itt blogs instruct you how to be a man

TWEET ME
MAYBE
Are your online
interactions actually
ruining your chances
with the ladies?

I am also cracking up because they apparently don't know what "on the level" means

some unspeakable hybrid of "social media guru" and "relationship coach"

it's easier than you think

it's like a discovery center class in print form

A LESSON IN LISTENING
Learn how to listen the RIGHT way!

I am also cracking up because they apparently don't know what "on the level" means

i think they mean to say 'level-headed' yeah?

seriously what does "the acquiring man" even mean?

i think they mean to say 'level-headed' yeah?

I'm assuming they actually meant "level-heade'd"

it's a magazine for the man who is always acquiring

Always! Be! Acquiring!

acquisitive man

i feel like i'm already acquiring too much. i'd like to be acquiring less. where is the magazine for me, the dequiring man?

i really don't want to believe that quote about women is attributable to einstein

always in the process of acquiring but forever doomed not to achieve, the Acquiring Man exists in a purgatorial state of dissatisfaction, his hopes and dreams unreachable ideals, his heart and mind at odds, mired in a toxic sludge of inadequacy, desire and never-ending motivational advice. He is chasing his own tail, he is searching for meaning in the meaningless, he is alone.

9) A REAL MAN HAS A SENSE OF TIMING

He knows when and when not to crack a joke. He’s charming and chivalrous – in the right way (i.e. opening the door out of respect and appreciation, not because he feels he has to, or because she cant).

a) What does opening doors have to do with timing? "A real man doesn't hit women in the face with a door"?
b) More apostrophe lols, only this one is missing; I do like the idea that a real man recognizes when a woman is tipping over and quickly opens a door so she can fall through it though.

http://www.talshiar.org/Rules/Rulebook.jpg
http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Rules_of_Acquisition

fucking straight guys

tbh i think "he knows when to crack a joke" is less about "using comedic timing for greatest effect" than it is about "not making sexist jokes in the presence of the ladies"

'knows when to at least try and hold in his farts'

really the problem here is that these tips are so broad and obvious that they basically boil down to "don't be a dick" - they're basically all things we should aspire to but are totally useless as advice

opening the door out of respect and appreciation, not because he feels he has to, or because she cant

even here, you can feel the resentment for women's privilege dripping off the words

those women, able to use their emotions and be dramatic and having things done for them, where men have to be these assertive individualistic man-as-island types

really the problem here is that these tips are so broad and obvious that they basically boil down to "don't be a dick" - they're basically all things we should aspire to but are totally useless as advice

yeah this bothers me but it just sucks MORE how some people will divide up worthwhile virtues and tally them in gendered columns

always in the process of acquiring but forever doomed not to achieve, the Acquiring Man exists in a purgatorial state of dissatisfaction, his hopes and dreams unreachable ideals, his heart and mind at odds, mired in a toxic sludge of inadequacy, desire and never-ending motivational advice. He is chasing his own tail, he is searching for meaning in the meaningless, he is alone.

― obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Monday, September 17, 2012 8:57 PM

omg rrrobyn i love u for this, lolll

I would excelsior but it hits too close to home

maybe I should start a blog

its really funny how the guy is pretending he got a bunch of elite ladies together and bribed them for their secrets

real men acquire elite ladies

ladies love acquiring james

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/food-for-men/things-a-man-should-never-say-in-a-restaurant-1112?src=rss

"Garçon!"
"I'll have a glass of the pinot grigio, please."
"What's with all the tattoos?"
"Can you put the sauce on the side?"
"Is this everything you have?"
"So sinful!"
"Is Mario Batali actually here?
"Can you turn the music down?
"I'll have what she's having."
"Do you have donkey sauce?"
"It's been ages since we had brunch like this."
"Excuse me, Mr. Eastwood, could I get your autograph?"
"Yummo."
"Which farm do you get your eggs from?"
"Could your whole staff come out and sing 'Happy Birthday' to my wife?"
"The dry-aged porterhouse, well-done, please."
"This is a thoroughly pedestrian amuse bouche."
"When you say local, exactly how local do you mean?"
"Sorry, I need to take this."
"Can you go through all the specials one more time?"
"Will you marry me?"

things no one ever really says in a restaurant

except the phone call one maybe

"This is a thoroughly pedestrian amuse bouche."
looooool

chances are good i've said "yummo" before.

"I'll have what she's having."

i don't know if this is about having the same thing as your dining companion OR about quoting a nora ephron movie but apparently doing either will cause your scrotum to immediately drop off and roll out the bottom of your trouser leg

"Waiter, could you please pick that up for me?"

"I'll have a glass of the pinot grigio, please."
wait, what's wrong with this?

they missed a chance to take a timely stab at the perceived masculinity of those who eat quiche

because, uh, pinot grigio is just for ladies? fuck if i know

yeah! man, it's like one step away from being a complete girl and ordering riesling

I don't like Esquire any more than any of you but "I'll have what she's having" is p obviously about not being a hacky movie quoting dbag

I sneer at other tables doing that while drinking a really hoppy beer, before my after-dinner scotch, and tearing apart my still-bloody steak with my incisors

xp A real man wouldn't have even seen that movie

What movie would that be from? Pretty sure it's a ref to
a. not eating the same thing as a lady
b. not being so "unoriginal" as to order what someone else just did

yea do hacky movie-quoting esquire bros actually reach for a harry met sally joke, that seems p unlikely to begin with

What movie would that be from?

congrats mh you just passed the man test, please collect your man card and spittoon at the door

white zin, tho...

this list is an effortlessly simple paragon of rube/hayseed strawmanning, no gender insecurity required!

oh jesus that scene, duh