Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

this weekend I will see if my account still exists

Laurel, I had a look and I would totally date you. If I was single, male and in the same country.

I reversed my search to be for women in my demographic and read a bunch of their profiles and MAN they are boring as fuck. Or...not "boring" maybe specifically but...trite? Too many exclamation marks and not very good writing.

Hahaha! Thanks! That means it's totally working, because if you were single, male, and lived in the US and asked me out, I'd say yes.

suprised you didn't leave the gays out tbf

Oh Morbs! What will us curmudgeons do for wuv?

I also quite liked the "sturdy peasant" phrasing, it sounds kind of cute to me, but La Lech is probably right that it could appear as too much of a self-deprecating thing.

It's something that's really only A Thing in New York, I feel like a real tree trunk compared to other women here but when I go other places it seems ridic. It's really my issue and not reality, I'm pretty sure.

you're borderline anorexic for the midwest iirc

It's really my issue and not reality, I'm pretty sure.
this is why i said chop it

suggested, rather

I'm fine with general non-matey wuv as long as I just get some relief now and then.

my profile name is manuela_wr@ught (googleproofed) but I am pretty sure I've shared it here before...

Pretty sure I am avoided because I list myself as 'overweight' but hey, what the hell, I'm fucking overweight... why lie.

I didn't even know what to put for that. I would describe my body type as 'awesome' but there's no accounting for others' perceptions.

Hahahaha u rad

You would not believe the same 10 people who stalk my page and message me all the time who confide almost immediately that they love "a woman with curves"

eye roll.

You should have heard the guy on my train talking about "big girls" last night. To everyone within earshot.

I seriously am jealous of people who have the privilege of not having to be someone's fetish. When these dudes tell me their love of "big girls", or whatever, they act like I should do backflips of excitement that someone finds me desireable... and they also get extremely angry when I am not immediately bowled over with surprise and excitement.

Oh yeah totally.

There needs to be a "thick" option for body type. Yahoo personals had that option, maybe still does. I identify as thick.

Homo II OTM. I'm sure Azn people feel that way too sometimes. I used to hear from guys who started by telling me they were into "Latin" men or had that in their profile. It always seemed like they were into the abstraction of Latin Man.

Julia, that's a good idea, writing off site.

http://desmond.imageshack.us/Himg708/scaled.php?server=708&filename=ga020607.gif&res=landing

Hm well I talked with my sister on the phone for a couple of hours afterward and that was a lot more fun. I told her I should just marry her. She said since we're ex-Mormons we could call ourselves "sister wives," and have it be confusingly ambiguous. idk maybe you had to be there

Every time my favourite ladies of ILX come on this thread and talk about their "I hate a date tonight" terror/excitement, I feel like I should be doing this, too. But even just the thought of subjecting myself to the ritual humiliation of dating sites makes me feel tense and anxious.

Homo II, I completely hear you and understand on the "not wanting to be someone's fetish" thing. That is an awful and humiliating thing and deeply unpleasant to be the focus of.

But, but, but... (and you can put this down to my contrary fire/water sign nature) ...my contrary mind starts trying to look at this from every angle. (I don't do this to be an arsehole, or to discount other people's experiences/reactions, it's just the way my mind works. It always tries to see things from every side at once.)

On one hand, as someone who has very distinct physical fetishes, I know that there is something irrational and slightly uncontrollable about them. BUT! That does not give anyone an excuse to be a jerk about it. Although a fetish may cause you to be immediately and powerfully attracted to someone, that attraction does not give you the right to treat them as if they are not actually even human. I think that I have the self-control, that even if I saw the most red-haired and pointy-nosed personage in a profile, I would try to say "I see that you like this author, so do I! what's your favourite novel?" rather than "OMG POINTY NOSED GINGER GET IN MY VAGINA RIGHT NOW OW OW OW!!!!"

