slaves, tell me about 50 Shades of Grey

He bends me over the Raymour & Flannigan sectional sofa and enters me suddenly from behind... I stiffen, and an involuntary "Oh, fudge!" escapes my lips.

I am pretty sure my inner goddess is going to get a leg cramp from this ceaseless meringue but that doesn't stop him.

He pulls my hips back and flips over my legs, twisting them 180 degrees. Then, he pulls back my head and folds my arms over my face. A sharp jolt snaps my hips into my shoulders and the transformation is complete. I am now a Volkswagen Beetle.

omg

Metamorphosis for the 2010s.

DJP we are clearly keeping you from irl fame and fortune

"Purr for me," he growls, his grey eyes glinting in my rear view mirror. "I want to hear my little love bug hum."

My heart skips a beat with every thrust. "Vrooom," I groan. "Vroom vrooooooooom.... Meep-meep!"

A sudden, sharp pain flashes across my hood, stinging especially where his high school ring scratches the paint. "No!" he shouts. "No Roadrunner shit! I only fuck sexy cars!"

Even this admonishment is making my tailpipe juicy with desire. Haltingly, I rev my engine some more, making sure to flash my brake lights. "Vroom?" I ask, craving dearly his approval and the feel of his love piston.

"Yes...." he moans, caressing my engorged leather interior. "Now let's see how you... handle."

Oh goodness. I don't know if I will recover from this ride.

...

dying

omglololo

btw thx everyone for helping me figure out what I'm doing for NaNoWriMo this year

can't wait for Chapter 5 when her distributor cap melts

argh spoilers I've said too much

omg dan

but what is a ceaseless meringue?

That was bad spelling correction; I meant the merengue the dance, although the mental image of neverending meringue created by sexual activity is probably worse.

I think "Even this admonishment is making my tailpipe juicy with desire," is the worst sentence I've ever written

but what is a ceaseless meringue?

symptom of an oncoming leg cramp

I don't know if I can sustain this for 50K words but for once I feel super compelled to try

you can do it DJP

"I don't know if I can sustain this for 50K words," he said, while she held his... pen. "But for once I feel super compelled to try"

oh dammit, now I can't use that

http://theworstthingsforsale.com/post/23540447802/let-me-admit-that-i-havent-read-cosmos-sexiest

i can just imagine DJP unintentionally appealing to the erotic desires of inner Volkswagons everywhere

"oh dammit, now I can't use that," she said, as he cast aside yet another tampon

omg H4A that is spectacular

also lol some dude

the mental image of neverending meringue created by sexual activity is probably worse.

Gives "santorum" a run for its money.

My god, DJP. You are a monster.

He’s like several different people in one body. Isn’t that a symptom of schizophrenia? I must Google that.
Fifty Shades Darker, p. 82.

Def straying into sissymh territory, though, with the juicy tailpipe.

A co-worker told me that Christian Grey utters the line "I am fifty shades of fucked up."

hahha H4A that is great, "huevos"

He continued to relentlessly, unflinchingly nookie me down there, causing my inner goddess to bake meringues

At the end of the day I did it all for the nookie, but he never took that cookie and shoved it up my hey.

bwahahahha

I cannot get the image out of my head of a "What he's thinking (scary guy with leather mask inflicting pain) / What she's thinking (goddess doing yoga on cloud)" cartoon

has this been posted already?
http://www.jest.com/video/174214/gilbert-gottfried-reads-fifty-shades-of-grey

if not here, it was posted on another thread, but yeah that was posted

Def straying into sissymh territory, though, with the juicy tailpipe.

― oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken. (Austerity Ponies), Wednesday, May 23, 2012 11:43 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

hey what

lol

haha that abbreviation was unfortunate

i was super amused by the gottfried thing but maybe i am more amused than most by the one joke that is gilbert gottfried. when he tips his head back and howls HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY FUCK (apparently a rare moment of abandon for prim anastasia steele!) i lol hard. i watched it like three times. idk what that says.

http://www.avclub.com/articles/fifty-shades-of-grey-hits-10-million-copies-sold-m,75540/

Don't fool yerself, girl /
It's goin' right up yer poop chute

He sighs and runs his hands through his hair again. “It goes back to being 50 shades of fucked up Isabella. I need to control you. I need you to behave in a certain way, and if you don’t … I love to watch your beautiful alabaster skin, pink and warm up under my hands. It turns me on.”

Holy shit. Now we’re getting somewhere.

“So it’s not the pain you’re putting me through?”

“A bit, to see if you can take it, but that’s not the whole reason. It’s the fact that you are mine do with as I see fit – ultimate control over someone else. Look, I’m not explaining myself very well, I’ve never had to before. I’ve not really thought about this in any great depth. I’ve always been with… like-minded people,” he shrugs apologetically. “And you still haven’t answered my question – how did you feel afterwards?”

“Confused.”

“You were sexually aroused by it Isabella.” He closes his eyes briefly, and when he re-opens them and gazes at me they are smoldering green embers. His expression pulls at that dark part of me, buried in the depths of my belly – my libido, woken and tamed by him, but even now… insatiable.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he murmurs.

I frown. Jeez what have I done now?

“I don’t have any condoms, Isabella, and you know, you’re upset. Contrary to what your roommate believes, I’m not a priapic monster. So, you felt confused?”

I squirm under his intense gaze.

“You have no problem being honest with me in print. Your emails always tell me exactly how you feel. Why can’t you do that in conversation? Do I intimidate you that much?”

I pick at an imaginary spot on my mother’s blue and cream quilt.

“You dazzle me, Edward. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun,” I whisper.

He gasps. “Well, I think you’ve got that the wrong way around.”

“What?”

“Oh Isabella, you’ve bewitched me. Isn’t it obvious?”

No, not to me. Bewitched… my inner goddess is staring open-mouthed. Even she doesn’t believe this.

I'm Not A Priapic Monster = please be someone's new ilx username kthxbye

oh barf, inner goddess OH JEEZ

“Touching is a hard limit for me Isabella,” he whispers.

“I know. I wish I understood why…”

After an age, he sighs, and in a soft voice he says, “I had a horrific childhood. I think one of the crack-whore’s pimps…” his voice trails off. “I can remember that.”

I feel the shudder that goes through him.

“Was she abusive? Your mother?”

“Not that I remember. She was neglectful. I think it was me who looked after her. When she finally killed herself, it took four days for someone to raise the alarm, and find us. I remember that.”

I cannot contain my gasp of horror. Holy mother fuck. I feel nauseous.

“Well, that’s pretty… fucked-up,” I whisper.

“Fifty shades.”

I turn my head and press my lips against his neck, seeking and offering solace. He smells heavenly, my favorite fragrance in the entire world… Edward. He tightens his arms around me and kisses my hair, and I sit wrapped in his embrace as Taylor speeds into the night.

I think one of the crack-whore’s pimps…” his voice trails off. “I can remember that.”

wait, what

I feel like someone is beating me in the face with an English phrasebook

smoldering green embers

his face was an ashen shade of bright orange

her ass was as red as a frozen hot pocket