Blue Saturday

With light in my head
You in my arms

Are u doubting knock god help us

not my words, the words of Top Gear magazine

rilly all i wanted from life was too be an ethologist

good therapy session today. realised my compulsion for playing the beginnings of games over and over until i get them just right has broader implications for how my head works. also realised i can be a fundamentally self-centered twat and still incapable of tending to my own needs. yay progress!

but i didn't know about ethology until it were too late

What does using a game genie say about one

don't get me started on cheats, i'm forever moaning at our Joel

also realised i can be a fundamentally self-centered twat and still incapable of tending to my own needs

Christ, trying to catch a truth bomb descending on the perpendicular here.

i just had a real brute of a crush dream on an old flirty friend

ouch, it hurts

My quickest route into town is along one of Hull's old drains, just near the back of my house

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000510_zps0476eb46.jpg

and past the shells (possibly functional) of ornate old schools etc.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000516_zpsd1510665.jpg

I like how the logo looks kinda Hebrew here as I skirt thru the industrial belt

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000525_zps11287c76.jpg

and into the beating heart of the metropolis.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000538_zps34a9c503.jpg

took a walk thru the back of the Wilberforce institute

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000554_zpsb7ee6fb5.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000555_zpse013670b.jpg

and down to the river

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000568_zpsabeafd59.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000565_zps774e2599.jpg

Hull looks deserted, and also beautiful!

i was walking back routes and it was reasonably early i guess - have a thing for keeping people out of my pictures

dreamed about booze and sex most of last night...for some reason

woke up too late to want to go in to work - have missed the last 9 days - the office is empty and the consequences ought to be kind of less but they won't be, i know someone will be monitoring this but i don't want to explain until i can walk back in there and talk to somebody face to face - maybe Monday

haven't spoken to another person since Monday.

none of this bothers me as such but my sleep cycle is so out of whack everything is slightly dreamy/zombie. am kinda monk-like and blithe, on the whole, except for the shadows of irl shit waiting to hit home and bust this bubble

but my only worry worries are external i guess, carry on for other people, don't drift away, don't perma-sleep. trly near careless.

ha i remember i dreamt about The Colour of Pomegranates and a redacted ILXor too - not in a booze or sex context, i swear - i have no idea where the film came from - but i saw a guy eating figs on TV last night, maybe that was in the chain

or Persephone ate pomegranates maybe? nice thinking Mr Jung

i see the path thru this shit every night, late, for a shiny 5 minutes. it's gone again in the morning and i'm back to gnawing at my paws.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/17751_10151507110371875_1174925508_n.jpg

tearing up a bit, soz

:(

i don't want to try to force a bright side on you, but that is a tremendous kid you've got there

yeah the photos i've seen are funny as...i think she's trying to blag a part in Annie there

hahaha, that sounds about right

that is one magical little lighthouse you have there, NV

keep your eye fixed steadfastly in her direction <3

I love her!

Hugs to you NV.

not being next to wayne rooney is doing wonders for her spirits

haha

I've loved her for longer, and she's IN MY CITY! That is excellent.

You've got an amazingly beautiful girl NV. At the very least, there is that.

Hugs to you <3

thx, she the best. she'll be home monday and i'll have my shit laundered by then.

set the alarms, got up when the back-up went off, crawled downstairs, shaved, trimmed ma beard, peered disapprovingly at my eye-bags, couldn't face dressing, couldn't face work, can't lose weight, can't think, can't plan, can't handle being in my mid-forties, substitute video games for life, mid-life forever

ech

dreamed i was a time-traveller being hung for murder, something about a liquor competition, something about an arms race that went backwards in time to the Big Bang, something about guns and loss

HANNAH WANTS IS THE MFING BOMB YEAAAAAAAAAAH

its raining. i've been to the bank. i've woken up at 4am every day for the last week with a feeling of complete and utterly real dread. in the next fortnight i have to finish an MA thesis which is so bad so far that i can't help feeling like the last two years were even more of a waste of time/effort/money than I already did, move house, find a full time job. help me. Help me NV.

