Craigslist hilarity

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/muc/4130894526.html

http://images.craigslist.org/00V0V_3MP2wPWzE6B_600x450.jpg

Reply to: gb5mv-4130894✧✧✧@c✧✧✧.craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [?] Posted: a day ago

NICKELBACK TRIBUTE SEEKING THE RADDEST BASS PLAYER (Clackamas)

Chad Kroeger and Daniel Adair are looking for our Mike Kroeger to play bass in the raddest Nickelback tribute band ever! Kick lameness to the CURB and prepare to take THE STATE fucking hostage, as we take this DARK HORSE down THE LONG ROAD of awesomeness HERE AND NOW for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS. . .. . .We are gonna hit the stage SILVERSIDE UP with a tribute to Nickelback releasing their double album of greatest hits. Lets grab Portland and Seattle by the balls!!! No one admits it but the fact is everyone secretly loves Nickelback. . ...It's like Jim Gaffigan says, "how did Mcdonalds sell a billion cheeseburgers if no one ever eats there???" I say the same to all you fuckin' hipsters! How did the greatest band in the world that everyone loves to hate, sell over 50 million records if no one likes them. . .. . .I have the panache and the tones of Chad down pat. I have studied his succulent mastery of rock and can pull off all of his amazing rock moves right down to his lion mane of golden curly hair. I will grab your girlfriend by the throat and softly sing her white trash sexual innuendos in my sultry Canadian baritone, while playing lightning out of my Mesa triple rectifier of doom. My drummer has worshipped at the altar of 3 Doors Down and then followed Daniel as he metamorphosed into the hard rock equivalent of multiple female orgasms that is Nickelback. . ...We just need the best Bassist in Portland!

I have some requirements:

must not be really old (like 38 or something)
NO hipsters, if you like PBR you are out!!
No hipster mustaches, even if they look good from multiple angles
No girls at practice! leave Yoko at home, she can come flash her titties at shows!
No Gays, No offense, we love the gays....but Nickelback practices a heterosexual conservative Christian Canadian lifestyle
MUST BE AWESOME, we are and so must you be!

So if you have an amazing bass rig, look like a rockstar, and know you need to be part of something that is bigger than life itself email us

Location: Clackamas

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Posting ID: 4130894526 Posted: a day ago Updated: a day ago

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/roo/4131891368.html

"There is one bathroom, it is also chill."

That Nickelback tribute ad is actually kind of awesome.

meanwhile:

http://enid.craigslist.org/cto/4119280944.html

http://images.craigslist.org/00Y0Y_6GxqpxUYzSr_600x450.jpg

1997 Jeep Cherokee - $1750 (Enid, OK )

1997 Jeep Cherokee (XJ)
220K Miles
4.0 L in-line 6
4WD
AUTOMATIC Transmission
Bright Red
Straight Stock
Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense
POWER MIRRORS! Woo Hoo!

$1750

Here's the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee. This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import. It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character.
It's a Jeep. It rides like a Jeep. It drives like a Jeep. All of these are GOOD things.
It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used. This will be apparent in the pictures.

If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a bullshit job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.

If, however, you have BALLS OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid shit: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?
Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?
While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?
Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?
Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?
When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?
Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?
-could you not care less?
Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?
Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?
Do you still miss your first ride?
Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?
Remember when tool companies had the balls to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?
Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?

If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.

DETAILS:
-I am the second owner. First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.
-I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil. How much? I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points.
I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive. Not enough to bother me.
-It leaks a little oil. How much? Not enough for me to care. It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter!
If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!
-Rear bumper has a big-ass crease in it. I dented it backing into a concrete pole. Sober.
We drove away giggling, for the record. Haven't fixed it.
-Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.
-Radiator has a small leak. Pinhole. I can replace the radiator or you can. Really doesn't matter
A new radiator and hoses will run $145. If you don't want to replace them I will.
Add $250 to the price of vehicle. This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer). A freaking bargain.
-The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ.
-Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly
-Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles. I haven't upgraded because I had plans:
Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17" Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires.
Life got in the way - it ain't happening.
-Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay. My daughter's idea, take it up with her.
-Flogging Molly sticker stays as well. They kick ass, so there.

