slaves, tell me about 50 Shades of Grey

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he put a boner.

"Rasps" makes me hear a Moe from the Simpsons type voice.

"That's right baby!"

"You'll feel this one right in ya hoo-hah, baby" (in Moe voice)

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/the-15-bestworst-lines-from-erotic-bestseller-fif

holy lol

salsa/meringue line ftw

it was a dark and stormy genitals.

this is just killing me

lol @ stock photos!!!

"but holy hell is this erotic"

goly gee am I ever turned on right now

"inner goddess"

kudos to remy for this thread title btw, i've been giggling at it all day

I never before imagined women having inner goddesses that danced on clouds during S&M role play. I have learned something about women today.

we are apparently very mundane, erotic beings

"i stiffen"

"I'd like to bite that lip," he whispers darkly...

oh does he now

i.p. stiffenbacher

Cheese and crackers, this is erotic!

#9 sounds like some kind of stomach flu

My inner goddess has explosive diarrhea.

Could you put some music on, please?”
“Certainly, ma’am. What would you like to hear?”
“Something soothing.”
I see a smile play on Taylor’s lips as our eyes meet briefly again in the mirror.
“Yes, ma’am.”
He pushes a few buttons on the steering wheel, and the gentle strains of Pachelbel’s canon fills the space between us.

you guys have clearly not read the romance writer's phrasebook as extensively as i have

I want to madlib all these so bad

and I've been thinking of you LL this whole time, you are QUEEN of this <3

just sayin

the romance writer's phrasebook

that was a great thread btw

i've made a bunch more
in fact, i haven't even made it past chapter 6/12 on tumblr

“When did you start your period, Isabella?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err... yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.”

He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom so I’m bending down. He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And gently but firmly tugs my tampon out… Holy Fuck… and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Sweet mother of all… Jeez… And then he’s inside me… ah!

Blue string...sounds pretty fancy.

abysmal

sorry, "ugh"

...what!

jeez

cheese and rice!
gosh!

argh

dear publishing industry, please don't crap out before i finish my sexy french resistance fighters vs. vampire zombie hitler youth erotic thriller trilogy. thanks.

Forever Young Adult reviews 50 Shades of Grey

this book is actually worse than VC Andrews' novels

First of all, James falls victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous of which is "never enter into a land war in Asia," but only slightly less-well-known is this: Never write erotica if your main character can't say the word 'vagina!'"

"Heavens!:)", I gush. xxxp

"Damn!," I burst.

"I am seeing red," he utters sternly.

Anastasia Steele

Bahahahahahaha THIS is her name?! How much 90s USA Channel and late night Cinemax/Showtime did you have to watch in your adolescence to come up with that?

Anastasia Steele is the illegitimate child spawned by the two leads of 'Silk Stalking' in some horrid fuck-ritual.

Also, I've been passing these things on prominent displayed at every airport bookstore I've passed today. I wondered what all the fuss was about with three King-sized tomes featuring b&w stock photo with the contrast level turn way down.

this sounds like that Python dirty phrasebook sketch

"My nipples explode with delight"

oh jeez.

holy crap.

oh darn.

I can't believe she calls her vagina "down there" in the book.

My shock is partly due to familiarity only with Fanny Hill in the erotic novel genre, which never really said 'penis' or 'vagina' but instead generated 53,842 colorful euphemisms, none of which were as embarrassed and stupid as "down there."

"Let me fix you something to eat," he says.

"Can't I just go to bed?" I mutter wearily as I place my hand in his. He pulls me up. I am stiff. He gazes down at me, his expression soft.

"No, you need to eat. Come."

Bossy Edward is back. Oh, it's such a relief. He leads me to the kitchen area and ushers me towards a bar stool as he heads to the fridge. I glance at my watch. Jeez, nearly eleven thirty and I have to get up for work in the morning.

"Edward, I'm really not hungry."

He studiously ignores me as he ferrets through the enormous fridge.

"Cheese?" he asks.

"Not at this hour."

"Pretzels?"

"In the fridge? No," I snap.

He turns and grins at me.

"You don't like pretzels?"

"Not at eleven thirty. Edward, I'm going to bed. You can rummage around in your refrigerator for the rest of the night if you want. I'm tired, and I've had a far too interesting a day. A day I'd like I'd to forget."

I slide off the stool and he scowls at me, but right now I don't care. I want to go to bed – I'm exhausted.

"Macaroni and cheese?" He holds up a white bowl lidded with foil. He looks so hopeful and endearing.

"You like macaroni and cheese?" I ask.

He nods enthusiastically, and my heart just melts. He looks so young all of a sudden. Who would have thought? Edward Cullen likes nursery food.

"You want some?" he asks, like he's asking about something else – something much yummier than macaroni and cheese. I can't resist him, and actually I am hungry.

I grin and his answering grin is breathtaking. He takes the foil off the bowl and pops it into the microwave. I perch back on the school and watch the beauty that is Mr. Edward Cullen – the man who wants to marry me – move gracefully and with ease around his kitchen.

"So you know how to use the microwave then?" I tease softly.

"Nachos?"
"Nutter Butters?"
"Lunchables?"

yerac, stop reading whatever it is you're reading. it's bad for you.

"Two words: Toaster Strudels."