Let's Win the New Yorker Caption Contest

"I bet my dick looks like ants to all those people."

"...and to think-- all those fuckers thought I couldn't build a successful Fortune 500 business where every employee experiences a daily regimen of degrading sexual humiliation and brutal genital torture."

"Let's focus, people"

"Hey, we should bring back the suggest ban button" xp

"let's focus, people" kills me

yes that is brilliant. it's what a real new yorker cartoon would have as its caption but doesn't stand a chance in hell for the competition.

Thomas C Leonard, can you go ahead and submit that for me? Thanks!

- Zach

"B-b-b-butt b-b-b-butt b-b-butt...!"

"You know what gets me hard? WINNING."

"That is my vision for the company. No ifs or ands."

^ that's a winner.

looooooool

you gotta submit that DJP

I already have

Takin no chances, good man

that is one of the few times i have actually lol'd at a NYer caption, rather than mildly blowing air out of my nostrils and thinking "HMMM!"

"Let's focus, people"

― ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (Z S),

"Mother... tell your children not to walk my wayyyyy.... tell your children not to hear my words... Mother..."

"Just then we heard a crash... Donald's dick broke the glass."

"Here's my impression of GG Allin."

boo you can only submit one entry

someone enter this: "Now that the entire board has bought in, we can introduce Emperor Businesswear to the public."

also it occurs to me that the "Christ, what an asshole" caption takes on a new dimension here

"I think we will be able to attract top talent with our open floor plans, flex time scheduling, child care, telecommuting options, and casual dress code."

"Get mad you son-of-a-bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to sell real-estate?"

"I think we can all agree THAT didn't work."

"Clothing is for closers."

clothers

"...profit!"

"Lyndon Johnson taught me a lot about getting the most out of employees."

"We've had reports of some of you bringing in concealed weapons."

3 finallists from the "clockwork" pic:

"Backstabbing was already prevalent—we just added a twist."
"Be careful not to overwind—it can cost us overtime."
"And Bob, here, came to us from a jewelry box."

and this weeks pic:

http://www.newyorker.com/images/2013/04/01/p465/130401_contest_p465.jpg

"Don't order the fish."

"you bastards"

"I recommend the pizza, they have a killer oven here"

excuse the cloud-yelling but boy o boy those winning captions are garbage

yeah the backstabbing one is pure head-in hands

not that i can talk...

"This great chef, his career tragically cut short by sous-icide"

"in life, chef sought to put a piece of himself into every dish that left his kitchen. in death, at last, he has realized that ambition"

Thomas C Leonard worthy

We would like to again apologise for the spoiled broth, but we believe we've solved the problem once and for all

bit of turd polishing:

"After the service you'll all have a chance to sample pizza from the bone-fired oven."

"For once it isn't just the food that smells funny."

"don't know why you're all so sad, you didn't have to shell out for an extra large coffin to fit his stupid hat"

"He died from the condition I also have, Bechdel mouth disease. In a show of respect, tonight's supper has been slurried."

wtf alan whicker btw

"OK, We're drawing the Meat Raffle now"

"To whoever it was who complained about the Brussel Sprouts, those weren't sprouts."

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called... lunch. Electric word, lunch, it means half an hour and that's a mighty long time. But I'm here to tell ya, there's something else... dessert. A place where confectionery happens. You can always see the chocolate soufflé, day... or night. So when you call up that restaurant in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Doctor Everything-You-Can-Eat-For-A-Tenner, instead of asking them how much cake they have left, ask them how much wine. Because in this place, things are much harder for the dessert connoisseur. In this place, there's only pre-made fruit pies. So when the wine waiter tries to bring you down, go crazy... PUNCH THE MAITRE'D!"

“Nobody is leaving here until I find out who added the Hitler moustache to Chef’s corpse."

co-worker: Dead chef in the dining room.
ILXor: Yeah, I'd like to suck on some of that!
co-worker: o_O

<ILXor goes to dining room, sees it's a dead chef not some suckable foodstuff whose name sounds a bit like 'dead chef'>

ILXor: Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This new season of Iron Chef really did raise the stakes."