Craigslist hilarity

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TOO*

none other than the shadeball Tuommy Loftus (diamonddave85), Thursday, 7 March 2013 22:22 (thirteen years ago)

• A 6' tall 190 lbs 6% body fat with ripped abs and a musician, for company

this is the most hilarious shit to me

"Bellini." (DJP), Thursday, 7 March 2013 22:22 (thirteen years ago)

"Welcome! Here's is your body fat and ripped abs as promised, and this is my guitarist buddy Dave. He'll be keeping you company during your stay."

"Bellini." (DJP), Thursday, 7 March 2013 22:23 (thirteen years ago)

me too, because it makes it sound like you are going to be hanging out with 1) a musician and 2) a 190 lb. slab of body fat with ripped abs

xpost!

C: (crüt), Thursday, 7 March 2013 22:24 (thirteen years ago)

I mean don't get me wrong, I would be posting tons of douchey shirtless pictures of myself all over the internet if I was single and had the body for it, but I would at least have coherent creeper text

"Bellini." (DJP), Thursday, 7 March 2013 22:26 (thirteen years ago)

"Entertainment appliances." Wii/XBox, or vibrators?

It's All Posable Colaboration (Dan Peterson), Thursday, 7 March 2013 22:28 (thirteen years ago)

yes

"Bellini." (DJP), Thursday, 7 March 2013 22:29 (thirteen years ago)

also that's a pretty cool mobile bus stop he's got by his place

"Bellini." (DJP), Thursday, 7 March 2013 22:30 (thirteen years ago)

You just know that when he typed out "twins" he was all "please, please, please..."

nickn, Thursday, 7 March 2013 23:31 (thirteen years ago)

he's got his penthouse letter written and ready to send PLZ TWINS MAKE THIS HAPPEN

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 7 March 2013 23:34 (thirteen years ago)

he's probably hoping specifically for tegan and sara

my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Friday, 8 March 2013 01:18 (thirteen years ago)

$675 / 208ft² - HUGE room in HUGE apt. 25 min 2 Mnhtn available NOW or move in by 4/1 (Midwood, Brooklyn Kingshighway area)

Will be running full background check on all roommate applicants. Proof of identity required to move in (driver's license, photo id and/or passport). If you could pack pay-stubs or old utility bills, references, etc when you come to see the room, that would be great too. I'll also need a money order or certified/cashier's check to reserve the place, or at least a personal check (prefer the former). I cannot accept rent or a security deposit in cash.

(...)

FOR A LOW-KEY/QUIET/CALM/PEACEFUL FEMALE ROOMMATE who respects the situation as outlined below.

(...)

BUT FIRST, SOME IMPORTANT ISSUES:
1. DECORATING/ETC: I have lived here for 9 years, and am the only one on the lease (responsible for everything), and am therefore solely in charge of picking future roommates, and decorating the common living areas (not interested in anyone else decorating or re-arranging anything), although you can feel free to decorate your own room. Of course, everyone has full use of the kitchen, living room, bathroom, dining room, etc.

2. I am not interested in sharing a lease with anyone. Please don't ask. Find another situation if that is what you want.

2. I have one CAT, and cannot take in any more cats, as I also often care for friend's (who don't live here) cats, which means there's usually 1-3 cats in the house, coming and going. I make it a point to stay on top of them and invest in a lot of special litterboxes, etc, and there's so many extra rooms I have for them to stay in (with the door closed) or roam, you often will not even see them or notice their existence, but yeah, we can't handle more cats here. No dogs either, landlord doesn't allow them. Other pets ok.

