thread of inappropriate professional attachments

had a drunken argument last week with my secret crush about which of us scored higher on the autism spectrum

sincere compliments make for terrible banter!

It's true, there's really nowhere to go with a compliment.

It's kind of a conversational dead end.

wasn't really berating tho it was more professional discussion

there's a difference?

what level of berating are we talking here? beyond giving someone shit? berating seems kind of harsh

i'm envisioning "god, you really fucked up this report"

Or "when are you going to learn how to do your damn job correctly?"

He wouldn't dare give me shit. I'd bite his head off and he knows it. He cowers and smirks, I have him trained already.

He cowers behind the desk to hide the tenting you are causing with your flirty beratings.

That is extremely unlikely. He is half my age.

I have already said that when training young men to do the checking for me, the first time they make a stupid mistake, I shout at them so ferociously so that they will never do it again.

Basically his job is checking data, and my job is fixing data errors, so I complain that he is rubbish for picking up obscure errors that I will have to chase around and be unable to fix. And then I tell him that I hate him and he's ruining my job and ruining my beautiful database with his over-zealousness. And then his boss laughs at me and tells him that he is good for finding an error so obscure that I can't fix it. They are basically setting up the two new show-off know-it-all smart-asses in the office to catch one another out. Which would be quite funny if he wasn't so fucking attractive.

That kind of tension can give excellent productivity results if handled properly.

"handled"

thread of appropriate sexual innuendo

I am just awful at this kind of thing.

Last week, he kept setting up all these double entendres that I didn't even realise could be construed as such until it was too late to turn them back on him. Like, if I were slightly quicker, would have been an excellent "that's what she said" but I'm just slow and it didn't hit me until 5 minutes too late.

Or maybe I just have my nose put out of joint that he's new and clever and everyone is fawning over him because he can do a fucking pivot table ::rolls eyes:: and I just want to blow raspberries and tell him to come back when he's built a database or 6.

I would actually hate him if he wasn't v v v pretty.

Curse his cheekbones.

We are interviewing for a position within our department and I am being very adult and not just crushing on the cute girl with a degree in textiles and awesome tattoos.

I am not doing that.

Be very, very careful with crushing on people in the interview process. Especially if you have a hand in the selection process.

This is how it started for me.

Got to work one day and this 20 y.o. TY lookalike gets in the lift with me. Gets off at my floor. 30 minutes later, I hear my boss talking to some bloke in the conference room about complexity theory and Chinese linguistics and totally hott maths type stuff to the point where I asked afterwards "who was that?" because I had a ladyboner for his interview technique.

We all get together to discuss who we're going to hire. After making a crack about "hire whichever one is cuter" (I was all "ha ha, kidding, I'd be sacked if I were a man and said that" but boss grinned and said "well, which one would that be, WCC?") I tell them to hire whichever one it was talking about hott lingustics and maths geek stuff because that would make for fun office banter.

3 months later, it's "here's the new boy and we're seating him RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR DESK, WCC and making him work on your stuff" just so I have to stare at him all day.

^^^^^ do not do this. This way madness lies.

Luckily the rest of the staff knows I am generally useless and directed wholly by passions, obsessions, etc. so they will weigh my input accordingly. As a professional however, I must try and remain detached.

Just quoted XKCD at me in the middle of a play-argument.

He's one of you lot, pretending to be a hott boy, just to fuck with my head, right?

Oh. I also discovered on Friday that he is exactly the same age (as in, born the exact day after) the daughter my partner and I gave up for adoption during my gap year. This makes me feel actually physically ill. It's been a long time since I hated myself so much for being attracted to someone. And it's dragged up a lot of complicated memories I've never discussed. I guess it just stopped being fun, and I need to step away.

Why can't anything, in my life, ever just be simple and fun? Even just a crush? This shit sucks.

gap yar

have never had this happen, thankfully.

WCC, don't hate yourself for having feelings you did not choose and cannot control.

You already seem aware of these feelings as somewhat alien and unwanted residents in your brain/body. Just hang onto that perspective as best you can. It won't prevent them, but it will allow you to get angry at them, without being angry with yourself. That anger will neutralize them somewhat. Good luck.

don't do this people

bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad idea

and don't have a work spouse either. equally bad idea.

back in the day when bookstores existed, they were dens of iniquity for their employees. of course we were young then, and could drink significant quantities on consecutive nights.

my current job is very very male and most conversations are undertaken via instant message although we are sitting in cubicles very near one another. there is a cute girl attractive woman in an adjacent room, but she has taken steps to make outlook render her emails in comic sans.

