slaves, tell me about 50 Shades of Grey

Thank god people will finally get to hear Pachelbel's Canon in D, what a gift this book has brought us.

the album features cover art based on the novels

I supposed it's too much to hope that the cover art will just be the words KINKY FUCKERY in giant print

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5is96_ciseE/TbPBr18Fv3I/AAAAAAAAA6U/Cn1hn_vQkDA/s1600/Argh%2521_opt.jpeg

Oh man, Oneal is killing it here with his Newswire write-up:

Fifty Shades Of Grey now in classical music form, could soon be in "movie from The Killing's Veena Sud" form

The point is, Fifty Shades has sparked more than just increased sales of sex toys, "sugar daddy" website memberships, jizzed-on classic literature, and other works of Twilight-inspired fan fiction receiving their own seven-figure deals, thus making every other author wonder why they should even bother writing anything else, he sighed while unbuttoning his crisp, $500 dress shirt and then making powerful, long-lasting love to her quivering lady-flower, before going back to being a brooding rich asshole. 

I somehow missed this treat of a line:

"I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of the communist manifesto."

Dear god.

XD

Okay, that's not the best part. Dying here. The whole paragraph:

"Um." I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto. Stop talking. Stop talking NOW.

Italics hers.

So much potential for the movie to be the Starship Troopers of romcoms. Though I'm not sure who's the romcom version of Paul Verhoeven.

Clearly that is Paul Verhoeven!

It reminds me a little of Penny Priddy from Buckaroo Bonzai:

"It's like a tiny big bang! It's like a baby bang! But I guess I'm just stating the obvious. Shut up, just shut up..."

http://ih.constantcontact.com/fs007/1102261798421/img/49.jpg

quotable

i want to go on record as saying "Mommy porn" is the worst neologism of 2012

I'll second that.

"...what the book did for sales of rope?"

i have multiple interpretations of this

lol

Fifty Shades of Grey – The Classical Album aims to provide the perfect accompaniment to the Fifty Shades reading experience, setting a mysterious and alluring atmosphere with just the slightest hint of danger … music includes The Tallis Scholars’ sweeping version of Spem in Alium featured in the first novel

erquifpqrfhpuihqweruiofbrqiofhqilrfhilqrvbhiqruvhiqrlvilqrvqilruevhwioerhfuifqrbgvioqvilvoqerhvuioqervierv999

Read that as "Sperm in Alium." Of course.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_CRBK_oJYQOo/SW_ATtOukaI/AAAAAAAAAWE/erAK_b5j-Zk/s400/Hitch+in+coffin.jpg

Hitch: "Old boys, I much preferred the butt drawer!"

don't front y'all, "Spem in alium" is awesome

of course it was more awesome before it was associated with the butt drawer but no one said we lived in a perfect world

i want to go on record as saying "Mommy porn" is the worst neologism of 2012

― "Batshit crazy," the foam clog tycoon said. (forksclovetofu)

I'll second that.

― ms. cookie (carl agatha), Tuesday, August 14, 2012 10:33 AM (1 hour ago)

http://jezebel.com/5937084/10-shades-of-stupid-cosmos-worst-bdsm-tips?comment=52123692
poll plz

I can't stop giggling at the response to suggestion number 6.

"Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."

O_o

"slick your vulva" is not a phrase I expected to read today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgD0lAQsUao

Cosmopolitan's August 2012 Issue: "Wow Your Man With These Moves Inspired by 'Fifty Shades of Grey'"

They are selling these books @ WalMart now. Their copies are shrinkwrapped for your protection though.

make sure to use only nickels xxp

Oh hey, the apocalypse:

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/263834_4139802487680_502195708_n.jpg

Also, if you're going to be accurate, that's only wearable for a day. Not very good value for money.

(P.S. BARRRRF)

Whyyyyy would you want to advertise that to the world?

Also, it would be nice if interviewers found other things to ask the President about other than 50 Shades of Grey.

http://www.printedclothing.com/shack/contents/media/t_d103-spurp.jpg

OK, that's enough now.

Dom Passantino.

Still in every goddamn airport bookstore on the continent

Prominently displayed, that is

no really that's enough

“We’re thrilled to have worked with E L James to develop the Fifty Shades of Grey range,” says Lovehoney co-founder Neal Slateford. “The Trilogy has introduced generations of women to the joys of pleasure products. Now at last they can buy a range that truly reflects the world of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.”

With names inspired by passages from the books, the official collection will allow women and their partners to enter a whole new world of pleasure. Costing between £10 and £40, the initial range of 20 products includes:

Inner Goddess - Silver Pleasure Balls - £24.99
“The balls weigh down inside me, massaging me internally… they make me needy, needy for sex.”

You. Are. Mine. - Metal Handcuffs - £14.99
"The handcuffs, I enjoyed… well, more than enjoyed. It was mind-blowing. You can do that to me again anytime.”

Submit To Me - First Time Bondage Kit - £49.99
“Picture yourself lying here bound and totally at my mercy.”

All Mine - Deluxe Satin Blackout Mask - £16.99
“Slowly, he slides the mask on…and I’m blind.”

Sweet Sting - Riding Crop - £16.99
“He starts small, biting licks of the crop against my belly once more…until finally, that’s it – I can take no more…”

Twitchy Palm - Spanking Paddle - £24.99
“Spank me, please…Sir,” I whisper.

i suppose at least the range is more straightforwardly connected to the books than the classical album.

How is £49.99 between £10 and £40?

"First Time Bondage Kit"

when I first saw this I just thought how much money does she want? Does she want all the money in the world?, but I suppose she must truly believe fanfic-based bondage will be a liberating force for millions worldwide.

Baby's First Bondage Kit

My Little Pony Girl

Tough decision whether to post this story here or 'your most important local news story', but I'm going with this thread: Which Man Will Be Crowned Derby's Own Christian Grey?

White Linen Days' 50 Shades of Grey night

i'm confused. very confused.

This was my favourite detail:

The pair run the business White Linen Days – desirable days out for women – which often includes shopping trips to Bicester shopping outlet, in Oxfordshire

I think I just find something inherently lolworthy about Bicester.

god bless them for helping the little women achieve their dream of a day out shopping.

If only such a business existed here, I wouldn't have to fashion work clothes out of newspapers and bread bags.

had a dream last night that a female acquaintance from high-school made a really aggressive pass at me. I was confused, and she said "it's because i like your reading material." then i looked down and noticed i was holding a copy of 50 shades. bad, bad dream.

That is horrifying. I have been having nightmares every night this past week about being hunted down by a psychotic serial killer, but I'd still take those over your dream.