Blue Saturday

i take 6 pills a day which are supposed to damp down any cravings i might get and they are singularly failing to work today.

ill-advised walk down memory lane of nightclubs i have known, loved and fallen over in has stoked the gibbering boozewant that's been gnawing at me since last Friday.

typing this out partly to try and exorcise the fucker.

how much do you feel the cravings are chemical/how much patterns of behaviour emotional/memory triggers?

I mean fucked if I know how to deal with fine spring days - it's almost a childhood trigger for all sorts of things (love, drink, hope even, god help us).

if this isn't helpful tell me stfu obv.

Ive come around to the belief that wilted lettuce is a v important part of a toasted sandwich

And hey, if i can change

nah i think it's pure emotional/cognitive stuff. going into detox i met a bunch of people with full blown addiction, every day wake up til pass out drinkers, and it put my own patterns into perspective. not that i was "less bad" than them, but in the parlance i was a problem drinker and hadn't progressed to full-blown alcoholic. for a bunch of reasons i guess.

and what i'm craving isn't just alcohol and nicotine - god it is them tho too - but the pub, my blurry spinning Wonderland/escape route. and the sun's only just come out here, but yeah, it makes me want to drink. as does bad weather, hot weather, happiness, sadness, mediumness, emptiness, plenitude, you name it, i'll drink to it.

walking home Friday night a thought experiment came into my head - if I was presented with a stranger, and a gun, and if i shot that stranger right there and then i could drink with no consequences but the usual social/emotional ones for the rest of my life, wd i do it? and my nerves and brain was straining "yeah, this is horrible but yeah i feel like i could do that, feel like i'd have to do that". and then suddenly it occured to me that the victim - that was me too. i was unwittingly writing the allegory of my own life choices.

and still i feel like i am 2 children away from swan-diving back into my escape tunnel.

and i'm just rational enough to know that 4 weeks sober is nothing. not a dent, not a scratch on my soul. i know nothing will get better for months, years, ever, whatever. i have to keep rationalising the sense of this decision.

and i hate rationalising and i hate sense.

What other consequences apart from the social/emotional ones? Health?

4 weeks sober is a sea change stfu btw

financial mainly i guess. if i could "afford" to drink, whatever the other costs. finance being that hard, unnegotiable limit.

Hmm not sure yr unwitting allegorisin so much as considering a hitman career then tbf

Like crowds, drugs, and love, alcohol can befuddle the most lucid mind. Alcohol turns the concrete wall of isolation into a paper screen which the actors can tear according to their fancy, for it arranges everything on the stage of an intimate theatre. A generous illusion, and thus still more deadly.

i guess i've used this Vaneigem quote before but there it was, waiting to say hello while i browsed

Was RV a boozer? Was he talking there about Guy D's drinking, do you think?

i don't know. i've always thought of Vaneigem as the party guy of those two but that cd easily be an effect of writing styles. that quote cd be self-referential too, anybody who's loved booze too long and too well can recognise the seduction he describes.

(fending off my own little swim in denial with curry and scones, not necessarily in that order)

Hopefully not together tho

not sober, no

4 weeks sober is a sea change stfu btw

this, anyway, cos it's about... fucking gotta stop shriving my soul on ilx... but it's about the movement away from something wch is damaging you. it can be expected to be hard work, and you can expect not to succeed sometimes, or to backslide, but knowing that you are moving away from something and idk caring for yourself cos you deserve it etc, feels like an important thing to focus on.

<\psychobabble>

cosign on the whole pub thing tho.

i feel less irritable mostly but then i worry that denying irritation or anger or sarcasm is denying part of human experience

Ha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0bS-YnLf4s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq204wG8UfA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbXvaE39wM

wilson phillips otm tho

yeah i know :|

JESUS I WANT A DRINK

i think abt wilson philips more than anyone not living in 1991 should

it's fine to think about Wilson Philips imo, i don't think i want to go back to the early 90s tho unless i get to take foreknowledge with me

i'd probably just make the same mistakes all over

Q. is Abba's "Slipping Through My Fingers" the most heartbreaking song ever written?

heartbroken maybe. just completely flat out destroyed by what parenthood is.

it's amazing how fucking awful i can feel without doing a single thing all day

that's not amazing; it's natural imo

yeah, i don't know about natural but i know there are deep currents that do more to affect my mood than the mundane stuff on the surface. maybe doing nothing just makes that more powerful cos there's nothing to counter-balance them.