I actually disagree about the whole "cannot control" this thing. Although one cannot control to whom one is attracted, one can certainly control what one does with that attraction. And developing an actual crush, with all the silly behaviour that goes along with it, is certainly a choice. I don't *have* to act like this, I do so because I choose to, because I clearly get some kind of fun or rush out of it. These feelings aren't alien or unwanted, they have been carefully cultivated.

It accidentally dragged up an unpleasant memory I thought I had successfully buried, but no memories are ever buried permanently.

But thanks for the advice anyway. Sometimes it is helpful to have completely off-base advice because it puts things in perspective as to what is really going on.

I actually disagree about the whole "cannot control" this thing.

I think you misunderstood me.

You most certainly can control your actions, regardless of your feelings. However, if the feelings themselves were easily controlled, you would already have banished them from your mind and consequently would not have be having any difficulties over them.

However, if my advice made no sense to you, it is unlikely you can make anything of value out of it, so it's fine with me if you just dismiss it. I still wish you good luck in turning this into a much happier situation.

i have an inappropriate professional attachment that's never going to happen and would be the worst idea ever

I'm not sure I can really talk about it here (paranoia!), but I just need this space to bury my head in my hands and weep salt tears.

also - imploding speech centre.

I am not sure if I am happy or slightly disappointed to report that he has done something utterly tragic to his hair over the weekend, but he instantly went from Bends era TY to Karma Police TY and I think that's done for the crush. My crushes can survive anything but bad hair. Why do attractive men do terrible, disfiguring things to their hair? I will never understand it.

So.

Just when I thought I was safely over this.

Owner of the company (BigBoss) today came over and asked me how I'd feel about taking on {Project X type work} as an additional component of my job. I said yeah, actually that sounds really interesting and fun, and would take some of the pressure off MyImmediateBoss. Great! Fantastic!

BigBoss then tells me that from now on I will be working even more closely with OfficeBoy on Project X. MyImmediateBoss then rings me to tell me that BigBoss has told him that he thinks that OfficeBoy and I should work together more because he thinks we will "really get on well together."

basically: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

How do I nicely say that I don't want to work with someone - not because he's not capable and clever and good with numbers, all of which he is - but because I find it impossible to talk with him without staring like a mooning teenagers at his cheekbones? There's "get on well with" and then there's "have such an inappropriate crush on that working together is almost impossible."

Or do I just shut up and deal and act like an adult and keep it to myself?

If I were a man in this situation I'd punch myself in the face with how gross this is. :-(

They are basically setting up the two new show-off know-it-all smart-asses in the office to catch one another out.

^^^^^I was correct. This is exactly what they are doing.

StupidAnnoyingCoWorker asked him earlier if he liked football. OfficeBoy responded, I shit you not "I absolutely hate football. Watching it is so boring." My ladyboner nearly exploded.

I can't handle this! I have to work with this guy!

Cut the tension by telling cutie that as a smart guy and hater of football, he's gonna make some woman an excellent boyfriend someday.

There is no tension anywhere except in my head.

How do I nicely say that I don't want to work with someone - not because he's not capable and clever and good with numbers, all of which he is - but because I find it impossible to talk with him without staring like a mooning teenagers at his cheekbones? There's "get on well with" and then there's "have such an inappropriate crush on that working together is almost impossible."

Or do I just shut up and deal and act like an adult and keep it to myself?

If I were a man in this situation I'd punch myself in the face with how gross this is. :-(

I have worked in an office for years with a few coworkers whose appealing physical attributes make them very distracting. Sometimes you just have to knuckle down and look them in the eyes instead of their "cheekbones".

His eyes are even prettier. Deep green. So looking in his eyes is even worse. :-/

You mentioned that you didn't like his hair, look at that!

