My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

Not all messages are displayed: show all messages (498 of them)

View Previous Page...

Keep them coming, Matos!

― Nicole (Nicole), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:44 (twenty-three years ago)

I didn't think it was possible, but I think these are getting funnier with each one. I fear #100.

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 17:46 (twenty-three years ago)

There's a screenplay here somewhere.

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:19 (twenty-three years ago)

Especially if Matos is secretly a precocious smart-alec monkey.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:27 (twenty-three years ago)

that's no secret!

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:28 (twenty-three years ago)

There's a screenplay here somewhere.

No no no, a Fox sitcom!

― j.lu (j.lu), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:30 (twenty-three years ago)

that's no secret!

I think it should be one in the movie. Last scene, Matos rips off the mask, "WA-HA! I am secretly a monkey!", and then Chris looks straight at the camera and delivers a zinger.

― Tep (ktepi), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty-three years ago)

FOX sitcom? You mean like Titus?

Because MY mother was engaged to the real-life father that that sitcom was about.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:32 (twenty-three years ago)

oh, I thought you meant as opposed to Matos in real life. ; )

― hstencil, Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-three years ago)

Re. Chronicles of George: George bears an astonishing resemblance to my semiliterate tech support coworker. Astonishing.

― amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:33 (twenty-three years ago)

Matos should secretly be dead, and Chris should turn out to actually be a girl

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:35 (twenty-three years ago)

(you are all mentalists and I am very afraid)

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 18:36 (twenty-three years ago)

this thread has basically become a "copy and paste posts which make you laugh aloud" thread. more, please.

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:22 (twenty-three years ago)

"You lie like a kite" enters the ILXicon now.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:28 (twenty-three years ago)

Matos is the new Margaret Cho. Replace crazy chinese mother with crazy ex-stepfather and there you go. Except for that part about you being a huge gay icon, but I wouldn't know.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:36 (twenty-three years ago)

I don't know, he's pretty fabulous.

― NA. (Nick A.), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:39 (twenty-three years ago)

crazy chinese mother

korean

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-three years ago)

I can just see the promo for the Matos Show. Him running through the streets chased by his gay fans, he rounds a corner and while his fans try to catch up he sees a drag queen and changes clothes with her. And the fans run by drag-Matos without a glance, after which matos looks in the camera and holds up a roll of Matos, the swishmaker.

I should really get back to work, sorry.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:45 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh right on Jody. I think I was thinking of my mother.

― Carey (Carey), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:50 (twenty-three years ago)

16. One day Chris and James went fishing; I tagged along. "Bring a can of corn," James advised Chris, "it makes good bait." (This wasn't full-on fishing, btw--we'd be lucky if we caught a sunfish.) So we drive an hour out to the spot, get out the tackle boxes and rods, and I say, "Hey, did you bring the corn?" (I was intrigued because I was eight years old and had never heard of using corn for fish bait.) "Yep," he said--and whipped out a can of creamed corn. It turned out not to be a big deal, though, since he forgot to bring a can opener.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 19:55 (twenty-three years ago)

17. Fourth of July, 1984. We decide to drive out to the woods and have a picnic. So we make sandwiches, get chips, and fill a cooler with ice, soda, beer, and Klondike Bars, and begin the journey. The trip took an hour.

"The Klondike Bars all melted!" I cried when we opened the cooler. "So has all the ice!"

"I fucking told you not to put the cooler in the trunk," my mother scolded.

"That's never fucking happened before!" Chris swore.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:00 (twenty-three years ago)

18. One day, driving us to our great-aunt's house, Chris took a wrong turn onto a one-way street. He averted there oncoming cars and narrowly avoided a collision with a parked one before finally making it down the block and turning the correct way. There was about a minute of silence, while my mother and I could finally breathe again (my brother, who was less than a year old, was also in the car).

Suddenly, Chris beamed. "Man!" he said. "I must be the best fucking driver in the world! Anyone else would have gotten into in accident, but I avoided all those cars [that were headed straight at me because I was stupid enough to make a wrong turn on a fucking one-way residential street], and none of us got hurt." He concluded cockily: "I'm a great fucking driver."

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:06 (twenty-three years ago)

I love these stories!

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:39 (twenty-three years ago)

Anthony Worrel Thompson is married to the daughter of the guy who owns the shop next to my house. Interesting celebrity gossip is what I am full of.

