Blue Saturday

i don't mess with no politicians

actually the list of careers and lifestyle choice i don't mess with is hilariously and unrealistically long.

aslo who am i kiddering?

Roahld dahl autobiography title

feel a bit shit and weepy today. still not sleeping properly, function thru a lot of the day, start nodding when i have to sit quietly and listen to something, go home ready for bed, hit this weird zombie mode where i just don't go to bed until gone 3.

can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. hate how i look, everything.

not drinking. no real desire either. meds or something inside me doing something right.

pathetic inability to come to terms with my own age.

bleak outside, bleak inside, ugly scruffy lump of

gonna carry on

perhaps you need to hit rock bottom, the league one of the soul, before reality can seem a treasure

Noodle <3

tbf if i was 15 again i cd just type "FML" and be done

Booze makes the moment endurable but does nothing for the moments that come after that. Sobriety, otoh, is all about the long game. Sure you don't like the way things are right now but there's a lot more nows ahead and they are going to be different. I don't know how to rewrite this sentiment in football manager-ese but someone else can surely step in.

"every walk past a pub is a cup tie"

but really, i don't want a drink. which is a bit crap cos it leaves me here.

Right, conscious of everything that's now. It's okay. It's a bit crap but tbh you did let it get that way, you can put it back in order in a little time.

Haha I'm a terrible counselor, I just talk to everyone like they're 6 and didn't clean their room. Sorry.

it's fine. i might as well be 6 and the room needs cleaning.

i've been walking, at least to work. that's good.

i've genuinely felt great all week until today, something in my post-detox support group that niggled at me and then after i caught sight of myself in a bathroom mirror and had a good look and oh the horror

i was trying to walking meditate. i realised i am ass-backwards. i want to get into the world, want it to look realer, less flat. of course trad meditation is about recognising the impermanence. i feel little but.

i hear a lot of birds singing in the morning. they sound pretty awesome right now.

winter just won't fuck off, will it?

perhaps you need to hit rock bottom, the league one of the soul, before reality can seem a treasure

― c'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas le beurre (imago), Friday, 22 February 2013 14:52 (18 minutes ago)

this doesn't reflect how people actually react to adversity

like really why would that be the case? how long does one have to spend looking at flies flitting about freshly laid dogshit before it takes the consistency of seraphim in paradisiac suspension

I know. It was a crass analogy in reference to our respective football support. Perhaps Wolves will escape the drop anyway and we can forget this ever happened.

NV you've been magnificent regardless of the result, 18 months from now you won't be making these basic errors imo

sometimes i just try and badly describe the shape and colour of my angst because it's better than bumping my head up and down on the desk or being a drunken cock. so it's fine to make crass analogies.

...and yes, there is something dismal about the fetishisation of solace quantums amidst the moil - I merely meant that in some obtuse way, the wheel will turn and NV's mental Deano will steer his good ship Molineux to an acceptable oscillation

btw mirrors are a fuckin torture device if you looked at other people the way you do your reflection you'd turn killer overnight imo

Can't offer any particularly useful advice but can offer best wishes and free books. ILXmail me if you're interested in the latter.

how long does one have to spend looking at flies flitting about freshly laid dogshit before it takes the consistency of seraphim in paradisiac suspension

― Like Poto I don't Cabengo (Nilmar Honorato da Silva), Friday, 22 February 2013 15:22 (12 minutes ago)

someday you shall stand atop an Alp and all as Aether shall seem

the trouble with fitba metaphors is they become totalizing, the entire world just one extended fitba metaphor, a series of endlessly iterated rearguard actions at deepdale

managing Port Vale on administration money atm and have put together one of the dourest FM teams of my life. 1 home win and 2 away draws so far. beautiful game.

i thought i might have imagined deepdale but no it exists and is the home of preston north end

and a Football League museum or something iirc

Rochdale play at Spotland otoh, which would make a 7/10 Autechre album-title

^^clever little reverse-pass of a post that the defender just about intercepted

http://www.xojane.com/issues/how-not-to-be-a-dick-to-your-fat-friends

this bucked my ideas up a little

don't have time to read that but i imagine rule no. 1 should be:

