The Apprentice UK 2013

been long-meaning to set up a tumblr of alan sugar's top bants:

[talking about palm trees]
"so did the shop assistant help or did she... palm you off?"

[after kurt mixed up inches and cm]
"miles... or kilometres as kurt would call you"

and oh so many many more

similarly, also love it when one contestant gets so caught up in the task that he/she just can't let it alone, even when it's over. eg winning team are celebrating after say, winning at a perfume task, and our truly un-fun hero will raises his glass and say

"ahh, the sweet smell of success!"

and everyone will laugh heartily

but yeah *sharp intake of breath* when pathetic posh guy was talking to dubai folk in a cod-arabic accent.

Oh, that was awful. There's always one, I sort of suspected it might be him. Eyebrows Alex seems the best of a bad bunch, yes (watch him crash and burn next week, my seal of approval is always the heralding cry of some major jizzwaddery). I sort of think that Jordan might be OK as well, then he says something stupid and I forget that he seems quite sensible in terms of getting things done. I think he'll be like Ricky last year, he'll just creep up and win it by dint of being less of a massive fucking tool. Though the foreshadowing of Sugar letting on that he knows the business plans means the whole thing is ever more of a charade then usual.

The Miles/kilometres gag at Kurt's expense is the first time I've ever laughed at one of Sugar's jokes.

btw, they all fail for not referencing either Falconhoof from Limmy's Show or the Ood from Doctor Who as we did in our house (also, seriously, wtf sort of hotel has hooded falcons? I was totally waiting for a falcon hood to be a candle-snuffer or something, but did we establish that it really is just a hood to put on an actual real falcon?)

Oh, I just remembered the bit where one of the identitwats was walking around the souk shouting "we want an oud*, does anyone have one", and I was desperately hoping that they'd be surrounded by opportunistic market traders trying to convince them that their entire backroom full of useless shite was exactly what they were after.

* might have been the coffee pot, actually, because mega-hotels often need one individual coffee pot

Yeah, I did think the "Falcon Hood" was the 'cloche' from last year.

Anyways, the big "EH???" moment was when someone (Leah?) said "Can we pay you in advance?".. um, explain what possible situation is that a good idea.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/61/BlackGrape_GreatWhenYoureStraightYeah.jpg
"It's great when you win... yeah"

honestly believe neil is one of the top 100 most despicable living englishmen. the way he launched into his motivational speech (aka great opportunity to promote his personal brand on national tv) by referencing his dad's cancer - the giveaway was how he looked directly to camera when he said the word 'cancer' to make 100% sure they'd got it. his every move seems designed to screw over his teammates first, and promote himself second.

jordan seems like an ok sort, not utterly ruthless anyway.

could barely watch some of tonight's episode, the sumo wrestler scene + build-up was excruciating. francesca coming out with all that utter garbled nonsense about 'experiences' etc. really tough going

Don't understand how Francesca didn't get the boot after Sugar going "if you bring someone in for the wrong reason you WILL be fired" then her utterly failing to justify her reasons for bringing Luisa in.

Reward was surely just so we could see Alex getting his eyebrows fake-waxed, yes?

Sugar certainly made the wrong choice there but he should have fired Luisa.

Ravens leave the Tower of London as Sugar arrives.

He's already giving the teams a bollocking and the task hasn't even started yet.

Leah's face is never going to sell anything to anyone. She's my least favourite this year.

oo shock

I felt a teensy bit sorry for Natalie. Gone right off Alex this week, really negative and moany. Jason is comedy gold. Leah should be shot headfirst into the heart of the sun.

Strange, Alex and co in the car going up, checking out all the caravan drivers' ages etc.

Then they did the opposite.

Yeah, we thought that was actually a great idea when they started checking out the people who had caravans as they were on the motorway. So stupid to ignore it.

You're Fired was dreadful - two candidates to chat to and it was all "ooh doesn't Natalie wear stupidly high shoes?". The "next week" clip was terrifying though, I fear I may not sleep after that clip of Alex in make-up.

This week's task has potential for being as bad as the 'rebrand Margate' task from a few years ago.

My hatred for Leah is bordering on the irrational now. She's so sneery!

Far enough in that I'm calling Jordan for the win (he'll be fired tonight now)

Definitely a week where the PM of the losing team gets the chop regardless.

Ie Jason
His face cracks me up

<3 u louisa

Jordan needs a pair of red braces to go with those round glasses, just to to add the final touch to his 'yuppie advertising exec' look.

I'm sure he had red braces on the other week.

(sweaty Alex cavorts around a park)
Leah: "No, this is wrong"

Alex looks like John Barrowman playing Dracula.

Alex looks fucking ridiculous and using "perverts" in a TV advert is every kind of wrong.

Oh, it was "herberts". As you were.

I can't believe this shower of shite are in the last eight. This year's candidates have really been lacking in, er, everything?

Next week:
http://prettyfantasmagorical.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/haunted-pasta.jpg?w=320
vs
http://www.thomasnet.com/articles/image/iStock_cardboard.jpg

I love Miles, he is a total dude.

That camera shot of Lear yawning whilst she watched the other teams video was classic.

depressing how they're setting up neil as 'someone who is good at business' when i can't think of anyone i'd less like to work with, or be in the same room as. genuine psychopath vibes off him. louisa is an awful human being too, those two should have got together in a coulson/brooks twinning of evil, rather than louisa and the (likeable) jordan

I basically like Jordan in the same way that I liked Ricky last year (how's his recruitment business working out for him and Sugsy, by the way?) in that he seems to have some sort of common sense and he isn't a complete fucking tool.

Yeah, some of us heard "pervert" rather than Herbert, too

How many food puns will they make us swallow tonight?

can't decide whether Oh! My! Pow! is the best or worst name in the world.

It's up there with 'Octiclean' in it's mix of clever and stupid.

i quite liked the Popty Ping idea.

blandness of food never hurt innocent veg pots.

I've got a feeling that AlSug has a soft spot for Alex (or at least his business idea), and Leah's going to get the boot.

(Miles is terrible but he knows when to soft pedal his attack)

Leah has an annoying duck face.

I like the popty ping idea to. They would have won if he had gone with his gut instinct.

Yeah I though that was a good idea. A real forehead slapping moment when Alex made the decision to go the other way.

This week, a predictable result that was signposted less than ten minutes into the episode.

Also, if all the business plans are on the table already and in play for decision-making, why are we even bothering with this charade?

Since several series back when it was apparent that the winner always bailed after a year?

Sorry, that didn't make sense. I mean, since several series back when the producers realised that the winner always bailed after a year, and that the entire idea of finding an apprentice (or business partner as it is now) was just a complete joke.

So since then the programme has been entirely about ratings and nothing else.