AGING PARENTS

This. Heavy shit, huh?

yep

In darker moments, I look at my folks now (esp. my Pa who is 75 this week) and feel like the wave of their good years is just on the cusp of breaking. Not really ready for it, not at all.

My mothers good years are most definitely past. This has become very evident as she's staying with me for a couple days and it's totally heart breaking. Also, there's some memory loss/disorientation stuff happening that's scaring the crap out of me.

so heavy i can't really talk about it

Yeah. I started trying to talk about it with someone at work and couldn't really hold myself together. This is really tough. :/

Good luck Erica... luckily my parents are still mostly 'together' and my dad's problems are a result of his alcoholism rather than real mental deterioration, but it's still awful to have to deal with this stuff.

yeah i'm going through this too. all the best, E x

and everyone else :/

This took up took up over 10 years of my life (from 1994 - 2008 in fact). Both my parents got ill in their early to mid-seventies, and both had dementia and a pretty terrible end in a nursing home in their late seventies.

I spend most of this period visiting at weekends, and other times - and in that rather mad space where you seem cut off from the concerns of normal life, unable to relax for a minute, and living a kind of nightmare existence that no-one else around you realises. (Nothing like the horrific life of a full-time career - but bad enough).

The only thing you can say about it is that it passes, and you realise that what felt like an endless enduring period was in the end just another temporary era.

Siblings help -- if you're lucky.

I'm an only child. This is the only time I've ever wished I had siblings tbh.

Thanks, guys. Things are OK and we had a really nice evening. She's staying with me until she flys back to FL on Wed. Ian - alcoholism is a factor here too in addition to a lot of other things. I guess I just really feel for my dad and am really saddened by realizing that it's only going to get worse from here and I'm afraid it's going to do so pretty quickly.

I feel for you, ENBB. I'm an only child too; my mom's 84 this year but still drives, takes care of her own stuff, is still sharp as ever (dad died in 2000). But I dread so deeply the coming of the signs. I can't even model it in my mind. Hugs.

my mom's 84 this year but still drives, takes care of her own stuff, is still sharp as ever

That's fantastic, good for her! Mine is 74 this year but she's an old 74 and hasn't driven in at least 5 years. Anyway, like I said, we had a lovely day today. It's just a really difficult process to watch and I worry about what will happen down the line.

pullin for you E - us only children gotta stick together. this terrifies me too - and is a big part of what motivates me to do what I do now - but hopefully there will be a good, long time before anything really happens.

You know you have my support as another only, but I'm too much of a weakling to talk about this stuff
In earnest
In public
Beyond this

But you know where to find me offboard if you wanna talk!!

i will say that my mom is pretty damn sharp in mind, but whenever i visit, i insist on driving EVERYWHERE. her driving scares the bejesus out of me, don't understand how she hasn't had her license taken away. and it only gets worse as she gets older.

yeah driving is often the "tipping point" of aging parents decline. really hard to give up.

my heart goes out to enbb,la lechera, ian and everybody facing this. all my middle-aged friends have ailing/aging parents right now, you guys are confronting it early like i did. these days my father in law is essentially dying, i was going to post this on the fuck cancer thread but it fits here too. he's 84, until a couple years ago was robust mentally and physically, the picture of how you'd hope to age. so it's shocking to see his rapid decline not just bodily but he's become very confused and withdrawn, barely a shell of his former self. chemotherapy is keeping him alive but at what cost? we just had our annual visit and my wife, her mom (who's a rock) and her two siblings are stressed out and struggling. not much else to say. but it's good to talk about it, in fact it's important for your - our - own mental health to let it out.

My dad had the driving decision taken out of his hands as he went blind in one eye at the start of the year, but he was getting to be quite a dangerous driver before than (he's 80) so we're really quite glad about it.

even though she knows she needs them, my mom refuses to get glasses because she thinks that they make her face look weird
she lives in fear of having her driver's license taken away from her because she is a very independent person and likes her alone time
:(

My mother-in-law has had quite serious dementia for the past six years or so. This started when she was in her early-to-mid 60s - one of the first events that really got us thinking that something was up was when she drove her car the wrong way round a large roundabout into oncoming traffic. At the moment she lives in a nursing home as is pretty much just a shell of her former self - she doesn't even know who her children are any more when they come to visit, but thankfully she does still appreciate the company which at least is one small positive that you can take away. Totally depressing though, so for anyone out there who is dealing with this right now, I can totally sympathise.