"if you are 6'0" and 150lbs don't talk about how 'fat' you are in front of your 5'6" 200lb friend"

WTF IS WRONG WITH BEING 5FT 6 AND 200lb YOU DICK

ah fuck

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVqfBuinw7A

iceland blues

People who talk about revolution and class struggle without referring explicitly to everyday life, without understanding what is subversive about love and what is positive in the refusal of constraints, such people have corpses in their mouths.

it's pretty easy to account for what you've lost - positive and negative - and it's pretty hard to work out what you're gaining

feel like i shd wear a spacesuit or full plate to negotiate the world of sobriety

niggling rationalisation of outmoded boozery

Sup nv. Well dont sup, ykwim.

i know. i'm pretty strong. i want my miracle transformation to a world where getting drunk seems like the least good idea ever. i know miracle transformations don't happen. i am digging sobriety in a way but it's still so lifeless.

Cant argue with that, have you tried fantasising about a lotto win?

To argue that the reason you deserve rights under a humanist democratic system is because of genetics is a retreat into feudalist logic. It's the same as an aristocrat arguing that their rights and privileges were deserved because of their family blood-line and DNA. "Born this way" is antithetical to any democratic argument for rights rooted in a social capacity for understanding and transformation. It is astounding that the majority of people cannot comprehend that any "born this way" argument is a complete obliteration of their social agency. "I can't help it, so give me the same rights as you..." Fuck that. We shouldn't be asking to participate in the rights and privileges of those who have oppressed us. We should be trying to divest those groups of privileges. That is the best way to help ourselves and minimize the violence we enact on others.

http://www.sfbg.com/noise/2013/02/21/nite-trax-lost-mix-dj-sprinkles

<3 <3 <3

Sprinkles is awesome, that's a great interview

was thinking just this morning, during a Today programme report on why people like getting drunk, which approached it from an angle of 'why bcos of chemicals in brane, people just think they enjoy it', what a pernicious influence materialism can be, especially when it is confused with or feeds into determinism. it's a grubby trump card played by people who are frightened of moral, spiritual or aesthetic arguments. Like 'taxpayer's money' in political discussion. I realise this isn't new, but i was reminded of it. last time i think i thought about it was on reading the introduction to 'guns germs and steel' by j diamnond, where he said 'one day all history will be scientific' i paraphrase, but not far off.

didn't hear the report but that doesn't necessarily sound like a reductively materialist viewpoint. like the parable about a supercomputer running all of society on utilitarian grounds deciding to keep us dosed up to the eyeballs with happy pills, surely recognising that all happinesses are not equal even if they're ultimately all brain chemicals is a distinctly anti-material view?

I'm sorry ledge, I'm not sure I understand, and that's absolutely not because your words aren't clear, but because i'm feeling a bit tired/hungover. the report felt reductively materialist, and I'm trying to turn your words back on it to consider whether that was the case or not, but my brain isn't up to it, it seems. I'll check myself into the knacker's yard.

maybe utilitarian or moral realist as much as materialist. i still believe in a materialism that allows for magic or soul - at least as metaphors. arguing that my subjective enjoyment isn't real is a lost cause in lots of ways, but there are political reasons why people want to demystify experience, and there are tired evolutionary biological arguments that always ignore the non-evolutionary modifications humans have made to their brains/lifestyles since we developed culture.

or in short the world is full of miserable ascetics and most of them are fascists of some stripe.

recognising that all happinesses are not equal even if they're ultimately all brain chemicals is a distinctly anti-material view?

possibly but not necessarily, i'm sure there are people out there who still think that they can build the perfect felicimeter and it's just a case of quantitative difference rather than qualitative.

Quantitative e-zing

can be a materialist & still believe in mind/soul if you accept the latter as "emergent" properties of highly complex material systems like the human nervous system

let's not turn this into another consciousness c/d thread though eh

c