3. THREATENING, AGGRESSIVE OR HOSTILE BEHAVIOR and/or consistent bad, disrespectful, argumentative "attitude" (eye-rolling, door slamming, etc) directed at me, bullying, excessive cattiness/rudeness/, having guests over all the time (or more than bearable), ganging up with whomever the other roommate is (or even worse, involving outsiders like friends or family in disputes here), or failure to pay rent will be responded to with 30 day notices, eviction papers, calling the police/getting my landlord involved and other necessary measures. I hate to bring it up, but I have had to deal with extreme examples of this in the past, real "hell-raisers" and have experience in it (although 90% of my numerous roommates over the years were normal enough, and got along. 9 of them stayed 1 year or more). Also don't like people who complain about the house not being clean enough while doing next to no chores. Also prefer roommates who are high on the "cooperation" scale... people who know how to live without turning every other interaction into some unnecessary power struggle, and view living here as an opportunity. MY MAIN POINT IS, I JUST WANT DECENT, POLITE, CONSIDERATE ROOMMATES WHO AREN'T INTO INSTIGATING TROUBLE AND AREN'T "GUEST ADDICTS"/POTENTIAL SQUATTER CREATORS.

4. SMOKING: I am an occasional smoker. I quit about 1 year ago, but still will bum one once or twice a month while partying or having a bad day, usually smoking it in the kitchen, always airing it out with an open window (that's my smoking spot). I wish I could say I've completely quit, but I certainly don't smoke everyday, or even every week. My roommate smokes almost a pack a day, almost always in her bedroom, unless she's socializing with guests in the living room, which is very, very rare.

5. GUEST POLICY: I have only run into issues with people having guests too much when they get a new boyfriend or have an out-of-town boyfriend who attempts to move in, or is in the place so much he might as well be a 4th roommate. I go out to see my friends mostly, and am currently single. I've had people sleep over a few nights over the course of an entire year. I rarely have guests over. I think once in a while, having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) over for a weekend is ok, or out of town guests for a bit longer (like for a week, negotiable, once every 6 months, and not right away when you first move in), BUT OTHER THAN THOSE OCCASIONAL TIMES, THERE SHOULDN'T BE MORE THAN 2 OVERNIGHT GUESTS PER MONTH. If you feel the need to have people sleep over every week, or worse yet, everyday, this isn't for you. Occasional, rare party ok (like once every few months). I normally wouldn't spell this out so sternly, but I once had a roommate who interpreted guests over "once in awhile" as about 90% of the time, and noted that I never defined "once in awhile", so it was my fault (she'd make a great lawyer). I also want to be told in advance when out of town guests are coming and leaving. I also don't want the key to the apartment being given out without my permission (it's illegal actually). I PREFER INTROVERTS OR PEOPLE WHO HAVE MINIMAL GUESTS OVER, especially if it's the days-on-end variety. The fewer, the better. Guests= extra noise, extra foot traffic, extra stimulus, extra having to put on an act, extra potential drama, etc. Guests are fine, but within moderation, please.

6. I ALSO HAVE A POLICY OF asking roommates to:
A. KEEP (CELL) PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN YOUR BEDROOM ONLY, as the noise reverberates throughout the house and I can hear people on cellphones talking in the bathroom/kitchen/hallway, etc, even from my bedroom and it's agitating. We have thin walls from the 1920's. Noise in general should be avoided and minimal.
B. TURN OFF LIGHTS/ AC'S/ FANS/ computers when leaving a room for more than 10 minutes or so, so that we don't get a huge electric bill we all have to pay for.

7. CLEANING- IF YOU ARE A NEAT FREAK OR PERFECTIONIST, YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY HERE...
Not because I don't respect neat freaks or wouldn't love a perfectly clean house- who wouldn't? Because this happens to be one dusty old un-renovated house and I have a cat. It's also HUGE so it's hard to keep up with it all, although trust me, I try my best and do chores almost every day. I'm medium clean, like a 6 , 7 or 8 on a 1-10 scale, depending on the day, and have almost always done all of the chores myself, without any help, as I am home more than my roommates as I work mostly from home, and figured , out of the kindness of my heart, that was only fair. My work schedule may change in a few months, and at that point, I will ask others to do minimal kitchen/bathroom cleaning. Perhaps I should create a chore chart and ask roommates to do chores to instill some sort of respect and understanding for the work involved? I also buy all of the toilet paper and cleaning supplies. My mantra is that if it's not clean enough for your standards, and you feel the need to complain, you can feel free to chip in. Wishing the house clean is NOT the same thing as actually putting in the work, the daily, weekly work, the daily grind, to make it clean. I can't stress this enough. I've had several roommates over the years almost treat me like an under-appreciated maid and do maybe 1 chore in their entire stay here while having the gaul to complain about the place not being clean enough. It's profoundly disrespectul, and the home-making equivalent of people with champagne taste on a malt liquor budget. It got to the point where I began keeping a log of all the chores I do. In general, there seems to be a huge and stunning disconnect between some people's wishes for a perfectly clean house and people actually contributing anything. I've also cleaned out everyone's bedroom when they move out, set up everything, moved in all the furniture and literally done all the work and held all the responsibility here for years.