My mom, turning 80 next month, has been fighting the decline, bless her. Joined the hospital wellness center, has been selling and giving away decades' worth of my dad's accumulated packratcrap, still gets out there and mows her own lawn, etc. Next week she, my daughter and probably my wife are heading off to Biloxi to the casinos. But the decline is there...bad knees, bad feet, diabetes... My sympathies to everyone having a tough go of it these days.

My mum (68) has been dealing with my gran (88) for a long time; my gran has alzheimers. About six months ago she finally got her moved to a nursing home in the same town (200 miles from where my gran was before). Only now is she at the point where she can see any humour in the situation, which results in Facebook messages like this from my mum:

Today's visit to your gran!

G. (after a bit of mumbling and searching for words) Are you my daughter?

Me. Yes.

Gr. Are you really my daughter?

Me. Yes.

Gr. I can't remember. Am I your mother?

Me. Yes.

Gr. Where did we live?

So I started giving her a potted history of our life.

GR. How do you know you're my daughter?

A bit later on....

Gr, Haven't I got nice legs!

She thought it was quite funny that she couldn't remember things; seemed very happy and settled. The staff bore this out.

My mom and grandma live together with mom's "girlfriend", and I moved to be closer to them and my terminally ill Dad (they were separated). Grandma is sharp as a tack and well into her 90s. Of course I love Grandma, but mom is making seeing Grandma a miserable experience.

Like I said elsewhere she is getting into that old people thing of being passive-aggressive. I know I called her a "fascist" I didn't mean it, it's that her emotional state is kind of fascist.

It's her stupid family. She wasn't raised by her own mother, she was raised by her abusive and creepy grandmother and aunt and it really shows in how she deals with stuff like death and adult responsibilities.

If anything difficult happens in her life - death or whatever - she just escapes mentally. Her mom's family had a lot of money and stuff was handled for her all her life!! She doesn't understand why other people don't have it as easy. Because of her family, she feels she has a lot of power and I can't ever suspect her of having mental problems EVER.

My mom gave up driving last month. Kinda shocked, but pleased that she came to the decision herself. She's 88 and is in reasonably good health for her age - despite the piles of crap that she's hoarded (ongoing issue for her entire life). Sister is gone for several weeks so I'm on mom duty... it's extra frustrating because her hearing is so bad that she leaves the televisions on with the sound maxed-out and she can't hear the phone.

Vexing problem of the moment... Her sense of time and calendar dates are slipping, so making plans becomes a comedy of errors ("stop by this week" *does so* "what are you doing here, I said to come by next week") ad infinitum ad nauseum

wow, that sounds like a serious challenge. i'm sorry. i have this thread bookmarked and it popped up just as my parents arrived yesterday for their first visit in 3 years. they are aging. my mom is in great shape (in spite of some health issues this year) but my dad keeps looking and acting less like himself, which is thrown into stark relief when we look at old pictures together.

hmph.

I am going to visit my parents this weekend and I think that I'm actually going to have to ask them point blank what they want me to do for them if they ever get dementia or need care etc. My mom is in bad shape and her memory is already slipping and my biggest fear is that my dad dies first (though this is prob unlikely you never know) and I'm left to make decisions for/about her. I want to know now and while I know she's not going to want to talk about this I'm going to make them because I'm an only child and they have no other relatives here to help and I can't handle the stress and weight of this alone without knowing what they want.

Just to share my own personal woes on this thread --

My father nearly died last week; he collapsed on his way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. The ambulance came and got him to a hospital and it turned out he had two massive ulcers in his stomach and large intestine. This comes about 6 weeks after a surgery to biopsy a growth in his spinal cord.

