Blue Saturday

Thanks SV, appreciated - think i know a couple of people who can sort me out a card, but will let you know if not.

back at gallery, we finished early yesterday to get the footy in, as we will today. relationships = compromise

Sort of reply to in orbit: Back at parents' for a month now, not a good way to avoid being lost. Amplifies it if anything, emphasises I'm not that guy anymore. Have a couple years worth of study loans left, but what to use them on? Eh, think about it later, and later, etc.

I was sitting reading about Romanesque art and I was just "jesus wtf are you doing? your life is totally unstable, you're skint, lonely, tired and sinking. the fuck you care about Cistercian aesthetic moralising?" x x to the point of tears (and rightly fucking so).

it's not so much the lack of anywhere to find (tho it can be that very much at times) it's my mediocre-to-poor caretaking of my own life. tho the two are entwined ("building to what, you fuck? won't bother"). love, creative imagination, and social engagement seem vital but totally absent.

ugh this is me nearly every day.

it's not saturday but i am not leaving the bed today except for food and toilet.

have a 10 page paper due tuesday; no idea where that's coming from.

be well everybody :)

y'all do whatever it takes to make the day worth living in

and here's some comfort music for a cold wet Sunday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiehI0NDubw

Plate of broccoli disguised as cheesy eggs making it worth getting up. Broccoli lightly coated in...cheese and eggs and pancetta grease.

i felt too hungover to cook but now i think i've made unwise junk food purchases when i shd have bought broccoli. maybe i'll order Chinese takeout later to make up.

Always buy broccoli, you never know when it'll come in handy.

i try and keep frozen veg at all times but broccoli is something i don't have. just remembered i've got cauliflower tho.

i dont rly cook but once i roasted broccoli with parmesan and olive oil and it was quite interesting in a way that i cbfed ever doing again

somewhat more typically today i have consumed half a pack of borderline stale soda bread, a v nice latte and a bottle of cava straight from the bottle cuz all the glasses are dirty and cbfed with dishwasher

Will srsly consider drinking wine off the neck this eve when I venture into tropical storm to smoke--narrow mouth keeps the torrential rain out, u see.

i've had Pringles, sour cream and chive dip, an egg mayo sandwich and a pork and chorizo roll, plus my own bodyweight in orange squash. i definitely need a vegetable.

sturm und drank

how many desperate smokers get carried off by hurricanes every year?

Sort of reply to in orbit: Back at parents' for a month now, not a good way to avoid being lost. Amplifies it if anything

I'll admit that I took longer to leave my parents' than I should have done (health & money problems turned into fear of change) and despite my posts on this thread I feel lost a lot less often than I did then. If nothing else dealing with the day-to-day running of the place instead of letting my parents do most of it keeps me BUSY enough not to think about the lostness so much. But then I am cohabiting, which takes away some of the bleakness at the end of the night when you start thinking "what am I doing with my life, I got home from work and bought food and cooked and washed up and now it is bedtime".

on the "today's diet" subthread, leftover takeaway curry for breakfast (probably more than last night, we over-ordered quite severely), then retreat to the pub for a liquid lunch, and home to graze on supermarket own-brand Wotsit knockoffs. trying to pretend that the presence of two vegetable dishes in the world's greasiest curry make it "healthy" somehow.

it's like the salad on a doner, it's an important part of yr 5 a day

maybe i'll order Chinese takeout later to make up

― Polly Toynbee OK (Noodle Vague), Sunday, October 28, 2012 4:56 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

aw come on, this is TAKEAWAY or 1812 was all in vain

i use a lot less Americanisms than the kids but i have no strong feelings about takeout/takeaway, i think i drifted into takeout cos of echoes of "carry out"

anyway i dunno maybe a curry

"He tilts their tired faces/Gently to the spoon" is a brute of a lyric y'know, especially as weary/stoned as the arrangement feels

Also I think for me (possibly not you) it was impossible for me to live w/ my parents without descending into a vicious circle of being treated like a helpless, untrusted child -> acting like a helpless, untrusted child -> thinking "how could I ever make it on my own when I am like this and it's just the way I am" -> and repeat

there was a slice of lime in my lunchtime booze, also an important part of my 5 a day (certainly the only way I'd ever make it to 5)

descending into a vicious circle of being treated like a helpless, untrusted child -> acting like a helpless, untrusted child -> thinking "how could I ever make it on my own when I am like this and it's just the way I am"

This is actually kind of how my work environment is, and I have taken to it all too readily because tbh it's exactly how I felt when I did live at home. Familiar patterns so easy to fall back into.

