Funny, I just found out today that my divorce finally went through back in December. The separation began (without relapse) in Aug '06 though... so I've processed it plenty and dated a fair amount since then.
I think the amputation analogy is quite apt. Even if I don't want her back, there's still something missing.
I waited til I was in my 30s to get married, and I meant it. Unfortunately I married someone in her 20s, and I think she felt like divorce was a very simple option. In face, she continually referred to it as a breakup.
Breakups and divorces really aren't the same thing IMO.
The good news is that even in my mid 30s, I've continued to grow a great deal in ways I likely would not have, had I stayed in that relationship. It's been a difficult few years emotionally, but I have a lot to show for it.
― Nate Carson, Thursday, 12 February 2009 01:57 (fifteen years ago) link
how long did the legal process take? i know it can vary. i was a little shocked at how fast ours went through. since it was uncontested and there was nothing for a court to resolve, it was only like 60 days. was finalized a day or two after valentine's day, which was a nice little extra dagger. (all our legal paperwork and everything was done by a lawyer friend of ours who kindly and firmly refused to take any payment.)
and yeah, once it was over, the feeling of it stayed raw for quite a while. by now it's more like well-healed scar tissue -- i can think about it without getting mad or sad or all the other things it made me. but that took some years.
― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Thursday, 12 February 2009 02:40 (fifteen years ago) link
Time heals all wounds. At least, as you said, to the scar tissue phase.
We did the paperwork ourselves, and we waited several years to do it. It would have been pretty fast if there weren't so many "i's" to dot and "t's" to cross. As it was, we finally had to go into the courthouse together and get some free assistance. After that, it apparently took about 2 weeks. I only know it's done because I called and asked.
Either way, it's an empty finale.
― Nate Carson, Thursday, 12 February 2009 08:45 (fifteen years ago) link
we were together 5 years before we got married, then married for 5.
We buy scrap gold in our shop, so a lot of the time people come in to sell their wedding bands. A lot our dated ten years ago. It is strange to see how many younger people, compared to my age, are going through a divorce. A divorce seems so painful, especially when kids are involved. The ties can never be completely broken cause of the kids. Everyone is dragged into it. I hope it never happens to me. But if it does, it does.
― Nathalie (stevienixed), Thursday, 12 February 2009 08:59 (fifteen years ago) link
a lot are i meant
― Nathalie (stevienixed), Thursday, 12 February 2009 09:00 (fifteen years ago) link
my friend is getting divorced after being married 4 years. she told me today over gchat and i was just kind of like "ok" and didn't push for any more info. she just wanted me to know but i knew this would happen (should have sooner tbh) because i even tried to tell her before she got married i didn't think it was such a great idea (i didn't try *that* hard though, kinda rude). don't know what to do for her now though ˘\(o_º)/˘
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:25 (fourteen years ago) link
yeah, i'm now old enough to have lived through several of my straight friends divorces and all I can say as the bystander to this is that people who are going to get married should really talk together- a lot- about what being married means to each party, and what it doesn't mean. I have now seen a mis-match of expectations about marriage and crushing disappointment wreck at least three marriages (tho happily other straight friends are able to keep on trucking). Sucks.
― twice boiled cabbage is death, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:33 (fourteen years ago) link
I dunno, I think it depends on the nature or duration of the relationship.
― sarahel, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:33 (fourteen years ago) link
harbl i think u just need to be like hey i'm here if you need anything; maybe check in with her every couple weeks unless she tells you to step off
― call all destroyer, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:41 (fourteen years ago) link
yeah we don't even live in the same state anymore so it's hard. she seemed like she just needed something to occupy her time so i'm kinda like uh, can't help u. fortunately they already lived separate because she's still in school and he works in another city. i dunno i don't really have a problem just like wow, what would i do, you know?
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:44 (fourteen years ago) link
it happens, rite
is that why they're divorcing?
