Blue Saturday

time has slowed right down to an awesome crawl since i got my tsikoudia on

same sluggish drip as the frozen spirit out the bottle

icically how u slowit down to an extent. These phones are making the time slow n all, think i prefer yr version

think slowitdown has always been part of my love for the booze, than and anchorage in a proper reality that's less full of head-wasps and the inevitable

that "IV my people" upthread's a bit good isn't it?

also I was chuffed to have got out of having to tek kids to fair this year, I'm far too much of a cooped-up miser to enjoy it.

ha! i always used to hate going to the fair and now i'm a single loser who misses them in the week i love it - no miserablism.

Supreme NTM are def worth everybody's attention, won't front that my french is good enough to pick up all the lyrics but their flow is beautiful.

i need to pull my head out of my batty and come out for a drink with you and chris et al soon

went outside for a fag and two nice young men wandered buy, asked me for a roll-up and then offered me some chemicals

serendipity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFjle_sTE1A

adventure time

dryness at sea i cd live with. those guys made up for it back at home, "3 day millionaires" was the common term for them, tailored suits, spending large, then back away again

'...like the 'Sinker', the man who sank the shafts at the Mickley pit,
who thought nothing of being let down on a frosty morning into a
flooded pit up to his chest, baling water into buckets to be drawn up
to the top. To let off steam he saved his wages for a month or so then
headed for the town to blow them all on beer, which called 'lowsening
his skin'.'

i need to pull my head out of my batty and come out for a drink with you and chris et al soon

yep indeed! give chris a ring and we'll sort out a pint or six.

well, maybe not the beer :/

lol

spot the northern softy imo, you mention pints he assumes beer

I have a bunch of things to do today. I have a bunch of things to do every day. Most of those things I don’t want to do, I have no interest in doing. I don’t know where my interests lie. Some people would say I am a lazy man. Some people would say I am a self-centred man. Those opinions may be justified. I don’t know if those words, “lazy” or “self-centred”, are criticisms, or unchangeable aspects of human personality, or virtues, or empty words. I don’t know if all words aren’t empty.

When I start to write I do so with the idea that it might help me to think. I was going to say “in the belief” rather than “with the idea” but I don’t think this thought is as confident as a belief. I simply hope – hope? – that by writing things down I can tease out a train of thought, like untangling very knotted string. But I suspect that the fact of setting a word down onto the page, even if the page is as ephemeral and immaterial as this computer document, makes a decision for me, or edges out possible thoughts that haven’t reached the point of expression – by expression not suggesting that the thought lies somewhere pre-linguistic waiting to be bodied in language so that the reader – and I don’t know who I intend the reader to be, since in one way I’m speaking to myself but in another way I’m sure I intend to broadcast these words somehow because I’d welcome the response of a voice that isn’t mine to help me try to understand what I’m saying, even though I’ll likely disagree with that exterior voice because my own – vanity? – won’t want to acknowledge any criticism, or rather any idea that might prod me out of my comfortable sloth – so that the reader gains direct access to my inner pre-linguistic consciousness, an access I don’t appear to have myself, by the way, except inasmuch as I’m the reader.

That went interminable.

I have a bunch of things to do today and I can’t sit here right now listening to this mp3 of birdsong and passing traffic because I have to go to work, for a while, otherwise I won’t be able to afford my house and I’ll end up living somewhere entirely unsuitable for accommodating the children when they want to come to stay, even though personally right now I don’t think I care where I live, even though I know I would care as soon as I had to live somewhere uncomfortable, physically or psychically or whatever else. Even though it’s easy to be romantic when you’re warm and peaceful, easy to pretend you don’t care about hardship when you’re not experiencing hardship. I have a bunch of things to do today and really I’d much rather sit here untangling this string, tangling it maybe, more likely.

