Blue Saturday

"a"

may the sprites of winter bear thee to thy mirth, nv

Happy birthday!

happy bday noodly wave

Happy Birthday, Noodles. I think you're swell.

thanks everybody :D

just pondering how i can have such a shitty shambolic life and still be such a great learning mentor, but maybe i'll work that out one day

it's a good thing by the way. i feel composed and ever so slightly optimistic today, all things being equal

tiocfaidh ár breithlá

I echo what Darragh said.

Hope you have had a lovely day.

glad tidings to you on your day of birth, noodie!! <3

HB and yeah have a great day!

happy birthday!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0yT1_zMBwk

For many an hour I strayed through the maze of the forest, turning now to right and now to left, pacing slowly down long alleys of undergrowth, shadowy and chill, even under the midday sun, and halting beneath great oaks; lying on the short turf of a clearing where the faint sweet scent of wild roses came to me on the wind and mixed with the heavy perfume of the elder, whose mingled odour is like the odour of the room of the dead, a vapour of incense and corruption.

we live in a less odoriferous world don't we? maybe when there's nothing left to smell then history will really be over

Posted manys the pic of that world iirc, tho with added salt.

yeah the nature side of that world exists for sure in a bunch of places, I was thinking of the metaphors Machen uses there - "a vapour of incense and corruption", i don't know how much that calls to my memory so much as my imagination

tho i can remember smells associated with my grandparents' homes. what i remember from my own childhood home was you could tell if a stranger - usually the TV repairman tbh - had been in because it smelt a bit like smoke and outsiderness

i've been reading a lot about letting go - the need for it, how to do it. a lot of Buddhist-ish pieces. some unhelpful lists. a lot of unhelpful tbh.

i know i shd've started to let go. i know i shd let go. i might've started to. i don't really want to. i probably need to. probably. no, i know i need to.

letting go is like not being depressed. all you have to do is think about something else. divert yourself. forget what you care about. i'm getting good at half of this game. i turn up to work and most days i do a lot of stuff. i got a routine. i am useful.

the letting go i'm not so good at yet. 2 fucking years, that's not good, i shd've made a start by now. if i wasn't such a recidivist, or a navel-gazer, or a stone. i read all the right words about how to place things in a context and accept them for what they were. i think i know the difference between my curdled regrets and reality.

if i'd've cared half this much towards the end then maybe the end would never have happened.

so shamefully i wonder why it's getting worse, why i want it to be worse, why the dreams get more frequent, why the simple fact of buying a christmas present sets me reeling like 16 year-old idiot crush boy me. why i keep wondering what you're doing now and how you managed to cut me out so well.

last week i told myself i was marching forward into the possible like Kung Fu. this week i'm chasing every transparent hope like floaters in the corner of my eye knowing they're not really there but. and by typing out these shadowy feelings i get to pin them down, and watch them stop wriggling, and watch them die. a little.

lol i need to dig out some Lacan and take a cold look at myself

or better yet shut up and do my bloody nvq, i really can't get in the headspace for that. just realised i can't write nvq without writing nv oh the ironing

thread titles that are already admissions of defeat

i want to say so many things but they all sound corny

but I don't think that you would be you if you were already over it and moved on. y'know. you can only do as much as you will allow yourself to, and I think it's slow going because you need it that way, maybe you're not ready to let go completely yet. it's not wrong to feel that way. it fucks things up royally sure, but as long as you keep trying, even when you slip, eventually you'll find some peace.

<3

I want to too! Mostly though I would like to give Jim a very big hug.

Read earlier and didnt think anything to say would help, but yknow. luck.

if i'd've cared half this much towards the end then maybe the end would never have happened.

terrible & destructive thought & i urge you slay it with the knowledge that you cared as much as you did for good reasons

otm

Sr vague do you like it when ppl tell you keep your pecker up

Cause I do, it is my favourite iteration of such advice. Pecker. Excellent.

Has your pecker ever been photographed?

^^^originator of 'because of the wang'

wait wait

keep your pecker up is a saying?

lol

my dad calls people peckerheads

Dander, always dander.

Chin was ok til mine disappeared and i started to avoid refs as a general rule

No it's a crap thing to say unless you say pecker because who doesn't like pecker

the letting go i'm not so good at yet. 2 fucking years, that's not good, i shd've made a start by now.

If important thoughts/growth/being time/things have happened for you over those 2 years, then that was a necessary use of the time.

here's to a less blue new year

the ex wanted to "talk" last night and i encouraged him because he seemed wistful and i suppose i was vainly (in all senses) fishing for compliments or apologies, except it turned into a long list of the mistakes i made and the signs i missed. or ~ cbt mode on ~ maybe that is just my interpretation.

now he is out all day for his new lady's birthday and i am left here being uselessly regretful on a grey rainy day when all the shops are shut and there's nowhere to go and why do i do this

just venting, sorry to do it here

don't be daft, here is the place

New Year's Day is like an extra Sunday slapped down in the middle of the week

gonna adopt a Muppet-based counselling system for 2014

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yaP_kc3y9w

Jesus christ what an ass

Death on the Nile (1978) has made me more sure than ever that the world is a dangerous place populated by lunatic stereotypes. But i am admittedly delicate frame of mind jist nae

Jesus christ tho what an ass

Now for a nightmare world of church, fascist and societal oppression, set to music. Ach my head.

xxp right, and whereas most Sundays you only need to ruminate on one past week and dread one future week at a time, for this bonus Sunday you get to do it for entire years or lifetimes at a time

to state the obvious, fuck that noise

un-xxp Muppets otm, good luck darragh

xp

wasnae sure if that was about The Sound of Music or Ireland for a second there

ah sweet, the Herzog verzh of Bad Lieutenant's on tonight

Well i think my background in one feeds my trepidation twards t'other

APS in all seriousness all the best but cbt bedamned that is intolerable behaviour imo and i dont care what else

xp watched that three times this year with unsuspecting compadres, reaction mixed but who cares rite

tbh in case i sounded saintly and put-upon i was trying a little to get the knife in back, but obv it didn't really work because who's the one who made the decision and who's the one who has other options now? right right

haven't seen BL, not sure i'm in quite the place today buuut

today seems apt, i am gonna nurture my inner Bad Lieutenant in 2014

also hell, it's not like fault mostly ever lies just one way, but rubbish behaviour is still rubbish behaviour

oh it's on after my bedtime, not that that really means anything in this day and age. some other time

further to today as Sunday-of-the-year, ought to be doing the work I didn't do last year because I was in Friday-of-the-year mode, "eh I can catch up on all this over the break and come back fresh" (hah)

on the other hand I have about 6000 unplayed games after the Steam winter sale, which might be a more expansive head-filler, more able to block up all the cracks that unwanted thoughts creep through

Jesus christ tho what an ass