Depression and what it's really like

for everything.

another BSSC member over here

I hate the way I sound when I hear myself talking in therapy. Blaaaaah

So, I've been waiting for a moment on here when it didn't seem like I would be rubbing in it, but, as of the last month or so, I'm doing pretty fucking okay! I've been getting out into the world, going to shows and going on dates, and feeling a lot better about myself. I don't know the exact inciting incident (it might have been Sandy, I'm a little ashamed to say, as a week stuck in my apartment really made me reevaluate things), but I've been trying hard to keep it up. Riding my bike whenever I can, doing yoga once a week, trying to hold my head high and do things that might have been socially impossible before but are only socially difficult now... it seems to be working. I've even reconnected with a lot of the people I felt so horrendous about not talking to.

Maybe the biggest thing I've realized: I'm almost glad I've been through these terrible depressions. As much as I've lost, I have an ability to imagine that other people maybe aren't operating at their peak potential, to (at least sometimes) treat them with a kind of compassion that I don't think I would have if I hadn't been through all this. And I'm still me! I've still got my cynicism. I haven't become a foolish blind optimist, the fear of which (at least for me) was one of the many things that kept me from trying to get better.

I'm definitely not out of the woods. Hell, winter hasn't even officially started. But I'm genuinely, actively glad I'm not dead, and that's something I haven't had for a long time and that I really, really don't want to lose.

Thanks to everyone who's said nice things and just made me feel like I wasn't totally alone here.

hey emilys, how'd it go?

as of the last month or so, I'm doing pretty fucking okay!

i'm doing okay too, which seems weird. i always tread carefully when i come close to feeling happy, because it means something awful is about to happen. i mean, historically, that has been the case. i would make a terrible bipolar cuz i never let those highs come through.

xxpist that is good to hear, en!

definitely good to hear. never be afraid to post good news on this thread!

compassion otm

Agree to the 2 posts above!

Spectrum, it was my first time back in there since June. Having a little bit of a lessesning of my panic attacks (thanks to my xannies) gave me time to remember that I still have a shit-ton of other issues to work out, so I'm glad I decided to start going back, but sometimes I just hate hearing myself talk. I sound like such a whiny asshole, and I feel that none of the charm of my personality comes through. (Yes, I am concerned about being "charming" in therapy.) I don't know, I just feel it's difficult to accurately represent myself and my problems-their context and contingencies and all that-in the very short space allotted. This therapist is always booked solid, so the most I can get is an hour every two weeks, and that's with scheduling out far in advance. And at this point I feel like I need to see someone at least twice a week to do any good.

A lot of the appointment yesterday was us just going back and forth on why I was scared to try my med (v1lazodone). She said she was not trying to be dismissive, but to uncover some maybe kind of irrational limitations I was placing on myself, but it felt dismissive. I was saying how it was really hard because right now I don't feel like I have a good support system here to kind of help me through starting it. (With the health anxiety ingesting any new mind-altering substance, or any medicine really, is a big deal for me, plus aforementioned feared about unmasking mania blah blah blah.) And she was all "you don't need to be monitored like an inpatient when you take this" and that's not really what I meant at all. Just wish I had friends around, anyone to lean on. ugh.

sorry so long & rambling

Anyway, I just took the first dose. Trying to remain calm.

So far: drowsy & feel like my kidneys are being punched, but I can live with that.

digging the more upbeat developments in this thread. good job guys

I guess everyone is cured

Been getting some little push throughs, so the evil definitely still lurks within. This is why I've been kind of "overdoing" it (and worrying myself that I might be having a manic episode. I'm totally not, being actively social and taking on a few projects just feels like it in comparison) to positive effect. I had a pretty terrible, scary day where it felt like I'd just lost all my progress on Friday, but then I had a date to get to and the social pressure of that made me buck the hell up. Which is very, very much not to say "all you need to do is suck it up, whiner." I think, though, that as soon as you feel able, loading yourself up, at least for a while, with external things to focus on is a very good idea.

i'm still nuts, just trying to complain less

it's not really working

a cure for life

I've been incredibly depressed and unemployed and I'm convinced it's one of the closer psychological states to hell that the first world has to offer, so you have my total fucking sympathy man. I'm an underachieving screwball and I ended up with an alright job in my industry so even though this never means anything to anyone that needs to hear it, it can absolutely get better.

