Depression and what it's really like

Reevaluation Co-counseling is similar to the therapy side of Scientology, without the aliens, but should probably be avoided just as much.

I've started looking into Drexel's social anxiety treatment program. Hopefully it's not students/faculty only and open to the general public.

I've also started lookin into school options, but it's rough- everything for "mature students" is shoved off onto satellite campuses and the courses are all business/IT/accounting shit. It's bad enough knowing I'll never have a real student life without the realization that getting a liberal arts education is no longer a possibility. I just feel I have to do something IMMEDIATELY because I've been putting off my life for so long, I'm running out of time (fucking 30 in 6 months) and I could not give less of as hit about my job and I can't take crying myself t sleep alone after another wasted day one more time.

The "real student life" thing is a total myth, dude. Don't let that figment stand in your way--what about all the people that work to put themselves through school a few classes at a time and never go to any events, or ppl who transfer from a community college, or are returning adult students changing careers, or anything outside the norm, which is normal dumb 19-year-olds who don't know anything yet? You wouldn't like most of those people anyway, and it wouldn't change you or fix your problems. Focus on learning stuff and connecting with people who are in your classes instead!

Also why would you have to take classes with other "mature students"? Can't you enroll in Philosophy Survey 101 if you want?

Hang in there, Tt, it's possible to get through this. I'm about to hit 30 and feel some of the same pressure. That motivation you have is key to solving this shit, but it's hard fucking work man. If you had a less than thrilling childhood make sure you get into a program or read up on abuse if you haven't ... understanding that stuff's helping me more than the usual Cure Social Anxiety in 30 Days! kinda shit. I was raised as the family trash can and grew up in a blue collar, kunckle-dragging beat 'em up kinda town, so working through that's been way more helpful than "learning how to be more confident" or whatever shit they tell ya about.

This book was helpful. I'm not sure I buy the dude's premise totally, but it helped me to figure some things out that aren't covered in the usual CBT/therapy canon. www.amzn.com/0757303234. There are also a whole load of websites out there that have been fairly useful, too. Are you seeing a therapist regularly?

oh yeah, if that link sounds like your cup of tea, I can ilxmail you a pdf.

Why wouldn't you be able to get a liberal arts education now? There are plenty of people 30 and over who have done so. Xpost

yeah my (late) grandfather did both BA and MA in liberal arts in his late 70s!

because it's all pointless. everything is pointless

Oh yeah?! I dare you to go on over to I Love Books and say that, Nhex. We'll reply, "So, who cares? The liberal arts are stimulating and fun. Go spit in somebody else's drink. We are happy here."

hehe

sorry, i crossed 30 a little while back and still haven't gotten off my duff to go back to school either so i am in tune with this particular despair

let's grouse about valentine's day

valentine's day goes off the rails and straight into train wreck territory sometime around puberty.

only if you let it, imo. for me nothing saps the spirit like christmas. i'm so glad the holidays (tm) are over for a nice long while.

I've never celebrated it, aside from making valentines for my friends and buying discount candy the day after, but it will be my first uncoupled one in awhile. But yes, Christmas is the soul-suckingest holiday.

Kids at my elementary school were hooking up in the 4th grade and Valentine's Day ceased to be about fun cards dropped in decorated milk cartons, punch, cupcakes....really early on. I can totally relate to the Charlie Brown Valentine's Day special. In high school girls were walking around with huge bouquets of flowers, bear and balloons. It was insane. They all got married or pregnant before 20 though so looking back there was serious courting going on. Valentine's became cool when I started making cards for friends.

My friend is throwing a potluck! Valentine's Day is saved! (Provided I don't have social anxiety and panic at the party. Fortunately this is a friend who is aware of and sensitive to my issues.)

And yeah, I remember kids in middle and high school getting balloons and candy grams and crap delivered to class. Why is that BS allowed? Totally disruptive & annoying.

carnations

Those are for funerals.

haha really? in my high school they were delivered to objects of affection. (i did not get any, sigh)

The only carnation I ever got was one my best friend got for me.

I wish to destroy everything with my mind right now. I dont know how to control all this bitter, bile filled rage I am feeling so I'm just turning it inward. Hoorah.

rage sucks away your time and energy. the best thing you can do is apply all that time and energy to something that's actually productive. then you can concentrate on what you're accomplishing instead of all that bile you feel.

Yeah I know thats what I need to do. The bitterness is eating me alive and it blows. I'm trying to focus on writing music but lately Ive fallen back in a hole a little. I'll just keep on getting back up til I stop falling down.

don't make the productive thing too high-stakes -- if making music means a lot to you and you're not getting the result you want, that can be a disaster for your self-esteem. "productive" = something fun that your whole identity is not wrapped up in.

I had to coach myself to stop worrying about being "productive" because it was becoming a toxic concept to me. I just aim to make good uses of my time, now.

my 'product' is avoiding despair

in some ways it is simple but in others very much not

part of the way i self-treat my depression is to set a series of small, easily accomplishable goals for myself, instead of letting myself get intimidated by the big picture. that's being "productive" for me -- knocking out those little goals. then i feel like more of a human being.

feeling like a human otm

there can be no humanity for anyone, ever

that is not true at all

isn't it though? isn't it

no. for better or worse, i am always a human being until i'm not

gb you make a great point abt the music re identity and achievement and that occurred to me too. so on Ns suggestion today we're just gonna clean the house, that always makes me feel less gross abt myself .

whoa N's gonna clean?

