http://www.theonion.com/articles/advice-to-enjoy-being-young-came-out-way-sadder-th,34451/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=Default:1:Default
NEW YORK—An attempt Monday to impart a piece of upbeat, life-affirming wisdom about enjoying one’s youth reportedly conveyed a desperate, melancholy tone that made the message feel considerably sadder than intended, sources confirmed. “Enjoy all the freedom and all the options you have now because you can never go back,” a well-meaning Jeff Gibbons, 48, told Eric Portman, 24, in what observers said sounded far less like a motivational appeal to seize the day, as he meant it to, and more like a naked cry for help. “Sooner than you think you’ll wake up and you won’t have your whole life ahead of you. And those carefree days when it seemed like anything was possible will be over. So enjoy it while it lasts.” At press time, instead of coming across as playful and lighthearted, Gibbons sounded like he would absolutely kill somebody if it meant he could be Portman’s age again.
― twist boat veterans for stability (k3vin k.), Monday, 4 November 2013 21:01 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/nabisco-snack-physicists-develop-highly-unstable-q,34421/
― #fomo that's the motto (Hurting 2), Monday, 4 November 2013 21:04 (twelve years ago)
oh man
http://www.theonion.com/articles/financially-ruined-executive-still-piecing-life-ba,34452/
― some dude, Monday, 4 November 2013 21:07 (twelve years ago)
lol at "fig-newtonian"
― caek, Monday, 4 November 2013 22:38 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/kidnapped-teen-freed-though-freedom-is-its-own-kin,34454/
― diamonddave85, Thursday, 7 November 2013 02:41 (twelve years ago)
feeling this
http://www.theonion.com/articles/giant-burrito-to-solve-all-of-area-mans-problems-f,34479/
― sleepingbag, Thursday, 7 November 2013 17:11 (twelve years ago)
burrito one similar to the one about the man on the verge of him enjoying himself story that ran over the summer but still a solid 8/10
― the Shearer of simulated snowsex etc. (Dwight Yorke), Thursday, 7 November 2013 17:12 (twelve years ago)
good stuff, reminiscent of my favorite onion article ever (which I've probably already posted to this thread):
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-crispy-snack-cracker-to-ease-crushing-pain-of,1021/
― #fomo that's the motto (Hurting 2), Thursday, 7 November 2013 17:17 (twelve years ago)
LOL
http://www.theonion.com/articles/console-wars-heat-up-as-zenith-unveils-gamespace-p,34551/
― Emperor Cos Dashit (Adam Bruneau), Thursday, 14 November 2013 20:11 (twelve years ago)
Going full dark once again: http://www.theonion.com/articles/cowardly-refugee-running-away-from-problems,34542/
― Ian from Etobicoke (Phil D.), Thursday, 14 November 2013 20:20 (twelve years ago)
Report: 92% Of Divorced Parents Get Back Together If Children Ask Enough Times
― Viceroy, Monday, 18 November 2013 23:01 (twelve years ago)
lol at this ad accompanying that piecehttp://images.pinchme.com.au/7BB23A1912D5A6E114CB90E363E8C6A9.jpg
― ill never click this homo erotic site again (forksclovetofu), Monday, 18 November 2013 23:25 (twelve years ago)
http://www.avclub.com/ the latest contestant in the who-can-redesign-their-already-incomprehensible-websites-into-humanity's-greatest-interpretation-of-hell competition
― my whole family is catholic so look at the pickle i'm in (zachlyon), Wednesday, 20 November 2013 03:49 (twelve years ago)
aww, took that as a url, thought it was going to be a funny onion article
― Doctor Casino, Wednesday, 20 November 2013 04:07 (twelve years ago)
kind of love the dauntless stupidity of adding a progress meter for reading an article to make your eye dart away instinctively from the text every time you hit the down arrow key
― Doctor Casino, Wednesday, 20 November 2013 04:13 (twelve years ago)
more of that tablet/mobile-ready reactive design shit or whatever they call it that autosenses browser size and completely changes layout.
― lollercoaster of rove (s.clover), Wednesday, 20 November 2013 04:36 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/11-steps-for-cooking-a-perfect-thanksgiving-turkey,34625
― Ian from Etobicoke (Phil D.), Thursday, 21 November 2013 16:31 (twelve years ago)
hahaha
― veneer timber (imago), Thursday, 21 November 2013 16:40 (twelve years ago)
sometimes goofy simplicity is the way to go
dying
― i wish i had a skateboard i could skate away on (Hurting 2), Thursday, 21 November 2013 16:56 (twelve years ago)
Reminds me of a line I like to quote from an Italian friend. "This is my Uncle Vinny's recipe for eggplant: 'Preheat your oven to 375. Halve the eggplant, rub it with olive oil, salt and pepper, wrap it in foil, and throw it in the fucking garbage.' My Uncle Vinny hates eggplant."
