suicide

It souinds like you're going through some dark shit right now ––– I am sorry if I am being glib ––––––––––– I don't even know who you are ––––––––––––––––– no suicides, please.

i wonder if anyone who has truly contemplated suicide would call it "the coward's way out"

Honestly I doubt it. This might be TMI but whenever I get down that far what keeps me from doing the deed is thinking about how terrible and sad it would be for my friends and family, the last thing that crosses my mind is "wow this seems cowardly..."

In other words, its more realizing killing myself would result in more misery and suffering, and that flips me out of it. Cowardice is some macho bullshit I don't even care about.

yeah, i think about that too. i'm glad i don't have a wife or kids for this reason, but you can't live for others forever.

is there ever more annoying a martyr than the non-complainer?

― The Most Typical and Popular Girl Rider (Crabbits), Sunday, September 23, 2012 11:25 PM (Yesterday)

yeah the "my pain hurts more than your pain" martyr-asshole

yeah suffering is no competition

sorry though

no need. last i checked you never did anything to me to be sorry about.

jesus is the ultimate superstar of the "my pain hurts more than your pain" schtick though.

closely tied in first place with: God.

and maybe louis armstrong.

i don't know, still not sure how to get past this problem

ultimately, i know deep down that more than anything else, i just want to kill myself. far more than i want to try to live a productive life, anyway, but i suppose medication helps me at least be able to get out of bed to maintain... something

trying to claw my way forward, figure out a place to move, another job, or a school to go to or something, but when sit down to do these things, i feel like vomiting forever, and nothing gets done besides another wasted regretful night. doesn't seem like there's enough anesthesia in the world to overcome this

truth is though i'm just waiting for my family to die off or move on with their own lives

nhex, hugs.

trying to claw my way forward, figure out a place to move, another job, or a school to go to or something, but when sit down to do these things, i feel like vomiting forever, and nothing gets done besides another wasted regretful night. doesn't seem like there's enough anesthesia in the world to overcome this

when i feel like this, i try to just remember that i actually do want to do the kind of essential things that i know i must do - even if i also feel like just curling up in a ball and slowly dying. that probably doesn't help you, but, please take care of yourself. ::hugs:: (even if we don't know each other)

I am in exactly the same place, Nhex. I really don't know what we are supposed to do with ourselves. It is awful. I would really like to be of some help, but I can't be.

i only have hugs and bottomless sympathy. it's not rly anything but, just...hi

having spent most of my life there, i can't add much to the hugs and sympathy veg already offered. but being middle-aged, the one thing i will say is that life turns out to be a lot of different things over time. nothing stays the same forever, no matter how impossible anything else might seem.

and that probably sounds like horseshit. sorry, words fail.

I lived under the burden of the inevitability of eventual suicide for so many years. Somehow I was able to let go of the obligation.

It doesn't mean I'm happy. It just means at some point along the way one big horrible thing was removed from my to-do list.

i appreciate the warm feelings, dudes - your words did help me feel a little better for a little bit

<3

we all casually calculate serotonin toxicity levels occaisonal yeah>?

idk bout casually

nhex, I know that this sounds pretty contrived and disingenuous coming from some rando on the internet, but I think youre a cool dude and I offer whatever I can of my sympathies and echo what's been said above

y'know when you get worryingly close to there only being one answer to your problems?

No, thank god/the fates/your own personal attributable source.

Fb?

in a bit. i'm sorry i'm such a fucking drama king. i dunno what i'm saying. just right out at the end of meself i guess.

Thread for it tbh, i think nobody's likely to call you out.

i was gonna list all the reasons but i didn't want it to become an invitation for anybody to play Cap'n Save-a-FatNarcissistDrunk so suffice it to say that i'm just coherent enough to remember that disappearing is an unacceptably dick move for a parent but i feel like the only way i can maintain credibility with anybody is by opening veins

it can sometimes seem like an answer but it isn't much of one tbh, especially given it tends to involve kicking your problems on to exactly the people you don't want to kick your problems on to.

no. there are always as many answers as you might need. seriously, the absence you're talking about is an artifact of distorted perception, not reality. everything that's happening to you eventually becomes just some shit that once happened to you. all it takes is time. i wish there was something meaningful i could say, some real support i could offer, but this is the internet, and i don't know you personally. all i can say is that you seem like an amazing person, i love your presence here, and you can't let the blackness of a moment overwhelm you. talk to someone like now, regardless of how little you imagine they want to hear it.