Yesterday morning, recovering from the emergency surgery to stitch up the ulcers, he had a major heart attack and is in the hospital with a breathing tube, heavily sedated etc. On our way up to Rhode Island yesterday our van broke down on the Triboro Bridge -- shocks gave out and started to rub against the front tires, causing lots of burnt rubber smoke. We got it towed back to your neighborhood (luckily we weren't halfway through connecticut) and it's going to be repaired this afternoon, $800 later. I'm incredibly worried about my dad. The doctors are not sure how to treat him; they can't give him the usual blood thinners and medications because of the ulcers and recent surgery. I wish so badly I was there. And now I'm worried about the drive up, even though the car is getting fixed, I have a strong distrust of automobiles... Just don't know what to do. It's bad when my aunt is telling me to go straight to the hospital and bring his 'paperwork' (read: living will.)

So scared :\

I'm sorry to hear all of that.

me too. suerte, ian.

Oh, Ian. I'm sorry.

Aw man... Hoping for the best

the latest news is that he's off the respirator and able to talk a bit, though he is very disoriented and doesn't know where he is... so that's great news. the doctor was surprised at how much he's improved since last night when things were a bit more up in the air.

our car didn't get repaired until after 5:30, and not wanting to drive in rush hour, we are going up tomorrow morning.. thanks everyone for your kindness.

Safe travel, sweetie.

Urgh ENBB, reading your posts here and on other threads - I have the feeling that we're on the same boat.
I'm an only child, living 4 hours away from my parents, with my father at a very advanced stage of Parkinson's and my mother seriously diminished by years of alcoholism (with late-blooming epilepsy added to the mix). My dad has been the justification for getting home-help but in my mind the caretaker's role is also to watch over my mom and alert me when things get real bad. I've been freaking out for the last two years at what will happen if/when my dad passes away and I cannot justify to my mom keeping a caretaker at home.

that rather mad space where you seem cut off from the concerns of normal life, unable to relax for a minute, and living a kind of nightmare existence that no-one else around you realises.

There is a fine line between being a responsible child of an aging parent and being a child who feels responsible for his aging parents in the same way a parent is responsible for their child. If you feel like a disaster of some sort is perpetually imminent in your parents' lives, then they need both more and less from you than your being on perpetual panicky standby.

Hovering nearby in anxiety just exhausts you and accomplishes very little. They need your assistance to form a plan to get more help in their daily lives. If they refuse this assistance, either you must honor that refusal and trust them to steer themselves, or if they have become legally incompetant to be responsible for themselves, then you must bite the bullet and seek the authority of a conservator or guardian, so at least you can move them away from the brink or perpetual disaster.

I know this x1000 times easier to say than to do. I just would like to plant the seed of this thought so you can consider it.

Yeah you're totally right. Knowing deep down that this endless anxiety has zero value to them is one of the most frustrating parts. I basically feel I'm on the border between the two scenarios you describe - ie. my mother is too lucid/young/healthy to be completely assisted or put in a home or under my legal guard - and yet alcoholism makes her accident prone and unable to care for my dad and her household. They've got several hours of help every day but even that is starting to seem not enough.
I know that I should stop aimlessly panicking and start making concrete plans but my general response to the anxiety is to try as hard as I can to put in my head in the sand and try no to think about it. So yeah, obviously not a winning strategy

Alcoholism really complicates that picture. You have a damned tough row to hoe. But you can't realistically save people from themselves.

baaderonixx - Yeah, it does sound similar although thankfully my dad is still in pretty good health but you never know and that's what scares me. I've tried to talk to them about it before but my mom flat out refuses to do so because she likes to ignore her mortality but that's just fucking selfish and I'm sick of worrying about this so I'm going to bring it up when I'm down there next weekend. He is her caretaker right now and I just have no idea what I'd do if something happened to him. I'm sure as hell not moving to Florida that's for sure.

"The last two-three years of my life have been a long panic attack basically, always concerned what may be happening at my parent's house at any given minute, always refusing to relax or to go on trips because I always feel like i'm on standby mode and might need to rush to my parent's home at any time."

If my dad weren't around and in good shape I'm sure this would be me too. That said, if my phone ever rings and I see it's them calling at a time I'm not expecting I go into extreme panic mode. Also, Christmas this year was so awful that I wound up extending my visit to go with my mom to the dr to see about her meds/drinking but sadly, it didn't really do much. At least I felt better for trying.

Oh baad, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's really stressful and yours sounds like a particularly tough situation right now.

geez ian, hang in there man.

