Dear Abbott

Hey guys I am in an answering mood.

What is the natural order of the sciences?

what should i try to draw for this show poster i am trying to make? i'm better at drawing objects than animals or people

the people on the chicago thread suggested a van. my van that i am drawing looks kind of retarded. is a retarded van good for a show poster?

Dear Abbott,

Why has my friend not been online for 10 days?

LG

"short van". xp

Dear Abbot,

I have to come up with a two word phrase to be printed on a t-shirt that has a guitar! and lightning bolts! and storm clouds! What words go there? Maybe a pun.

Looking forward to your snappy answer to my stupid question,
Elmo

Dear n/a,

I find cars difficult to draw, so that may be a reason I love illustrations of retarded vehicles of all stripe. If you're still reluctant to show yr retarded van pride to the world, I recommend: a safe, a cute UFO, a lay-z-boy chair, a windmill, or the moon getting punched by Uncle Sam (I did a band poster w/that once, you are free to use it). I would like to see your retarded van.

Yours,

retarded Abbott-van

Dear Mr. Garda,

They're probably too cold to be sitting by a computer, as it's hard to type while wearing gloves or mittens. That is the first hypothesis I came up with. Others can be provided if you like.

Yours in the cold,

Abbott

this van isn't actually turning out too bad

Dearest Mr. Argonaut,

The t-shirt should read
SEXY/TOUGH
.

That idea came from my dog, who constantly tries to get me to acknowledge that he is "sexytough." No way am I saying that about a dog. If you want an answer from me and not my dog, assuming sexy/tough is a bit much, I will help if requested.

Yours in screenprinting adventures,

Abbott

dear abbott,

do you think it's a good idea for you to be a sitewide mod since you're overly sensitive (ie: crying at cankles' lol posts) and post batshit overly personal things about yourself?

-ages

Dear libcrypt,

How the fudge am I supposed to answer that question? I recommend reading Consilience by Edward O. Wilson, who has more lucid things to say on the subject than I do.

Yours in biology geekdom,

Abbigabbott

Dear Abbott,
i lost my job before christmas and can't get motivated to find another. Got any tips?

Dear Ages,

In a 'job,' one must divorce themselves from personal biases and prejudices (in a manner that does not violate one's own deepest ethics) in order to complete tasks with a level head and tempered heart. This is something I strive to do in my modding tasks, as well as any other interactions with the public in which I have been given responsibilities. If anything, I am extremely laissez-faire as a mod.

If you knew me 'IRL,' you would find that I am overly sensitive, which leads to public crying jags, and that I say complete guano loco TMI stuff to my buds and broheems alla time. However, I strive with great success to do this on 'my own time' in a way that does not interfere with my professional and academic efforts.

In undue earnestness,

Abbott-'not a rocker'-gail

dont you think someone that doesnt cry at dumb ilx posts would be a better mod?

Dear not_goodwin,

Do you have enough money to make you feel secure in a Maslow's-bottom-of-the-pyramid way? If so, sleep 16 hours a day, or more. It will feel good for a while. However, after a few weeks you'll get so tired of sleeping that applying for jobs will not seem so bad. Alternately, you could use this time to have good, chill fun like reading library books, practicing new cooking skills, or playing video games.

If it's a case of being 'not arsed' in a way underscored by terror, just apply for one job a day. That's the minimum to feel good about looking for a job, and the maximum amount of applications to complete a day before going crazy.

Yours,

Abbott

Hey Abbott,

Your new tat is pretty dope, but as the CCA is/was a meaningless and restrictive censorial force, don't it sorta feel weird to be branded by a rating?
Also: do you own/have read Wertham's Seduction of the Innocent?
BONUS QUESTION: Should I take an offer to blog professionally once a week as a side project? I'm afraid it's going to be a headache.

I will cosign the one job a day rule, but it needs to include weekends.

Dearest Mr. Clovetofu,

I have indeed read Mr. Wertham's Seduction of the Innocent, which is about as dull any typical piece of hyperbolic punditry. It is interesting for historical reasons, however. The whole zeitgeist there was fucking loco. Poor Will Gaines, who said "Inhereit the Wind" was one of his favorite movies bcz he could relate so much from his own insane and ridiculous trial experiences.

Why the tat then? I wanted to get a tat about comics that was all-encompassing and not overdone. The whole Wertham trials were totally fascinating to me. Also, today, it's only found on the world's most inane comics, which I find endearing.

As for the blog, if you think now it's going to be a headache, it will end up being a clusterfuck migraine. Say no go.

'Comic'ally,

Abbott

Can I go home now? PLEASE?

also:

Wanna see my broken tooth?

ban chaki

Dearest Mr. Rags,

Sure, and yes.

Yours in morbid dental fascination,

Abbott

These are satisfying answers.
Important deets I left out as TMI that will probably talk me into doing the blog: 1)pays a c-note per blog 2)gets me access to cool nyc film festivals as press 3)only need to post once per week.

Dear Abbott,

What is yr fave Rudy Rucker book?

