Blue Saturday

this is my Getting Over Shit music btw. suck it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_VmyoAnT98

'discrete mathematics'

i shoulda started that novel when u told me lj ;_;

there isn't a right and a wrong direction to take, it's more a case of the forces of evil that push you in the opposite direction than you want to go in - if it's just a case of feeling like what you should do vs what you wanna do well, cobblers to that really

oh I'm not framing it as right vs wrong. it's just two ways, with their various promises, yearnings

ach i just oscillate between Elijahian waffle and mewling self-pity nowadays

the opportunity cost of breathing is far too high and what are the government doing about it

After the capture of Khovd, Ja Lama inflicted savage reprisal against the Chinese military prisoners and civilian population. His acts of cruelty included slaughtering most of the Chinese troops he captured. It was rumored that Ja Lama stabbed the prisoners in the chest with a knife and tore their hearts out with his left hand. He then laid the hearts together with parts of the brain and some entrails in skull bowls so as to offer them up as bali sacrifices to the Tibetan terror gods and hung on the walls of his yurt the peeled skins of his enemies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ja_Lama

― things that are jokes pretty much (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Saturday, 22 December 2012 14:39 (8 months ago)

thought i had posted about ja lama on ilx before, now he gets a belated tribute

https://myspace.com/kingstownrecordings/music/songs

some tasty Acid from a friend of mine out here in the Humbrensian metropolis

http://i.imgur.com/kCNMKAn.jpg

via Pauline Oliveros

i fell off the wagon and ow my head

feel like having a discursive moan about education and lyfe and stuff but am quite thick-headed and distractible, seems unfair seeing as i've been going to bed early and acting all willing to work and shit

really pondering why even when i recognize the evidence for what they say i am unimpressed with the arguments of people who moan about declining educational standards in England. something about the system being not what they think it is or for and never having been, plus "intellectual snobbery" being v. ugly and misplaced i think?

on the other hand frequent eye-witnesses to young people being dragged thru and ultimately awarded qualifications when i strongly doubt they "understand" half of what they've "learned"

Some people who trash educational standards seem to be motivated be a desire to prove that they are the only ones who understand that things are going to hell in a handbasket, because only they have the intellectual pizazz to grasp how things could be. And many of them don't want to talk about what could change or whether some reforms have both positive and negative effects - they just want you agree with every single last thing they say.

i think that's part of it, partly couched in a moral realist position about "well we know what education shd be and what it's for"

this is prompted by some "let's cram more kids into HE campaign" i got a note about today which made me roll my eyes because it's such an unthought through policy anyway - like just "being in HE" is great and it's not a contested, socially shifting project, but then i also thought what the kind of "campaign for old-fashioned shitty education" crew wd say and felt uneasy at sharing similar thinking ground

it's a funny mix, is it, of ppl who would rather have education in very defined streams of vocational for the right sort and culture for the right sort, and then the rush towards 'everyone should be filled full of the wonders of education cos that's all that's wrong with humans *hearts 4 eyes*' and trying to pick a path that's beneficial and workable between these and twelve other competing falsehoods nb there is no money for such a path in any case.

this is it, our education system is a mish-mash of deliberate intentions and out-dated intentions and "hey we've always done it this way why would we change?" and evil plutocrats trying to obtain the cheapest possible wage fodder. maybe, probly, all education systems are that. it's just when people refuse to see this that you get a kind of glassy-eyed cant about "standards" and shite

oh and i saw some woman with her school-age daughter in the shopping centre this morning and my kneejerk "tsssk" turned into a "sure, it's a nice day, YOLO" in my head

Tssky on the YOLO

http://www.jonathans-stories.com/non-fiction/neurodiv.html

just saving that for myself for later reading

Uncomfortable read and bless the guy, despite me not agreeing with him.

i've read a bunch of impassioned arguments pro and con neurodiversity today.

http://radicalpsychology.org/vol7-1/boundy.html

this is a fascinating counter to Jonathan Mitchell's piece, and also contains references to a stack of interesting material.

i'm still a believer in neurodiversity as a perspective and as a movement, but it's difficult to know how to respond to voices within the autistic community that are sharply critical of the notion.

if nothing else, i've been reminded that "Nothing About Us Without Us" is a crucial demand that's still a long way from being met

sometimes i think about people of some fame - sportspeeps, actors, artists of various media - and realize that subconsciously i feel them as older than me even tho they're 10 - 20 years younger

god i want a drink or a dozen drinks but i've really mastered the art of saving myself for nothing. eventually getting by becomes this real achievable habit. bleak habit. secret of getting by = robotification.

the dry satisfaction of stayin dry.

by reference of things in other threads i don't wanna mess up - the thought gradually occurs that i've wasted enough of the intimacy i've already had to think about creating new intimacies. for what? wd only waste again. even if it were possible to abstract something that only grows organically...can't follow this train now. evening thoughts just lost in the dry country.

i don't know if this distance is all in my head or if my loved ones get a sense of it without understanding or realizing that it's there. i don't know what the gap is that i want to close. i don't know why i'm enveloped in this bubble, or if it can burst.

i dunno what i'm saying. or why.