I'm spending my Christmas break cleaning out my mother's hoarder house. She's 89 and after being very active for most of her life, her body has quit out on her and she's depressed, but meeting it with competing levels of rage and denial. She's flat-out refused all help for years and can be quite alienating about it. Her balance is very unsteady, but she can't use a walker in the house because there's too much trash. My sister brings her food, but she won't let anyone in the house. Hoarding has been an issue in her entire life - it's the reason why my parents broke up. When given the choice between her house full of newspapers and unopened mail or her family, she chose the pile. Now there are consequences.

Ten days ago she began (lust like the commercial) falling down and not getting up. She knows she can't call 911 because emergency services will report just how much of a fire hazard things are in there. Each fall has been progressively worse... The next day, my sister found her fallen over on a pile of unopened magazine. Apparently she had been there overnight without any clothes on and had, well, vacated herself on top of things. The day after that, she fell again and became hypothermic. So after a stay in the hospital and time away from the horrifying conditions in her house she's in outpatient assisted living and impatiently wanting to go home. Only she can't, because it's a shambles. About the only plus side to having to having to Make A Decision about assisted living/nursing homes during Christmas break is that there are so many of them in Orange County.

So we're finally cleaning the house. Desperately want to rant about the weird shit I'm finding, but I don't anything ending up on Reddit right now. The photos I took of the "high water mark" before we began emptying things out have been powerfully radioactive. I think my aunt had a nervous breakdown and I haven't heard back from the last person I sent them too.

his Christmas I've broken out of my current state of "existential depression fortified by all-new economic anxiety" has been interrupted by

oh man

oops... meant to finish with

"At least this Christmas I've broken out of my current state of "existential depression fortified by all-new economic anxiety" with this."

ugh, i'm sorry, that must be really stressful. :-/

oh wow C that's so awful. I hope you get thru it with plenty of support.

Aw, jeez, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. Well, at all, really. Hope that she is able to get the help she requires, and that you are able to cope with it all.

My sister and I went on a whirlwind tour of four different assisted living places yesterday. The outpatient place where my mom is put us in touch with a woman who works as a real estate agent for (what the preferred term is) assisted living facilities. Whatever stereotypes you're imagining after reading that describes the day. If I was a douchey indie film screenwriter, a repeating theme would be:

ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY AGENT has programmed the addresses of dozens 
of facilities in the satellite navigation system of her Mercedes SUV and scrolls 
through them with the expertise of a veteran video gamer.

Oddly enough the one we went with is the one that felt most like a well appointed desert Indian casino. Guess that's what the Greatest Generation goes for now. The facilities were all new and the staff simply seemed like they gave a shit about the residents. Blurted out "it looks just like The Village from The Prisoner" several times during the day.

I know what you mean - we went through a similar search three years ago, right before the holidays, for Mr. Jaq's mom. If there had been a more casino themed one available, it would have been a perfect fit. As it is now, he takes her out every other Sunday to one. She was just moved into the "memory care" unit though, and has trouble remembering how the slot machines work. It's a challenging time, and my thoughts are with you.

I'm so sorry man, that's so rough. It's such a hard decision to make. I foresee that we'll be facing similar tough decisions in the coming year/s with my father in law as his dementia worsens. There's a small, quiet part of me that hopes that he shuffles off before such a decision has to be made.

It's so hard to bear witness to that level of helplessness...I really sympathize.

So last weekend, my mother unplugged the monitor and tried to use the bathroom by herself (this is still at the first outpatient place). She fell and hurt her back pretty badly, so assisted living is now completely out of the question. Go directly to Memory Care, do not pass Go, etc. The doctor's report gets directly to the point... "dementia, memory loss, wandering & fall risk." I drove her to the new facility on Monday in her own car, but she couldn't recognize it and kept forgetting after I reminded her. Since then she has been just horrible to the staff who have been nothing but patient. I got a message this morning that she had been screaming so loudly at everyone that she developed chest pains and had to be readmitted back to the hospital.

I had been thinking to myself "ok, maybe after 90 days (a totally arbitrary number) things will become predicable again." Now I'm not sure at all.

Thanks for all the kind words. Need to unload somewhere and it might as well be here.