WHILE I DO THE BULK OF THE CHORES, OF COURSE, I EXPECT YOU TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR SELF (wipe down after meals, put your dishes away in the dishwasher, etc). Sometimes I can't even get roommates to do that. Yup, sometimes the same ones that complain a lot about cleanliness.

8. COMMUNICATION: If I can't ask you politely to do something like clean up after yourself when you haven't without a major blow up, and vice versa, it's best we just don't live together. The vast majority of my roommates I've never had to ask to do a thing, but those who leave lights/acs on all the time, hoard dishes in their room, dump cat litter in the bathtub, etc, etc, I cannot avoid asking to change, in my most neutral voice. I've also had roommates ask me to do things, and most of the time they were right in asking.

8. STRONGLY PREFER PEOPLE ON SOME FORM OF A 9-5 or DAYTIME SCHEDULE. I'm a former nightowl myself, and I have a "white noise machine" to block sound, but people on nightshift work schedules tend to have a different lifestyle and the noise beyond 11pm can be agitating. People who go to bed or are quiet by 11pm on weeknights are preferred. Since I work from home most of the time, it would be best if you don't work from home too.

THE REST:
1) ME: I AM NOT A "SOCIAL" ROOMMATE.

I'm kind, tolerant, respectful, considerate, warm, accommodating, yet slightly aloof, introverted, pre-occupied and emotionally detached, and am seeking the same in a roommate. Note: While I am quiet to a core all other times, I am a singer and sometimes practice at home- ONLY when my roommates are away at work or when I know they are not home. Not with any microphones, of course. I am a 32 year old NYU and FIT alumni and I work as a freelance publicist/copywriter, along with doing many, many other odd jobs and temp jobs. I'm often out of the house during the weekend doing the odd jobs, but home most of the week (depends). I am financially stable and have lived in this apartment for 9 years and in NYC for 14. I am originally from the suburbs of NYC. I telecommute from home, hence the need to be able to FOCUS AT HOME, besides my desire to quietly work on art and personal projects, complete chores, etc. I'm an artsy/intellectual/bohemian/creative/reader/writer type, spending about 95% of my time when I am home alone (not shy, just busy). I tend to see the roommate thing as primarily an economic situation- a way to save money. I'm not interested in heavy interpersonal interactions, "drama", or relationships that distract me from leading my life. So, I'm open to friendship, but not looking for a friend (it takes me awhile to trust, especially after all of the experiences I've had). I am looking for a decent roommate, someone to co-exist with, and above all else, just get along with. When I am home, I'm "off", meaning I'm not really in the mood to socialize most of the time or be "up" or "on" or have to put on an act. I'm also a native New Yorker (my roommates have come from all over the world and America, however, and have been of every ethnicity/race/social background imaginable, many times over), with the attendant personality type, which is to say, I am a kind person (I do tons of volunteer work), but certainly not cheery/upbeat at all times and generally keep to myself. I ALSO WANT TO COME HOME TO A CALM ENVIRONMENT, especially after a day of being out in our stressful, chaotic city.

***I'm also not interested in heated political or cultural debates. Or debates of any kind, really.

So I don't want our roommate relationship to be contingent upon "friendship", or politics or other subjective issues. I'm open to the proverbial "drink on a saturday night", and am always there if my roommate needs help or a shoulder to cry on. But personally, I'd prefer a quiet, calm, decent roommate who I am not "friends" with to a loud, disruptive, distracting, draining friend turned frienemy who abuses the situation.

