubbish behaviour

oh it's on after my bedtime, not that that really means anything in this day and age. some other time

further to today as Sunday-of-the-year, ought to be doing the work I didn't do last year because I was in Friday-of-the-year mode, "eh I can catch up on all this over the break and come back fresh" (hah)

on the other hand I have about 6000 unplayed games after the Steam winter sale, which might be a more expansive head-filler, more able to block up all the cracks that unwanted thoughts creep through

Jesus christ tho what an ass

Exams start on 6th btw but ive projects due too

I'd forgotten what a sadistic trick the post-Christmas exam is

darragh I have been enjoying the pictures on this property ad from your fine isle, a couple of them seem to indicate a slightly unusual living arrangement: http://www.daft.ie/searchsale.daft?id=447453

HNY in orbit

Argh, sorry to hear that, Spacecadet. In my experience, "talking after the fact" really isn't helpful for understanding what went wrong, and should be avoided on any level except "here are your things, pls can have my things" until possibly a year after the breakup. At least. There's that whole "but I neeeeeed clooooosure thing!!!!" which never really is, and is often only a chance to re-open stuff that was starting to heal.

However, I just kinda have to say... um, mileage may vary, but isn't "new ladyfriend" etc kind of stuff that really should wait until *after* you have definitely completely stopped living together? I mean, it sucks when you get stuck living together months after the breakup, but really. I don't know who initiated the breakup, but in my world, bringing a third party into that kind of awful situation is bad news all round, and reflects really badly on the person bringing a third person into an already awful situation. Sorry, just my 2p. I don't know your situation, but I would not be OK with that.

Not feeling very celebratory myself at the mo for various reasons, but yeah. My life is a month of Sundays right now, so what's one more.

At least there's coffee.

Take care BB. I know you're right, as i.o. was right several months ago too, and I am a terrible one for not doing the things I ought to. I tend to get carried away with useful thoughts of positive steps and build up an impossible fantasy of how I'll suddenly start doing all these amazing things and also, oh, effectively become someone else entirely, and then I file it all away in the "so not gonna happen" part of my brain, and go back to doing everything exactly like before.

I wished I could've sent you the sea I was reluctantly staying near over Christmas. Only Dorset but I saw a (small) sea arch (from a great distance) and thought of you.

At least there are reduced-to-clear Polish cherry jaffa cakes.

I don't want you to be someone else entirely, would miss the current you tbh. Your living sitch is basically a cancer tho. Get shut of him.

cherry jaffa cakes is a pretty decent consolation.

also what BB and io said re: washing that man right out of yr hair

In best Auntie Orbit style, pls consider that I have stroked your hair and called you "sweetie" and given you a speech about how things get warped from living w unhappiness and that lots of the perceptions that come from those times aren't the kind of "real" you want to hold onto. I am of course totally unqualified to dispense lyfe advice but that's never stopped me before so onward 2014.

(Dorset/hair-washing threads converge in sudden need to hear "Sheela-Na-Gig" by PJ Harvey, loud, on repeat)

A sea arch! Awesomeness! I'm so jealous.

Echoing what IO said: I don't want you to become a new person! How disorienting would that be! I want you to stay your own thoughtful self. But "your own thoughtful self in a non poisonous situation" would be a far preferable option. It's tough to get up the courage to do this huge revamp-your-life type decision. It seems like an almost impossible set of individual impossible things that together are in-the-realm-of-fantasy to overcome them. But, y'know, changing one little thing at a time is in the realm of scary-but-not-total-fantasy. And from experience, I know that once you have surmounted the seemingly insurmountable things, it's so much better on the other side, that you will say to yourself "why the hell didn't I do that thing months/years ago, it looks so easy from this side!" But, you do things when you are ready to do them, and not before.

(Says a woman who spent 4 fucking months getting up the courage to ring the boiler engineers, during the worst winter of 100 years or whatever, because: crippling social anxiety. So who am I to talk about not living in impossible situations that are making things worse? But really, things got so much better after I rang the boiler people and they sent someone, that I could not believe it had taken me so long and so much pain (literal pain, of freezing showers in February!) to do it. Except, yeah, I can still see the whole reasoning of why I couldn't. And though I can laugh at it now, the actual crazy-logic, wow, winter is still cold and my flat still has damp, but it is so much better with a boiler!)