― sarahel, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:45 (fourteen years ago) link
send her some flowers or a nice present imo
― max, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:45 (fourteen years ago) link
from my friends' experience - with both divorces and break ups of really long-term relationships - the things that make it the hardest are when kids or shared property (houses, businesses) are involved.
Call all Destroyer's advice is good.
― sarahel, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:49 (fourteen years ago) link
i don't even know exactly why. i really didn't ask. i figured she would tell me sometime and i don't really have my own curiosity about this shit (not a gossiper? i don't know). i can guess well enough. they don't have any property either which is good! this is gonna be a breeze really
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:51 (fourteen years ago) link
for you or for your friend?
― sarahel, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:51 (fourteen years ago) link
for her! not really but a lot better than it could be
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:52 (fourteen years ago) link
not a problem for me if i'm not making this clear. just thinkin baout things, wishing i could have more empathy sometimes
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 03:55 (fourteen years ago) link
did they try seeing a therapist together? i have found it to be very helpful, but sometimes things are too far gone.
― velko, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:04 (fourteen years ago) link
nah i don't think it can be repaired, i think it might be for the best in the long run tbh
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:13 (fourteen years ago) link
If they're not even living in the same area, unless they had definite plans to do so in the future, I don't see the point in being married/in a relationship.
― sarahel, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:15 (fourteen years ago) link
well some people see points in different things i guess
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:19 (fourteen years ago) link
yes they do, but at that point, if it were me, I'd be asking myself a bunch of questions.
― sarahel, Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:20 (fourteen years ago) link
i don't think distance had that much to do with it but i'm not gonna spell out all the other reasons for the internet
― welcome to gudbergur (harbl), Tuesday, 29 December 2009 04:27 (fourteen years ago) link
Two of my very old good friends finalized their divorce yesterday. They were kind of my substitute parents when I moved away from home after high school to start college, both about 6 or 7 years older than I am, but always seemed far more wise than their age would dictate. I was there for the birth of their first child, spent many many hours at their house, and even sublet it from them when they moved to Denver for a couple years. A few months ago, the wife left for another guy. It wasn't sinister or anything. She wasn't sneaking around. But their relationship was clearly over. The husband had been pretty upbeat about it and going with the flow of the divorce... UNTIL TODAY. Maybe it was too soon, but the (ex) wife announced her new engagement today on Facebook and he FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT calling everyone who was congratulating her "false friends" and "inappropriate bitches".
Yeah, I concede that getting engaged the day after your divorce is final is probably a little selfish or, at the least, insensitive, but it was going to happen sooner or later.
My dilemma is that, while I still want to remain friends with the (ex) husband, it's going to be hard if he's going to be one of those guys who lashes out at people who are still friends with her as well.
How do I deal with this, ILX?
― Johnny Fever, Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:15 (fourteen years ago) link
Tell him you still like him, but plan to remain friends with his ex, and that while you will do your best not to have the two spheres overlap they may, and if he freaks the fuck out on you then fuck him in the ear because you will not be disrespected.
― Have a slice of wine! (HI DERE), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:17 (fourteen years ago) link
You can't be friends w/him if he puts you in the middle this way and you might as well tell him.
― Il suffit de ne pas l'envier (Michael White), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:19 (fourteen years ago) link
That is pretty tactless though, announcing that via FB the day after a divorce is finalized.
― he's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:20 (fourteen years ago) link
Hope he'll eventually cool down, and if he doesn't you'll, sadly, probably have to take her or his side.
― my baby's got the bans (ksh), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:21 (fourteen years ago) link
Yes, it is. And dude has a right to say so but not to make his friends draw lines in the sand over it. Just because he's close to the issuse doesn't mean their other common friends have to be unforgiving about such a gaffe.
― Il suffit de ne pas l'envier (Michael White), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:23 (fourteen years ago) link
Oh I agree with your advice and he reacted horribly, but, I'm sure it has to be difficult for him and I would hope that mutual friends might also be a little understanding of the tough mental space he's in. I'm sure he'll regret some of the things he said with time.
