Babygirl, unpack yr sweaters and get FABULOUS in FALL gay homo queer &c 2012

Oh totally. Thing is that I'm not describing "fights" as being a result of actual personal differences, but-- in my case, and possibly Alex's-- a manifestation of a desire for stability.

Eight years ago, for example, if bf went out with our friends but didn't call me and let me know, and I'd be working at home instead of being informed that there was 'something happening', there would be a "why didn't you call me" + "did you not want me there" + "do you not want to be with me" flow chart that would turn into an argument.

Now, bf will literally tell me he's going away w/friends for a week (to Istanbul, as I mentioned!) and he'll actually tell me the night before he leaves, like, "surprise! you're not coming! stay here and get some work done!"

Before we agreed to commit, I probably would've had a meltdown but now I'm mostly just charmed.

That said there are other long term relationships I know where that same pushing of boundaries has resulted in one-sided drug use and extra-relationship affairs under the guise of "who cares? we're committed!" and that can get dark indeed

it would literally never occur to me to turn that scenario into a fight. at the very most if i was feeling particularly whiny i would maybe sulk for a minute

Ha yes well this was eight years ago, age 24 or thereabouts, a more dramatic age

whenever i'm feeling hurt or annoyed or whatever it helps me to remember the reason my bf and i decided to stay together in the first place, which is that we admire each other and our respective life goals and that we want to mutually help each other achieve those goals.

right now ph1l is kind of in the supporter mode as i'm not working, which i'm aware could cause tension if one isn't considerate, so i try to be perspicuous in letting him know i'm doing as much as i can to help and that our relationship is one of equals

FBTI, forgive me for this, but have you previously posted here with another handle for awhile? I can't remember and feel bad about it.

er, FGTI :)

I was going to ask too.

Fgti = 0w3n p.

Who was really awesome and wonderful last night and lifted my spirits greatly with a bunch of trivia and hangouts.

Ah, OK! Sorry about that.

Alex, sorry things are more fighty than righty.

And yeah! You're totally on the money about these fights mostly being about the stability thing and misreading each others' signaling re: seriousness and whatnot. It's almost two years in and it feels like a certain level of seriousness is/should exist and sometimes tiny things filtered through
Insecurities call that into question and result in tiffs.

I mean, there are sometimes root problems at the heart of it i.e. specific things to work on, but even then that's filtered through the lens of 'if this probably temporary issue turns into a new static aspect of our relationship what is the impact on my assessment of whether this is long-term viable?'

Which again, he's 22 and I'm 25 this should maybe not be the main concern. But it's floating around there and mixing with some life path uncertainty he has going on and it gets messy

Side note: Guys, I actually replied to a message from someone on OKC. Noncommittally, but this is kinda a big step for me. Next up, sending one.

Honestly I was feeling totally A+ by the time I got home at 5 am about just giving him some space to figure out where he is at with stuff and not overcrowd, but then he called this morning to say he was glad we had the talk we did last night about ~stuff~ and that the space will be good but said it in a way that is weird and vaguely non-committal about what direction we are moving in? Like after a direct question it seems that we are still boyfriends but he thinks space to figure things out for each of us without expectations would be good? Which sounds like a break but he's not wanting/calling this a break and he's being totally vague on if he still wants to be seeing each other a few times a week or if he means -space- space. So essentially I'm just gonna relax and play it by ear and wait to hear from him whenever he figures it out. Talking about it or actively trying to convince him of something will only get his back up.

Feeling strangely zen about it all.

Which means for the time being I can shut up about my relationship drama and instead be REALLY EXCITED for Eric. Yay!

Also, Lex, don't worry - "why have I not finished my shit that I need to do in time to socialize without guilt?" Is a question I perpetually face also.

Looks like handle changes are all the rage lately! I'm the poster formerly known as j3r.fa1ra11, btw. Felt like it was time to make myself less googleable.

Alex, really sorry to hear that things are crap right now. It's funny, I always feel severely ill equipped at giving out relationship advise despite being in one of 10+ years. I have to think its a combination of sheer luck and the commitment and insistence of a strong willed partner that has kept us together this long. Certainly this is something I could not have managed through my own efforts without the assistance of the some combination of the two.

The 20s are rocky for long term relationships, I guess, particularly the part where you are still working out the direction your life is going in terms of career and whatnot. The cool part is when you reach the point where you know that whatever you end up doing, they're likely to follow (and vice versa). It certainly lessens the anxieties of career and relationship when you know that one is settled. And as for Lex's issue, only thing I can say is that the guilt over not socializing later turns into, even when/if yr living together, guilt over ignoring them while you work. Especially if your S.O. thinks it's kind of silly and mean for you to be ignoring him and the puppy in the next room so you can crank out overthought opinions on Justin Bieber.

