My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

Not all messages are displayed: show all messages (498 of them)

Needless to say, the next day Wa*ne had to go to the emergency room because he passed out. He had minor poisoning. Smart guy, eh.

Yep, Wayne is Bush, the basement is Iraq, and the asbestos is terrorism.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:45 (nineteen years ago)

i keep reading: "I don't understand how a heart is a FACE but somehow THREAD CONNECTIONS is made"

Haha! me too!

― melton mowbray's APOCALYPTO! (adr), Friday, 30 June 2006 20:51 (nineteen years ago)

Please to link "cheese fry"

― Forksclovetofu (Forksclovetofu), Sunday, 2 July 2006 20:54 (nineteen years ago)

"I can't make my face turn into a heart."

This is almost like Zen poetry....

― jay blanchard (jay blanchard), Sunday, 2 July 2006 22:50 (nineteen years ago)

The most upfront sexual proposition you have ever made/received to/from someone you've just met

haha absolute best part of the cheese fry story is that my current boss posted on the exact same thread, less than 10 posts above it. this is PROOF that ilx will not be an impediment to gainful employment.

― Bea Arthur - Lost COmic GEnius ? (dubplatestyle), Sunday, 2 July 2006 22:57 (nineteen years ago)

37.5. Apparently Chris argued with my mother about having left Jake in his crib, alone and asleep, while he came out to look for her and berate me: "So what? What the fuck is wrong with it? He's asleep! He isn't going anywhere." (A few years later, one of our neighbors--on the same floor of our apartment--was murdered by someone who'd been buzzed into the building.)

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Monday, 3 July 2006 06:25 (nineteen years ago)

omg yr sister and lorie have seen this? whoa!
kinda funny thou :D haha

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Tuesday, 4 July 2006 09:30 (nineteen years ago)

nabisco your story is FUNNY haha :D you could do another thread on this subject!

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Tuesday, 4 July 2006 09:35 (nineteen years ago)

i keep reading: "I don't understand how a heart is a FACE but somehow THREAD CONNECTIONS is made"

It doesn't actually say that?
*checks*
Damn! :-0

― The Vintner's Lipogram (OleM), Tuesday, 4 July 2006 09:38 (nineteen years ago)

38. My mom's mother was born on Friday the 13th. (On this date, actually; happy birthday, Grandma.) When my mom told this to Chris, he informed her, "That's nothing. I have a friend who was born at the stroke of midnight on Friday the 13th--on Halloween." He then threw a fit when she told him this was impossible.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:50 (nineteen years ago)

that's so fucking fantastic.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:54 (nineteen years ago)

My mom called me at work, while driving, to tell me it. I love you, Mom.

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:55 (nineteen years ago)

It was in the Year of the Magical Numerical Transposition.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:55 (nineteen years ago)

Absolutely classic, Matos. Please to look after the red-haired vixen next week and make sure she gets to Kiehl's for me!

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 13 July 2006 19:58 (nineteen years ago)

haha will do!

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:00 (nineteen years ago)

"That's nothing. I have a friend who was born at the stroke of midnight on Friday the 13th--on Halloween."

I don't think any other dumb comment can ever live up to this one.

― GILLY'S BAGG'EAR VANCE OF COUPARI (Ex Leon), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:29 (nineteen years ago)

oh, that's classic.
i also love your mom for knowing it was worthy of an at-work phone call.

― rrrobyn sharkattack battleforcenet (rrrobyn), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:49 (nineteen years ago)

cease adding on to this thread (don't get us wrong, we love it) and write a book about these incredible moments of stupidity.

― fongoloid sangfroid (sanskrit), Thursday, 13 July 2006 20:51 (nineteen years ago)

LOL

I love this thread. :)

― Mama Roux (Mama Roux), Friday, 14 July 2006 00:17 (nineteen years ago)

We need a picture of Chris on the thread.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Friday, 14 July 2006 00:34 (nineteen years ago)

MSPaint Chris!

― San Diva Gyna (and a Masala DOsaNUT on the side) (donut), Friday, 14 July 2006 00:36 (nineteen years ago)

Michael, I am still speechless. I can't belive that Mom never told me this story. This is not only the dumbest thing he's ever said, it's the dumbest thing ever said.

-Brittany Matos

PS Yes, I am his biological daughter ::cringe::

― Matos-Webster Dictionary (M Matos), Saturday, 15 July 2006 01:37 (nineteen years ago)

Don't cringe, Brittany. We all have stories about our parents. Their flaws are the reason why we're Internet addicts.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Saturday, 15 July 2006 12:44 (nineteen years ago)

i told matos he needs to take these to the NYer

― david allen grier (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 15 July 2006 13:25 (nineteen years ago)

wow Matos is back an still on the thread! well done dude!
(by the way who ever sed bout matos pic on thread how bout one of chris at the top haha) *jokes*

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Monday, 17 July 2006 09:53 (nineteen years ago)

Don't cringe, Brittany. We all have stories about our parents. Their flaws are the reason why we're Internet addicts.
They hook you up, your mum and dad.

