Blue Saturday

maybe not so much trying to work out what's to be done in any urgent sense as just finding it more interesting to meditate than to get on with the things that other people think i should get on with.

maybe literally i don't think the unexamined life is worth living.

but everything i say is only prescriptive for me.

blocks of contemplation is mostly what i look for in everything now but maybe also mostly all i feel able to do now. keep searching for music as an enveloping sea of sound without the marks of human interference even though i know, i know.

maybe just shut up and work for a bit, dummkopf

I don’t know where my interests lie. Some people would say I am a lazy man. Some people would say I am a self-centred man. Those opinions may be justified. I don’t know if those words, “lazy” or “self-centred”, are criticisms, or unchangeable aspects of human personality, or virtues, or empty words.

Feeling this a lot lately. Apparently there are people who don't hate their jobs, I don't know? Why don't I really like to do anything except exactly what I want to do at that moment? Am I a horrible baby? Etc.

because i work with people with autism spectrum conditions and because i see similar personality traits in my family and because i fixate on what i want and not what i have to do i sometimes ponder the inference, but a medical answer wouldn't be much of an answer to me either. i don't care about whether it's right to suck it up, i don't want to suck it up.

Haha. Same. It's also not about hard work, because I'll work my ass off in terrible conditions as long as I give a shit, you know? It's the boredom....

Some times I think I should have apprenticed to a woodworker instead of going to college. How do I turn this around? I don't know how much of my life I'm willing to sacrifice to do something less numbing for a living. Move across the country? Move back to my parents' at 36? I don't have the money to go back to school, or to stop working for even a month, or to move....

Hey this thread is fun. Sorry for hijacking, though. Carry on, I'm going to do some meaningless paperwork now.

can't hijack a thread that meanders where it wants :)

hey how bout that new radiohead joint huh

http://imageshack.us/a/img90/5210/76887629.jpg

hey! hey! i can relate

best wishes to everyone else who has ever thought "am I lazy, self-centred, a horrible baby? why can I not get my act together, engage sufficient willpower to Improve Myself in employable or other manners, not live in a pigsty forever going 'oh shit, a Final Notice'*, actually work out what I even want from life? etc"

(* srsly thank the universe for direct debit doing the little job of remembering 99% of my bills for me, otherwise I would have been living in a gutter since approx 20 minutes after I moved out of my parents' house)

the sad thing is right now I actually don't hate my job (in theory, at least) and can figure out some things to do that would make me better at it, dislike myself less, and would in theory be all-round good things to have done, but the actual doing them? ahh... maybe next week? you see I am very tired lately, permanently, and so on

otm, with a larger looming feeling that at 31 i should prob actually start deciding between economics, english or accountancy and maybe get on dat ting, seeing as physics, law, computer science and joining the public service til i work it out....haven't worked out

It kind of seems like a liability that I've made my personal life into something I like so much? Because I do, I love it. But maybe it's just a distraction from not having really committed to job or calling? Is it fundamentally immature to put having a "fun" or "good" life ahead of being professionally successful or fulfilled?

Also the more fulfilling and useful my life gets the more I resent spending 2/3 of my waking hours in a sunless box, pushing buttons and massaging egos.

wow you have a button that does that?

Jesus wept, just so fucking lost, you know?

(and sorry for piggy-backing the thread NV - went to the depression thread but it was active and my own complaints felt comparatively frivolous.)

help yourself :(

lostness is a large part of this thread

thanks NV and yes, it was the first thread that sprang to mind, for the pinpoint expressions of lostness that can be found here. well, that and the music. come for the depression stay for the tunes. and it's Saturday as well I guess.

in the pub. it doesn't help. but it doesn't help less uselessly than everything else.

going out in a bit, watch some football, hang with cronies, poverty and sore throat and the anxiety twitches scheduled for some time tomorrow.

but if i'm good and i get my shit together i'm gonna go bus ride into the country tomorrow to the beautiful church at Patrington where somebody's apparently gonna play some Steve Reich and Philip Glass and some dude i've not heard of called Golijov who looks a bit hmmm not sure. sounds like a better way of using my loneness than the drinky award fishing for women who like ropey drunks tho.

awkward fishing, maybe i meant

golijov got a fair bit of lurid praise in the broadsheet supplements last time classical music needing saving iirc

seems a bit film-scorey from the summaries i've read but we'll see how it plays

and the thing about being lost...the thing is

i don't know if there's anywhere to find

going out in a bit, watch some football, hang with cronies, poverty and sore throat and the anxiety twitches scheduled for some time tomorrow.