I ain't cured yet! Good luck with everything emilys, you can get through it... and it's worth it, too. I don't know what else to say, honestly, I'm still coming along.

Shit's making a hell of a lot more sense day after day, can't believe therapy can actually make a difference. My lady therapist has been flirting with me over the past two sessions, dunno what's up with that ... I guess it's only human. I'd like to BOOOINNGGNGNN! but that's probably not a wise decision.

probably not a wise decision.

otm

otm x 1x10^6

flirting how?

nothing grotesque or unethical. now that I think about it, it's just regular attraction kinda crap, it's my male brain that's all "UNF!". I can deal with that.

attraction/transference onto a therapist is pretty common I think? She's probably gotten it before and wouldn't be fazed if you brought up how you were feeling. I might be basing this on The Sopranos though.

Don't jump her like on the Sopranos, though, for God's sake!

i finished my program! will post about it when i organize my thoughts a little more.

congrats, late great!

silby, I'm pretty sure she's legit doing it, there's a definite difference with the way she's been acting. it's not the biggest deal, i'm not gonna make a move or anything and I don't feel uncomfortable, either, because it's not like one of those things you can control. I'm acting weird about this because it still mystifies me that anyone would be attracted to me despite the fact that this happens pretty g-d often.

You sit in a room together and you tell her important secrets and ideas about yourself and she has to focus on you and your story and how she can help you work through it. Whether or not she's attracted to you, that's a super personal relationship in which her attention is on you and it's not a surprise if it starts to feel weird, and if it starts to become a thing like flirting.

When do people usually sit with us, listen so attentively and take so much care to think about us? When they're family or when they fancy us-- and for you obviously family is a dud, so. Occam's razor suggests, and doesn't stop suggesting, even when you know the relationship is professional its content is so personal that your brain automatically makes the association, and your behaviour starts to mimic the personal relationship. And not just for you, for her also. There's a reason the concept of "counter-transference" also exists. There's a reason the history of psychoanalysis is full of people fucking their analysands!

You are probably an eminently fanciable person. Are you very used to people caring so much about who you are, and how you feel, and who you want to be, when they aren't attracted to you?

That's a good way to put it, mimicing a personal relationship. Everything's still professional, she hasn't crossed a line, I haven't either, and don't see that changing. I guess I just need to come to terms with ya know ... people liking me. It's like some earth-shattering event if someone's attracted to me even though it's kinda common stuff when you're an adult. Good thing I'm in therapy!

so like i dunno

programmed the ~~~suicide hotline~~~ into my phone just in case but i don't really see myself calling it soon

i just know that i try to spend as little time at my house as possible in the last 6 months--sleeping at a girl's place or on the street cause i missed the last train or a friend's couch if i play my cards right--but every night among the small handful i spend here in the filth that is my unkept place i find myself drinking and telling myself this is how i blow off steam between otherwise near-constant activity. very much have the sense i'm avoiding certain unpleasant realities (hi near-5 digit tax bill, hi trash that hasn't been picked up in three weeks, hi 4-months-old housemates who've never met me) by hiding in my room with a small bottle, but the relative brevity lets me push through it and forget it in the ensuing rush of activity.

trying to move into the city since i spend all my time there anyway, hoping i pass any attendant credit checks.

it's as i say: i dunno. the guitar has gone dusty. the notebook stiff from remaining too long closed. the rarely-touched pile of dirty clothes in one corner would probably jump if i made a move to wash it, thank god for drawers elsewhere. the bookshelf would surely fall if i looked at it wrong.

i'm the age my parents were when they got married. my prospects at the moment, to put it kindly, are slim--so it's sort of dispiriting in that context to know i have drawers, in the plural, elsewhere.

i guess i'm just saying i recognize myself today as being depressed despite my best efforts to hide it behind activity and busy-ness.

strength

word, hoos.

hoostein much <3 to u

not to be all bossypants but i hope that sleeping on the street is a rare, freak occurence. plz to be safe

bahhh... seems the Big D is trying to snatch my soul the past few days. Just here to send good wishes to everyone. This is a good place. Seriously.