So I’m going to post my writing in the space that I’ve made here because, like I said, the point of writing is maybe to invite other writing to come over and inter-write itself with yours. Maybe. I don’t know very much, I’m sure of that. And every piece of this writing that I set out to do now – acknowledging that I often get bored of games very quickly and give them up and move on because I seem to be quite distractable, maybe – is going to finish not because I’ve finished thinking but because I’ve got a tedious bunch of other things to do.

admirably expressed. i'm better at getting the immediate things done than i ever was, and i suspect this makes me a marginally more useful human fetcher than was previously the case. Print this. Sort this. Stamp this. Show these ones all that. I'm awaiting the presumed payoff to becoming an expert checklister. Presumably somebody with a big enough pointing finger will come along one day and point out the point.

work huh?

not exclusively! could have expanded to meet these ppl here, play footy here, pay rent now, clean this, shave that, cook this, read this, remember that all this is v. enjoyable and fulfilling you ingrate.

a driving lesson here, some bills to pay, some cards to send, some pubs to keep out of. i'm learning - or being coached in - the art of thinking more than 3 hours ahead, so i don't drink myself to the point of failing to turn up for work the next day. but i don't like thinking more than 3 hours ahead. i'm not sure i like living in a fog or drunkover either but that's a slightly different point.

i'm not whining, i feel like i'm calmly examining the situation i find myself in and trying to work out what's to be done. the fact that tens of millions of people might find themselves in a very similar situation with no clue what's to be done is of no consequence to me tbh. or another tens of millions of people who think they know exactly what's to be done but that looks like death and madness to me, that's of no consequence, i don't want to scribble on anybody else's map of the world.

there are thousands of millions of people with completely different maps. some of them might be more interesting than others.

maybe not so much trying to work out what's to be done in any urgent sense as just finding it more interesting to meditate than to get on with the things that other people think i should get on with.

maybe literally i don't think the unexamined life is worth living.

but everything i say is only prescriptive for me.

blocks of contemplation is mostly what i look for in everything now but maybe also mostly all i feel able to do now. keep searching for music as an enveloping sea of sound without the marks of human interference even though i know, i know.

maybe just shut up and work for a bit, dummkopf

I don’t know where my interests lie. Some people would say I am a lazy man. Some people would say I am a self-centred man. Those opinions may be justified. I don’t know if those words, “lazy” or “self-centred”, are criticisms, or unchangeable aspects of human personality, or virtues, or empty words.

Feeling this a lot lately. Apparently there are people who don't hate their jobs, I don't know? Why don't I really like to do anything except exactly what I want to do at that moment? Am I a horrible baby? Etc.

because i work with people with autism spectrum conditions and because i see similar personality traits in my family and because i fixate on what i want and not what i have to do i sometimes ponder the inference, but a medical answer wouldn't be much of an answer to me either. i don't care about whether it's right to suck it up, i don't want to suck it up.

Haha. Same. It's also not about hard work, because I'll work my ass off in terrible conditions as long as I give a shit, you know? It's the boredom....

Some times I think I should have apprenticed to a woodworker instead of going to college. How do I turn this around? I don't know how much of my life I'm willing to sacrifice to do something less numbing for a living. Move across the country? Move back to my parents' at 36? I don't have the money to go back to school, or to stop working for even a month, or to move....

Hey this thread is fun. Sorry for hijacking, though. Carry on, I'm going to do some meaningless paperwork now.

can't hijack a thread that meanders where it wants :)

hey how bout that new radiohead joint huh

http://imageshack.us/a/img90/5210/76887629.jpg

hey! hey! i can relate

best wishes to everyone else who has ever thought "am I lazy, self-centred, a horrible baby? why can I not get my act together, engage sufficient willpower to Improve Myself in employable or other manners, not live in a pigsty forever going 'oh shit, a Final Notice'*, actually work out what I even want from life? etc"

(* srsly thank the universe for direct debit doing the little job of remembering 99% of my bills for me, otherwise I would have been living in a gutter since approx 20 minutes after I moved out of my parents' house)

the sad thing is right now I actually don't hate my job (in theory, at least) and can figure out some things to do that would make me better at it, dislike myself less, and would in theory be all-round good things to have done, but the actual doing them? ahh... maybe next week? you see I am very tired lately, permanently, and so on

otm, with a larger looming feeling that at 31 i should prob actually start deciding between economics, english or accountancy and maybe get on dat ting, seeing as physics, law, computer science and joining the public service til i work it out....haven't worked out

It kind of seems like a liability that I've made my personal life into something I like so much? Because I do, I love it. But maybe it's just a distraction from not having really committed to job or calling? Is it fundamentally immature to put having a "fun" or "good" life ahead of being professionally successful or fulfilled?

