Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

aw poor men :(

Well, that essay that Crabbits posted on another thread did kind of tweak me a bit. Because I don't want them to be able to use that eyerolling "gawd, *men*" as an excuse to justify their arrogance with maleness? Which they totally will, if they think it's a "male" trait?

Anyway, tomorrow is going to be painful in a kinda delicious way because I am going to have to walk the Yorkeian boy in the office through the process of what I need him to do on the stuff I work on. And his prettiness is just stupidly distracting. And I have to really be a grown-up - especially because I am in the senior, managerial position towards him - and not let this affect me. But even just today, as he was kneeling by my desk as I was trying to explain something, and I just turned and looked straight into his ~lips~ and just GAAAAAAHHHH, like, this is SO inappropriate to be feeling at work. Must concentrate on spreadsheets and databases.

And I have to put these thoughts out of my mind and just be businesslike about dealing with him. When my brain just looks at him and helpfully points out "Lips!"

When inside, I am thinking "but why but whhyyyy - my lust-bone just SHUT DOWN for like, three years, and it has to come back *now* in this situation I can do nothing about? why?"

This is all timed so perfectly with the "Men Who Explain Things" article that was just reposted online/in the feminist theory thread here.

http://yorkiegear.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/yorkshire-terrier.jpg

http://www.awesomelols.com/wp-content/plugins/watermark-hotlinked-images/watermark.php?img=wp-content/uploads/2011/12/thom-yorkeshire-terrier.jpg

those japanese dog breeders really can select for any trait no matter how recessive

GOD WHAT DID I DO WRONG IN TRYING TO POST THAT IMAGE ARGH SEE, HE HAS WARPED MY BRAIN

i guess i just think that a lot of men (or other arrogant people, fine) don't realize that they are being obnoxious when they do these things and that it should be pointed out (same with the "minimum age 20 years your junior, max age ends at your own age or younger" thing that people don't realize makes them look like an enormous douche). but i am horrible at actually doing this to people i know intimately which is why i'm probably just going to hide that ex on facebook rather than tell him i think he's a major dork :/

you should start commenting on the post with awesome recommendations

"Have you heard of.... Ray Bradbury? Someone told me he is ok. Or Margaret Atwood, I think she may have written a book or two."

Why are you still friends with your ex on Facebook is more the question I would be asking. (But I admittedly do not understand Facebook and its etiquette)

I think I need to find and read some handbook about "how to not sexually harass new employees at work" because I am so socially inept I worry I will slip up and completely freak out this poor lad.

everything's a really big deal

you should start commenting on the post with awesome recommendations

"Have you heard of.... Ray Bradbury? Someone told me he is ok. Or Margaret Atwood, I think she may have written a book or two."

i had to stop myself from doing this! like, literally back away from the computer.

Maybe I will look at London folks on OkC and try and arrange some daets.

tell him that Jurassic Park is a really awesome book

ok, I am going to stop now

While I understand the frustration towards douchebags, the idea of trying to thwart preconceived gender biases that I don't feel fit me is thoroughly exhausting and sometimes doesn't feel worth the effort. It's a real bummer being painted with the same brush as half the population of the earth just because you also happen to have a penis, particularly when you don't seem to occupy a whole lot of the same brainspace as them. Meanwhile, douchebags don't really care if you think all guys are douchebags, and they'll keep putting themselves out there. Which probably goes some way towards explaining why the straight male dating pool is apparently more like a dating cesspool (amirite, ladies??).

Ok, now I'm feeling "aw. poor men"

I don't mind being painted with that brush because I'm pretty sure I've been able to do some things due to male privilege. I also don't mind if people bash on white people, either.

nothing worse than a bunch of white dudes, really

Yeah, it's really hard not to feel some ~tildes of eyeroll~

(I have to admit I am sort of enjoying the semi-delicious terror over this work scenario. Which is ridiculous, and yet.)

I cannot find anyone at work sexy. I haven't had a 'work crush' in like 4 years. It's kinda great this way, but sometimes I think it'd be nice to have one again... now that I am in management I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to have one, though :/

I mean, it's cool to hash this stuff out all symposium-stylee, and I agree with all of the white male privilege arguments, but when it comes down to the nuts and bolts of dating, I'm just pointing out on an anecdotal level that I couldn't and wouldn't date anyone who viewed me as emblematic of Maleness And Everything That's Wrong With It. Because, like I say, I don't really relate much to stereotypical maleness and I've gone to great lengths to be as respectful and undouchey as possible. I'm not looking for sympathy or admiration or whateverthehell, I'm just trying to draw attention to the fact that some guys are super gunshy about dating anymore because of the increasing prevalence of turdy, PUA dudes and the awreness that women increasingly have their hackles up as a result. It's a vicious cycle that seems to be getting more vicious.

It's good to have a work crush, gives you a reason not to wear your pajamas to the office. Or that may just be me.

I have one now. I will proceed to mope in a self-pitying way because when the phone rings it isn't him.

It's been so long since I had any kind of crush on a ~real person!~ I had forgotten how powerful they can be. And yet how inconvenient.

It's not just that I'm in a senior level position to him. In a tiny office with about 10 people in it. And also he is, like, 12. Maybe 13 because his voice has broken. And it is ridiculous and inconceivable in every way possible. And my work thought it would be hilarious to seat him opposite me so I have to look at him every time I get up from my desk. And I completely hate myself for being flummoxed by this.

And yet, Jesus Christ, is he pretty! I just can't imagine what it must be like to go through life with a face that beautiful. And have creepy disgusting women like me letch over you. Ugh.

Laurel, I don't *like* having to get dressed nicely every day for work. I like being able to go in wearing my pyjamas with my hair unwashed because who cares who sees me. And now suddenly I have started washing and even *brushing* my hair and putting on proper clothes. It is absurd.