But yeah. Sea arches. I am also being jealous of cherry jaffa cakes but then I just remembered that I have ginger biscuits. Oh yeah. Chocolate covered stem gingers.

Are those Sainsburys Taste the Difference, because they are the best

Sainsburys Taste the Difference all butter Belgian Dark Chocolate Coated Stem Ginger Cookies, oh yes! The actual gold standard of chocolate covered ginger biscuits.

Huh, I'm the only person in my department in work (there was supposed to be one other person today but they're off sick; my boss is working, but from home). Head so full of useless thoughts and no distractions. Well, y'know, except the vague obligation of looking at some work tasks I don't really feel capable of understanding.

Good practice for how it'll be at home if I get him to leave, I suppose. There is contemplatively wistful techno on headphones for either situation.

Nobody round here either ive just nipped into an empty office for a nap cye in forty odd

IIRC, this time of year is good for all those tasks that are too boring to do at any other point. Alphabetising the clutter of manuals that hang round the office filling up bookshelves. Re-indexing tables. Updating schematics and the outdated instruction manuals/documentation that no one ever reads but they give the new people when they arrive.

Feeling quite astonished because I actually seem to have defused resolved a potentially rather nasty situation with new neighbours in a completely friendly and super-positive way. I'm not sure when I acquired social skills, but it seems to have worked. Also, they come across as actual Good Ppl which is such a relief after the last lot. (It was totally Not Their Fault; estate agents are lying bastards.)

Spacecadet, I'm sure this has crossed your mind many times, but I'm going to stand on the shoulder where the good angel usually resides: if you cannot "get" him to leave, it is an intensely freeing thing to pack up your belongings and remove them and yourself. Yes, it sucks when it feels like "they get to keep your flat" but OTOH, you will then be living in a new flat without old memories and old pain, where you are free to indulge wistful techno only because you want to.

i begin to see it as a mission to re-occupy crevices of time in the edifice of wage slavery

the nature of these slices of time circumscribes the uses to which they can be put - a para of Marx here, a Taoist epigram there, football tactics, ILX just to plug in to some idea of a world outside this institution

It's now proper January and I should be updating my CV and starting to look at finding another job but I just can't face it, and an already apocalyptic family situation has just exploded (again) and really. At what point are you just allowed to say "fuck this world" and turn your back on it permanently?

Sorry, I am having a serious failing in the "keeping it positive" circuit right now.

:(

i think turning your back permanently shd always be around as a viable option. i just personally keep finding the struggle is worthwhile, just about.

i'm sticking this post of Matt's here because i just found it and i want to come back and think long on it later and maybe even it deserves its own thread but for now just a reminder to think about it

i think that social power is kind of like this free radical rn and it's harder than ever to talk about because it's so decentralized and maybe not as officially directed along gender pathways as it used to be, but it's still structuring desire and our bodies and stretching young people too far (abuse) and generally doing what it does to sustain itself more than ever. feel like it can be generally difficult for someone who has been stretched too far to relate to someone who hasn't, like i feel hyper-aware of/freaked out by power dynamics in the smallest social moments you can possibly measure while my partner generally moves between places along that spectrum with what seems to be minimal effort and cognitive dissonance. he doesn't seem to feel the kind of existential dread i do whenever i locate myself in a social moment.

i think where i see a potential issue with polly's response is that accepting flaws, specifically the poisonous stuff, shouldn't be conflated with falling back down into that behavior and using it again as a point of power, i.e. this is just me you'll just have to accept who i am, and if you're with someone who is also prone to codependency, there you are. there's something weird, almost out-of-body about locating the place deep within your neural pathways or wherever where the impulse to blame and judge just sort of bloom out of, this structure that makes up your desire and a lot of other habitual parts of you, and then just like trying to undo it by letting it happen in a contained sort of way, watching it from the outside and not being "in" it. i find myself being quiet a lot of the time, trying not to feel anything but slightly disoriented about the fact that i have this wiring that i don't want, and then like, giving myself gentle pets and soothing talk and shit like that.

― From the Album No Baby for You! (Matt P), Friday, 3 January 2014 22:47 (5 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink