Blue Saturday

Smaller focus mayne imo, smaller focus

can't focus at all tbh

really, this:

These days, when alone and anxious, I type out all my thoughts until I'm exhausted by them, then return to them later and am amazed! at what I was thinking.

― flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 2 November 2013 19:15 (3 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

and then this:

Please ignore this, I know I'm a whiny asshole, I just had to get this down so I can get back to work.

― CAROUSEL! CAROUSEL! (Telephone thing), Tuesday, 5 November 2013 00:43 (9 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

except i think pretending to work is gonna have to do today. and i'm rubbish at that.

on a brighter note i am thinking of retreating into as much 17th century history as i can lay hands to

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Hottest title: 100 Carols for Choirs

Hottest author: Patterson, James

Hottest subject: Love stories.

That is a good plan. The 17th century is where i hibernate.

not sure that this is a question but i'm increasingly consumed with the feeling that there's an unbridgeable gap between me and the kids - by extension between me and everybody else but i don't really give one about that - but the gap is only in me, on my side. i don't know why this is. feel like i'm failing but don't know at what, not guiding them enough or supporting them enough or something that i can't talk to them about, it wd sound like crazy ramble, but here i am, sorry for letting them down in some invisible way, letting myself go down and thinking where the hell will i end up cos the safety net seems to have gone down there

Hey noodz! Have you asked your kids if they feel you're connecting with them effectively? Because I feel sure you have both the processing ability and the sensitivity to watch and listen and find a connection point, and what you're saying reminds me of how ppl talk about depression and feeling cut off from their feelings, other people, etc, when the sensation is coming from the depression and not from their outward actions.

So just in terms of the idea that you're failing them in some unknown way (and fyi, as long as it remains "unknown" it can't be disproven, right? I don't know, that seems not very helpful...), if the kids indicate that they're fine, they know you love them, it's a good connection, it might be worthwhile to try to believe them?

My thoughts, part two: The idea that if you're not "succeeding" at something then it's not worth doing is a ridiculous lie. An absolutely massive number of good things are worth just trying for, not striving, like, desperately, because we'd always be exhausted, but...working toward. Just because. Because it adds a tiny measure of goodness to the world that someone is trying? SAPPY BUT POSSIBLY TRUE.

not talking to them about this wd probably be stupid/wilful on my part, it's true. i'm sure there's a measured way.

the rest is - well, i'm still at my desk, what more do they want?

please miss i had horrible dreams where my id was making fun of me and making me feel sad about myself can i just stay home today and feel sorry for myself a bit? ah forget it

http://www.drawuslines.com/wp-content/themes/tma/images/bg/palace.jpeg

I think IO is onto something

Telling yr kids, in a simple fashion, some of yr worries might help release you of them, or take the air out of them. You are the only Noodle Dad they have, or know, and he's the best one even on his bad days. Letting them show their love for you when you need it seems like a v good thing

idk

but as a nonparent maybe this is more fraught than it sounds

carry on, wayward noodle

drag city xp

for reals

i am going to try and pretend that i have the brain of a normal person

"Days in the Wake" also an apposite album title

coming thru the storm a little bit i think/hope, honestly don't know what i'd do at the moment without you guys to whine at and to get good advices from

which was supposed to mean "thank you all"

today's brain-worms/nuisance thoughts/creeping dreads include:

negative space, dumb conversations i need to have with reluctant work people, it is sunny, financial institutions and how empty their threats might be, Jacques Lacan and his comical ways, why does i never have money, fucking hell Christmas coming no money, 3D tickets for Gravity cost a stupid amount, why i am so tired, i never visited Animal Crossing yesterday cos of stupid Philosophy Club, do i like Philosophy Club?, improbability of disposing of all possessions and starting again from scratch in a placid, orderly Zen fashion, suckitude of muckitude of late Autumn, why England is a island of the damned, fuck's sake fuzzy head on 1 very drawn out pint and ugh scree-surfing towards a bottomless wadi of pity poor alonely dead lump grim funny meeeee

ach Rudra crush space/time bitte right now but just for me throw back the little ones or something, something, gods damn this nation to hellblivion

so bored of brght lights, colours, movement, impetus

meanings

meanings and the quest for meanings and meaningful so effing bored. of. pinions.

just caught the bank balance after avoiding it as much as possible since starting this course, dear christ what am i doing

Do you want an orange Wednesday code to watch Gravity on two-for-one on weds?

thanks but i have class

That was for NV but anyone's welcome

Too classy for Clooney, uh huh

blue blood wednesday

on my uppers class

gonna take the boy tomorrow i think but you are v. kind, kinder. wd never normally go for 3D but this is meant to be the biz?

i have heard that it iz tbh? film buff friend made a point of the 3d.

Gonna go see it in 3d too (usually avoid unless I know it's done well). My o/h went to a talk by the ppl who did the visual effects and is so amped!

http://youtube/yZBR7OQx9qA

duh

http://youtu.be/yZBR7OQx9qA

it's gonna be a very Will Oldham winter i suspect

gaaah

imago la

god i feel like shit right now trying to sort out everything at 9pm on saturday after a week of sleep disturbance and a bottle of wine

ex cheerily inviting me over for the night (turned down) has prompted all sorts of horrible horrible emotional largesse, the fact that the title-track of taking tiger mountain was playing at the time didn't help

& at least it isn't sunday nakhers eh

you don't need me to say this but do not go there in the literal rather than phobic metaphorical sense people are wont to use with that phrase

i'd be careful of being open enough to contact that you can even get asked questions like that which will only ever fuck with you, even if the entreaty itself was not unconscionable

oh i won't. the whole thing is fuckmared beyond belief by the fact she's still in no way over it & has been asking me why I made a commitment I couldn't keep. being friends is hard enough without this

think she's fucking with herself. she knows I've started dating other ppl. she needs to do the same I emphatically aver

yes

wait, didn't she move out like, only a month ago?

2 months m8

still -- i think saddling up again so soon is not going to lead to anything resembling competent horsemanship

everyone i'm going on a date with in the foreseeable future already has at least 1 extant & consenting partner. the way forward yo. 21st-century lj

i was referring to your ex

saddling up again will result in me crying quite a lot & possibly never speaking to her again

assumed you were just talking about riding horses