...now you mention it there is an element of that to my current job too

jesis chriost ghuys so paingfullty hingopver

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ovg1viheS3I&feature=relmfu

this is so nice

just don't want to be alone but all i ever do is carry on in a way that guarantees being alone lol drunky irony

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bl8bbof547w&feature=related

^this is vertigo inducing but yeah, nice anyway

yeah. that bit around the 9 minute mark where his voice almost seems to lose it made me wonder what kind of unfathomable god that music is reaching towards. now i want to play it again.

http://oriental-traditional-music.blogspot.co.uk/2011/08/ustad-abdul-waheed-khan-died-1949-raga.html

Tracked this down, btw, 48 mins of it - let me know if interested and I can upload a link sometime.

a link to a blog with another of his albums on that site, which i'll enjoy reading. and yeah, if you find time i wd be v. interested

that second one is absolutely perfect right now.

Oh yeah ws about to upload (d/l from p2p) but now i see there is a rapidshare link to the whole of Raga Darbari Kanada (the 48 min track) anyway. I just skimmed past the that, thought only uploaded the art work was uploaded.

The bolingo link has a bit more. That covers the remaining scraps but this has been quite a find. I sort of went on your Turkish ensemble actually looking for another Indian singer then found Waheed youtube by accident, then remembered I read about him years ago and started hunting again for that partic rec and found it!

This guy is amazing...only one listen so far but it will keep me busy.

And what isn't talked about in neither blog is that he taught Pran Nath *who then* taught La Monte Young, so there are further links.

it's a great liberation from the same old tired nexus of emotions imo (<--only feel like this sometimes, other times I like the scrap) - regardless, will follow your investigations.

site also links to this http://qawwal.blogspot.co.uk/ which i'm surprised i haven't come across before but i guess wdn't show high on a google search for me as it's mostly not in English

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPZI6spIUpo

^love this - found it while looking for something by Ritwik Ghatak.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xfZzRyRa87I/TayuRVaLDjI/AAAAAAAAALk/Ci7bC5YjLag/s1600/empty.jpg

am trying hard to grasp nondualism, and to avoid speaking about things.

things keep harassing me tho but :\

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID4LcHzb4jA

trying to navigate this odd tension, between emptying myself and being a peaceful ghost and accepting impermanence; and then being at work and making decisions and judgements and having opinions, creating systems that have value and function tho i don't ultimately believe in those values or functions.

not that i've embraced impermanence either - every time i'm with my children i wanna reject that pain quiet strongly tho i know it won't disappear, in fact i think this is one of the big barriers, and i can imagine a path beyond it but i can't walk that path yet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwjndOmYrug

http://www.flickr.com/photos/64161058@N05/6921407307/sizes/l/

i dunno nv maybe it's best to recognize situations where a stoic/no-mind attitude could be useful as opposed to situations that seem to call for action?

i was gonna post "i like big drinks and i cannot lie" here but then i forgot

i dunno clouds, i feel like no-mind is really necessary or not? i can participate when i'm asked, contrary to my moaning up there, but it feels v. tenuous today. i guess most of us skirt the line of not getting fired as close as we can.

i like everybody's tunes today, just wasn't able to listen at work.

srsly, i got nothing. that's ok.

read a ton of interesting a/theology today when i shd've been working, too

still at it?

aren't we all? /frankie howerd

emotion for continuance

the more i write like Charles Pooter the happier i am

likewise, but veering mor towards aspirations of mencken