Ned, that's great to hear.. I hope he has a speedy recovery from the surgery

Sounds like he's very much in good spirits already and my mom was clearly relaxed and happy on the phone, which was good to hear. We weren't fretting too much, but, as I lightly mentioned on the obituaries thread, another close relative just passed on Friday, so having this unalloyed bit of good news was lovely for us, and especially my mom.

I’m glad your dad is recovering well, Ned.

It’s been quite a few days. A day before flying to visit my parents in the woods of East Texas, my dad called to tell me that since February he’s been getting chemo for colon cancer that has spread to nearby organs. The only reason he told me at all is because his hair has grown back funny and he hasn’t put enough weight back on to hide it. He’s been eating a cinnamon bun and a v8 for breakfast every morning. He wanted me to not tell my kids but I ignored him and told them.

So we get in and he’s apparently doing better but he’s acting
like he doesn’t know what stage his cancer is at and I know he’s being evasive. Mom tells me that he has 3-5 years. They live way out in the country. Like, digging your own well and having a tractor to mow the fields around the house kinda country. So she’s nervous and hasn’t been able to talk to me about this since February because my dad whom I love is such a controlling asshole. I gently fussed at them about how we’re a family that should rely on each other and it’s not fair to my mom or me to be secretive about this kind of thing.

The day after we get in I had already committed to helping a college friend deal with his parents house who are probably 5 years older than mine. The father died five years ago and this was my friend’s first chance to look through his dad’s stuff. His father, like mine, was in vietnam and had similar interests. His mom is in a wheelchair and had been in assisted living for a year and the house has been shut down with no electricity and a leaky roof so it’s nasty. After the dad died the mom started chain smoking in the house and everything is sticky and brown. So, it’s like seeing a bizarro future of my parents.

So today is the first time I’ve really had to talk to my dad and he’s outside doing yardwork and sweating his ass off with his wet clothes hanging loose on him. I just sit in the shade waiting for him to take a break and talk. He finally sits down with me, small talks for a minute, and gets back to work so he can get more done “before it gets hot,” at 12:30pm in Texas summer. I know he does not want to talk but fucking hell.

AND, I found out last night that my mom cracked her sternum. WTF, old people.

Holy Crap, I understand every bit of that, as offspring and ever-budding geezer. Thank you for your exemplary patience. xpost Ned, glad about your Dad, and thanks for all the info, had never heard of that condition.

You're most welcome. He's had to hold off a bit on full physical therapy until a shoulder operation on Wednesday -- a short one, thankfully -- and then after he's healed up from that, they'll get into things in full for both that and the larger balance issues.

One of the things I was taught for balance: walking in a straight line between floor tiles. The drunkwalk, yeah, and can see how this would be a bit tricky on or by roads, even cold sober; I still may have one wobble for every time I do it. But also can do it backwards, though neither way is any very lengthy length---maybe ehhh 16, 18 feet at most? Kind of fun, as exercises go.

Was talking to my dad about his cancer and he was exposed to a lot of agent orange in Vietnam. There are two people, including him, still alive from his platoon. Everyone else that made it home died of cancer.

Cow_Art, that is rough, but I also think I would be that way. People ask me how I am doing and if they don’t know about my past month or two I explain it all to them and their mouths drop open, like “what are you doing walking around and lifting weights and stuff?!!?? are you fucking crazy?” and the answer is yes. like, this isn’t a big deal.

but also, more topically: my parents are the same. my dad will call and he’ll be like “well mom was in the hospital last week because she broke her ankle” and i’m like “we moved twenty minutes away from you for this exact reason, please tell me this shit!!!” it’s bizarre

Not a problem with my parents — they sometimes tell me more than I want or need to know about physical ailments. Plus since they moved close to me they ask me to go to their doctor appointments with them (which I'm happy to do, because I get much less garbled information that way). Best wishes to your dad, Cow_Art.

My mom was hospitalized from being bit by a copperhead and I found out months later. And we had multiple conversations in that time! How would that not come up?

I got a "Went into the hospital, had a cancerous growth removed" text from my mom earlier this year. Of course this is the same woman who texted me "Got shot" when she first got the COVID vaccine.

A buddy was supposed to fly to NYC tomorrow to celebrate his 50th - fancy hotel, steak dinner, etc.