Haha :) We both did a pretty good team effort! That did cheer me up.

ugh yeah definite rage/bile/bitterness up in here the past two weeks

Picked up a copy of this:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0415998735/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00

to keep me busy; I'm going to go shopping for soldering irons and breadboards and shit over the weekend. Between this and Korean class, hopefully I can keep myself from stabbing my eyes out with promotional Uline pens during my 9-hour cubicle shift (where as of today, I no longer have line of sight to another human being or a window).

Shit, I started telling my therapist my life story and she started crying. I"m starting to realize things were fucked up for me way worse than I thought. I wish I just had depression at this point... damn. Good perspective shift: if you just have depression, you are very lucky and I am jealous of you.

ugh, forgive that, things are just crazy right now.

It's okay man. I feel lucky all the time: my condition's under control, my meds work; I've never been committed or attempted suicide; I'm not an addict; I'm not dead. You probably have things that you can feel lucky about too! Keep working.

there have been times in a group or individual therapy setting where I've described my past and my feelings, and people in the room have responded to the pain.

It's a weird thing. Somehow I want to reassure them that it really isn't that bad, lots of people had it worse; and yet, on the other hand, I'm grateful for the recognition.

This painful stuff is painful. Wrong stuff is wrong. People can see that on paper and feel that in their hearts. We, on the other hand, don't always know what to do with it.

Thanks silby. I know I have some things to feel lucky about, but it's weird coming from a rare and unpleasant background and have so few people understand what it's like. Adds a little to feeling like an outsider in your own community or something. I'm sure I'll get over it at some point.

Agree ZT. It's hard coming to terms with the reality of it, it's pretty painful and almost nonsensical. It's encouraging my therapist actually responded on an emotional level, literally the first time I've seen that in my almost 30 years of life... of course she's the first person I've ever told about this stuff. So much crap happened that was absolutely illegal! Like, my parents should've been thrown in prison for the shit they pulled... it's freakin' crazy to see it that way! At least it's progress. I'm pretty sure both my parents are sociopaths at this point, there's just something completely inhuman about it all.

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I've also started lookin into school options, but it's rough- everything for "mature students" is shoved off onto satellite campuses and the courses are all business/IT/accounting shit. It's bad enough knowing I'll never have a real student life without the realization that getting a liberal arts education is no longer a possibility.
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- muus lääv? :D muus dut :( (Telephone thing), Tuesday, February 5, 2013 Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

One always feels on shaky ground questioning somebody else's thinking, but I have to ask: are you sure it's no longer a possibility? I went to a liberal arts program and had several classmates in their 30s and 40s. One had worked as a firefighter, another had been a cabbie.

Others do not live your life and so they cannot know the depth of your feelings or the dimensions of your need. That means their expectations are grounded in pardonable ignorance - and ignorant expectations ought not be in the driver's seat, steering your life away from what is important to your happiness.

aimless i c+ped this and put it in a sticky on my desktop

ty

yw. I can also snatch flies out of mid-air with my bare hand.

I have been dealing with postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety, something. There are no thoughts of hurting my baby or myself which seem to be on every postpartum depression list. I get out of bed in the morning, shower, dress, put on make-up [don't cry through my day at all] and take care of August daily. When I think of depression and what I have read of postpartum depression, doing those things should be difficult and a struggle if done at all. Throughout the day I am happy to be with August, happy to be a stay at home mom and being able to even catch a tooth appearing. I try and get housework done but don't always accomplish what I'd like until J. gets home. I did think I would have some amount of free time during the day to read or sew or make something for August but if I so much as move a few inches away from her while she sleeps, she immediately wakes up. So I have an opportunity to read or sleep but no art projects. Things will be fine and seemingly without issue. That is, until we leave the house. Doing any sort of shopping, being at a grocery store or mall can wreck my world. The whole hell is other people comes into play....Returning home from shopping leaves me feeling depressed but I can still function. I get over it within 24 hours. Seem to be becoming an agoraphobe.

Reading a blog the other day, the writer described her sister, a new mother, being completely exhausted and unhappy to the point of being dysfunctional. There was an intervention and friends and family took over everything so she could just sleep and eat for a week without worrying about anything. The writer then requested tips and advice. I recommended a nutrition book that is supposed to help wit\h postpartum depression, one that I just bought. It stresses fish oil and omegas and B vitamins. After my comment the writer wrote that she was sorry for ever giving the impression that her sister was suffering from postpartum depression and then went on to say she is fine, we speak daily. Just a small testament to the stigma attached to the condition. She went on to say her sister might have postpartum anxiety.

Seems it is hard to get a clear idea what postpartum depression is. It is based on hormones yet anti-depressants can help. However, many women say anti-depressants threw them way off. The book I am reading makes a good case for bad nutrition prolonging the condition, worsening it, explaining how easily it can happen after having a baby, losing so many nutrients and never really having the time to replenish, constantly falling behind.

On this site to find out what depression is really like.

Has it helped, *tera?

There's an awful lot to read here. Depression comes in a variety of flavours, but the common theme is that none of them taste good. Ask if you have questions.

Agoraphobia seems nail-on-head from your description. You say that when you return home you feel depressed, but do you feel depressed, miserable or exhausted, or some combination?

There is also a thread about anxiety, idk if you've seen it: Severe Anxiety

good luck, tera, facing depression's no easy task but it's possible to get through. i've finally peeled away my depression only to reveal ... post-traumatic stress disorder! apparently there's even a new type of ptsd/disorder in the works for situations like mine.

i always knew i'd be one of those guys sitting inside a glass cube in a lab with diodes attached to my head while three doctors in lab coats jot down notes on clip boards.