On the other hand, there is that tension between wanting to be perceived as a whole human being, and wanting to be desired, intrinsically and without reservation. I'm fat, and my body often physically disgusts me. (I don't know if my body disgusts me because it is fat, or because it is female, these things are so tangled in popular culture. I struggle with it.) The idea of a partner finding my disgusting fat body a source of untrammelled and unreserved sexual joy would actually be a source of some considerable relief to me. That it was not just someone putting up with my grossness because they loved me, but because they actually found my body a source of delight. Because I cannot even imagine anyone finding my body desirable right now. However, I guess the problem is - that when you are the object of a fetish, again, it's as if the rest of your person doesn't even exist, the whole complex you-ness that makes up you, not just this one fractured aspect of it.

I had a partner, once, when I was about 21, who, when I complained about my body, would look at me with confused eyes and say "that part of your body is beautiful because it is yours! I love *you*, ergo, I love the thighs that carry you around, because they are yours." I wish I had recognised, then, what a unique and beautiful way of looking at the world that really was.

Anyway, I will shut up. I am obviously too big a ball of ~issues~ to ever date anyone, ever.

The guy I was dating constantly deflected my compliments to him, which baffled me because to me, he was truly gorgeous. I do have an odd "type", granted (thin, pale, fey guys) but he fit that to a tee.

I'd said to him before we met that I'd basically given up on OKC due to being burned a few times, but it was good to just trust in people and get back on the wagon.

Now, yet again, I'm sitting here feeling empty and sad and thinking "why does this happen?". Perhaps we will remain good friends. I dont even know. I'm just so sad.

Trayce, some people deflect compliments because they have such poor self esteem that they are unable to believe them (or that they deserve them.) Other people deflect compliments because they are afraid that heartfelt praise means that the other person is more into ~the relationship~ than they are, rather than just an expression of good-feeling which can be returned and shared.

Neither makes for a good relationship, IMO.

I would suggest, as a caveat, that even if you have been burned on OKC, and have just got burned yet again, it perhaps isn't a good idea to share this with the other person? Because it creates an exaggerated expectation on them to make up for others' behaviour. When really they should be judged on their own. I am probably wrong about that, mind, because I am a social retard, and there's probably a better way of dealing with it.

(I'm sorry, though, this bloke turned out not to be a good thing for you. That is sad-making.)

You make a good point about the expectation thing and that hadnt occurred to me, to be honest, hm. I am honest to a fault, and it does me in atimes.

I would suggest, as a caveat, that even if you have been burned on OKC, and have just got burned yet again, it perhaps isn't a good idea to share this with the other person? Because it creates an exaggerated expectation on them to make up for others' behaviour.

truth

my new gf was on okc a lot before i met her (we didnt meet on the site) and there were a lot of horror stories she had from the site, and telling me kind of resulted in the above - like I started to feel myself saying "im not like that" and "its ok you can trust me" but stopped myself because well to me im just Coal, not "potential douche number 14"

and there was a bit of feeling of having to somehow differentiate myself from douches 1-13, but the other way round i wasnt asking her to be different from some other people, or well just anything but herself

I'm not sure how I feel about talking about past relationships--especially so early on in a relationship. In one way, it's a way to get to know each other better, but if it's a kind of solace seeking thing (where feelings are still raw) I think it's a bit misguided, and can put a cloud over what should be a fun new time. I haven't been in a relationship for so long now that for me to talk about anything would be really theoretical, like talking about my youth or adolescence, ie not bound up with any present feelings--I think in that case it's fine. But it's still not something I seek to introduce into conversations.

Also, if someone has had 13 bad experiences, you have to start to wonder if they are somehow contributing to or seeking out bad experiences or at the very least not judging correctly or failing to protect themself. There's bad luck, which happens to everyone, and then there's patterns. And yes, no on should have to feel like they have to differentiate themselves from previous people--that's too much pressure! I think it also introduces the seed of the idea to be a douche, when in reality that idea wasnt there in the first place.