― he's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:26 (fourteen years ago) link
You can't be friends w/him if he puts you in the middle this way
Yeah, I've done all I can the past few months to stay OUT of the middle of this. I most definitely don't want to be dragged in now that they're officially not married anymore.
― Johnny Fever, Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:26 (fourteen years ago) link
If I were friendly with both of them I might congratulate her privately but I'd have a lot of trouble publicly oohing and ahhing and "liking this" on Facebook tbh. It would be insensitive.
― all yoga attacks are fire based (rogermexico.), Thursday, 13 May 2010 22:56 (fourteen years ago) link
Ugh, Ive been lashing out at a couple of my friends recently because theyve befriended my ex's new lady, really fast - without apology - and its hard because he hooked up with her 2 days after saying we should break up. Nothing like a divorce, and I'm now just keeping it to myself, but I can understand the reaction. Its been impossibly hard to keep the bitterness and anger to myself. I dont know how it must be for long term marriage bustups.
― Eyjafjallalalalalatrolololol (Trayce), Thursday, 13 May 2010 23:29 (fourteen years ago) link
facebook ay?
how not to move on...
― not_goodwin, Thursday, 13 May 2010 23:49 (fourteen years ago) link
what about people who probably SHOULD get a divorce, but don't? I know a few folks who fall into that camp.
― homosexual II, Friday, 14 May 2010 00:15 (fourteen years ago) link
this brings up the whole, "Why get married in the first place?" question.
love.
― Daniel, Esq., Friday, 14 May 2010 00:17 (fourteen years ago) link
fear of eternal loneliness & having no one except for ilx posters to "talk" to for the rest of your life
― my baby's got the bans (ksh), Friday, 14 May 2010 00:24 (fourteen years ago) link
marriage is not a guarantee of being loved and having someone for eternity
― homosexual II, Friday, 14 May 2010 00:40 (fourteen years ago) link
you're right, it's not a guarantee.
― Daniel, Esq., Friday, 14 May 2010 01:00 (fourteen years ago) link
Tax breaks.
I kid.
― he's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Friday, 14 May 2010 01:13 (fourteen years ago) link
I was engaged once. I'm pretty sure if we'd gone through it, we'd have been divorced in three months. I'm not in a rush.
It's totally for some people, though, and I'd never begrudge them the opportunity (even those who announce they're engaged the day following their divorce, no matter how shitty that is to the ex). I wish he would've been using to the separation to work out his issues and I wish she would've waited to announce TO THE WORLD (i.e. all the mutual friends, him, their children) that she's already engaged.
― Johnny Fever, Friday, 14 May 2010 01:18 (fourteen years ago) link
I was engaged once as well, mainly due to immigration reasons (partner was canadian and gonna move to Aus). That ended, and I am also thankful, cos it really wasn't the right thing to do at all.
― Eyjafjallalalalalatrolololol (Trayce), Friday, 14 May 2010 01:23 (fourteen years ago) link
The Importance of Hating Your Ex
― mookieproof, Friday, 14 May 2010 02:21 (fourteen years ago) link
i can see where he's coming from, but yeah tbh fuck taking 'sides'
― May be half naked, but knows a good headline when he sees it (darraghmac), Friday, 14 May 2010 09:03 (fourteen years ago) link
People who boast about their engagement on FB are just sort of ridiculous anyway. It's like sending all your friends cards telling them you're engaged. WHich some people do. "Jamie and Maria are engaged" with some gold cursive script and a photo of the lovebirds inside. Or possible a little more "craftsy" if the couple has Pixies listening in their past. What is the point of this shit? If I'm really your friend, you're going to tell me about it anyway. If I'm not really your friend, why am I getting this card about your intention to bone one person exclusively for the rest of your life? Doing this on FB is even less personal, and I really wonder about the motivation behind it.
― The Clegg Effect (Tracer Hand), Friday, 14 May 2010 09:36 (fourteen years ago) link
when your parents start dropping the divorce word (when you yourself are in your thirties): still saddens you. but they won't (i hope). still, it's rather earth shattering. kinda fucking weird, cause you're an adult and you should be able to shrug it off, right?
― Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 14 May 2010 09:39 (fourteen years ago) link
I don't think you could ever casually shrug off something like that...are they already separated?
― Matt #2, Friday, 14 May 2010 10:04 (fourteen years ago) link
Nath, I hope this comes across in an understanding way, but does this put your mother's attitudes and advice about your own marriage into a different light? That, for me, would be the weirdest part.
― 3-D Whinge-ometer (Masonic Boom), Friday, 14 May 2010 10:09 (fourteen years ago) link
Got sad to see this thread bumped, glad it was just about art.
Not having experienced it, my guess is the reason that there are so few good films about divorce is similar to the reason that there are so few good films about lung cancer.
― IF (Terrorist) Yes, Explain (man alive), Wednesday, 20 December 2017 16:29 (six years ago) link
what would you say is the cheapest divorce you can get? best case scenario, both people don't really have anything of value anyway, no children, a desire to spend less than $50 each on it, and for it to be as quick and uncomplicated as possible. asking for a friend.
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 22:37 (two years ago) link
look at your local courthouse's website, they likely have something in the family law section about filing an uncontested divorce. or just go to the clerk's office (may be a separate domestic/family clerk) and ask to file one. i don't know IL law but you may have to live apart for a year first though.
― certified juice therapist (harbl), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 22:39 (two years ago) link
i mean your friend and their spouse
― certified juice therapist (harbl), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 22:40 (two years ago) link
Joint Simplified Dissolution of Marriage, looks like minimum 6 months separation
― certified juice therapist (harbl), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 22:42 (two years ago) link
oh for fuck's sake, my friend will say
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 22:47 (two years ago) link
but thank you harbl, very appreciated
divorce laws and procedures in the U.S. are VERY different depending on which state you live in
― Lee626, Tuesday, 28 September 2021 22:54 (two years ago) link
looks like the 6 months separation in IL can be used as proof of "irreconcilable differences", but it's not mandatory.
The only grounds for divorce recognized in Illinois is irreconcilable differences, which some people call no fault divorce. Illinois law defines irreconcilable differences as the “irretrievable breakdown” of a marriage. In such a case, the spouses are required to prove to the judge’s satisfaction that there is a breakdown in the marriage, that all efforts at reconciliation have failed, and that future attempts to reconcile would not be “in thebest interests of the family.”Irreconcilable differences can be proven by showing that the parties have lived separately for at least six continuous months prior to the divorce action.
Irreconcilable differences can be proven by showing that the parties have lived separately for at least six continuous months prior to the divorce action.
god, i hope they don't appoint incredibly nosey judges
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:12 (two years ago) link
judge: "have you tried listening to her? have you tried treating your anger as your friend?"
i'm not sure from that last sentence if you're correct in your interpretation. the clerk or the form they give you will be able to tell you for sure. here when a year was the requirement (i believe it has changed now) you had to have a witness testify that they know you and know you were separated for a year.
― certified juice therapist (harbl), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:16 (two years ago) link
i looked a bit more into it and came upon this: https://www.illinoisdivorce.com/grounds-for-divorce
these seem to be the salient parts. it looks like as long as both people are in agreement, it can go pretty quickly:
Illinois no longer recognizes "grounds" for divorce. There is only one option: "irreconcilable differences." Irreconcilable differences needs little definition. Technically, to be granted a divorce, one must prove:irreconcilable differences have caused the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage;past efforts at reconciliation have failed, andfuture efforts at reconciliation would be impracticable and not in the best interests of the family.750 ILCS 5/401The Six Month Separation Period: You can live together, file for divorce, finalize it the same day you file, and go back home and continue living together. The six month separation period is not a requirement -- it is an option. Living "separate and apart" for at least six months creates an irrebuttable presumption that irreconcilable differences have caused the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage....Skipping the Waiting Period: If you want to get divorced NOW and don't want to wait, that's easy enough. You need only prove the three elements laid out, above. It's simple if you both agree. You may use our Quick Online Divorce service and we'll give you a script to read to the judge at your hearing; or you may hire us to represent you in court. You'll answer 20 questions; every answer will be "yes;" ( "yes . . . yes . . . yes . . . yes"); and you'll walk out divorce. It takes about ten minutes.