I think a lot of people know what it feels like. The trick is to remember that sometimes you don't feel like that, and focus on not doing anything until you've got any other feeling other than this one.

xpost oops, I am playing Cap'nSaveANoodle. Tough shit.

i'm really sorry guys i can't stop blubbing i hate myself it's just that youse answer back more than the fucking samaritans

and, you know, i was having the exact same thought about credibility just a few days ago! but right now i am in the space of "jesus but credibility is a shallow thing to think about, i am seriously worried about being sufficiently convincing at a time like this, who would i even be trying to prove it to", which is a comeback that works for me personally.

Yeah i was gonna go for capn hat but tbf you were only ever gonna be absurdly ungracious

speaking as a fat, narcissistic, (for the moment ex) drunk i mean. i've done shit to my life and loves you wouldn't believe. i've awakened in bushes, lived out of doors, betrayed a thousand hopes. in the here and now, none of that matters, though. all that matters is what i do next, and that's always mine to choose. same goes for you. no matter how shitty you feel now, feel you've always been, you're gonna be someone else next year, and there is absolutely no reason to feel bad about that.

going a little too hard with the "helping" thing, sorry, but this hits p close to home

someone else next year...

i don't get that, life drags on forever

xp to self
like, frankly, the fuckers who you can imagine not giving you credence right now? probably would not give you credence no matter what you did. because they are constructed of a complete absence of humanity. So they are the absolute worst choice of people whose opinions you should be worrying about.

thank you all. sorry for this.

no worries, shit is hard enough at best

That fuckin cartoon last week has muddled the advice game something rotten imo.

NV i missed you round the place lately and would miss you intolerably if that became a permanent situation. Think of those of us who donated to the funding in good faith

i read this recently and it kinda helped, for me? 7 don’t kill yourself tips.

i guess it's time to sit down and list problems and consider how they can be sensibly resolved.

keep getting roaring in my head like Caligula in I Claudius or like any thick addict i guess

and c# you're right, crazy thinking, the only people i want to "convince" are the people who wdn't understand the message

well i mean you also kind of want to convince yourself? the worst and most cruel part of yourself.

it is very hard to tell yourself: what i am feeling is real and it is bad enough as it is, there's always a bit of you that wants to up the ante.

nb NV u've got fb mail

who are you trying to convince dude? it sucks but the vast majority of people don't get it and never will. probably better for humanity in general, i guess

i guess it's time to sit down and list problems and consider how they can be sensibly resolved.

yeah, this. helps to keep your focus on problems with concrete limits & solutions.

xpost to sellllllf

but the thing is, it is bad enough. it is horrible.

i get told "be kind to yourself" and i think: fuck you, being kind to myself is what has got me into this, why am i so self-indulgent, why am i cutting myself all this slack that i do not deserve. but the fact is that it's not really being kind to yourself if you're constantly going "well frankly this so-called sadness that you claim to find so incapacitating is utterly unconvincing, you are even shit at being incapable of coping."

so that's a thing you can do, i guess. Let it be true that it has been hard for you. That could even help you with listing and thinking about your problems: you don't think "well i could have fixed this if i was not a dipshit about x", you think "it has been hard for me to do this, so what can i change to make this problem more approachable".

on which note, i have been putting off ringing my GP for an hour, so.

Aw, yall great. C# is right - the times this thread DOESN'T get bumped are the times we must fear most. Keep reaching, don't doubt yourself for it; it's part of the cure.

yo, NV... i don't know what to say, but i love you man, just hope that you can work out yr problems, for us, thanks

yeah stay strong mate, this bit of the web wouldn't be the same without you.