:(

you're clutching at the wrong hand and i wish you wasn't
i dunno man
THIS TOO SHALL PASS

your perspective on your MA is almost certainly wrong and the whole thing will look different from the other side of finished
don't edit at the same time as writing - sit down and write, don't think, don't look back - next day go back and edit what you've written - alternate process until done - the internal critic is just a drag when you're trying to create so keep it out of the process

i mean houses and jobs right? shit scares me too but i forget that there's BILLIONS of people who get by and don't get hung up too bad on that shit?

good luck dude, head down for the finishing line then take a guilt free week of doing what the fuck ever

tonight Matthew i'm going to be Arthur Morrison

http://www.londonfictions.com/uploads/3/5/0/5/3505647/7845199.jpg?238

airplane -> Brazil -> rainforest -> solid gone, sorted

Sage words upthread but I would amend "doing what the fuck ever" to "acquiring a box set of diagnosis:murder and then watching it"

i watched Murder She Wrote this morning there was some dope shoulder pads thought of our own Homo II

Good show

http://www.yelp.ie/biz/the-welcome-inn-dublin

seriously how good does this place sound tho

it sounds very good indeed

rockabilly sundays makes me want to move there.

sometimes just the language of job adverts makes me a bit teary.

plus the apparent lack of jobs that i'm qualified or capable of doing.

so, the age-old game of "going to sort my shit out. fuck, i'm near unemployable. might as well let my shit stay unsorted. rinse. repeat."

fuck this country, world, me. just need to let go of life really.

had good man to man with the boy last night tho about the importance of pursuing your goals whole-heartedly as you reach adulthood, aka "stop tooling about on the internet quite so much".

pleasantly unworried about my kids, who are much smarter and full of life and brain and willpower than i'm ever likely to be.

and it's sunny today, and perhaps the secret is just to welcome oblivion full on. at 44. dick.

best wishes NV

^ not worth much but it's all I've got

i'm blasting PE and washing dishes then cooking breakfast, ain't no moment bad in itself.

while the kids are here, anyway.

Is The Welcome Inn still open? I'd heard it closed down. Used to go there from a v young age (I remember the landlord giving me a free pint on my 18th birthday.) Was a brilliant pub and my first experience of going to a pub where you could walk in and be sure you'd know somebody.

Went back about 3/4 years ago and it hasn't changed a bit.

I heard it was gone though, recently.

yes, best wishes. PE sound like the best option at the moment.

it's one of those days where the clarity of light and cooler-than-summer sunny weather shout DO SOMETHING and I was going to just immerse myself in books, but it's a day that feels too pregnant with possibility (illusion) to do that.

so am standing on the south bank (ikr) watching things go by and trying to hang out a hook to catch something, anything that might justify the day before it solidifies with the light into something experienced.

tired and puffy-feeling from a week of too much drinking.

yr children sound wonderful NV, and yr love for them and descriptions of them make my heart feel full by proxy. (partly also the existential sketchiness brought on by tiredness and drink).

remember meeting a friend who'd just had a baby and it bought home forcefully the transformative effect of having people who you care about more than yourself. I'm not there, and I feel old, corrupt, sick - sick of myself (as in an illness caused by me as well as self-contempt), but yr posts remind me it is there, and so there is also somewhere a substantial feeling that make me not wish for oblivion. memory and hope rather than the now maybe.

best of luck.

language of job adverts

Job adverts are particularly bad for generating worries about not measuring up to some false overblown standard.

i know! but even as i'm aware of this i'm thinking "no way do i measure up to a world where people think like this"

Useful exercise would be to imagine an advert for yr current or past job tbh, it helps to compare the bullshit speak (or alternatively eh proves you can blag it)

^^^ Have done this

really enjoy doing career questionaires, it's such a shame when there's no actual jobs to be won at the end of them