QUESTIONS:
-Why are you selling?
I can't justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money.
Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is: awesome mechanical artistry.

-What's wrong with it?
Radiator. Small oil leaks. Driver's side door cosmetic issues.
And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked. It needs rescued.

-Does the 4WD work?
Hell yes. Like a Dickensian Orphan.

-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?
No. I'm not in the salvage business. Buy the Jeep. Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.

-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?
No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number]
Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of shit honda project down the road.
I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad mofo.

-Why is it still stock?
Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project.
I haven't had the time to do so. So I am selling it.

-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?
I don't give a shit. But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!

-Would this make a good car for my daughter?
Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance.
Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.

-Can you deliver?
Within reason. I'd drive it a hundred miles or so. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.

-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?
Would you take a ball pein hammer to the forehead?
No. I'll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don't show.

-Will you ship to -?
No. See above.

-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?
That's great, I don't give a shit. Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750.
Why? Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I'd rather keep it.
But if it's going to a good home - I will sell. Unless you're an asshole - then no sale.

-Why are you such a dick?
Everything is relative; you should see my friends.

Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.

Location: Enid, OK
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Posting ID: 4119280944

Posted: 2013-10-09, 11:39AM CDT

Updated: 2013-10-09, 3:36PM CDT

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/fuo/4143349254.html

aaagh NSFW

:D

roland emmerich's got this one I reckon

xp - sorry!

- $390 Seeking open-minded, parTy friendly housemate (excelsior / outer mission)

© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap
mission at silver
Friendly male (30s) want to find a female to share my 2-bedroom apartment in the mission area. Situated right next buss stop stores super quiet . Safe neighborhood. .

Please contact me if you are interested and are sex-positive and parTy-friendly (I work hard/play hard). I do indulge and want someone who is similar or is copascetic to my lifestyle. ;)

The room is readily viewable and comes closet. Nice light.

Change the subject of your response to me to "roomie Tina" or your email will go to the trash
mission at silver (google map) (yahoo map)
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

the man who makes copacetic sound like a disease

I like the mango passion granola, but in a guilty pleasure kind of way.

wrong thread.

There is a nice light. In the closet.

What's up with the cap T in parTy?

it means meth

Tina = meth.

Wow, you're right. Man I'm old.

I can't even

^^^ +1. Come and share my crack den.

METH den, get it right

OTOH it's hard to resist The room is readily viewable and comes closet.

METH den, get it right

Haha, see 'man I'm old' above.

Situated right next buss stop stores super quiet

Pure poetry. Eat your heart out, Robert Frost.

(I work hard/play hard)

http://deadhomersociety.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/homersphobia3.png

wonder if this guy's relationship with the last housemate set a level of expectation or whether he just decided to take this opportunity to try to have it all

it's nice that this neighborhood has a designated spot where ppl can kiss you

Buss stop, meth den
Closet, nice light
Please be copascetic

^^^ rough draft by The Hollies?

i don't think he's actually looking for a roommate, is he? there's ads that pop up all over chicago craigslist of people looking for their "friends" Addy and Molly. they're so awful in their brazeness.