The Dogon say their astronomical knowledge was given to them by the Nommos, amphibious beings sent to Earth from Sirius for the benefit of mankind. The name comes from a Dogon word meaning 'to make one drink', and the Nommos are also called 'Masters of the Water', the 'Monitors', and the 'Teachers'. According to Dogon mythology, Nommo was the first living being created by Amma, the sky god and creator of the universe. He soon multiplied to become six pairs of twins. [This is a metaphor for our original 12-strand DNA. Our present physical DNA contains 2 strands which hold the genetic codes for our physical evolvement.]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/untitled_zps2401be8c.jpg

http://i298.photobucket.com/albums/mm258/mapung072/PocongGaulsss1.jpg

haven't even got the strength to tell door-to-door charity collector to fuck off. feel more tired and zombified sober than i ever used to feel drunk.

V early days man.

sorry for gnawing the same bone. typing helps me keep shit at arms' length.

i just realised, what i'm craving so badly is the big warm hug of intoxication. in the absence of other hugs, it's the dreamiest swoon possible. and it's very hard to go around all day not thinking about a thing, especially the thing that yr cellular biology is screaming for.

frying onions to make hot dogs to make myself not think about pubs and barlight and nicotine and alcohol and bliss.

Hey Noods I am thinking of you and sending telepathic non boozy hugs your way. What you're doing is important and impressive and thank you for sharing it here. That is all.

NV you need to get some soft of latex hands and arms wired up to your PC so we can all takes turns in giving you cyber hugs (strictly nothing kinky, that's extra). Take care mister, rooting for you here!

This day has given the earth an entirely new aspect. The world would have gone to destruction The New Era Two Thousand Years Ago. had there not streamed forth from him who is now born a common blessing.

Rightly does he judge who recognises in this birth-day the beginning of life and of all the I powers of life; now is that time ended when men pitied themselves for being born.

From no other day does the individual or the community receive such benefit as from this natal day, full of blessing to all.

The Providence which rules over all has filled this man with such gifts for the salvation of the world as designate him as Saviour for us and for the coming generations; of wars he will make an end, and establish all things worthily.

By his appearing are the hopes of our forefathers fulfilled; not only has he surpassed the good deeds of earlier time, but it is impossible that one greater than he can ever appear.

The birth-day of God has brought to the world glad tidings that are bound up in him.

From his birth-day a new era begins.

Inscription in Asia Minor dedicated to Augustus Caesar, 9 BCE

sometimes i get sick of the sight of my own inner voice. maybe try to give it a rest.

Watched tree of life yday, v much inner voicing since tbh

i've not seen it. i know what you mean tho.

Oh you must, you must

My inner voice is a right dick

Therapist telling me I wouldn't talk to my friends like that so I didn't have to talk to myself like that was a O_O revelation. I was 36 at the time.

i wuz thinking of my inner voice as manifested on ILX tbh :p

my ilx inner voice more of a bore than a dick, harder to fix. oh wait is that me being a dick to myself? shit.

Think the point of my inner voice is to be the resource of considerations/sounding board/avenues i dont get from friends, ms mac, family. ilx probably closest alright, in the absence of idk god

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WXYjm74WFI

Is this the place to check in when you're bored and lonely and a little bit drunk? Family are on holiday for the weekend and my mates are all out at some Gilles Peterson thing tonight which I missed all the tickets for. So here I am on Easter Sunday with a bottle of vodka and Tusk on cd. I could have sworn it wasn't meant to be like this