If you could push a button and simply cease to exist, would you press it?

lol you're all dealwithit.gif

a loaded gun won't set you free (so u ssay) - ian curtis

I was deeply depressed from around age 15 to my mid-twenties and I really wanted to not exist, but I never wished to die; all I wanted is to never have existed. I fantasized of being able to eradicate my existence so that no one would miss me because there was never a me to miss.

I'm doing better now, but still there are times when I find consciousness really burdensome even during good and fun times (the idea of an afterlife is horrifying to me - I want to know that one day my consciousness will stop!). Furthermore, I hate that when I die, chances are that my passing will cause others anguish, so while that not-suicide non-existence button isn't what I crave anymore, it still seems interesting.

if pushing the button removes your existence w/out causing distress to others, and not pushing it means that one day you will die and others will experience distress, does that mean you are obligated to push the button in order to keep others from feeling distress? and if you are not obligated to push the button just to save others the feeling of distress, why not? what is the right you have to exist, despite that existence ultimately leading to others feeling sad?

Well yeh, that's what makes the button interesting.

But I guess you shouldn't press it b/c you wouldn't want to seem ungrateful for each of the hundreds gifts of days and days that every person is given.

i was thinking about ren and stimpy and this thread last night honestly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ku2wFaaPAzI

The right you have to exist is also the burden you have to offset through your works the misery your passing will cause. Fortunately this isn't that difficult (first step is get off ILX tho)

I don't want to lose my consciousness, I have a vivid imagination!!1!

srlsy, an end to consciousness is the one thing that terrifies me about death

that and a lack of what my equivalent to darraghmac's toffee crisps are

i think it might be cherry ripe but i will need to check

otm

srlsy, an end to consciousness is the one thing that terrifies me about death

― Doping Makes Your Arm Strong (King Boy Pato), Monday, October 15, 2012 7:04 AM (21 minutes ago) Bookmark

how do you feel about sleeping

used to terrify me as a kid tbh

I would not push the button. But I also wouldn't trust myself to even be around that button on the off chance that I pushed it.

I get the same feeling about balconies/ledges. Not afraid of heights, but don't trust myself not to just throw myself off of them.

it's amazing how much i don't trust my own future instincts. like you say, i generally avoid high ledges with no barriers in case i go suddenly and briefly insane and decide to just jump off.

leave me out of this

"high ledges with no barriers" heh

i don't get high anymore and have a few barriers so i think i'm safe.

I couldn't find anything worth buying at Target yesterday. Knowing consumerism had failed me, I figured pushing this button might have been a better alternative to such a boring sunday afternoon

I had 5 rehearsals and a concert in the past 48 hours

the appeal of the button is beginning to reveal itself

also, if you're ever really frustrated by the fact there's nothing good on television, the button sounds nice

i would prefer this to be a thread where we discuss our daily itinerary and debate whether we'd rather be doing what we're doing right now or opt for the void

just had coffee, not pushing the button right now.

I haven't experienced anything in life to make me not want to push the button.

Not pushing the button would be a pretty selfish thing to do. Think of how many resources each of us takes up during the course of our lives.

can I have yr resources after you push the button?

Only if you share.

The button actually just sends you a copy of The Secret.

does it happen as soon as you press the button, or when you release it?

coffee effect disappears, pushes button

i'm more eager to see these poll results than any other ilx poll in a while, i must say

jim furyk, in post ryder cup meltdown despair, decides to hit button, spends eternity missing it from six inches

I get the same feeling about balconies/ledges. Not afraid of heights, but don't trust myself not to just throw myself off of them.

Oh wow! I forgot how I used to constantly think like this as a kid! Not just about suicidey stuff, but about all kinds of outrageous things like if I saw a baby at a store, I'd worry that I'd mutilate it. I didn't have the urge to mutilate the baby, but I was worried that it might happen.