but if i'm good and i get my shit together i'm gonna go bus ride into the country tomorrow to the beautiful church at Patrington where somebody's apparently gonna play some Steve Reich and Philip Glass and some dude i've not heard of called Golijov who looks a bit hmmm not sure. sounds like a better way of using my loneness than the drinky award fishing for women who like ropey drunks tho.

yeah friend just invited me to come round and watch Jeff Stelling and look after the dog, but Stelling's near artistic level of omniconpetence is not what I need right now. There's always Paul Merson I guess.

description of yr day tomorrow has genuinely cheered me up slightly (such things exist!). tho when I went to a cello concert recently (Bach, Zimmerman, and a feeblr composition by the cellist himself) the cellist got cramp in his finger near the climax of the Bach final movement.

It was appealingly in how it exposed the frailty of virtuoso performance, but I was in deep by that stage and it was frustrating and jarring.

Lol @ golijov being played at all.

Reich and Glass have their moments so hope its good. xp = hi there fizzles :)

feeblr

social networking for emotionally frail hipsters.

btw fizzles, you shd go to the Pre-Raphs @ tate = went yesterday, totally cheered me up too.

and the thing about being lost...the thing is

i don't know if there's anywhere to find

I was sitting reading about Romanesque art and I was just "jesus wtf are you doing? your life is totally unstable, you're skint, lonely, tired and sinking. the fuck you care about Cistercian aesthetic moralising?" x x to the point of tears (and rightly fucking so).

it's not so much the lack of anywhere to find (tho it can be that very much at times) it's my mediocre-to-poor caretaking of my own life. tho the two are entwined ("building to what, you fuck? won't bother"). love, creative imagination, and social engagement seem vital but totally absent.

hi xyzzzz__!

btw fizzles, you shd go to the Pre-Raphs @ tate = went yesterday, totally cheered me up too.

thanks - definitely need to do that. will go when I get paid.

well i don't know that it's any consolation that somebody else is skint, lonely, tired and sinking but there it is, we are a club, if not a very exclusive one

it's a consolation. and as you say, welcome to the majority of any population. back to the pub. thanks for the time and space to give forth.

i went to 1 natural history museum and 1 national gallery, this is very undmcy behaviour iirc

Un-D.M.C.

fizzles i may not be ideal therapist but want to get a drink let off steam etc this week?

cheers woof - yeah I shd be around, though not much to vent I suspect. the details always seem both ineffable and mundane. + work and emergent hivernal instincts keeping me off the streets at the moment. but a drink is always good (and convivial conversation is always the best therapy). will get in touch at some point.

I should be able to borrow a card from work that'll get you in to the pre-Raphs for free. ILX-mail me if you are interested.

Thanks SV, appreciated - think i know a couple of people who can sort me out a card, but will let you know if not.

back at gallery, we finished early yesterday to get the footy in, as we will today. relationships = compromise

Sort of reply to in orbit: Back at parents' for a month now, not a good way to avoid being lost. Amplifies it if anything, emphasises I'm not that guy anymore. Have a couple years worth of study loans left, but what to use them on? Eh, think about it later, and later, etc.

I was sitting reading about Romanesque art and I was just "jesus wtf are you doing? your life is totally unstable, you're skint, lonely, tired and sinking. the fuck you care about Cistercian aesthetic moralising?" x x to the point of tears (and rightly fucking so).

it's not so much the lack of anywhere to find (tho it can be that very much at times) it's my mediocre-to-poor caretaking of my own life. tho the two are entwined ("building to what, you fuck? won't bother"). love, creative imagination, and social engagement seem vital but totally absent.

ugh this is me nearly every day.

it's not saturday but i am not leaving the bed today except for food and toilet.

have a 10 page paper due tuesday; no idea where that's coming from.

be well everybody :)

y'all do whatever it takes to make the day worth living in

and here's some comfort music for a cold wet Sunday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiehI0NDubw

Plate of broccoli disguised as cheesy eggs making it worth getting up. Broccoli lightly coated in...cheese and eggs and pancetta grease.

i felt too hungover to cook but now i think i've made unwise junk food purchases when i shd have bought broccoli. maybe i'll order Chinese takeout later to make up.

Always buy broccoli, you never know when it'll come in handy.

i try and keep frozen veg at all times but broccoli is something i don't have. just remembered i've got cauliflower tho.

i dont rly cook but once i roasted broccoli with parmesan and olive oil and it was quite interesting in a way that i cbfed ever doing again

somewhat more typically today i have consumed half a pack of borderline stale soda bread, a v nice latte and a bottle of cava straight from the bottle cuz all the glasses are dirty and cbfed with dishwasher