Dear Mr B_______,

A 12-year-old boy from Kenya was asked to give a TED talk. Although nervous and inexperienced in English, he told his story before a crowd of hundreds. And when he finished, the response was immediate - a full standing ovation.

Thanks CMI! Gonna go out there today and be the best 12-year-old boy from Kenya I can be!

ugh weather ugh this country ugh rationalism ugh taking care of business ugh happy robot

mouldy empty dissatisfied cynicism - not cynicism really, just whatever the word is for being epically, Huysmannically jaded - is an energy, tbh

Totes

Tho it's mostly harnessable only in at best useless directions perhaps

probly yeah, but sometimes being a headless chicken seems to be all people want of you

Far be it from me to define 'direction' as a value judgement hey

sometimes i realize i've got to be in the same place doing a thing for the next 2 or 3 hours and i get this weird shudder at the impossible prospect of making that time go past, like i dunno how it'll happen

"all things must pass" is a phrase (from one of the Stoics I think) I often call to mind when I have to e.g. sit through an incredibly tedious meeting

yeah, it's not quite that i'm bored - moment to moment i don't think i'm ever bored - more of a psychic/physical jolt at the entrance to a tunnel with no visible exit

it's the same old same old really - i keep pumping my legs cos everybody else is doing it and there are people cheering on the sidelines but i still don't get why everybody doesn't just lie down and look at the clouds and let the world slide out from underneath

Cirrocumulative effect

i finally found out what TED stands for. pah, i spit on your "Entertainment".

do you know the story of the beggar in Augustine's Confessions, nv? vibe with him

i realised when i logged off earlier, a lot of this talk, aimlessness, emptiness is tied into my drink demon. i don't say the feelings don't exist or aren't valid, but this whole empty plain always has booze standing at the other end of it, waving me over and promising to make things different. don't really need that kind of different in my life now, tho i guess i'm accepting of some more complicated relationship with intoxication.

anyway the beggar doesn't read a bell, i'm gonna read about him.

sometimes on very dark very rainy mornings when my debts fiscal and ethical are piling higher by the hour i get so worried that i won't be able to escape the pit i've dug myself into that i cannot concentrate on anything more than the blather of the internet. which kinda digs the pit a little deeper tbh. surfacewise i look okay tho so the question as to whether it's better to fear my own imminent undoing or the longer term inevitable dissolution and defeat of everybody i love is academic, at best.

feeling of being 12 and in deep trouble, welcome back.

We maybe shouldnt talk late at night huh

am occupied territory but by what exactly i don't know. or disputed territory rather. got duty to fulfil whilst hiding from mean emails. there's a scary savage-looking intolerance just under the surface of lots of people in their work duds, tho maybe that same distaste for foolishness follows them around outside too.

i drink coffee and flick over to a work-looking file real quick whenever somebody gets near my shoulder.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_territorial_disputes

i know there was at one point in time at least the possibility of meaning

xp lol talking late at night is not really a problem i hope

i think i've got precious few resources for dealing with the storm because god knows my mom and dad was never much good at making everything feel better in the first place

not sure that this is a question but i'm increasingly consumed with the feeling that there's an unbridgeable gap between me and the kids - by extension between me and everybody else but i don't really give one about that - but the gap is only in me, on my side. i don't know why this is. feel like i'm failing but don't know at what, not guiding them enough or supporting them enough or something that i can't talk to them about, it wd sound like crazy ramble, but here i am, sorry for letting them down in some invisible way, letting myself go down and thinking where the hell will i end up cos the safety net seems to have gone down there

can't get close to anybody including myself and am typing to try to make the gap close or just to keep my brain semble activity

Smaller focus mayne imo, smaller focus

can't focus at all tbh

really, this:

These days, when alone and anxious, I type out all my thoughts until I'm exhausted by them, then return to them later and am amazed! at what I was thinking.

― flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 2 November 2013 19:15 (3 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

and then this:

Please ignore this, I know I'm a whiny asshole, I just had to get this down so I can get back to work.

― CAROUSEL! CAROUSEL! (Telephone thing), Tuesday, 5 November 2013 00:43 (9 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

except i think pretending to work is gonna have to do today. and i'm rubbish at that.

on a brighter note i am thinking of retreating into as much 17th century history as i can lay hands to

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That is a good plan. The 17th century is where i hibernate.