As a teen I also used to worry that I was on hard drugs without knowing it. I would get sweaty and shaky trying to remember every minute of the last week to make sure I hadn't started taking drugs. But of course I didn't remember sleeping, so I was terrified I had nocturnal alcoholism and a smack habit. I'd never done drugs, so I didn't understand that I'd know if I was addicted.

Fucking Nancy Regan and after school specials gave me a ridiculously inaccurate concept of what drugs do.

As a teen I also used to worry that I was on hard drugs without knowing it. I would get sweaty and shaky trying to remember every minute of the last week to make sure I hadn't started taking drugs.

Love you, Je55e, but this is fucking mental. :D

Like, don't get me wrong, I completely understand that sort of second-guessing one's personal mental state.

I have wanted a stream of consciousness thread for such a long time. is this it.

Really?

Not even by reading what it's 'like' and imagining the 'feeling' ?

xposts obv

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Imp_of_the_Perverse

i have had a fear very much like that -- more in terms of valuable things. babies, sure, but also priceless objects, people's stuff. i still have breath-catching moments when i'm in museums, which is pretty funny because i love them.

really i think this is a fear of responsibility. or maybe the mind rehearsing worst-case scenarios. what's the shittiest thing that could happen right now? what would i have to do to make that happen -- ok don't do that!

xp yes that "imp" thing -- i was just looking for a an article in the times (?) that got into the psychology of that, i know we talked about it here somewhere

I've had dreams where I've taken hard drugs / psychedelics which is pretty confusing because it allows my mind to account for all sorts of crazy shit

i have had a fear very much like that -- more in terms of valuable things. babies, sure, but also priceless objects, people's stuff. i still have breath-catching moments when i'm in museums, which is pretty funny because i love them.

really i think this is a fear of responsibility. or maybe the mind rehearsing worst-case scenarios. what's the shittiest thing that could happen right now? what would i have to do to make that happen -- ok don't do that!

― there is no dana, only (goole), Monday, 15 October 2012 16:52 (49 seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I always wonder if this relates to tourettes, where most people have a thing where their brain says "yes, doing this would be socially dangerous/unacceptable so don't do it" but people who are affected by it sometimes can't help acting on these instincts? I dunno much about the syndrome beyond a couple of tv docs though...

if I saw a baby at a store, I'd worry that I'd mutilate it. I didn't have the urge to mutilate the baby, but I was worried that it might happen

when I was a crazy depresso sleep-deprived student I was in a doctor's waiting room with a narrow aisle between two rows of chairs, and someone came in with a very tiny baby in a not-so-tiny baby carrier which they put on the floor in the aisle, and I started to think "what if I'm called for my appointment and stumble and tread on that tiny baby's soft, fragile skull" which turned into "what if I'm called for my appointment and on my way past I suddenly tread on etc etc why because I suddenly, uncontrollably FEEL LIKE IT even though I am horrified by the very thought"

then I spent the rest of the waiting time in a loop of "what if I am making it worse by thinking about it" "oh god I can't stop thinking about it"

NB I did not tread on the baby and I should probably not have posted this from work, ahem

obsessive thoughts

i think what we know about tourette's is that it's not a personality-level disorder at all, it's 'deeper' in the brain

my understanding of tourettes (i have a sibling w/ it) is that the tics are more obsessive repetitive behaviors than lack of filter. my sibling can suppress tics, but it's extremely wearying.

feeling your neuroticisms

I used to (and very rarely, now, thanks to lifestyle changes) get into really nasty anxiety loops. I would wake up first thing in the morning, and immediately fixate on something that had gone wrong, or a social interaction I felt awkward about, a car accident I'd been in years ago, or a class where I hadn't done some work in a timely fashion (long after I graduated) and get stuck on that for the whole day. It would be nearly paralyzing. In lack of actual things to be anxious about, or perhaps in spite of them, I'd just get into this anxiety/regret/guilt thing.

Apparently that's not how everyone operates, and it's not how I have to, either. Kind of wish it didn't take me over 25 years to figure that out.