50 or more vhs tapes - $50
i have 50 + vhs tapes of all sorts some are new most are used they are all working condition but need a home iam asking 50 dollars for all of them and iam sure that there is at least 70 or more call or txt

smh

ok theres 100. 150 or 170 tapes. more like at least 180

Reply Posted: about 4 hours ago
Groping party - w4w (Walmart)

Hi I'm a woman
22 years old
Looking to do so something fun
I have this fantasy where I grope and am groped by guys/girls in a store/public area
I have assembled and want more girls/ couples to join
Everyone will be instructed to go to a certain public place at a certain time and walk around like normal customers
But keep your left hand on your left buttcheek
That's the sign that your part of the group
And if you see someone with they're hand on they're butt you can grope/touch them
But first ask where the touching is ok
A rule of thumb is do just the butt unless invited to go further
If you want to join you'll have to send me a pic of yourself (regular picture) with a note saying
"Grope or be groped"
I Have about 15 females and 20 males
If your a guy and want to join you are required to get a girl to come as well
Text me at
seven six three two zero zero eight four six six

Email me the pic then text me and I will give further instruction

BODY TYPES AND AGE DO NOT MATTER
ALL RECIPIENTS WILL BE ACCEPTED AS LONG AS YOU PROVIDE THE PICTURE
Location: Walmart
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
Posting ID: 4237804419 Posted: about 4 hours ago

Uh shit, I should probably have scrubbed this crazy person's ph#. Halp

http://i.imgur.com/LnPBgaB.png

http://seattle.craigslist.org/est/art/4258741615.html

17.2 Lbs of Ex-Girlfriend's Yarn - $250 (Bothell/Canyon Park)

When you talk about distributing yarn by the "stone," you might have a problem.

Well, I had 100 problems, and now I have 99 problems. The person responsible for these 17.2 lbs of yarn ain't one. You can make it so I have 98 problems. Pictured is all the yarn I could find in the house. I think there are some knitting needles in there too.

That's right. With all the painstaking, loyal, monogamous, and patient love I showed throughout this failed relationship, I carefully laid out all of the yarn and photographed it. I had other girls offering to help, but no, like all my problems, I handled this one on my own, because I was a good guy. Don't think I'm exaggerating about the weight of this yarn. I weighed it on a scale. Though usually I lie and say things look like they weigh far less than they actually weigh, just to be kind, because lately things sometimes looked like they weighed a lot more than they did when I met them.

In one of the photos, I even included one of the two demon cats my ex-girlfriend brought against my will into my home. We can say I included them for scale. There are a lot of different types of yarn. Some of it is colorful, or multi-colored, and is pretty. Some of it is not and has been used to start some of the hideous projects you see before you. Look at that grey and red hat. Who would wear that? What was she thinking? My living room floor looks like Trouble with Tribbles. I don't know as much about yarn as I know about Star Trek, but it seems pretty nice overall.

I mean, its in good shape. It wasn't damaged, when, for example, she put my half-smoked cigar back in humidor, ruining all my remaining cigars. It also wasn't damaged when she poured screen-cleaning solution all over her laptop, then got all surprised when that damaged the laptop, which I had to replace.

She claimed the yarn she left is worth $500 to $600. But she has this "Rainman" attitude toward money so it's probably worth somewhere between $300 and the value of the U.S. National Debt. I just want it out. Make me an offer on the demon cats, too, if you like. I might even give you a discount on the yarn. It's not their fault they're demon cats, it's her fault.

She kept talking about how the yarn was "high-end." Maybe that's why I had thousands of dollars of credit card bills from "ravelry.com" and other such life-destroying sites. Did you know you can get a credit card even if you have horrible credit and no job? I didn't know that. Did you know you can also over-draft a debit card account, even after checking the option at the bank to not allow you to do that, if you shop online? I didn't know that either. Screw you, Paypal. Did you know you could open credit card accounts in other people's names? But I digress.

The yarn must have been nice, because she would never leave the house to work, or walk my dog, who used to be a good dog before she started spoiling him and confusing him about everything, and now he's nervous and neurotic. She also was too busy with the yarn to take the trash to the curb, and didn't seem to have time to do any of the housework either. Most of the yarn isn't labeled, but some of it is. Some of it is even still in its packaging, I guess just in case she decided she suddenly needed this brand new package of yarn and there was some sort of crop-shortage in yarn-land so she had to buy it in advance.