I'VE HAD 9 ROOMMATES STAY FOR AT LEAST 1 YEAR, over the course of 9 years. Many others came and went, almost always because they wanted to move to another city/move-in with a boyfriend or best friend. I still socialize with 3 past roommates. My current roommate who is staying is 33, works full-time as a pre-school teacher, kind, quiet, good-natured, etc. She's lived here for 2 years. I've lived with many younger roommates in the past too. There are only 3 people total (including myself) at all times in a 5br apartment.

this goes on a lot longer with details about the neighborhood and the room and the dollars and cents stuff but jesus CHRIST, who would want to live with this person? five bucks says they're a yelper

Doctor Casino, Monday, 18 March 2013 00:57 (thirteen years ago)

That'd be pretty close to my roommate policies if I ever had to look for a roommate.

my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Monday, 18 March 2013 01:02 (thirteen years ago)

Except I would also have a ban on cigarettes, w33d, and looking at me in the eyes.

my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Monday, 18 March 2013 01:03 (thirteen years ago)

She's being awfully generous with the "maybe a party every few months", too.

my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Monday, 18 March 2013 01:07 (thirteen years ago)

Basically I have some serious space issues.

my god i only have 2 useless beyblade (silby), Monday, 18 March 2013 01:07 (thirteen years ago)

really looking for a roommate who will smoke w33d while not breaking eye contact

☠ ☃ ☠ (mh), Monday, 18 March 2013 01:07 (thirteen years ago)

my feeling is this person doesn't want a roommate. perhaps a roomba instead

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 18 March 2013 01:10 (thirteen years ago)

my first requirement of any future roommate is a willingness to read page upon page of my demands on and about their lives, also they must never permit themselves to have sex with anyone

Doctor Casino, Monday, 18 March 2013 01:11 (thirteen years ago)

"I have lived here for 9 years"

...

"I hate to bring it up, but I have had to deal with extreme examples of this in the past, real "hell-raisers" and have experience in it (although 90% of my numerous roommates over the years were normal enough, and got along. 9 of them stayed 1 year or more)."

does not compute

caek, Monday, 18 March 2013 02:06 (thirteen years ago)

oh wait, no, there is more than one spare room. i guess it does compute. nuts tho.

caek, Monday, 18 March 2013 02:06 (thirteen years ago)

What really strikes me about this is that it reads more like the stern kiss-off letter to the person just kicked out than it does the enticement for a person to come in, as if the former is really the part of the roommate experience towards which she most enthusiastically looks.

Doctor Casino, Monday, 18 March 2013 02:11 (thirteen years ago)

I think that's also an okcupid tactic, "I am looking for someone who is not like this list of things that seem to exactly describe someone"

☠ ☃ ☠ (mh), Monday, 18 March 2013 02:21 (thirteen years ago)

Ad also reads a lot like a bad Okcupid profile, actually.

Doctor Casino, Monday, 18 March 2013 02:47 (thirteen years ago)

The only thing unreasonable about that ad is the length. And the detail. And the EVERYTHING ELSE.

Darth Icky (DJP), Monday, 18 March 2013 03:31 (thirteen years ago)

^^^

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 18 March 2013 04:17 (thirteen years ago)

how not to get a roommate 101

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 18 March 2013 04:17 (thirteen years ago)

Having had a few pretty awful flatmates throughout the years I can certainly sympathise with many of this person's points. (Though if noise bothers her so much that she needs to ban cellphone conversations in common areas and has a "white noise machine" to block sounds, you kinda wonder whether a shared flat is the best place for her to live?) Whether it makes sense to pour it all into a "roommate wanted" ad is a different thing, though...

Tuomas, Monday, 18 March 2013 12:10 (thirteen years ago)

The woman's obviously mad but the kind of setup she seems to want sounds ideal. It looks like a nice apartment in the photos in the ad, and $675 a month seems insanely cheap (to a British person). Would definitely give it a go.

