Homemade Jokes

Q: Who is the greatest Ukrainian indie guitar goddess?
A: Mary Timoshenko

Why did Sean connery take an assertiveness course?

Because he wanted to get more pushy.

brilliant

That is great.

Q: How do you call your German grandma?
A: On the Deutsche Gramma-phone

Ha!

connery one is killing me

Q: What did Pink Floyd do after they wrote Wish You Were Here?
A: Push Syd Barrett out the window

Q. what Disney pop starlet is known for her ability to sing 32nd notes?
A. hemisemidemilovato

oh shit!

Did you hear Miss Cleo went to a drag show in Puerto Rico? She said the audience was a lot of fun but the headliner was a real borinquen.

Why was there a bottle of Hendricks raffled off at the smooth R&B concert?

Because it was Ginuwin(e)

Hurting man you sure put in the legwork <3

you def get that it's a numbers game!

lo;

lol

^great homemade joek!

marc lo;

This one I came up with a looong time ago

Why are women's breasts like comic books? They were designed for small children but grown men run all the fan clubs.

ha!!

v good

Q. What did Julia Roberts say when she crashed her husband's car into the bridge?
A. "I don't care, Lyle Lovett!"

her ex-husband, but still a nice one.

I've been swimming in raw sewage. Lyle Lovett!

lmao never gonna hear that song the same again

I do actually love that

So the other day I started reading this book about the myriad difficulties that arise when trying to euthanise dogs - I did! it's a real book that exists.

AND

LET

ME

TELL

YOU

I couldn't put it down.

http://i.imgur.com/1fDus.gif

:-)

Q. why do anarchists drink herbal tea?
A. because they're wankers

It works

Hey there everybody, what's happening? So get this. At the grocery store earlier, I noticed that certain generic brand kitchen trash bags are now treated with a chemical component that absorbs foul smells. Kind of like built-in Arm and Hammer. Have you seen these? Have you seen these bags? They're called "odor control" bags, pretty cool technology. Well anyway, after reading Yahoo! OMG this morning, I got to wondering if perhaps Khloé Kardashian had not secretly hoped that Hefty might soon market a line of extra-strength trash bags durable enough to dispose of a human corpse... called Lamar Odom control bags! Cause I don't care if you have kids in the family or not, you don't want addicts in your home, folks. You do not want an addict in your home. Hey, you've been a great audience you guys, thanks so much!

Why did the two middle-aged jewish ladies decide not to stay at the Daft Punk full-album show? Because it was Humid After All.

harder, better, farkakte

I have told that Jewish lady/Daft Punk joke so many times; there are v few ppl who get it but those who do make it worth it.

friend of mine loaned me a big collection of fine art, I was like "thanks man, I appreciate it"

I like it

I don't understand it; my 5 year old could make that joke!

I thought of a really really terrible joke and it goes thus:

why did the moroccan restaurant start only serving half portions?

just cous

oh come on, that's great

Q: What did Pink Floyd do after they wrote Wish You Were Here?
A: Push Syd Barrett out the window

― i don't even have an internet (Hurting 2), Wednesday, June 26, 2013 3:59 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

missed this, feeling this

"Hey, I heard that Columbia cancelled Steve Lukather's record deal. Isn't that awful? He played a pivotal role in the band."
"In Toto?"
"Yeah, they cancelled the entire contract, not just certain clauses."

nice

somehow the awkwardness of the punchline only makes it funnier

lol

IRL LOL'd at unregistered's joke.

Q: What did the rappin' ship say when he docked safely?

A: "I'd just like to give a shout out to all my buoys!"

I just got an email from Banana Republic advertising "Party Perfect Dresses." Shows what they know - I never go to parties!

I was looking for something to masturbate to the other day, when suddenly I came upon this magazine

~*gRoAnS*~