Yrs,

Libs

The picture section of Seduction of the Innocent is awesome; the closeups of elbows and knees meant to suggest vaginas and cocks are endlessly hysterical.

Mr. Clovestofu,

I say go for it, then. Extra $400 a month is in no way a piffle.

Yours in flexible advice,

Abbott

agreeded.

now i just need to see if they call me back for second conversation.

Dear Abbott,

Thanks for that advice, my friend is also v busy at work, so that and the cold may be the reasons.

On another topic, I have no idea what job I want to do for the first time in my life. Should I just do something boring or whatever I can get and let time decide for me? Or will that lead to boredom?

Also what is your favourite tea?

Sincerely

LG

Dear Mr. Garda,

Uncertainty about jobs is so common. Soooo fucking common. A boring job will motivate you to figure out what the hell it is you want to do, as I discovered while working 1.5 years at Kinko's (if nothing else, it will at least help you know what you DON'T want to do). Also you will be making money while figuring out what you do want to do, which is good.

My favorite tea is Earl Grey: I have had four glasses of it today.

Yours,

Abbott

oh, one more cuz I'm feeling chatty: have you tried KEN KEN puzzles yet?
I'm getting seriously into it and think i need to get a book of these for moments of subway mindwipe.

Dear Abbott,

I haven't driven for 15 years and I want to re-learn when I move to the US of A. I am a terrible driver because the spatial reasoning bit of my brain seems to be missing but I don't see how else I get to see cool stuff outside cities. Can you either

a) tell me rousing exciting things about your adventures in your cool car (I remember the picture) that will make me want to get on with it or
b) recommend some alternative means of American transport?

Footsoldierly,

Ljubljana

Dear Mr. Clovetofu,

I haven't tried them yet but they look way cool + way better than sudoku. I can't even do sudoku. The reason: in eighth grade algebra, our teacher wld give us 'equation crosswords' for extra credit. They were about 30x30, and you'd solve equations & fill the answer in like a crossword. We discovered we could write any old goddamned numbers and get extra credit – she never actually checked the answers. So now when I see the sudoku grid, I go back to hours of filling out those damn extra credit sheets and can only think to write a random string '0 4 3 8 1 6 6 2 4 0 9 3 5' etc.

KenKen not only looks neater BUT the boxes are not all the same shape so it should be doable for me.

Yours,

Abbott

Dear Ljubljana,

That car (my Cadillac Seville) is no longer with this world (RIP). But this week I am getting an '86 Mercedes-Benz. Hilarious.

The unfortunate thing about 99+% of the United States it is unduly difficult to get around without a car. The fortunate thing is a great, great amount of the cars in the U.S. are automatic transmission: no clutch, no shifting. That means your car basically has a fast button and a slow button. I'm sure you'll get in the knack of it quite easily, especially since you've done it before. Just make sure to guard yourself against idiot drivers, and please be respectful of pedestrians.

Driving is fun and you'll enjoy it.

Yours Americanly,

Abbott

You'll get no extra credit but Will Shortz will think you're cool and that counts for a lot.
Give it a try: http://www.kenken.com/playnow.html

Dear Abbott,

A friend of mine just gave me a button featuring a picture of Phil Spector, specifically, the fairly recent picture of him in court with the huge 'fro. Seeing as how I am huge fan of the man's music but basically think he's a totally loathsome shitbag who in all likelihood murdered that poor woman, it seems wearing this button would be kinda tasteless. Otoh, it is a very funny picture... What do you think?

Thanks,
Shakey

For example: with an automatic, you can stick your left foot out the window while driving and chewing on a big piece of licorice root.

xxp

wow hey I had a '76 Cadillac Seville once too... what a beast that was

Dear Mr. Mo Collier,

It depends who will probably see it. People who hate Phil Spector? People who find him to be lols (in a bittersweet way)? Or – most significantly – people who have no idea who the crap he is? That would mean you'd have to explain the whole thing alla time, which could get depressing and complicated.

At any rate, is is 438x better than wearing a GG Allin pin.

Yours,

Abbott

I will use this as a visualisation exercise. xxxp

bla bla bla bla bla
― Ages 8 to 80

SUGGEST BAN

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 5:24 PM Site Ages 8 to 80 has been banned permanently.

Whoa. I think I may have special powers!

Dear Abbott,

Did you ever think you had special powers?

Dear ZS,

We've all known you've had special powers for ages.

I think the only special power I have is to make the left speaker in a stereo break within a week of me getting it.

Yours monaurally,

Abbott

I have to say that your power will probably not come in handy very often. But someday, mark my words, some villain will be in a situation where her only hope is your left speaker, installed within the last week. And you'll just laugh and laugh and laugh, because you'll know you can break that speaker whenever you want.

Thank you Abbott, i will try all of them apart from the sleep thing as i can't sleep at all.

you're a star x

wait chaki was banned...?

Flaming psychopaths tend to be, yah.

huh

was not aware of flaming psychopath tendencies

I would like to see your retarded van.

Yours,

retarded Abbott-van

― i'm shy (Abbott), Tuesday, February 10, 2009 3:22 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

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