― Ruud Haarvest (Ken L), Monday, 17 July 2006 13:49 (nineteen years ago)

They may not mean to
But they do

― Ruud Haarvest (Ken L), Tuesday, 18 July 2006 00:23 (nineteen years ago)

yeah kinda

― Sugar Karis (Sugar Karis), Thursday, 20 July 2006 08:39 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

Over a year since last revived. It is time.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 10 August 2007 02:43 (eighteen years ago)

yaaaay!

― rrrobyn, Friday, 10 August 2007 02:56 (eighteen years ago)

yes! time for a new one!

― The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Friday, 10 August 2007 03:12 (eighteen years ago)

OMG...that's all I can say.

― The Reverend, Friday, 10 August 2007 05:06 (eighteen years ago)

I always love it when newer folks meet the wisdom of Chris for the first time.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 10 August 2007 05:28 (eighteen years ago)

it's an ILX sacrament or rite of passage or something

― latebloomer, Friday, 10 August 2007 05:40 (eighteen years ago)

Seriously, I think you could turn this into one of those mini-books they sell at the Barnes & Noble checkout. You know, "Stupid Things My Mother's Ex-Husband Said," next to the chicken soup books.

― Hurting 2, Friday, 10 August 2007 05:57 (eighteen years ago)

Didnt Matos say he'd thought about doing that? Or am I misremembering. I love this thread :) Even non ilxors Ive showed it to do as well.

― Trayce, Friday, 10 August 2007 06:01 (eighteen years ago)

"Steel Traps Don't Have Minds: Sharpen Your Mental Acuity in Five Minutes A Day"

― Hurting 2, Friday, 10 August 2007 06:28 (eighteen years ago)

this thread is sitcom GOLD

― Maria :D, Friday, 10 August 2007 07:16 (eighteen years ago)

Matos, did your mom have abusive/neglectful parents herself?

My mom (lesbian) had a pot-head neglectful/abusive girlfriend for most of my childhood and always wondered why my mom was with her. She competed with us kids the way Chris did and took chances to berate us. She wouldn't answer the phone when we called for rides from town 10 miles away waiting in the cold and wouldn't let us have any of our things in the living room and smoked pot constantly and gave us shit for "wasting water" when we showered every day and constantly told us that if it weren't for us she and my mom would be happy and even though she was potsmoking and unemployed, constantly mentioned that we kids weren't bringing in an income and were draining the house resources (my mom supported all of us).

Then later I found myself dating pothead loser guys that reminded me of her, as if I could make them better and heal the wrong that was my parents' relationship. Sorry, not a funny comment, just to address the recurring question of why she was with him. Why do people stay with assholes? Because they want to fix some damage or something. Because they're young. Lots of reasons.

Anyway, glad you turned out okay. And your sisters/his spawn are okay, too? Man! Sorry to hear about your little brother.

It's 4 am and I had to finish up some work for a Eurodeadline and should be sleeping. I think I'll dream of a character who's part Chris, part Ed from t.v., part Sher (my mom's ex) and part the step-dad from Slingblade.

― Maria :D, Friday, 10 August 2007 07:57 (eighteen years ago)

Gee, Maltos

― Tracer Hand, Friday, 10 August 2007 10:02 (eighteen years ago)

Seriously, I think you could turn this into one of those mini-books they sell at the Barnes & Noble checkout. You know, "Stupid Things My Mother's Ex-Husband Said"

Hah - this is so OTM! I think Matos is sitting on a goldmine here.

― baaderonixx, Friday, 10 August 2007 10:29 (eighteen years ago)

Maltos Liquor

― The Reverend, Friday, 10 August 2007 16:08 (eighteen years ago)

O-U-T-S-I-D-E

― C. Grisso/McCain, Friday, 10 August 2007 16:13 (eighteen years ago)

Maltos: the lolmaker

― Hurting 2, Friday, 10 August 2007 17:20 (eighteen years ago)

where Richfield ended and Bloomington began

that's a poignant place to be, in MN terms.

way otm

― gff, Friday, 10 August 2007 17:59 (eighteen years ago)

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

Actually the Friday the 13th/Halloween story is probably the late victor in this thread. So far.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 10 August 2007 18:18 (eighteen years ago)

one month passes...

Addendum to the various stupid nicknames detailed above: my grandfather, Pito, was known in the Chris-lexicon as "Pito the Mosquito." I don't get it, either.

― Matos W.K., Wednesday, 12 September 2007 07:07 (eighteen years ago)

It rhymes, which is usually enough for a nickname.

― n/a, Wednesday, 12 September 2007 12:11 (eighteen years ago)

More stories, please! This thread pretty much makes my day every time it's revived, and I could really use it this week.

― mh, Wednesday, 12 September 2007 13:05 (eighteen years ago)

yea! this thread's pretty special, cause it was the first thread i read on ile, after discovering and posting on ilm first.

― Roz, Wednesday, 12 September 2007 13:14 (eighteen years ago)

Skipping 398 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.