Also the more fulfilling and useful my life gets the more I resent spending 2/3 of my waking hours in a sunless box, pushing buttons and massaging egos.

wow you have a button that does that?

Jesus wept, just so fucking lost, you know?

(and sorry for piggy-backing the thread NV - went to the depression thread but it was active and my own complaints felt comparatively frivolous.)

help yourself :(

lostness is a large part of this thread

thanks NV and yes, it was the first thread that sprang to mind, for the pinpoint expressions of lostness that can be found here. well, that and the music. come for the depression stay for the tunes. and it's Saturday as well I guess.

in the pub. it doesn't help. but it doesn't help less uselessly than everything else.

going out in a bit, watch some football, hang with cronies, poverty and sore throat and the anxiety twitches scheduled for some time tomorrow.

but if i'm good and i get my shit together i'm gonna go bus ride into the country tomorrow to the beautiful church at Patrington where somebody's apparently gonna play some Steve Reich and Philip Glass and some dude i've not heard of called Golijov who looks a bit hmmm not sure. sounds like a better way of using my loneness than the drinky award fishing for women who like ropey drunks tho.

awkward fishing, maybe i meant

golijov got a fair bit of lurid praise in the broadsheet supplements last time classical music needing saving iirc

seems a bit film-scorey from the summaries i've read but we'll see how it plays

and the thing about being lost...the thing is

i don't know if there's anywhere to find

going out in a bit, watch some football, hang with cronies, poverty and sore throat and the anxiety twitches scheduled for some time tomorrow.

but if i'm good and i get my shit together i'm gonna go bus ride into the country tomorrow to the beautiful church at Patrington where somebody's apparently gonna play some Steve Reich and Philip Glass and some dude i've not heard of called Golijov who looks a bit hmmm not sure. sounds like a better way of using my loneness than the drinky award fishing for women who like ropey drunks tho.

yeah friend just invited me to come round and watch Jeff Stelling and look after the dog, but Stelling's near artistic level of omniconpetence is not what I need right now. There's always Paul Merson I guess.

description of yr day tomorrow has genuinely cheered me up slightly (such things exist!). tho when I went to a cello concert recently (Bach, Zimmerman, and a feeblr composition by the cellist himself) the cellist got cramp in his finger near the climax of the Bach final movement.

It was appealingly in how it exposed the frailty of virtuoso performance, but I was in deep by that stage and it was frustrating and jarring.

Lol @ golijov being played at all.

Reich and Glass have their moments so hope its good. xp = hi there fizzles :)

feeblr

social networking for emotionally frail hipsters.

btw fizzles, you shd go to the Pre-Raphs @ tate = went yesterday, totally cheered me up too.

and the thing about being lost...the thing is

i don't know if there's anywhere to find

I was sitting reading about Romanesque art and I was just "jesus wtf are you doing? your life is totally unstable, you're skint, lonely, tired and sinking. the fuck you care about Cistercian aesthetic moralising?" x x to the point of tears (and rightly fucking so).

it's not so much the lack of anywhere to find (tho it can be that very much at times) it's my mediocre-to-poor caretaking of my own life. tho the two are entwined ("building to what, you fuck? won't bother"). love, creative imagination, and social engagement seem vital but totally absent.

hi xyzzzz__!

btw fizzles, you shd go to the Pre-Raphs @ tate = went yesterday, totally cheered me up too.

thanks - definitely need to do that. will go when I get paid.

well i don't know that it's any consolation that somebody else is skint, lonely, tired and sinking but there it is, we are a club, if not a very exclusive one

it's a consolation. and as you say, welcome to the majority of any population. back to the pub. thanks for the time and space to give forth.