"potential douche number 14"

think I am going to make a nametag that says this

Fairly certain I have considerably more than 13 failed relationships. I should clearly be banned from life, let alone dating!

the number 13 was arbitrary, dont know what the actual number is!

also i meant it to refer specifically to okcupid things as it was sort of being discussed in terms of that, and where these people came from - i got the feeling the non-okc ones were fine!

i dont really have any need to talk about past things with a new person, i mean if they want to then sure, and like if it was a serious thing then i understand needing to tell about it, but a series of failures that basically seem to be a case of bad judgement, im not sure what to do with that information exactly! it does serve as kind of a warning of "dont be like these people", which ok but that feels like it carries implicit assumption that im one of those people too

maybe i am!

Well, yeah, all of our relationships are "failed" to the extent that they are not still going on...But i mean if you blame it on 13 douches...if they really were douches, why were you opening yourself up to douches over and over again? I dont know, I'm pretty independent, I don't really feel like I need anybody per se, I'd rather do my own thing, rather than playing douche roulette.

idk is this the thing where a person whips out a bunch of semi-comical 'omg cray dates' stories as all their stories because they don't have any stories of their own?

.if they really were douches, why were you opening yourself up to douches over and over again?

this is a good question! i think a case of questionable judgement and going too fast....i think the 'serious' past relationships are not being counted as failures, more the 'are they/arent they' ones from okc

i dont think all ended relationships are failures!

and not all ongoing ones are successes

Of course you're one of those people...we're all one of those people! You don't intend to be...but the chance that someone is not going to get hurt in a relationship seems very rare to me. You can't ask for a guarantee at the beginning: "Please dont hurt me." It doesn't work that way. I think it create the opposite effect. Instead of enjoying the relationship, you might start wondering when you are going to let her down.

"douche roulette" A+

You can't ask for a guarantee at the beginning: "Please dont hurt me." It doesn't work that way. I think it create the opposite effect. Instead of enjoying the relationship, you might start wondering when you are going to let her down.

yes exactly, goes back to what WCC was saying to trayce, i dont think this is the best policy

Oh, I don't think of any of my past relationships as failures, actually, I was just responding to WCC''s comment about 13 "failed" relationships.

I read that.

and not all ongoing ones are successes

― in charge of refreshments tonight is (Abbbottt),

absolutely!

No, you're absolutely right. All those failed relationships are a sign that I am a terrible person with absolutely horrible patterns and poor taste in partners. I don't date anyway, and I haven't done in a number of years. I don't really know what I'm doing on this thread anyway. I think I was just trying to make Trayce feel less bad about this bloke's disappointing behaviour, but clearly that didn't work either.

im unable to tell if the 13 okcupids (or whatever number it is) really WERE douches to her or not but its kind of like well whether a) bad luck in successive douches, b) bad judgement in making a pattern of douche dating, or c) is just being melodramatic and none of them were douches, or d) combination of above

i cant really do anything about them, other than have subconscious thought that im one too!

All those failed relationships are a sign that I am a terrible person with absolutely horrible patterns and poor taste in partners.

Don't fall into the trap of binary thinking like this! If they were all really douchebags, then either all men are douchebags, you're seeking out a certain type that has issues, or something in the relationships is causing them to end in ways you feel are failures, not natural breaks.

I had a pretty short-lived relationship to the tune of a few months that the other person ended. At the time, I was kind of a neurotic seasonally-depressed person, but I still recognized that we did have some differences and extenuating factors that made the relationship one that probably wouldn't go on indefinitely, anyway. That didn't stop me from being a weirdo a few months later who *had* to talk to her on the phone and meet up when she obviously was not interested. That was a problem on my part, and I learned a lot about how to be in relationships, and deal with my own shit, and I look back at the time we spent together fondly. So, no failures on anyone's part.

The only real failures I'd chalk up are the ones where both people knew it was over, whether it was mutual or one person obviously wasn't into it, and we tried to drag it out regardless.

WCC, that is not to say I thought you were thinking in a binary matter, but if you're not getting anything out of these relationships and you think they're failures, I don't think being sarcastic about your own self esteem is going to help. They're maybe not a sign of anything.

I'm not being sarcastic now. I've been functionally asexual for several years now. It's pointless to keep bashing your head against something that's clearly not working.

Well, I hope you're able to drop some of the bile about it eventually! Seems like you could be happy while not seeking others.