I wrote a long post a few minutes ago but don't think it'll do anyone any good at all. It's "insightful", maybe, but at this point its insight is without clear utility or solution. It can wait.

hoos, i've been reading your ilx posts for years now. as much as I know anything, I know you have the mental tools to dig yourself out of this wretched hole. if you are anything like me (and you are) you need to face up to the terrifying demons you associate with paid employment and recognize that the image of romantic heroism is leading you away from your buddha nature, which is more than a match for all your problems and, when fully brought to bear will have you laughing again. i wish you the best. i wish you yourself back. hang in there. we love you.

^^ esteemdriver

Holy shit. Due in no small part to portions of this thread, I'm now on my third day of Wellbutrin, the first time I've ever taken an anti-depressant.

I wonder if there's a connection between

the fact that I've been spontaneously writing all night, including tweets, a short record review that I posted on amazon and another site, a series of emails, and letters to my congressman and Reps, which is very out of the ordinary for me,

and the fact that today was my third day on an anti-depressant.

So far this feels pretty great. It's not a druggy, narcotic thing like the ADD amphetamines meds I used to take. I just seem to have more mental energy, more focus, and I don't get into the negative thought patterns (about myself and my potential to do something worthwhile) that I usually do.

And yet I'm not numb to my emotions at all. I've been on the verge of tears a bunch of times today over the shooting, and at work I listened to some black metal because I was so angry about the shooting (and I almost never listen to black metal), and then later some of the really heavy, angry Miles stuff because I was feeling low about the shooting. And then at home, my kid was falling apart and I was totally engaged with him.

I'm having a hard time tamping down my expectations about the long-term effect this could have on my emotional state and my ability to function. Apparently there are no major negative side affects for most people. It seems too good to be true.

^my experience pretty much, going on five years on the stuff (plus shrink visits roughly every six weeks).

I still get the "negative thought patterns", but they tend to be of shorter duration and lesser intensity. They also lack that physical dimension of feeling like I have toxic green bile running in my arteries.

Who knows what the long-term side effects are. Maybe we'll all sprout tails in twenty years' time. Right now it seems unambiguously worth it.

Still taking my vilazodone, feeling pretty much the same. Gonna step up to 20 in the next coupla days. Are feelings of worthlessness really a depressive symptom if they are founded in reality? (I am half-kidding.)

My mom has been in generally shitty health for the past several years, and she has a bad flu right now, so it's kind of freaking me out. She is a real champ*, unlike her pussy daughter, so I know she must be really bad off if she's visibly suffering so much. The inevitable day that is coming is not gonna be good for my extremely fragile mental health.

*has dealt with open-heart surgery & really intense anti-viral treatment for hep C with remarkable grit, and just generally has a level of determination and energy that is completely lost on me

don't be so hard on yourself, emilys. you aren't worthless, that could just be the voice in you that hates yourself. that voice is a douche. there's a part of you that loves yourself ... otherwise you wouldn't be in therapy right now. the fact that you are in therapy shows you're strong. stronger than a lot of people I know who struggle.

emilys. i am p sure your mom would tell you she loves and admires you and thinks you are also a champ, not a pussy. the trick is you need to believe she's right and stop listening to the voice inside you that says she's wrong.

Ugh I dunno if it's this time of year or what, been feeling worse this past week than I have in months. The year's been objectively pretty good to me overall but I don't feel that way, and the lack of anything external to blame it on makes me feel guilty for not being more appreciative? Right now I find it hard to acknowledge any progress I've made and I just focus on how my life still isn't what I want it to be.

Ugh, I thought I was getting better cause I had nowhere to go but up after feeling suicidal a few weeks ago, except I'm getting worse these past few days and I just randomly broke down crying for no goddamn reason.

this happens to me every now and again when i feel low. it's a good release though. try and surround yourself with friends as much as you can. also, i think you're the best! <3

all my friends live in the city and i live 45 minutes out and don't really have any expendable gas/bus money though :/

so yeah, i haven't really seen any of my friends in weeks

ugh, i pretty much stay in my house all the time bc i can't afford to go anywhere

sorry that sucks dude. i went through a period of being very down and very disconnected from friends for various reasons. i remember chatting to irl friends online sometimes made it worse and made me feel even more isolated. try and get some fresh air and human interaction even if it's strangers.

Rev, it's a really small thing, but I hope you are supplementing with vitamin D. The lack of sun around Portland these past two months has been brutal.