And yeah, the whole "will every fight result in a break up?" stage is the worst. I wouldn't go back to that for anything.

(that Justin Bieber thing was a specific personal reference, btw. I don't remember if Lex has reviewed any Bieber, or ignored anyone in the process of doing so.)

Hey, so I finally got together with D again last night. (Btw, +1 to coshowering) I really like him but I kind of have the problem lex does but maybe moreso cause he lives in the city and I live 45 mins out and only go down to Seattle once or twice a week (or not) for social/cultural things. And when I was in the city for several days continuously earlier this month, he was visiting home in Detroit. A couple other times we tried to arrange something together one of us was busy or not up for it. So we finally just got together again after like a month plus. We really like each other though!

As a side note, and maybe this is TMI, I kind of have a sexual conundrum. I really enjoy being submissive, but I really do not enjoy being penetrated. One kind of leads to the other though. I love the idea in theory and fantasize about it all the time but when it happens I'm just kind of like...oh right, I don't like that. Trying to figure out how to reconcile this.

well, there are all kinds of ways to be submissive, as I'm sure you've discovered. Do what makes you (and somebody else) happy.

xpost practice

I'm glad this has gone TMI. One of my problems with the guy I'm seeing is his confessions of liking "deviant" (his word) sex with strangers: bus stops, rest stops, gas stations. Although I'm not prude and don't mind open relationships, my reluctance to get penetrated has become -- no other phrase -- a sore point. I'm still wary of him, his impulsiveness, and the theoretical plagues he carries.

uh, that is basically gone beyond psychological danger into actual physical danger. i would avoid, for real.

Yeah, that's like the difference between liking horror movies and being in one.

Stevie, with whom I discussed this the other day, agreed. I love my independence so much though that I wonder whether I second guess myself: using quirks, fetishes, and neuroses to avoid the complexity of dealing intimately with another human being.

I pursued Ortonesque deviancy at various times but never did any 'high risk' activities.... it sounds like you know this is not the case with this guy.

i'm ok with indulging quirks/fetishes/neuroses so long as they're not adverse or harmful to the myself/the other person/the relationship and the other person is willing to indulge in mine a little too, since i certainly have some of my own. otoh, the sort of thing you describe, alfred, sounds pretty risky and i wouldn't put up with it personally.

i used to say that i was the total inverse of a "bossy bottom" ("timid top"?)

In his defense, he sounds ready to be monogamous but I can't get reststopsexgerms out of my head.

It's not clear to me the specific thing that is causing you worry about health. Is it a. The sex w/ strangers, per se, b. The location of those encounters, c. Specific "deviant" activities that are likely to cause infection?

I've done it in apartments that were less clean than rest stops.

The most dangerous thing I've ever done was leave his apartment while he was sleeping and not lock the door behind me.

You've had sex before????

zing

Wait that sounded really rude and wasn't supposed to

Rev, is it a pain thing? Bcz I've talked to (and uh shown) a lot of guys who were averse to bottoming bcz tbey were doing it wrong (going too fast, not stretching enough, not enough lube, awk position, etc.) Like you really don't want to be putting a cock in there unless you've been doing it regularly or you've spent a good 10-15 minutes with some fingers first.

Though if it's a nervousness/mental discomfort thing that is different

It is worth persistence though bcz when you get it right it is like daaaaaamn

^^^ (moments when you forget that lots of other non-gays follow this thead oops sry loltmi)

Eh, think of it as educating the masses.

itt: butthole pleasures

Xposts I can count the number on one hand, so basically no, I haven't.

butthole pleasures

someone with photoshop skills needs to get to work altering the joy division album cover

Wait number of ppl or number of TIMES? Or are their boundaries coterminous?

lol @ coterminous

pain; not a lot of pleasure

also alfred: get tested together, let him know you won't put up with high-risk activities

good idea!

pain; not a lot of pleasure

Stevie's Guide To The Butt:

• lots of lube*, both on you and him
• slooowwwly start with one finger, then two fingers, then three
• take dat pee-pee

*NEVER use lube w numbing agents (often marketed as anal-specific lube though some anal-specific lubes are just thicker and have no numbing chemicals), bcz if it hurts yr body is telling you to stop. NEVER use a "warming" lube (trust).

People, tho times easily on two hands.

Deborah Kerr: "Not without an adding machine!"

More like Deborah Whorr.

http://youtu.be/yydxdWaoOJg