Now he's driving down to Santa Monica to check on his folks, both in their 80's... he didn't really say what prompted the cancellation, but he was really looking forward to this trip

Was talking to my dad about his cancer and he was exposed to a lot of agent orange in Vietnam.

In the last couple of years my dad started to understand, via a family friend, what the VA does for veterans in his situation who have his service record and have experienced health impacts over the course of their lives. Idk but they have a points system for where you were and what substances you were handling/exposed to, and it's such a damning/fascinating admission of them completely knowing that they sickened and killed their own people, but anyway he's had every health complication on the list and suddenly he's getting very good and completely FREE medical, supportive, and end of life care guaranteed. He's finally getting hearing aids!! I'm sure my mom is thrilled. ("What?")

One of my fears for them was that he would neglect his health and just get really depressed and hopeless as he becomes less capable, and my mom would spend years waiting on him and having a worse life. Now...I think that's all handled?!

Everyone should have this. It is completely possible, and we know how to do it.

My soon to be 74 year old father sent me an email saying he is adopting a kitten. Not sure that's the best course of action right now.

my mom turned 82 yesterday; finally reached her on the phone after several attempts and wished her the traditional Happy Sidney Crosby's Birthday, but she absolutely doesn't get the joke anymore.

she had a headache, but if she felt better today she was planning to drive home. except that she doesn't have a car or a house to drive home to and hasn't in over two years.

so now all of my conversations with her are: a) you are crazy and wrong about every basic fact you think you know about your life, and b) it's totally fine, your sister and i, whom you will soon forget, love you and are looking out for you

(yes i know it's not really a 'joek' but she and i are from pittsburgh and she once knew she shared a birthday with sid. were we from southern california (or new jersey) it might have instead been the traditional 'happy mike trout's birthday')

Xp Cow_Art & i.o. — my dad got compensated for agent orange cancer as well — it was weird because… over 50 years later y’know? They didn’t pay enough for a private room in the nursing home fwiw. Sometimes the VA isn’t the most responsive (according to my mom) and they actually continued to pay after he died, because DOGE cuts, and my mom was super anxious because she wanted them to take the money back so she could close that bank account.

I am happy that my mother enjoys the Hallmark Mysteries channel. But I am sick of that damn Matlock theme.

My mom is afraid of bluetooth … I was trying to explain why she doesn’t need to have a phone number for her ipad …

The NYT illustrated guide to elderproofing a house is pretty good… though some of the kitchen suggestions don’t take into consideration earthquake prone areas (it acknowledges this once though).

it's so hard to convince old people they are old

*hot-pre-old-person-tip* single floor housing

I am very glad my folks went that route when they bought their place in 1994…

it's so hard to convince old people they are old

ime it's pretty hard to convince children that their old people are (too) old

fortunately my mom wandering her property in her nightgown in (a past) february convinced everyone else

my folks have serviced their low maintenance property for 20 years and i couldn't be happier.

it's tough being married and knowing recommending that insults all of the other side.

xp i think it depends on age, but i'd wager most kids would remember some point when a parent was down.

perhaps a bit different when your mom's a widow and you're an only child and there's no one else available to make the call

she had told me that she couldn't live without her garden, and i lacked the fortitude to point out that she could also not live with it

anyway three years later she's still alive

when i talk to her, she mentions how if everything goes well, she'll drive home tomorrow. (both her car and her house were long ago sold)

for a while she was reading the harry potter series (yes, i know) over and over again, and occasionally claimed that she was reading a new one.

now i'm not sure she does much of anything.

it's really only a matter of time until she doesn't recognize me, or remember having had a child.

My mom qualified for hospice yesterday. No terminal illness diagnosed, but she is 86 and has been in escalating memory care for years. It's challenging to express my real feelings over this, because when it's you mom you are expected to feel a certain way - and I don't. She was abusive and remained so, to the max that she could be. Anyway - folks with difficult elderly parents, I see you.

Xp western — even with single floor houses (like my parents’ mom’s) there are still often steps, though it is actually feasible to install ramps… but not all ramps are equal … my mom had a “nice young man” put in plywood ramps over the few stairs she has … and I have suggested that she should have better ones, and that I can take care of this for her … but she “isn’t there yet”. I know her reticence is mostly about feeling like she can manage on her own.