This is a much better plan. Maybe I can convince him to shave his head!

once upon a time there where cute arty fags at my job whom i'd consider propositioning but no longer.

shave his head

His scalp is certain to undulate in irresistably sensuous curves.

working closely with them just means that it almost imperceptibly turns from being a crush into a gigantic trap from which you cannot escape because it is daily renewed, even if you wanted to escape, which you don't, because you're heartsick for them, and even when opportunities to escape do arise (haircuts, the inevitable annoying thing they do or say, moments of sense and clarity) you cannot take advantage of this opportunity (because you cannot just stay away from them, because you are working closely together) you can only raise a brief flailing hand above the waters, before sinking back into the cold ache of the waters' grasp.

maybe. i mean i cd see how it might work like that on occasion. I'm sure you'd be fine, WCC.

Perhaps, you need to turn him from a crush into a colleague or a friend. There's lots of reasons why continuing down this path will be bad news for you. Tell him you used to have a crush on him but now that's he's messed up his hair, it's over. It will make him wary of you crushing on him. It sounds like it fits your usual style of banter. You'll have unburdened yourself of part of your crushitude and moved you away from the crush object area and closer to the professional area. I have lots of inappropriate crushes. I almost always tell them, but calmly and fully cognizent of the fact that it's highly unlikely to be requited and that it would almost scare me out of my crush if it were, and, regardless, I am perfectly capable of keeping my wits enough about me to never ever do anything. Then you can vaguely flirt and be a pal and enjoy your crush instead of kicking yourself in the head over it and they'll know that they have a discreet and civilized admirer.

One of my inappropriate professional attachments bought me a cappuccino yesterday.

are they inappropriately attached to you? mutual inappropriate attachment?

Argh. And yet sigh. And yet swoon. And yet so much ARGH.

I am beginning to suspect that WCC has no intention of listening to any advice in regard to this fine fresh fellow, whether it is good, bad or indifferent, but rather asks ilx only to provide her a dumping ground for her latest gush of feelings. We may observe, or not, as we are moved to.

OK. :-)

Go fuck yourself. Seriously.

developing IPA from grad student who keeps coming into my office to hang out/get away from studies (many of them do this, so not necessarily a sign of interest)

Your posts are invalid unless you write them in IPA http://ipa.typeit.org/full/

does your glottal stop when walks in the room?

appropriate bar crush is go

this shit sucks ;_;

will 2015 be the year I stop having IPAs? no, it will not.

oh God. Don't even want to write exactly how I am connected to this person, but I'm a grad student. Not my supervisor, at least.

^my sympathy

as student had liaison with one prof but rationalized it bc i only audited his class & he was not in my department (though in related/overlapping field, advisor to some of my friends)

eventually i broke it off but it remained awkward situation

yeah, if anything were to come of it it would require... some re-jigging of my current formal dissertation arrangements. Best/worst is that I have an inkling it may be reciprocated. Could be extremely wrong about that though.

that does sound complicated

every case/ decision is unique & individual; but for me felt prudent to maintain strict boundary bw personal entanglement & direct academic relationship (in which one party has direct power/ influence re other's work), though in academia that can be v fine line

it's romantic until it isn't

e.g. consider possibility of stalkery prof :( or having to work on high-stress longterm project with (or relying on) someone you don't want to see or who evokes bad feelings

That's why it would require some re-jigging of my current formal dissertation arrangements! But yeah, even if that were to happen, there are risks...

I am more and more certain that this person is not interested in me and also not interested in my gender in general. So far this hasn't diminished my inappropriate attachment.

had two of these in my training class. usually just repeat gibberish in my head and distract myself with images of dead elephants and move on with training....

but it does make the situation safer, if not less painful?

new hire in my dept is non-native speaker and emailed me about having coffee, called it "sharing zips" = instant IPA

you're right.

Eeeeesh. I'll say that one of the values of a committed relationship is increasing the risk of even thinking about this stuff. Lord knows.

Two reasons to shut the fuck up and never post to this thread again, to self:

1. You work with many attractive people of the gender that you're into, jackass, and you have HAD THOUGHTS

2. You are a dad and you have other things to think about and that does not give you any privilege or perspective to advise or even RELATE to people posting on this thread who are LFLIATWP

3. You said TWO, are you ready to STFU? OK good let's go to bed

Man I am glad I am around to talk to myself

I don't know how I ended up back here but here we are.

We both have like 3 weeks off over Christmas so hopefully it will just die down and go away.

It's not even lust it's just "you are the best person ever".

is it the same person?

Oh god no. This is like 2 workplaces later.

(Thank goodness, because the place where I had the original IPA was such a messed up an unhealthy environment for me that I do now think that the IPA was a symptom of how badly that place messed my head up.)