cutting people completely out of your life

That's basically the only time -- everything else has merely been a case of falling out of touch. Cutting people off runs contrary to my nature, really -- flagging friendships will usually die a natural death, rather than needing to be pointedly terminated. I guess if someone had actively preyed on my good will, I might have occasion to cut them off. (Almost typed "cut the moff", which sounds rather interesting.) But since I've never had any friends who turned out to be true parasites, or who really tried to screw me over, I've never had to do that.

I've spent years in therapy working out that I'm OK and that its every one else that has the problem.

I have an ex who freezed me out of her life during the worst period of my life. It was just bad timing in most ways, and I understand why she did what she did (while not forgiving it). It was shortly after we split up, and she just disappeared on me, never returned any calls, texts, etc. I hadn't done anything 'wrong', she just couldn't handle the long-distance relationship, and the aftermath of a long-distance breakup. So she disappeared. My father passed away. She re-initiated contact, by way of condolence, but ended up causing more damage by flitting in and out of my life as she could handle it. I wasn't in a state to ignore her, and ended up picking myself apart in dual longing for her and grieving for my father. After a while, we met up, and formally ceased contact.

There's been the odd gesture since then, unwise text messages on both sides during weak moments, attemptedly-latonic email entensions of friendship/contact on both sides that were mostly ignored/rebuffed. Nothing whatsoever for months. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I spotted her staring at me at a gig (she's moved back here, I guess). I blanked her, I guess. I didn't want contact.

So at ATP this weekend, as my girlfriend and I entered the building, there was a monitor standing near the entrance displaying photos taken of revellers the night before. As she chatted with colleagues, I absent-mindedly gazed towards the monitor, which was displaying a photo of her and her boyfriend, I guess, snuggling together. The cosmic weirdness of the timing and everything made me laugh out loud, but it unsettled me. Partly, perhaps, the sense that this girl who I'd loved so much, who'd been unable to commit to the relationship to any concrete degree because she felt too messed up, had somehow made it work with someone else (but then, so had I, I guess). Mostly, however, it was an anxiety of confrontation. In the past, I'd spotted her with her best friend (who, throughout our relationship, morphed from friend of mine to complete stranger/enemy) at a couple of festivals, and tried to pretend I hadn't, convinced that it would engender an unpleasant confrontation (I M WUSS). Instead, I would stand, gazing into thin air, convinced they were laughing at me behind my back. Now she was here, and I started to get the Fear of what this might involve - a confrontation with my girlfriend, perhaps, some kind of shenanigans. I feared looking an idiot in front of her too, a loser. The usual, ugly, emotional-wreck stuff.

So I told my girlfriend about the monitor and she laughed, and made a joke about my ex's large bum. We caught some bands, had fun, hung out. I thought I spotted my ex at one point, but she didn't see me, so I moved away accordingly. Later, tripping on mushrooms, I passed her exiting the Slint show. She spotted me, and shot a look I would classify as shock/disgust/anxiety. I sort of smiled wanly through her and walked off. It didn't upset me too much, but I've dwelt on it a little afterwards. I know the worst thing in the world would be to let this girl back in life - she's like crack to me, addictive and utterly destructive. But I can't deny I'm attracted to the chaos in some way - I am compelled to the relationship like picking a scab. I know its ugly and unhealthy, but somehow I can't help it.

Only I can. I have cut her number out of my mobile phone. I shan't email her. If I bump into her out in town, I'll be cool, not-unfriendly, but distant. It hurts too much. She could make me feel the best I've ever felt; she could make me feel like Hell. I don't want the risk and I don't want the ride. I wish I'd never, ever met her. I wish I wasn't compelled to pick apart the meaning of her expression on saturday night.

Oh man, this is SO OTM it's not even funny. I feel like that after every relationship I've ever been in.

xpost

of course

it was my fault, partly, i messed up

it was a long time ago

i regret it

real crackheads wouldn't just smile wanly as the crack was passed in front of them again. i think you're clean. there is no relationship, so there's nothing to be compelled to, except nightmares and ghosts. shrooms aren't exactly the right lens to look thru this stuff either

xposts

The mission failed and I'm still good friends with this person, much to my delight, but I guess if I'd *really* wanted to cut someone from my life I would've done so.

I can't say I miss the friendship of any of my ex girlfriends, and I'm sure they say the same thing about me.

I have also been trying to do this with an ex for a while now. Was slightly complicated by the fact that we were both invited to the same wedding about a year ago and by the fact that we have a few mutual friends, one of whom is now a very good friend of mine. On the basis of these I'd say that it's best to make sure you can go all the way and fully cut them out. If you can't then try to find a workable compromise, even if it's just in your own head. It's bloody hard to stop yourself being aggravated on an occasional basis if you are trying to exclude someone from your life and your life doesn't really allow it.

Yep, yep. Sigh.

Anyway, I didn't make any effort to keep in touch, and thought that as 18 months had passed, that the friendship was well and truly dead. In the last month however, I received one email from her that she sent to a general email address at work, looking for me, and when I responded to it, she sent me another, which I never got round to responding to, and then two chasing up ones, including another to the generic work email.

