Blue Saturday

feel very meditative and dreamy today, walked to work listening to all the sounds around me like it was music. gonna be fine as long as i don't have to talk to people or answer sensible question.

ah bollocks.

can ask some nonsense questions if required

i'll be fucked if i'm going to class today

http://www.princeton.edu/~his291/Jpegs/Durer_Melancolia.JPG

at what point do you admit to yourself, without illusions, "i am pretty much a fucking loser"

been wondering that one myself lately

though i think my conclusion has been that if yr still thinking about the question yr probably not one

idk, i wonder if it is possible to fully-inhabit loserness, to cultivate it

my life cycle seems to be:

1. frantic burst of productivity -> 2. crash, burnout -> 3. video games/internet porn -> 4. refreshing same 3 websites for hours on end -> 5. suddenly freaking out at my shit state of living and -> back to 1.

this afternoon was suposed to be 1 but degenerated into 4 pretty quickly and now i'm going to drink wine and probably watch a probably shit game of fitba

was a shit game n all

existential despair as expressed in the sullen form of marouane chamakh

to what d'you compare yourself when deciding losership or not tho

anyone from teilhard de chardin to myself at better times

idk, ideals have fucked me up

i am completely bullshitting this paper that is already a day late, may plead insanity if he doesn't accept it

what is it about?

i don't think procrastinating about papers has anything to do with being or not being a loser

de beauvoir and nietzsche

i guess as a serial procrastinator i would say that tho

you just need to seize the day, the world is your oyster there's no reason you couldn't be out there doing what those other guys are doing

but i hate oysters dad

see that's what i'm fucking talking about, that's getting you nowhere that shit

^ remember like it was yesterday

1st answer = swallowing the void, there isn't an answer, at least we cn bounce this empty stupidity between ourselves and recognise our group bafflement

2nd answer = i thought the woman i was talking to tonight had a learning disability, kept fending her off until we got home and realised she was just hammered, am happy to not take the piss but am crestfell to not talk less stupid

short term leaning disability

sober translation. i thought the woman was throwing herself at me and because i thought she was disabled it felt like i wd be taking bad advantage. but it wd have been a different kind of advantage taking if i'd sussed she was just pissed and since i was pissed too it mightn't have led very far but maybe farther than a brotherly walk home and goddamit why didn't i get a number?

feel bad all day every day

the semester's done. went to the art museum w/ another classmate, looked at the exhibit of byzantine art and talked about shit. feels nice.

http://www.cornwallcommunitynews.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/Popping-Champagne-cork.jpg

yeah well, obviously beauty and truth aren't in any way mutually inexclusive. I just dunno which i prefer, or rather it's a circ-by-circ decision. Much rather my boss was beautiful, like.

when he says beauty is truth is he saying both are in the eye of the beholder or both are objective presences in the world? i think this is the knot Keats meant you to find un-untieable

aslo, is the flapjack the perfect symbol for the wholesome, flavourless tedium of unproductive work?

i am practising or embracing doing just enough to get by in all situations, i'm pretty comfortable with it

mdf byproducts are alright for termites but i like to think that we're a lil higher up the food chain tbph, p sure keats is with me on this one.

I figure he was arguing on universal scale, if he wasn't then he ought have said so and damn the rhymin scheme, this is why i distrust poetry as a method of conveyance, did he really mean that or did it just scan nicely with 'heraclitean' etc etc

flapjacks are like what i imagine goes in horses' nose-bags

if i was being dead honest i'd guess Keats was trying to talk about a universal truth but he overlooked the possibility that he was relativising truth instead of universalising beauty. aslo the fact that poetry is an untrustworthy medium for philosophy kinda tips the balance in favour of beauty over truth imo

poetry as medium that compromises truth is neatly the nub of the matter, but i'm not crediting him with meta on it tbph

All for truth from my philosophers, beauty from my poets, uncomfortable with such issues as may arise with any overlap, but unfortunately it happens

jeez if i'd remembered last night i have performance reviews to do today then maybe i wdn't feel so woozy and tired and bored this morning

darragh are you telling me what you want is, facts?

german from my horse obv

aslo is it me or is ILX a bit sleepy of late?

german from my whores wd be ok

xp if you could even trust facts these days it'd be something but i mean show me a fact, y'know? And don't give me any maths cos i maxed out on that stuff with ms quigley in 1995

ilx is v quiet, i think we shipped a few out durin the last -gate, also footy crowd dwindling, those ppl otm obv

maths isn't facts is it, it's axiomatic

i was just bringing Hard Times into it cos iirc it's a book about truth and beauty being irreconcilable and Dickens thinks people should get off their backsides and join the circus or something

Performance Review is such a pointless exercise carried out in bad faith by people who don't understand what they're doing so it can be filed away somewehre and shown to an inspector who isn't going to look at it at some future date

lately i've been questioning this whole "human beings" project i mean has anybody thought it thru? it doesn't seem to be going anywhere or doing anything important and it's making an awful lot of paperwork for somebody

even culture mostly feels like a chore of late.

written language is ok, might be onto something there. everything feels like such pointless busy-work tho, why the hell can't people learn to sit still and shut up for a bit?

i dunno if you attempt any kind of objective review yr father gets v agitated, is my experience, and tbh this may well be one of those universal truth things we were looking for

Hard Times, the best thing about it is that he's giving you one big fuckoff clue in the title what yr english class is goin to be thru the entire term you get to listen to yr classmates (higher level english group b, ie aim for it but tbh we expect you lot to drop down at some stage lol) 'read' it aloud while you manufacture sleepy snot beside a radiator designed by gilliam's set guy and decorated by rob zombie.

you wdn't live in a place furnished and built like an institutional space so how the hell do they expect you to work in one?

like "hi i'm gonna be spending 7 or 8 hours here today doing some stuff i'm not that invested in for some people who don't really care, cd you maybe make the place a little less ugly and untidy and eyeball-crushing please? kthx"

true but then you wouldnt work at home so tbf tbf

the ugliness is like a place marker? to remind you you're at work?

also tbf it's better than doin such work for ppl who actually care

seriously this is madness, i've got nothing in common with these people, why am i here? i don't even know what i'm achieving. plax was on the money, i need to make rent.