The yarn takes up a lot of space. That's probably why she always said there was no room to put any of her stuff away in my 2000 square foot house with a two-car garage and a hot tub, where she lived for free, had all her bills including insurance paid by me, and didn't pay any rent and still complained all the time demanding more jewelry. It's currently carefully stuffed into four double-bagged garbage bags for your transporting convenience. The yarn, not the house. I've gotten good about stuffing things in garbage bags lately.

Email me and ask for Tom.
Location: Bothell/Canyon Park
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

lol

Lil Wayne wanted (DC-MD-VA)
Date: 2009-06-12, 12:27PM EDT

My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.

Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

― Kerm, Wednesday, June 17, 2009 12:46 AM (4 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i love this one so much. i wonder if the kid was fooled.

o free shabby chick upholstered chair (west hollywood)

cheap typo lol

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/zip/4280440661.html

"Sorry but the oars have gone missing/ got chewed up by Moe."

How's he know it wasn't Cupcake what chewed the oar?

the picture is too good
http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/800x600q90/5/48v4.jpg

http://www.oceansbridge.co.uk/paintings/artists/special/big/goodfellas_painting.jpg

good callback

Hello, this nice private/spacious room has opened up for temporary, but long term renting. It is private because it has a private entrance; many love it because it's like walking into your own apartment, not like many other rooms that are up for rent where you have to pass by other rooms/ people to get to yours. The size space is nice; it's 17 ½ long and 13 inches wide.

http://images.craigslist.org/00b0b_bF3ZabwGwIR_600x450.jpg

Available for rent: one futon, left open on the street in the rain. Futon features water resistant "pleather" covering- dries easily with quick wipe of the hand (open to the sky though, so water may come back if it keeps raining). 360 degree views of neighborhood, open to sky (for stargazing!). Friendly neighbors who walk past on the way to work, the grocery store, and everywhere because futon is in the street. Futon itself is completely private, area around futon is the outdoors and so is not private at all. Great for kicking back with a cup of coffee in the morning when not raining, snowing, or cold. Terrible at all other times.

Large feral cat colony in neighborhood for new furry friends- MEOW!
cats are OK - purrr
dogs are OK - wooof
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

Really good band seeks manager (midtown)

We don't sound like other bands!! Our rapper/keyboardist is a crazy genius and he can play Beethoven sonatas! He kinda sounds like Tupac when he raps though!! We also have a crazy punk rocker front man (very charismatic) who plays saxophone which is ME!!! Our drummer is crazy and he's in the vikings drum line!! he's so legit! all three of us went to music school and our jazz professor taught us right!!! we are NOT chumps!! and our bass player has never taken a lesson in his life but he's like Flea reincarnated!! he just feels it, i swear. I promise you, we don't suck!! do you think I'd waste your time if we sucked?? No!

We are literally crazy enough to be famous, I promise you!! why are we crazy??!! well, we're entertaining when we argue and we are all SOBER STRAIGHT EDGE!! what the fuck?? who does that!! and we don't swear in any of our songs!! what the hell? well, we don't want to be famous, that would suck. But so many festival hippies would groove to this! I swear!!! You gotta hear it!! it jams HARD.

the POINT is though, we are looking for a manager who is not some corporate chump!! we are fucking DIY as hell and have the work ethic of RHINOS! I am also a networking juggernaut (fo real) !!! we've all read a shit ton of books about branding making it as an indie band and stuff, so we're legit!! not that it matters but we're also really good looking! for real!!!!

the reason we need a manager is cause we need some HELP! we need someone with A LOT OF connections and is good at writing emails that look way better than this fucking piece of shit AD! we need someone who knows who the fuck black flag is! and who charlie parker is!! if this sounds like you, HIT ME UP! I'm fucking serious. come grind with us.

would see that band

so many festival hippies would groove to this!

Ha, at least they know their market.

i didn't know Flead died. RIP.

haha. Flea.