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:44 (twenty-three years ago)

http://pages.ripco.net/~dymaxia/freeper.jpeg

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:51 (twenty-three years ago)

i wish i knew someone with the second name moran

― Ronan (Ronan), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 20:58 (twenty-three years ago)

Very minor photoshopping could address it to Rick Moranis. I still think it's Jesse Ventura holding the sign.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:06 (twenty-three years ago)

i really do know someone with the first name moran, tho that doesn't help much.

matos, you deserve all the happiness that life can bring.

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:06 (twenty-three years ago)

This thread makes me want to scoop up the eight year old Matos and give him hugs and ice cream.

(I should be working - shout at me if you see me post again)

― Anna (Anna), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:49 (twenty-three years ago)

no time travel interceptions on matos' behalf please, facetime with chris clearly shaped him into the matos we know and love today (he knows this to be true)

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 21:57 (twenty-three years ago)

i suddenly have such a better understanding of all my neighbors

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:04 (twenty-three years ago)

jesus christ, matos!!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:06 (twenty-three years ago)

(although if their kids can turn out 1/2 as okay as matos did, we're all gonna be alright)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:09 (twenty-three years ago)

(nb: obv this isn't likely)

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:09 (twenty-three years ago)

not living near you it ain't

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:12 (twenty-three years ago)

my dad was no bright spot either, mind

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:13 (twenty-three years ago)

I love my dad

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:42 (twenty-three years ago)

you're lucky! i think that's pretty rare, at least amongst peoples i know

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:43 (twenty-three years ago)

do these people like sports?

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:56 (twenty-three years ago)

varies

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:57 (twenty-three years ago)

it's the glue to male bonding

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 22:59 (twenty-three years ago)

i like my dad lots and his love of sport is even less than mine = zero in both cases

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 23:01 (twenty-three years ago)

the math is wonky but the fact is true

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 23:01 (twenty-three years ago)

there are alternate glues

shared geekiness=glue to male bonding

sports most common, but 'culture' does as well

― James Blount (James Blount), Tuesday, 6 May 2003 23:06 (twenty-three years ago)

I read some of the earlier entries today to my coworkers on our drive down to San Diego and they were almost crying with laughter. I fear what the rest of these entries will do to them. ;-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:28 (twenty-three years ago)

The Fuddrucker story is still my favorite one.

― Eve, Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:28 (twenty-three years ago)

me too, although I'm partial to Fuddrucker stories in general (are there any Fuddrucker's left?)

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:37 (twenty-three years ago)

Yes! At least in this corner of the Midwest.

― Nicole (Nicole), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:38 (twenty-three years ago)

There were a couple in San Diego in the eighties, probably gone now...

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:42 (twenty-three years ago)

there was one in Athens - I took a date their in ninth grade, she didn't like cheese, the date didn't go well - but it closed long ago. every other business that's opened up in that building hasn't lasted more than a year, year and a half either so it's not specific to Fuddruckers.

― James Blount (James Blount), Wednesday, 7 May 2003 01:47 (twenty-three years ago)

Skipping 398 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

― brotha george lynch hung (how's life), Tuesday, 13 August 2013 17:31 (twelve years ago)

one year passes...

still classic

― Roz, Wednesday, 27 August 2014 15:51 (eleven years ago)

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!" still goes through my head on a regular basis.

― Okay, there's lil' Zipper again (Dan Peterson), Wednesday, 27 August 2014 16:21 (eleven years ago)

"You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time."

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 09:58 (eleven years ago)

The idea probably comes from fluorescent lights, which do need a brief power spike to excite the plasma. The integral of this power spike is probably negligible. Turning on and off frequently could more quickly bring about a failure mode, though.

― post...aftermath (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 14:22 (eleven years ago)

yeah i think this was only ever true of the type of lights they had in institutional buildings... classrooms, hospitals, etc.

my gf does tell me not to turn the TV off if I'm going to turn it on again w/in 30 minutes but i'm prett skeptical.

anyway i had forgotten this thread. good times. where is matos now?

― I dunno. (amateurist), Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:48 (eleven years ago)

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

i think so. i definetely used to think this. it's called lazy justifications for laziness syndrome, probably (http://rebelzen.com/2008/09/10-reasons-why-being-a-lazy-dude-is-actually-a-good-thing/ NUMBER 1, in a way)

― Ludo, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:51 (eleven years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.