Blue Saturday

can only write as an outside observer, even after being here for 25-odd years, so my sense of the real is filtered through my permanent exile shtick.

if I had to gossip about City itself, well, I hear stories that all is less than harmonious in the boardroom

that's the case all around the hyperinflated world of loss that is football

oh Dr Seligman your scientific principles seem quite reasonable but yr conservatism and moral realism make it a real struggle to have faith in the mindset you're promoting. still you seem to have my number, thinkingwise. one more line about brokers and i swear i'm throwing the book tho.

pished and shlipping into shleep is no way to go thru work, son

felt like i scrubbed my teeth for an hour this morning and i still feel like i've got a mouthful of kebab

and i think i can see a way thru the mire but it mostly involves not getting drunk

and no longer staring into the void of self-help gurus

so many perversions of the Tao

it's a beautiful day to be a tree

a sell-out, not so much

Dr Seligman tells me i shdn't think of myself as a sell-out, just somebody who has sold out a few times

this civilization is dirty and sick and wants bulldozing

Lord grant me the etc to etc

yah i know i just wanna sleep under a tree tho

i'm secretly listening to Eno/Budd and trying to throw out the odd comment that looks like i'm in the zone

dammit why isn't their an album rip of Fisherman's Blues on Youtube?

far away from dry land and its bitter memories

The auld fella sold out, he's commanding pleasure cruisers now. Lyfe.

They were about him here and there, with heads still bowed in their crimson halters, waiting for it to melt in their stomachs. Something like those mazzoth: it's that sort of bread: unleavened shewbread. Look at them. Now I bet it makes them feel happy. Lollipop. It does. Yes, bread of angels it's called. There's a big idea behind it, kind of kingdom of God is within you feel. First communicants. Hokypoky penny a lump. Then feel all like one family party, same in the theatre, all in the same swim. They do. I'm sure of that. Not so lonely. In our confraternity. Then come out a bit spreeish. Let off steam. Thing is if you really believe in it. Lourdes cure, waters of oblivion, and the Knock apparition, statues bleeding. Old fellow asleep near that confessionbox. Hence those snores. Blind faith. Safe in the arms of kingdom come. Lulls all pain. Wake this time next year.

With light in my head
You in my arms

Are u doubting knock god help us

not my words, the words of Top Gear magazine

rilly all i wanted from life was too be an ethologist

good therapy session today. realised my compulsion for playing the beginnings of games over and over until i get them just right has broader implications for how my head works. also realised i can be a fundamentally self-centered twat and still incapable of tending to my own needs. yay progress!

but i didn't know about ethology until it were too late

What does using a game genie say about one

don't get me started on cheats, i'm forever moaning at our Joel

also realised i can be a fundamentally self-centered twat and still incapable of tending to my own needs

Christ, trying to catch a truth bomb descending on the perpendicular here.

i just had a real brute of a crush dream on an old flirty friend

ouch, it hurts

My quickest route into town is along one of Hull's old drains, just near the back of my house

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000510_zps0476eb46.jpg

and past the shells (possibly functional) of ornate old schools etc.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000516_zpsd1510665.jpg

I like how the logo looks kinda Hebrew here as I skirt thru the industrial belt

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000525_zps11287c76.jpg

and into the beating heart of the metropolis.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000538_zps34a9c503.jpg

took a walk thru the back of the Wilberforce institute

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000554_zpsb7ee6fb5.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000555_zpse013670b.jpg

and down to the river

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000568_zpsabeafd59.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/P1000565_zps774e2599.jpg

Hull looks deserted, and also beautiful!

i was walking back routes and it was reasonably early i guess - have a thing for keeping people out of my pictures

dreamed about booze and sex most of last night...for some reason

woke up too late to want to go in to work - have missed the last 9 days - the office is empty and the consequences ought to be kind of less but they won't be, i know someone will be monitoring this but i don't want to explain until i can walk back in there and talk to somebody face to face - maybe Monday

haven't spoken to another person since Monday.

none of this bothers me as such but my sleep cycle is so out of whack everything is slightly dreamy/zombie. am kinda monk-like and blithe, on the whole, except for the shadows of irl shit waiting to hit home and bust this bubble

but my only worry worries are external i guess, carry on for other people, don't drift away, don't perma-sleep. trly near careless.

ha i remember i dreamt about The Colour of Pomegranates and a redacted ILXor too - not in a booze or sex context, i swear - i have no idea where the film came from - but i saw a guy eating figs on TV last night, maybe that was in the chain

or Persephone ate pomegranates maybe? nice thinking Mr Jung

i see the path thru this shit every night, late, for a shiny 5 minutes. it's gone again in the morning and i'm back to gnawing at my paws.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/17751_10151507110371875_1174925508_n.jpg

tearing up a bit, soz

:(

i don't want to try to force a bright side on you, but that is a tremendous kid you've got there

yeah the photos i've seen are funny as...i think she's trying to blag a part in Annie there

hahaha, that sounds about right

that is one magical little lighthouse you have there, NV

keep your eye fixed steadfastly in her direction <3

I love her!

Hugs to you NV.

not being next to wayne rooney is doing wonders for her spirits

haha

I've loved her for longer, and she's IN MY CITY! That is excellent.

You've got an amazingly beautiful girl NV. At the very least, there is that.

Hugs to you <3

thx, she the best. she'll be home monday and i'll have my shit laundered by then.

set the alarms, got up when the back-up went off, crawled downstairs, shaved, trimmed ma beard, peered disapprovingly at my eye-bags, couldn't face dressing, couldn't face work, can't lose weight, can't think, can't plan, can't handle being in my mid-forties, substitute video games for life, mid-life forever

ech

dreamed i was a time-traveller being hung for murder, something about a liquor competition, something about an arms race that went backwards in time to the Big Bang, something about guns and loss

HANNAH WANTS IS THE MFING BOMB YEAAAAAAAAAAH

its raining. i've been to the bank. i've woken up at 4am every day for the last week with a feeling of complete and utterly real dread. in the next fortnight i have to finish an MA thesis which is so bad so far that i can't help feeling like the last two years were even more of a waste of time/effort/money than I already did, move house, find a full time job. help me. Help me NV.

:(

you're clutching at the wrong hand and i wish you wasn't
i dunno man
THIS TOO SHALL PASS

your perspective on your MA is almost certainly wrong and the whole thing will look different from the other side of finished
don't edit at the same time as writing - sit down and write, don't think, don't look back - next day go back and edit what you've written - alternate process until done - the internal critic is just a drag when you're trying to create so keep it out of the process

i mean houses and jobs right? shit scares me too but i forget that there's BILLIONS of people who get by and don't get hung up too bad on that shit?

good luck dude, head down for the finishing line then take a guilt free week of doing what the fuck ever

tonight Matthew i'm going to be Arthur Morrison

http://www.londonfictions.com/uploads/3/5/0/5/3505647/7845199.jpg?238

airplane -> Brazil -> rainforest -> solid gone, sorted