― i wish i had a skateboard i could skate away on (Hurting 2), Thursday, 21 November 2013 16:58 (twelve years ago)
lol
― ᶓ͠סּᴥ͠סּᶔ ᶓͼ᷆ₓͼ᷇ᶔ (gr8080), Thursday, 21 November 2013 17:17 (twelve years ago)
http://i.imgur.com/L1hVytM.jpg
― Number None, Thursday, 21 November 2013 19:13 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-employers-created-40000-new-jobs-for-existi,34622/
― Insane Prince of False Binaries (Gukbe), Thursday, 21 November 2013 19:14 (twelve years ago)
dying again at the gettysburg address feature
― i wish i had a skateboard i could skate away on (Hurting 2), Thursday, 21 November 2013 19:19 (twelve years ago)
only thing missing is 'amirite?' after 'More like Jefferson Doofus'
― When you popped Apollonia, it kinda popped my brain. (weatheringdaleson), Friday, 22 November 2013 02:41 (twelve years ago)
http://25.media.tumblr.com/0d40d8336fd30bab7c6f86f685b0ae43/tumblr_mwsquzE5kM1qzb8z0o1_400.png
should i just make a "fuck the avclub" thread
― my whole family is catholic so look at the pickle i'm in (zachlyon), Monday, 25 November 2013 02:00 (twelve years ago)
wait that's not an onion article proper!?
― lollercoaster of rove (s.clover), Monday, 25 November 2013 03:13 (twelve years ago)
http://ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=77&threadid=98014#unread
― socki (s1ocki), Monday, 25 November 2013 15:38 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/professor-sees-parallels-between-things-other-thin,5692/
― lollercoaster of rove (s.clover), Monday, 25 November 2013 17:56 (twelve years ago)
ouch
― caek, Tuesday, 26 November 2013 01:19 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-has-to-sell-lake-house,34686/
― Tip from Tae Kwon Do: (crüt), Tuesday, 26 November 2013 17:08 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/bizarre-scifi-novel-posits-world-where-natives-inh,34720/
― 乒乓, Wednesday, 4 December 2013 02:49 (twelve years ago)
idgi
― Mordy , Wednesday, 4 December 2013 02:52 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/deformed-freak-born-without-penis,34732/
― lollercoaster of rove (s.clover), Wednesday, 4 December 2013 03:38 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/employee-slowly-realizes-boss-attempting-to-have-n,34739/
Could have just run this one with the headline only
― 乒乓, Wednesday, 4 December 2013 19:14 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/every-parents-worst-nightmare-is-losing-a-child-to,34762/
― Kim Wrong-un (Neil S), Friday, 13 December 2013 15:40 (twelve years ago)
The last print edition of the newspaper came out yesterday, btw. Lots of articles on the front page about print revenues going up and Onion reporters happy about not having to chase web traffic and the ascendency of digital media still being decades down the road, etc.
― Sandwich Slobber (Old Lunch), Friday, 13 December 2013 15:45 (twelve years ago)
love both of these
http://www.theonion.com/articles/worldwide-jewish-conspiracy-worried-it-came-down-t,34815/?ref=auto
http://www.theonion.com/articles/30yearold-has-earned-11-more-than-he-would-have-wi,34824/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=Default:1:Default
All in all, the countless hours Patrick spent stressing about getting into school and then working hard to succeed in college have been more or less a financial wash.” The study noted, however, that one cannot ever truly put a price on the 12 Post-WWII European History lectures Moorhouse attended junior year.
― k3vin k., Friday, 13 December 2013 16:30 (twelve years ago)
uh, ha ha?
http://www.theonion.com/articles/thousands-of-americans-to-notice-first-signs-of-de,34828/
― cristalnacht (lukas), Monday, 16 December 2013 21:19 (twelve years ago)
sometimes the onion just wants to watch the world burn
― VENIET IMBER (imago), Monday, 16 December 2013 21:20 (twelve years ago)
It definitely has a powerful mean and misanthropic streak
― signed, J.P. Morgan CEO (Hurting 2), Monday, 16 December 2013 21:24 (twelve years ago)
yeah that's just a fail. it isn't doing anything.
― Roberto Spiralli, Monday, 16 December 2013 21:30 (twelve years ago)
thanks for making me worry about my mom tho
― Strangers look on with a discernible, barely contained ‘wow’. (forksclovetofu), Monday, 16 December 2013 21:39 (twelve years ago)
Take it from me, forks, your mom's doing great.
― pplains, Monday, 16 December 2013 22:43 (twelve years ago)
ricocheting from one horror to another here
― Strangers look on with a discernible, barely contained ‘wow’. (forksclovetofu), Monday, 16 December 2013 22:56 (twelve years ago)
oh, you can take it from me too.
― From the Album No Baby for You! (Matt P), Tuesday, 17 December 2013 00:26 (twelve years ago)
Its funny because youre a douchebag
― Strangers look on with a discernible, barely contained ‘wow’. (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 17 December 2013 05:33 (twelve years ago)
anyway
― signed, J.P. Morgan CEO (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 17 December 2013 15:13 (twelve years ago)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/pudgy-doughboy-with-rosy-red-cheeks-presses-nose-u,34792/
― signed, J.P. Morgan CEO (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 17 December 2013 15:14 (twelve years ago)