Illinois no longer recognizes "grounds" for divorce. There is only one option: "irreconcilable differences." Irreconcilable differences needs little definition. Technically, to be granted a divorce, one must prove:
irreconcilable differences have caused the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage;
past efforts at reconciliation have failed, and
future efforts at reconciliation would be impracticable and not in the best interests of the family.
750 ILCS 5/401
The Six Month Separation Period: You can live together, file for divorce, finalize it the same day you file, and go back home and continue living together. The six month separation period is not a requirement -- it is an option. Living "separate and apart" for at least six months creates an irrebuttable presumption that irreconcilable differences have caused the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.
...
Skipping the Waiting Period: If you want to get divorced NOW and don't want to wait, that's easy enough. You need only prove the three elements laid out, above. It's simple if you both agree. You may use our Quick Online Divorce service and we'll give you a script to read to the judge at your hearing; or you may hire us to represent you in court. You'll answer 20 questions; every answer will be "yes;" ( "yes . . . yes . . . yes . . . yes"); and you'll walk out divorce. It takes about ten minutes.
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:31 (two years ago) link
divorce research typo hell #666: "you'll walk out divorce."
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:32 (two years ago) link
yeah i'm just probably being a paranoid lawyer and imagining a judge being like really skeptical and asking too many questions of people who don't wait but that's because i don't like judges and you will probably sail through with one who just wants to process 100 divorces today
― certified juice therapist (harbl), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:41 (two years ago) link
but that's probably a good habit for a lawyer. :)
thanks harbl!
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:45 (two years ago) link
i think i may go full tim heidecker and represent myself in court. it will be the least expensive, quickest divorce in IL history because my partner and i are still pals and we both have a deep desire to not make this complicated at all
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:46 (two years ago) link
i'll be sure to make clear to the judge that i am going for a state record. judges LOVE that shit!
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:47 (two years ago) link
i promise it will be very mundane for the judge. they also won't let you go fast because there are questions they have to ask to make sure no one is being coerced and stuff.
― certified juice therapist (harbl), Tuesday, 28 September 2021 23:55 (two years ago) link
i did something very similar to this (in tx)... all it took was filing the appropriate forms, get my spouse to sign off on them (we were in agreement about divorcing as simply as possible), then i went and represented myself in court. the judge asked me a few questions... just double checking about our division of assets and that we sure about divorcing. it cost me little more than a morning off work to get it done.
― visiting, Wednesday, 29 September 2021 00:20 (two years ago) link
that's good to hear! i am still going to try to beat your record, though
― typo hell #6: i really don't much at all (Karl Malone), Wednesday, 29 September 2021 00:32 (two years ago) link
Crazy that I posted to this thread 8 years ago.
― Legalize Suburban Benches (Raymond Cummings), Wednesday, 29 September 2021 00:35 (two years ago) link
i received a card in the mail, signed it in front of a notary, and that was it
― mookieproof, Wednesday, 29 September 2021 00:47 (two years ago) link
I did my own divorce =|
It helps that I worked in a family law firm for a year before as a paralegal. Can’t say I recommend it though. It’s like digging the grave of your marriage by yourself.
I also fucked up some fine print that resulted in my divorce getting entered in February instead of the very last day in December which added an extra year of marriage for tax purposes.
― officer sonny bonds, lytton pd (mayor jingleberries), Wednesday, 29 September 2021 20:23 (two years ago) link
I would also advise to take a deep breath, count back from 10, and maybe you'll feel all right.
― pplains, Wednesday, 29 September 2021 20:45 (two years ago) link