Now do I just go on ignoring the emails, send her one and then just let it drift off again, or tell her that I was purposely cutting her out and do it again?!

you don't see a qualitative difference to what? yr girlfriends or the friendship cut?

I have to agree. I cut an entire clique of people out of my life in the past year and I've never been happier. Enough said.

change your life then? it's not as hard as it sounds.

i believe there are times when it just doesn't make any sense for two people to see each other anymore, because of simmering disagreements or differing expectations. but i've never been party to a decision such as the one suggested in the thread title, i.e. i've never cut anyone out of my life who was trying to stay in, and have never been in the position of calling or emailing someone who would adamantly not call or write back in an attempt to cut me out of theirs. i imagine that i'd find such a circumstance more puzzling than anything else, just a melodramatic version of the "we shouldn't see each other so much" that probably pretty much everyone's been party to.

this was an interesting comment, tracer, because this happened to me recently... where i ended up at the same event as someone who evidently did not want to see me, or had considerable anxiety about seeing me. (because they felt they had seen me too often recently, and because they had something to tell me that they hadn't yet worked up the courage to say.) this person was, almost literally, shaking like a leaf ... voice quavering ... eyes fixed firmly on her shoes. at the time i simply felt snubbed and frantically confused, although within hours that changed to a sympathetic contemplation of her own anxieties. what bothered me most, however, was that when we did eventually talk she didn't seem aware of the extent to which her own anxieties manifested themselves in her appearance and in her snubbing me. or else she just really didn't want to talk about it. anyway i expect to see her again --i mean, run into her--and told her so.

i was a weird kid.

OMG! Am I a sociopath?

Scott, you are NOT a sociopath. It takes effort to keep up with people when they're not around. But you've always managed to do it with the people who really matter to you.

Anyway in the last month I've met someone else, whom I really like, it seems quite serious so far, serious in that it's so much fun.

It's odd, now I look at my close friend and I can see what my friends were saying, and I feel she was probably stringing me along. Now that I no longer fancy her I just see the ugly parts of her personality and feel a certain amount of animosity for her selfishness in messing with me for so long and the way she was able to manipulate me.

In the meantime she's broken up with her boyfriend and as I see it, is now boyfriendless and lapdogless (no me anymore, I mean) and is acting extremely clingy with me.

I feel now that we were only friends based on my fancying her, and I don't want much to do with her. She rings me and asks questions about my new girlfriend and feebly tries to wield her old power over me by saying things like "I won't embarass you will I, if I come out tonight?" and I just think "no but you'll fucking embarass yourself".

It's odd how the tables have turned, I guess I feel now that I am justified in cutting her out, because of the way of led me on. At the same time I think it might be a bit mean.

The only reason I feel like being normal with her is that we were friends once I suppose, and also perhaps because I don't want her to mess things up with me with the new girl.

On the other hand, on a night like tonight she rings and asks if I'm going out and I just think "I have a new girlfriend, it's going really well, you had your chance, now leave me alone"

"Breaking up" with a friend

Friends Breaking Up

I am also really bad at keeping in touch, too. Some people think I am ignoring them when in fact I am just in a funk most of the time, and don't think about much beyond the next hour.

And even if said person made it impossible for me to deal with as a friend, I would still never consciously cut a friend out of my life unless I was forced to.. everyone defines differently what "forced to" means, of course... but it has happened to me a couple of times, and frankly, I haven't regretted it -- only because I gave the people in question more chances than they deserved.

Nowadays I have generous, thoughtful friends and I really do wonder why I allowed myself to put up with the other kind for so long.

My advice: cut cleanly and without acrimony.

Whatever you do, DO NOT actually act upon this impulse. You will regret it in the long run.

Friends start to slag the other person off, because they think it will make you feel better, but in reality you just get more and more bitter. So even the mildest of bitching, or the smallest of negative traits, you are tempted to run and run with so they seem bigger and bigger to you and eventually you just have this monster of your own creation. In time, you'll regain perspective realise that maybe they're not the goddess you originally made them out to be, but they're not the villain either.

As it happens, I'm still friends with the assumed stringer-alonger and all these issues are in the past. I'm very glad I didn't cave into the self-imposed pressure and burn my bridges entirely.

-- Amateur(ist) ([email protected]) (webmail), March 3rd, 2005 2:34 PM. (Amateur(ist)) (link)

Well, it's not like I issue ultimatums or anything. "I close the iron door on you," etc. What I meant was, the only people I have "cut out" of my life have been people I broke up with, in which case the cutting-off was at least partly mutual and wholly circumstantial. I can't think of anyone I hate. Maybe there are people out there who hate me -- I don't know.

Oh very.

OK. I asked because I've met guys like him and when I was younger and decidedly not out was probably that guy without being high maintenance or so obnoxious (I hope!).

I also realize that there are people who I wish I could cut completely out of my life, but I have to interact with them in some capacity because of work or other community things… so I have the category of “avoid/ignore as much as possible, but don’t make it dramatic “

Then I really start feeling old when people i used to think were annoying af become more tolerable because they actually are pretty good to work with in a professional way

xp Alfred yeah I’m sure you weren’t anything like this guy. He’s sort of a grand Southern queen, or that’s his chosen role. Which could make him a lot of fun, lots of acerbic wit, but plenty of downsides.