Depression and what it's really like

so sick of ppl that i have ostensible BUSINESS with not returning my e-mail. you've already told me you want to work with me on this project; why are you going radio silent now and ignoring my polite follow-up?

really depressed about this today. i just want to get things done and people are wasting my time.

i havent posted on this thread in forever but *catches up* i'm going to be using the GRAPES anagram, for real. i'm having a lot of trouble doing anything and just punishing myself for not doing anything. my BF's still constantly out of town taking care of his dad, and it's really taxing for him for 1000 reasons. being by myself all the time, i just get worried thinking about what he's experiencing, and then get depressed, and then fall into weird negative thought patterns - sometimes I really can't stop myself from thinking one really terrible, brief image over and over - it's like my mind constructs the worst possible thing for me to see and presents it over and over and over. the slowly building pressure to think to anything else and the inability to do so creates pressure in my chest. i know that unwanted negative thoughts are a stress symptoms, but i'm just stressing mySELF out because i just lack motivation to accomplish tasks, because depression, and intrusive thoughts. ugh. i really didn't mean to post this long, i was just gonna be like hey GRAPES!

also i'm just going to go ahead and think that the "gentle" in GRAPES means taking time to be gentle to a little animal. thanks.

ha, I am doing the GRAPES thing too, and yesterday "gentle" = laundering a load of bras

did you use gentle cycle?!

yay GRAPES!

xp - I did! And gentle organic laundry soap!

also i'm just going to go ahead and think that the "gentle" in GRAPES means taking time to be gentle to a little animal. thanks.

― 1 P.3. Eternal (roxymuzak), Thursday, August 22, 2013 1:50 AM (11 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

could this be...............1 hastings

oui

<3

is that who i hope it is.

si.

<3

I still don't totally get all the grapes categories.

like what?

mind, welch's sparkling white, ???

what is GRAPES???

oh wait nm, I ctrl+f'd.

http://cdn3.faniq.com/images/polls/large/235532-1.jpg

today out of grapes i did: GAPS

i did A and sort of E but not really

can petting my cat be G or R or P? i guess i don't really get G

GAPS is pretty good! that's like an extra A all by itself

I interpret G as "good for you" in a low key way? I think late great explained it better upthread

g means do something to reward yourself for being a good person (since we depressed people tend to punish ourselves)

petting cat i would guess is R

P is like a hobby

of course there's lots of overlap

could P also = sex?

p is indulging yourself for sure

sex, or gross food

sex could also be exercise + social!

schedule six different things to do in a weekend seems... lofty

every day!

i was not familiar with GRAPES but i am stealing that

yeah me too, sounds effective.

Looked up GRAPES too. Saved it.

I just don't like how the categories are not discrete.

Is there a disorder in which someone basically needs something to take up 90% of their thoughts, like if they don't latch onto a weird fantasy world or mundane work-related obsession they end up just ruminating 100% of the time (even in dreams) on something terrible, embarrassing, otherwise painful? Is that just depression?

Sounds more like anxiety. You might not feel anxious emotionally, if it's a gen. anxiety disorder. Also possible OCD, but it's not one you can/ should try to self-diagnose. Is it causing problems?

that sounds a lot like how my friend with OCD describes his particular brand of OCD, but again, self-dx or dx-by-internet is inadvisable. If your intrusive thoughts are causing problems or being disruptive to your life, definitely worth talking to your doctor or getting an appointment with a shrink.

i've got that going on roxy. if i didn't have a grab bag of shit i'm dealing with i'd love to name it, but being this far on my "life journey" i've found that it relates to actual, brain-tangible things that have to be dealt with, and oftentimes it has almost nothing to do with what i'm worrying about! bouncing off silby's post, if it's causing a problem in your life then working with a therapist can give you an opportunity to dig into it.

http://assets.amuniversal.com/36d7feb0ed2501300bbf001dd8b71c47

Chuck otm

completely OTM

today what i want more than anything is to not feel guilty any more and i swear that's how i'm going to live from now on, without guilt.

so the next person that wants to bitch about me because i can take my children to an event but i can't make it into a fuckpit office can go and fuck themselves backwards for all i care.

Sounds more like anxiety. You might not feel anxious emotionally, if it's a gen. anxiety disorder. Also possible OCD, but it's not one you can/ should try to self-diagnose. Is it causing problems?

― you may not like it now but you will (Zora), Thursday, September 5, 2013 7:58 PM (2 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yep. it comes and goes, but it interferes with everything

Sorry to hear that. You should try to see a professional, if you have that option. If not, the main thing NOT to do is to worry about it. Trying hard to banish the thoughts can make it worse. Try googling 'intrusive thoughts', steer clear of the people trying to sell you solutions, you should find some coping techniques. Visualisations of calming scenes can work, and I haven't tried it but I've heard a lot about the ol' rubber band trick and it seems to work for some people.

Really in a bad place, unfortunately. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't read, can't enjoy enything. My mind is a mess. Still, no suicidal thoughts, so should be able to stay out of hospital. Got out of the house for a bit today, but didn't talk to anywan. Don't want to lie inbed in this empty nothing despair state, but also don't want to go to hospital until breaking bad is over :) just kidding. Got some sleeping pills but I can't even keep my regular meds down. Was going to buy a violin tomorrow, but doubt it. Kind of worried because I'm not in a crying sort of down, but moving more towards the complete nothingness down, which can be more dangerous for me. Impressed I wrote this - most I've communicated in days. took long enough though. :) Sorry for nonsense - I know it's none of your concern. It'll pass anyway - I always have to remember that passes. inductive reasoning. Could do with a drink - maybe my sobriety meds are interfering with my usual ones. Monday tomorrow, I can check with my psych, maybe. I just want some rest.

roxy not to be a shill for BIG PHARMA but I sometimes have anxiety that manifests as intrusive thoughts and xanax is a fucking miracle. I can actually hear the thoughts just fade away into nothingness and it is so peaceful and great. You may be able to get an rx from a gp, too, rather than having to see a psychiatrist. Just a data point for you as you consider your options.

dowd, don't apologise for being depressed on the depression thread, that's crazy! j/k

try sleep meditations, there are lots on youtube. Most of them are bonkers but can still be soothing.