I'm just pointing out on an anecdotal level that I couldn't and wouldn't date anyone who viewed me as emblematic of Maleness And Everything That's Wrong With It.
--Old Lunch

What would someone have to say/do to come off as someone who viewed you as emblematic of maleness?

Xp

I went years and years without a crush. Right now I am still sorta obsessing over a couple of people from the past, and I'd like that to be over with. I'd like to be a bit crushless for a bit. Or have a new obsession.

People From The Past tend to make very very bad crush/obsession material. New crushes are nice because they wipe away all that badness and make the world seem fresh and new again.

I would just really like a more age-appropriate one so I don't feel ~quite~ so Mrs Robinson at work.

i have a work crush, it's never going anywhere and she's married etc, but it's good cos she has enough depth for me to sometimes think she hates me and other times to feel exactly the opposite, which keeps it interesting. making her laugh makes meetings fun.

in more realistic stuff i have been speaking to someone really amazing i met on guardian soulmates, due to meet on tuesday. actually pretty excited albeit tempered with the knowledge that until you meet it all is meaningless really.

Yeah, but still, that's awesome!!!

xpost to rayuela

Well, just a recent example, but my last ex used to read these horrible Nerve True Dating Confessions all the time and she slowly started to get it in her head that I was cheating on her because she was constantly exposing herself to examples of men doing just that. I could only defend myself so much against a complete lack of evidence, motive (long explanations about how I was in a relationship, specifically with her, because I chose to be and that I took that very seriously), and logistical capability (like, we spent so much of our free time together that I would've literally had to have been fucking random strangers on the train on the elevator up to her apartment). It just completely wore me down, and I'll never put myself through that again.

I recently started reading another message board - and there was one particular subsection about it regarding dating that was so poisonous that for about a week I felt like I was hideous, unloveable, and should just become a cat lady.

Yeah, I think exposing yourself to the fucked up situations other people get themselves into has very limited instructional utility. At a point, you're just poisoning your own goodwill towards the very idea of dating.

Basically on this one particular message board the attitude was that unless you were a supermodel, under 30 and wealthy you should just give up.

Hahaha so...everyone?? Well I guess it's time for everyone in the world to resign themselves to dying alone with cats who will eat your still-warm corpse, a web site said so.

Cheer up, mands! You're better than that nonsense.

I just can't find the words to say what I want to say, but, basically... humans cheat because they're assholes and they don't value their relationships enough. They don't cheat because they're men. (Or because they're women, either, when women cheat - and yes, they do, indeed.) I think that the stakes are higher for women who cheat because patriarchy has written them that way. And I think that there are a lot of men who get a lot of traction from, and promote this idea of coding infidelity as a "male" issue, because it somehow excuses them for their own actions.

And that sounds like a shitty thing to have to endure in a relationship (and trust me, I've been there - this was basically the start of how things went really terrible with my abusive ex-fiance, that he used to constantly accuse me of cheating or wanting to cheat until I was barely allowed to leave the house.)

But in a way I feel like it is kind of muddying the waters, because unpleasant dating issues and asshole issues, as annoying as they are, are often used as a way of discounting the bigger and more systematic ways in which male privilege works, as just being this "battle of the sexes" relationship type quibbles. And it's a lot more and a lot bigger than that. While, seriously, not trying to discount the unpleasantness that you've experienced.

Sorry this is so poorly formed and thought out, it's late and I'm quite insomniac right now.

I suspended my OKC account today when I came across an answer that an otherwise seemingly nice person gave about dating someone even slightly overweight (she answered that there was no way she would). Bummed me out so bad I had to close my account down. Maybe an overreaction.

Yeah, that was a little too quick. Bryan, come back! Anyone who answers that question in that particular way has issues.

I think it's probably for the best. Leave the site to the people who can handle it.

Laurel, I am no longer bummed. It also happened to arrive at a time when I was feeling particularly unloved by the opposite sex, so it didn't help.

xpost

Yeah, you need some fortitude to wade through those waters. Which is probably at least part of why I deactivated my own account the other day. But I can never seem to shake that stupid site for long.

Was going to delete it like I did 4 years ago when I started a relationship with someone I met on there but I've answered a shitload of questions this time! Such a silly reason to not delete. Don't want to lose the CCrisphead name either, I suppose.

That sounds like it was a shitty situation, old lunch

Oh and apropos of the Work Crush discussion, my work crush finally left and I have to say that I am glad he's gone. It was a level of lust that might be in the neighborhood of what wcc was describing and it was a pain.

I thought I had cured myself of my inappropriate workplace crush, but it came back with a vengeance. I might have to bring back my old cold-shoulder policy.

I feel like maybe we should start an "office crush" or "work place crush oh noes" thread because believe it or not there isn't one on ILX. To maybe compliment the "annoying coworker" thread we could have a "colleagues who fill you with delight" thread. But I have started way too many crush threads in my ILX life.

thread of inappropriate professional attachments

i think there was a "dating a co-worker" thread on nb

I am not the slightest bit interested in dating him. I just want to lick him like a lollipop.

Possibly of relevance to the discussion upthread about seduction and romance

(warning, may contain Julie Burchill)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2001/sep/29/weekend.julieburchill
http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/columnists/julie-burchill/julie-burchill-forget-about-romance-and-you-might-just-get-yourself-a-decent-marriage-2092527.html

I feel like I just met a guy who Ive known for years and years, somehow. Instant click, instant comfortable familiarity, so much in common, it was... pretty incredible actually. We were both really surprised and delighted.

NOW i get the point of dating someone my own age, ha.

Duh.

That is all.