Eyeball Kicks, Monday, 18 March 2013 12:20 (thirteen years ago)

dr casino should i get this apartment?

caek, Monday, 18 March 2013 13:30 (thirteen years ago)

I could live with all of those rules tbh (except for the "be a woman" one)

Darth Icky (DJP), Monday, 18 March 2013 13:32 (thirteen years ago)

God, you're so inflexible.

emil.y, Monday, 18 March 2013 13:33 (thirteen years ago)

Some things just don't bend like that

Darth Icky (DJP), Monday, 18 March 2013 13:37 (thirteen years ago)

totally thought of the author of this ad as a man, for some reason

Guayaquil (eephus!), Monday, 18 March 2013 14:17 (thirteen years ago)

dr casino should i get this apartment?

― caek, Monday, March 18, 2013 9:30 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

NO!

i mean maybe you like the idea of never having anybody over and living under the festering passive aggressive eye of judgement, but regardless, it is way too far from campus IMO

Doctor Casino, Monday, 18 March 2013 14:39 (thirteen years ago)

ha yes i jest. that mailing list you put me onto seems good.

caek, Monday, 18 March 2013 14:40 (thirteen years ago)

Yeah, cool places keep appearing on that. I'm sure there's a piranha swarm around every one of them...nothing yet in my time-frame anyway so I haven't been sweating it yet, just checking the ads occasionally to get a sense of what's possible.

Doctor Casino, Monday, 18 March 2013 14:44 (thirteen years ago)

Also re: hilarity, should probably be allowed that the entire NY housing market probably seems bizarre and hilarious to anyone coming from outside, just in terms of what is considered normal practice, reasonable prices, acceptable sizes of rooms etc. etc.

Doctor Casino, Monday, 18 March 2013 14:51 (thirteen years ago)

ATTN mods - just got a malware alert from Chrome trying to load the whole thread, probably nothing but just sayin'

Doctor Casino, Monday, 18 March 2013 14:52 (thirteen years ago)

the thing is, this person is horrible, but by her own admission she also likes to be away from people and keep to herself

basically, if you don't mind hanging out outside of your home, there are many ways in which the minimal effort spent keeping to yourself might make this living situation great if it wasn't for the complete and total disregard for appropriate boundaries vis a vis how one should communicate with someone they don't know

Darth Icky (DJP), Monday, 18 March 2013 14:55 (thirteen years ago)

Yeah, it's the whole tip-of-the-iceberg thing as far as her entire personality goes, not even the specific things she's specifying (although again I think some of these things are just out-and-out deal-breakers).

Doctor Casino, Monday, 18 March 2013 14:59 (thirteen years ago)

You should go look at the apt just to meet her.

emilys., Monday, 18 March 2013 20:09 (thirteen years ago)

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/laf/3688140537.html

I lost a 16GB Zune HD Saturday night around the 50's streets most likely near a pile of garbage bags. I had it in my pocket and me and friends were playing around and one of them threw me into a pile of garbage where I most likely lost the Zune HD. If you turn it on, the main picture is of the Steinway train station, and there's plenty of pictures of women I have on there labeled "sexy women motivation" amongst others. If you have or found it, PLEASE give it back to me. I am willing to meet anywhere to get it back. I'm low on money but I can definitely give you a little cash later.

lmao

scream blahula scream (govern yourself accordingly), Monday, 18 March 2013 22:02 (thirteen years ago)

sexy women motivation otm

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 18 March 2013 22:03 (thirteen years ago)

I have the same photo album, oddly

☠ ☃ ☠ (mh), Monday, 18 March 2013 23:44 (thirteen years ago)

"oddly"

set the controls for the heart of the sun (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 18 March 2013 23:44 (thirteen years ago)

I'll look good in those heels someday

☠ ☃ ☠ (mh), Monday, 18 March 2013 23:59 (thirteen years ago)

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/roo/3682288104.html

maura, Tuesday, 19 March 2013 16:22 (thirteen years ago)

he had me until deep seeded

☠ ☃ ☠ (mh), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 16:25 (thirteen years ago)

that ad above is basically "you can live here as long as you don't act like it's as much your apartment as it is mine"

I guess I can see how a miserable, not very social person who has lived in the same apartment for 9 years with a bunch of roommates could get to that point of entitlement/entrenchment, but yuck

space phwoar (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 19 March 2013 16:29 (thirteen years ago)


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